hopesandparachutes

[hopesandparachutes]

"Kung kelan pandemic saka pa mag-iiwanan"

Lagi ko naiisip yang sinabi mo sakin noon nung sinabi kong hintayin natin matapos yung lockdown. I wanted to date normally and get to know each other properly. Di ko naman din alam na aabutin ng taon yung pandemic.

But I was flimsy and easily manipulated. Your words struck me and I became driven with guilt. I already liked you and I didn't want to hurt you. So I forced myself to see things through even if life was uncertain—even if I'm still not fully convinced that we should be together. Masyado rin ako naexcite at naatat.

That's one of the reasons why I was filled with resentment. Di tayo nakapagdate nang maayos at nakapagligawan. I trusted you naman na as a friend pero hindi pa as a lover. I just didn't know how crucial that was. We didn't get to set our expectations, boundaries, and our goals before entering the relationship. We didn't get to know each other deep enough. The foundation was weak and it made me feel insecure. That's why I felt like running away whenever I felt the love wavering. Sama mo pa yung baggages ko on top of that.

Despite that, you awakened the love that I buried deep. The love that I was so scared of expressing since it never felt safe to do so. And I fell hard. I meant every I love yous when I said them. I really felt happy and excited to be yours. Gusto kong ipagsigawan sa lahat yung love natin na yun. Kaya nga halos lahat din ng gawin natin pinopost ko. Kaya gusto kita kausap lagi at makita lagi. I really thought we'd see the world and experience things together. I wanted that so badly.

I'm still sad that we must go our separate ways, but I think I'm finally ready to accept that and let things go. I wish you all the best, Mark. I hope one day you can find a safer and more secure kind of love. Sana maabot mo mga goals mo and good luck sa iyong pursuit of happiness. Thank you for the time we spent together.

[hopesandparachutes]

Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot.

Right now you may not want to feel anything Maybe you never wanted to feel anything But feel something you obviously did

We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything — what a waste!

Just remember Our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once And before you know it, your heart is worn out

Right now, there’s sorrow, pain. Don’t kill it and with it the joy you’ve felt.

#Youtube

[hopesandparachutes]

Friendly Fire

Sabi ng psych ko, mukang yung peak pala ng worst trauma ko nung pandemic. nung tayo. Mukang tama nga kasi dun lang naman unti unti nareveal sakin na I was molested. Patapos na ko kay Ms. Lou saka ko nga lang fully natanggap eh. Pati yung mga sinasabi mong issues sa bahay na di ko pa matanggap, nun ko lang naman nakita. Ginaslight ko daw sarili ko to survive. Kaya din siguro ako nag fall apart nun at sunod sunod episodes. Unti unti na kasi natatanggal yung pagkagaslight ko—yung nakasanayan kong crutch at armor. Kumbaga, sobrang vulnerable ko na, duguan and all, tapos tanggalan mo pako ng last line of defense. Kaya ko desperate and in dire need of saving. I'm sorry you had to witness and absorb all of that. Siguro nga ginusto ko talagang mailigtas mo ako, di ko na kasi kaya. Ikaw din naman reason kaya ko nagpaka vulnerable in the first place kaya I expected you to save me. But I hope you know that I tried my best na di ka idamay, and to make you happy. Sorry din sa mommy ko. Di nya alam maghandle eh. Kahit naman now, but she's trying. I just lowered my expectations na lang din sa kanila.

I just want to say din na di mo fault na di mo kinaya yung state ko when we were together. I don't think anyone can. Si Apols at Neima nga di kinaya eh. I was too much. Even tho my trauma isn't my fault, it sucks because I still became a self fulfilling prophecy.

Actually I'm so lost kasi yung reality ko naman far different from you and what you want for me eh. Wala naman akong makausap. All I can do is shout into the void again like before. Yes, I have friends, but I can't be as open. Wala naman kasi akong friends na katulad ng sayo. It's too damn heavy man, and ikaw lang talaga nakakausap ko ng ganito. Di kaya ng friends ko yung ganito. Hindi talaga. I also have to be with my family pa. I still can't work my way to independence dahil sa sakit ko. Hindi naman pwedeng itapon ko sila tapos kapitan kita diba. Or magpakahermit nalang ako. I need to adjust sa level na kaya nila. Kaya sometimes I think I'd have to revert a bit to survive. Ideal scenario kasi yung sayo at mga nahanap mong kaibigan. Di naman ganyan sitwasyon ko eh. Sayo lang ako nakatikim ng gantong level of emotional support. Ever. Eh ako kailangan ko pa bilhin yang ganyang support in the form of a therapist.

