growinguparo

[growinguparo]

Please communicate with your friends oh my god. When I was 12, my best friend who I grew up with got a massive crush and would only ever talk about that. I hated it. I felt left behind. At the time I didn't know I was aromantic but that was pretty much my first taste of feeling less important to someone because they have a romantic interest now. And guess what? I told her how I felt about that and she apologized to me and although she still talked about her crush, I wasn't being put aside anymore and we had other things to talk about too

So please. It is inevitable that your friends will find somebody which will most likely mean the friendship won't be a priority for them but when that happens please just tell them how you feel about that, I promise that they will listen to you. Your friends still love you and most of the time they just don't realize that they're putting you aside when they're preoccupied with their love life. If you don't tell them they won't know what the problem is

[growinguparo]

fun fact:

HOT PEOPLE CAN BE AROMANTIC/ASEXUAL/AROACE TOO

[growinguparo]

Anyone know any stories with aroace protags that are centred around a relationship? In the same way that romance genre stories are driven by the evolving relationship between two characters, but the characters are aroace and the relationship is platonic or queerplatonic. Would be interested to read something like that

#wow thanks for all these recs!!

[growinguparo]

The feelings/experiences we base our identities off of might not be, but how we make sense and express these feelings to ourselves and others is something we choose.

I love the way you worded this

i don't know if i'm aro or ace or both or aspec, but i've been thinking about it lately. can aromanticism and/or asexuality be something that is chosen? so much of what damages my self worth is the idea that i'm unlovable and untouchable. i've mostly only had experiences of abuse when it comes to romance and physical intimacy, and when that wasn't the case i felt deeply uncomfortable with "performing romance" and "performing love". i often tell myself it's just because i haven't found the right person, but then i think about how that person can't possibly exist because of the every thing about me. i just want an escape from it all. this is killing me. whether or not i'm aro or ace or both, amatonormativity is killing me.

This may be a Hot Take, but in my opinion, it can absolutely be a choice.

The thing about all identity is that it is chosen to some degree. The feelings/experiences we base our identities off of might not be, but how we make sense and express these feelings to ourselves and others is something we choose. We, even queer people, tend to conflate the labels we use with the experiences we use them to express.

I'm sure there are some people who will see "you can choose to ID as aro/ace because of trauma" and insist that's the same as encouraging people not to heal at all. Which is not true. What is healing for you and how you go about that is your business, first of all, and you may never decide to engage in these relationships and still have a meaningful life.

Secondly, it is absolutely fine if one day you decide not to ID as aro/ace any more. Identifying as aspec (or any kind of queer identity) should be about what best helps you make sense of your experiences, express them, and/or find community/resources right now. As you said, amatonormativity affects people regardless of if they are aspec. Accepting that you deserve to be cared for and have value regardless of your ability to perform sex/love is good for anyone. If these terms work for you right now, there's no good reason for me to tell you not to use them. Like I said, one day you may feel differently, and as a result you may use different words to express that. There is nothing wrong with that and you should never feel any pressure to stick with a label just because its what you've been using.

Thirdly, it is of course possible for someone to both be traumatized and aspec. I have issues with vulnerability and just don't feel any romantic attraction or desire for marriage. These things can co-exist, and the distinction may not matter to you as much as it might for someone else.

#to everyone who asks ‘am I Actually aro? how do I know if I’m Actually aro?’ #this is what I mean when I say it’s a choice #it’s your interpretation #all you have is your subjective experience and your interpretation of it #there is no Actually

[growinguparo]

You say you accept aromanticism but do you only accept it as long as it fits your expectations? Do you only accept it as long as I keep my options open, as long as I don’t 100% settle on this label, as long as I allow you a small amount of hope that one day I’ll tell you I’ve changed, I’ve seen the light, I’ve found the One?

You say you accept aromanticism, but is your acceptance conditional on my redemption through platonic love? Do I have to prove to you that I am likable, that I am lovable, that I am human? Do I have to be touch starved, do I have to be lonely, do I have to feel like I am missing out?

You say you accept aromanticism, but do you believe me when I speak about dehumanization, about my anger at being pitied? Do you put yourself in my shoes and imagine the effort it takes to shape a future that looks like most people's worst fear? Do you understand that my life is not sad for not following your rigid guideline to happiness?

