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goodluckroza · 2 years

Text

and it's killing me to love you

A/N: see end for notes.

ep 1x8 coda

You'll think about it later, knees pressed to the hard floor, hands clasped loosely as you rest them on the velvet in front of you . You’ll think about the press of Tatiana’s mouth to yours, her long nails clawing at your cheek; how you're still not sure if it was pleasure or poison. Forgiveness or punishment. Either way, it makes you feel sick.

You’ll know you should be focusing on holy things. Tatiana is not holy, you don't believe - but far be it from you to determine what the Elements bless and what they do not.

With your knees still pressed to the hard floor, thighs wedged against the wooden bottom of the prie-dieu, you'll try to drag your thoughts back to the saints, to the gods, but then her face will appear behind the press of your eyelids. Rose. Roza. You'll feel nauseated all over again. For that wanton kiss with Tatiana. For what came before. You don’t even know - yet - that Tatiana was the one who called for ‘live fire', or about Sonya Karp, or all the other terrible things Tatiana Vogul has done in her pursuit of the throne. She was just a woman who knew you could never love her, who perhaps shared and understood some of your pain. And maybe, for just a heartbeat, she could have helped you forget about her.

But it’s never that easy.

When Tatiana approached you in the church, speaking of kindred spirits, of faith, of Alexi, you’d felt vulnerable. Here was one of the most powerful Moroi in the dominion telling you she admired your faith. You didn’t have the heart to tell her that it wasn’t faith that left you anchored at the alter for three days after Alexi’s death; it was fear and loss. They were paralyzing. It felt like a moment of weakness - not strength. The saints had not helped you this time.

But bringing up Alexi reminded you of duty, of they come first, so when she asked, you’d agreed to be her proxy. This wasn’t personal, or about politics - it was an obligation.

Then she happened. Rose. Like she always does, bending the world around her to do her bidding. Rose is always a problem without an answer. When she steps into a room she sucks all the space out of it; when she’s near you she pulls all the air from your lungs. It’s just how she is, a vortex of passion and power. She’d fought in the ring like she always does - a dancer flirting with danger. Weightless and elegant and deadly. So beautiful, it hurts you. And oh, how she hurt you.

You’re not a self-hating man - you made peace with your demons long ago. But tonight, as you watched Rose fly across the ring, you felt them clawing at your chest, the taste of your blood thick and cloying in your mouth. In that moment, you felt the terrible, paralyzing fear you’d felt after you'd beaten your father. In the church after Alexi’s death. In the moments after you hesitated to help Princess Vasilisa. That crack in your chassis, in your perfectly calibrated control. Rose had penetrated that, because of course she did - she threatens it every time she’s with you - and you’d snapped.

At that moment, you hated yourself.

Her kick to your face felt like some kind of penance. You thought you deserved everything that came to you after that - like some kind of martyr. In retrospect, you could include the kiss in that. Even if you don't know everything yet, you still knew Rose was right when she said that Tatiana Vogul stands for everything that’s terrible in your world. She is the poison chalice you chose to drink from anyway. Alexi would turn in his grave if he knew. Yet here you still are, resigned to your duty, to your faith, to the crumbs that you’re offered from the tables of people like Tatiana Vogul.

But, you'll wonder as you press your thumbs against the bridge of your nose, do you still even have those? The moment Rose Hathaway ran through the Academy’s gardens and into your life, as you wrestled her to the ground next to Princess Vasilisa’s car, you were lost. Or perhaps it was before then - perhaps it started with Alexi’s death. From that small amount of kindling, Rose became the fuel, and Caroni was the spark.

Or maybe it’s just been you all along. You're your own undoing. You untied the knot tethering yourself to the dock that is your faith, and now you’re unmoored, floating in an endless nothing. If you can’t be loyal to your duty as a Dhampir, to the saints and their gods, what do you have left? Who are you anymore?

All you know is that Rose terrifies you as much as the thought of freedom does, but despite that, you love her. Oh, how you love her.

You know you’ll probably go back to Tatiana anyway, even if it makes you feel sick, seeking some kind of repententence in regret and the kiss of a woman who you’ll never have and who’ll never have you. Because being with her makes you feel like you can still somehow anchor yourself to your duty. Because going back to her is probably what you deserve. Because going back to her will be easy, even if it isn’t right.

You'll shift your weight and feel the metal of your stake dig into your hip. They come first. Yet here you'll be, wallowing in self pity.

Knees pressed to the hard floor, hands clasped loosely as you rest them on the velvet in front of you, thighs wedged against the wooden bottom of the prie-dieu and your stake digging into your hip, you'll think of holy things. You'll think of holy things, and try not to think about how, if you were true to your convictions - true to staying away from her - you would’ve asked for a transfer to a different provice a long time ago.

You'll think of holy things as you say prayer in Russian and try desperately not to contemplate how you know you find more peace with Rose Hathaway than you’ll ever find in a church.

She is inevitable.

You'll think of holy things.

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A/N: title taken from the Vancouver Sleep Clinic song of the same name. this was basically me trying to stitch together my understandings of show!dimitri and book!dimitri and explain to myself (justify? i guess?) what happened in ep 8. i agree with Sisi and Kieron that Rose shouldn't have kept hitting Dimitri when he was down, and that Dimitri should've ended everything on his feet, and the whole Tatiana thing ................... yeah anyway idk. i haven't written for VA before and i'm rusty at best so sorry if it's awful. thanks for reading.

#vampire academy #romitri #va tv show #va tv spoilers #rose hathaway #dimitri belikov #rose x dimitri #tatiana vogel #and sadly #dimitri x tatiana #even if it's kinda gross #(don't get me wrong i love tatiana as a character but .......... )#fic #second person pov #because i can never ecape it #i also haven't written het in the longest time #oh yeah my headcanon is that dimitri is too tall to kneel on the prie-dieu #hence why he's kneeling on the floor #ep 1x8 coda

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