Sorry sa mga sinabi ko last time about getting back together. It was selfish of me to think about that. I'm sorry. Sobrang different at incompatible nga natin. Mas naiintindihan ko na ngayon. Saka I can't provide you the level of support and connection na hinahanap mo sa partner. We live in totally different realities eh. Ibang iba talaga kaya din siguro puro tayo away at di nagkakaintindihan.

This part might be hard to hear but I hope you hear me out.

Ang bigat lang sa feeling. Nung namulat kasi ako sa realidad ko, pakiramdam ko tapon yung buong buhay ko. Mali at ilusyon lang lahat. Lalo mo pa akong pilit na minumulat tuwing nagagalit ka sakin o nattrigger sa sitwasyon ko kaya sobrang nahirapan ako. Everytime I would make a mistake you would snap. Tbh di mo rin naman tanggap kung ano ako mismo eh. Di mo tanggap na di ko kaya mag open, na nawawalan ako ng confidence sa sarili ko, na may times na nagdidissociate ako at nadidistract. Di ako vulnerable enough for you. Pati family ko di mo naman tanggap. Even if it's partly trauma, it's who I am at that point in time. That's perfectly fine though. Pero pakiramdam ko lang nun, sobrang mali ng tingin mo sa pagkatao ko, at sa mga bagay na ginagawa at natutunan ko to survive. I needed to be who I was to survive. Pero mali para sayo lahat ng coping ko. Mali na tumanda akong ganito. Mali na wala akong kakayanan. I believed you so much and it made me feel so broken and hopeless. I tried to improve as fast as I could, pero I was still too slow. Believe me, I wanted to give up everything I learned just so I can be with you. Pero ang hirap kasi di naman kita makapitan. I didn't feel safe and secure with you at times. Tama nga talaga yung sinasabi nila na don't love a person with the goal of changing them. Pareho naman nating pagkakamali yan.

But with all the realizations, I'm starting to forgive myself for not being able to keep up with that you want. Wala eh, di ko talaga kaya. Tapon na ba ako at walang kwenta porket hindi?

Gagawin ko nalang yung kailangan to survive, and I hope you don't judge me for it, or get angry about it. Your method worked for you—opening up to friends and finding found family—because it's what saved you. I just don't have that luxury. Wala akong people to tap ever since at di ako natuto. Kaya being like this saved me. And I hope you'll understand someday. Maybe you were what my 17 year old self needed. But I'm 26 now, and I should grieve all what could've been if I was in a safer and more accepting environment back then. What I could've been doesn't exist. Grieve and accept na lang. Manage expectations. That's all I can do. It's also harder to find new deep friendships when you're older. Lalo na for me.

I have to accept myself and my reality. I have to understand my strengths and weaknesses. I have to do this before I can give myself grace and compassion. Ako lang naman makakaintindi ng lahat ng nararamdaman at pinagdaanan ko. I don't need to justify it to anyone else, and seek validation from others everytime. Being in a relationship made it harder, kaya I should spend more time talaga with myself.

#Spotify

[hopesandparachutes]

For Mark (06-07-23)

I felt so scared watching you perform during your recital. I was starting to fall hard for you. While you were playing, I was imagining that you were my boyfriend. I went to the restroom during the intermission because I had a hard time breathing. Being alone didn't help because I also felt socially anxious.

If only I were okay.

I wouldn't have run away if I were confident enough. I would've waited for you after your recital and then you would've introduced me to your friends

I wouldn't have been so anxious and excited for you to confess and I would've let you say how you felt for me at your own pace.

When the lockdown came right after we confessed our feelings, I was devastated. I wondered why we always seem to have bad timing. I sort of blame the pandemic. I guess it heightened our anxieties even more.

But even so, I shouldn't have felt insecure with the love we had. It's 10 fucking years in the making. If only I were okay.

I don't know if I will ever feel secure with anyone's feelings towards me. Emotional impermanence, trust issues, whatever it is. It's probably a survival skill I've learned, growing up in an unpredictable household. There were days when my dad loved me so much, when he'd just make me laugh, and days when he'd be so angry that I couldn't understand. From then on, I learned that people's feelings towards me are always subject to change. I want to say I believe you will love me forever, but I can't. Even if you say so. I'm really sorry about that. If only I were okay.

Thank you for trying to love and understand me. I was so busy trying to understand the people around me, so I never really took the time to understand myself. Thank you for pointing me to that direction.

I'm a mess and just really heartbroken right now. Feeling lost is a sign naman daw that you're recovering. You just showed me so many things that I never saw before, that it seems like my whole identity for the past 26 years is a lie. How did I grow up to be like this?

It's so hard to take in because I've lived my whole life as a recluse who has rejected all forms of affection. I'm literally a feral cat. But I guess it's easier for animals to relearn. I don't know how I will ever be okay.

But hmmm what happens when a feral cat that has learned to trust gets hurt again? Maybe that's how I feel right now. But it's okay, no one's perfect and it's not like you deliberately tried to hurt me. I'm just really so suspicious of love and affection.