You say you accept aromanticism, but do you accept the changes I demand of society? Do you accept that relationship hierarchies are not inherent but learned? Do you accept that community is more meaningful in fighting the loneliness epidemic than finding the One? Do you notice that society is predisposed to benefit couples over singles? Do you realize that this is wrong?

If you say you accept aromanticism but only do so as long as I am quiet about it, as long as I make no demands, offer no criticism, draw no attention to myself, then I do not care for your acceptance because your acceptance isn't real.

[growinguparo]

I hope your 2024 is full of aromanticism <2

[growinguparo]

can you elaborate on what you mean by romance being a social construct? just trying to understand here, because by that logic to be aromantic is to be against the social construct of romance or what most people view as romance

What does "romance" or "romantic" mean? Most people when answering that question will list specific signifiers or feelings that we commonly associate with romance or romantic feelings, but these things don't have to be romantic. They're 'coded' as romantic because we associate them with romance as a byproduct of our culture. Simple example: Kissing on the lips. Pretty safe to say this action is frequently cited as a romantic gesture. But is it objectively a romantic gesture? No. There are plenty of cultures, currently and throughout history, where kissing on the lips is not romantic. Hell, kissing in some cultures isn't a thing at all/considered unsanitary! Therefore, kissing on the lips is not objectively romantic or some universal phenomenon. It's socially constructed.

The same thing can apply to romantic feelings. First: Feelings of sexuality that often (but not always!) go toe to toe with romance are not inherently romantic. You can be attracted to someone, or be intimate with someone, and not feel romantic feelings. So we need to separate sexuality from romance. What does that leave us with? Great care for someone? A feeling of closeness? A desire to never be parted with someone? Are these feelings romantic? Yes, but they aren't always. Stripped of any other pretenses, you could easily apply those feelings to your friends or family members. What makes them romantic is socially contextual, and subjectively determined. Therefore: Romance is a social construct.

People who identify as aromantic will have different reasons for subscribing to the label. Some may be aromantic because the feelings typically associated with romance just don't happen with them, and sometimes (but not always!!!) asexuality plays a part here as well. But for other aro folk, it's not always that consistent. Maybe they do feel those feelings, but only under some circumstances. Or maybe they feel some of those feelings, but not all of them, or inconsistently, or don't really think of those feelings as romantic at all or in the moment. Romance, like sexuality, is more fluid than we tend to realize, but romance as a specific, socially determined construct can be suffocating for those who don't quite fit in the box. Especially once you start throwing in the other social expectations that romance is typically associated with: Living together, marriage, having kids, permanence, etc. In those instances, some folks may gravitate toward the aromantic label simply because they oppose the rigidness of the construct.

Ultimately, our purpose with our arospec characters (Keagan, Robin, and Daonna) is to explore these variations.

[growinguparo]

what i think many non-aspec queer people don’t understand is that your understanding of aromanticism/asexuality and aspec experiences is as lacking as a straight person’s understanding of gayness, or a cis person’s understanding of transness. we are actually not some exception where everyone else knows better than us, and it's so paternalistic to treat us that way. your opinions on things that affect us are not fully informed, especially if you’ve done very little to learn from us. just listen to us.

[growinguparo]

[growinguparo]

You know the fact that so many people see the insistence that you don’t like someone romantically as confirmation that you do like them romantically is horrifying when you really think about it

#yeah ngl this Affected me when I was a kid #super isolating #boiled down it’s just accusing people of lying when they’re not lying #and it’s like wtf are you supposed to do? lay down and accept that your friends don’t care about your truth?

[growinguparo]

GUESS WHO CAN PHYSICALLY RELEASE THEIR BOOK NOW????

Thermal Equilibrium is my book about Q and Z, two teenagers who meet eachother through a studying agreement. What starts off as a simple attempt to raise Q’s GPA quickly turns into something much more though, as the gods of Q and Z’s universe decide to make their lives hell. While Q is given powers that are beyond their understanding, Z meets with other entities and struggles with their sense of self. Throughout the process of enduring reality-shattering events, fighting for their lives, and of course, attempting to be normal adolescents, Q and Z grow closer and closer until a conflict between them starts wrecking the universal rules of the universe- and threatens to ruin their friendship in its entirety. After all, the term “soulmate” is not just a descriptor for a relationship.

It is also a warning label.

you can buy the book here!: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CFX6BMN6?nodl=1&ref_=pe_3052080_397514860&dplnkId=3506d549-2778-4799-8fd5-126279b66f3a

#this sounds lit

[growinguparo]

My mom is approaching 70 and is in what I can only describe as a Queer Platonic Relationship. My whole life my mom has been ambivalent about romance, and I suspect that if she were young today she’d describe herself as aro. She and my dad were happily married before he passed away, but even so, I don’t really have memories of them being over romantic. Their friends and and family didn’t believe them at first when they announced their marriage (when she was 36!) bc they “didn’t act like a couple”. They worked well as partners and both wanted kids, but there was always something different about their relationship compared to the relationships of my friends’ parents. Since my dad’s death she has shown zero interest in getting remarried and has been happily single for more than a decade.

My mom has an incredibly full life. She’s got lots of friends of all ages, fulfilling hobbies, and a shitty little dog that she loves to pieces. I never worry about her being bored and lonely.

She has this neighbor in her apartment building. They help each other out the way couples do with tasks like grocery shopping, attending family events together, and they co parent the shitty little dog, but she swears up and down that there’s nothing romantic between them. They help each other with medication, hospital visits, and navigating the scary changes of getting old together. She and my grandpa used to argue about her getting remarried to this neighbor bc he didn’t want her to be “lonely”. My mom insisted that she’s not lonely and the relationship was not romantic. There’s love and companionship, but it’s “not like that”.

Back when I started to show interest in dating as a teen my mom was so confused. “You actually want to go on dates? My mom used to force me to date and I hated it.” When I came out as gay as an adult she was like “That’s cool. I still don’t get why you wanna date people.”

My dad once told me a story about how early in their marriage, my mom once accidentally “dated” a different man without realizing that he was taking her out on dates. From her perspective she just was having fun outings with a friend. When the guy “came clean” and told my dad “I’m dating your wife” he just laughed because my mom had been excitedly telling him all about their “dates”. She missed every single clue that this guy had been laying down for her that he was interested. “He invited me to have breakfast on his boat! I’m so excited for the birdwatching that time of day!” (My mom also might be a little autistic but that’s neither here nor there). She just is not a romantically inclined thinker.

I love my mom very much and I’m so lucky to have her as a role model. She’s taught me that happiness is extremely versatile. You don’t have to follow a traditional set route for a complete life with meaningful relationships. Romance is a social construct as much as anything, and you are free to engage with it on your own terms. Don’t be afraid to live and love the way you want to. Your life will be fuller and happier for it.

I’m so happy you’ve had a positive experience, and your mum sounds lovely!

#stories #obsessed with this

[growinguparo]

The Heartless (Masterpost)

Summary: In a kingdom where those born without hearts are said to carry a dangerous curse, 17-year-old Ace has lived most of his life believing himself to be a monster. Now, seeking closure about the defining moment of his childhood, Ace embarks on a coming-of-age journey to learn the truth about himself, the world, and what it really means to be human.

“Over the seven years I’d spent under Bertrand’s leaky roof, I had slowly become disillusioned with the idea of ever finding a potion strong enough to light a fire in my ribcage. Bertrand had tested a lot of his spells on me throughout my life, but the love potion had always proven to be the least effective. But I suppose that is to be expected when you do not have a heart.”

(Alternatively, read on Inkitt)

Began 18 July 2020 | Concluded 5 December 2020

Chapter I: in which the story begins

Chapter II: in which plans are made

Chapter III: in which the biggest victories are often anticlimactic

Chapter IV: in which ignorance is bliss

Chapter V: in which the proverbial dam breaks

Chapter VI: in which a goodbye is too final

Chapter VII: in which home is a fickle thing

Chapter VIII: in which sometimes we surprise ourselves

Chapter IX: in which people can change

Chapter X: in which the other shoe drops

Chapter XI: INTERLUDE

Chapter XII: in which second chances come to those who least expect it

Chapter XIII: in which time does not heal all wounds

Chapter XIV: in which the truth comes out

Chapter XV: in which late night escapades are often in poor taste

Chapter XVI: in which the winter melts into spring

Chapter XVII: INTERLUDE TWO

Chapter XVIII: in which some reunions are bittersweet

Chapter XIX: in which hope is the thing with feathers

Chapter XX: in which we are born whole

Epilogue

#guys read it it’s good

[growinguparo]

Thinking once again about the intersection of being aro / perpetually single and the Housing Issue. It is without a doubt the biggest issue I face as an aro person, particularly in fucking Canada.

In my province we have rent control on almost all rental units by default. Annual rent increases are capped at 2.5%, and though I have had landlords in the past try to break that law, they back down when you say "that's literally not legal lmao try again".

In my province we also have a type of lease called a group lease, where multiple people sign on as a group. This is the standard type of lease used in properties with more than one bedroom.

If one person wishes to remove themself from a group lease, that terminates the lease for all of the other tenants in the group. Therefore, in order to continue living in the unit they are already in and may have been in for years, the landlord can choose to force the remaining tenants to reapply, and upon signing a "new lease" they can increase the rent by however much they want. Forget 2.5%, they could double rent with no consequences and still get tenants because that's how desperate people are in Canada.

Seeing as that's fucking insane, I talked to multiple lawyers about it the last time this happened to me, and they all said yeah no, if someone wants to be removed from the lease then the landlord can choose to deny a takeover and force a new lease. You can prevent the issues that come with a new lease if everyone remains on the old lease even if they no longer live there, but that is rather precarious for everyone involved and also makes your landlord hate your guts.

Anytime a new lease is signed, landlords can increase by whatever they want, so renovictions are very common (I've been renovicted as well). With all these easy-to-access loopholes, "rent control" is a joke.

It is New Year's Day and I have received yet another email informing me that since one of my roommates decided to leave at the end of the lease period, our lease will be terminating and showings will begin next week. If any one of us wants to stay, we have to reapply at market rates with a replacement person already in the group ready to sign a new lease, or we have to all remain on the old lease.

I left my parents' home in 2016, and since then I have moved 15-17 times, depending what you count as a move, and lived in 12-13 different places. That's due to a bunch of forced circumstances, including co-op placements and illegal evictions, but many of those moves were because the roommates I was living with decided to move on with their lives, and I had no choice but to move as well.

When I tell people I've moved 15 times in 7 years, they are always shocked. I'm like, how have you NOT though? Having had this conversation many times, I start to ponder what makes me vulnerable to this type of exploitation, and what makes my friends able to avoid some of it.

#1. As a low-income disabled person, I am unable to afford "market rates". This means I'm always tryna get units that are below market rate, and those landlords are invariably very interested in removing their tenants to bring their busted-ass units up to market rate.

#2. I am SINGLE bro. No one is planning their life around living with me. Every time a roommate leaves, I get forced out too. I did have a long-term roommate for a couple years who bounced around 4 places with me, but eventually she moved city - as is her right - and I was forced out again.

Couples also have more options when it comes to affordable housing, particularly if they are willing to share a room. Sharing a room cuts your rent in half. It’s pretty rare to see just one person living in a 1bed because it’s just ludicrously expensive, but for couples it’s a decent option. During the searching stage as well, if you already have someone to live with it’s a lot easier to find places than if you also have to find new roommates (this part is especially brutal for me as a trans person). It is certainly still difficult for couples in the market, I know couples who have ended up homeless as well, but being alone makes you more vulnerable.

The housing crisis is a broad issue affecting literally everyone, but single people are one of the groups that is systematically disadvantaged, making it a significant issue for aros imo. It is the combination of being single and low-income that has made me so vulnerable to housing instability.

Edited with minor corrections

#yo sorry i remade this post cuz there was a bit of an error on it regarding the legality of evictions #hardly matters but i don't like spreading any misinformation #it's hard to evict but easy for the landlord to make your life hell for choosing to stay #and if the people who leave truly want to no longer be responsible for the unit then there is no choice the lease must be broken #which breaks it for all parties #insane #bonkers insane laws

[growinguparo]

edit: hang on i'm remaking this post to add a correction

[growinguparo]

Whatever it means for you, let your aro dreams come true in 2024. Live free and bite amatonormativity! 🏹

[growinguparo]

“There’s no platonic explanation for tha-“