Who am I underneath all these traumas and bad coping mechanisms? Nailibing na kaya ng buhay at di na humihinga? Or were you able to see me, underneath all my cuts and bruises?

I almost transferred schools during our third year.  I wonder how it must've been like if we never became seatmates. Maybe I wouldn't have known that I am capable of loving.

Thank you for staying by my side all these years.

[hopesandparachutes]

New Year's Eve 2022 (12-31-22)

As I ate dinner alone in my room, I realize that I am longing for affection and comfort from my family whenever I feel like this. Sadly, it's never going to happen. Pag nagkakaganito ako, papabayaan lang naman nila ako or hindi iaapproach kindly. Wala ako mapagsabihan dito or makausap tungkol sa mga nararamdaman ko nang walang magagalit, matatawa, o manghuhusga. Papabayaan nalang ako kasi di nila kaya magdeal with anything emotional. Papansinin nalang kapag "okay" na ako. It's hard to accept and it hurts kasi mukang hanggang ngayon nag eexpect pa rin ako kahit wala naman talaga akong mapapala.

Happy New Year, self

[hopesandparachutes]

December 8, 2022

Thought about yesterday's session. Grabe nga yung pinagdaanan ko nung college. I was raped, victim-blamed, betrayed by my friends and then slut shamed all in a year. Tapos hanggang ngayon worried pa rin ako sa mga tao from college? They did not care about me at all and were never sorry for their actions. Di ko alam bakit inendure ko nalang lahat. Siguro di ko na rin naisip magpalipat ng school dahil kahit sa bahay hiyang hiya nako sa magulang ko sa pagkakarape sa akin. Isinisi ko naman kasi sa sarili ko yun ng matagal na panahon. Nakakalungkot na tiniis ko lahat yun. Wala nga talaga kong pake sa sarili ko.

[hopesandparachutes]

November 21, 2022

Something happened to me 8 years ago

People around me went on with their lives, while I stopped living mine

I numbly lived out my days, drowning myself with academics, and then, with work

I kept running away from it, but it caught up with me during the pandemic

After several breakdowns, unhealthy coping strategies, and suicidal thoughts, I finally sought for help

PTSD.

For 8 years, I was in suspended animation, with a huge open wound that never healed

The scabs still hurt, and I still frequently face days where the pain gets too much to bear

It's a tough road to recovery and I am just starting

Thank you for being here

[hopesandparachutes]

July 19, 2022

I was 17, he was 22.

He presented himself as a caring brother who I can trust—someone I never had.

Like a harmless friend, he'd always check up on me and ask about my day.

I was a lonely child. All of this was new to me.

So I shrugged off the malice. He's family. He wouldn't do anything to harm me.

As we grew even closer, he started being touchy. I still didn't think anything of it.

He knew exactly how to pull my strings.

And I fell right into his trap. He got what he wanted.

I was blamed, shamed, and laughed at, until all the guilt ate me up.

I tried my best to forget but I still remember everything clear as day.

It's been 8 long years. It took me a long time to realize and understand what really happened.

I wanted to disappear for as long as I can remember. I felt so worthless and so little.

Still, I am here. Battling my demons but unmotivated to win. Still questioning if I deserve to heal. Life's tough.

Alexa play "A Pearl" by Mitski

[hopesandparachutes]

#Anghirap

[hopesandparachutes]

11-06-2021

Mommy alam ko na po pano mas maeexplain yung naeexperience ko. Yung goal kasi ng survival part ng brain eh protektahan tayo sa masasakit na emosyon. Dahil sa mga pinagdaanan ko, nagconclude yung utak ko na yung hindi pag exist yung solution para hindi nako masaktan kaya po nagccreep in yung negative thoughts. Bumabalik nanaman sila mommy. Pano kung di na po kayanin to ng gamot? Gusto ko nalang magpatangay sa dagat hanggang sa lamunin nya ako

#nagpapsych nako and I'm on meds #bakit ganito pa rin haha

[hopesandparachutes]

10-08-21

Bakit ako ganito? Takot ako sa tao kasi feeling ko lagi silang may masamang hangarin sa akin. Baka bigla ko sila maoffend o magalit tapos iiwanan nila ko. Kaya lagi ko na nga lang inuunahan eh. Masyado ako malupit sa sarili ko. Puro masasakit na salita lang ang alam kong bitawan. Galit lang ang emosyong alam ko iexpress. Di ako makapaniwala kapag may nagkakagusto sa akin. Di naman kasi ako kamahal mahal. Takot ako sa affection. Di ko kaya magexpress, mangyakap, magsabi ng I love you. Ginagawa ko lang minsan para di makaoffend. Takot na takot ako makaoffend eh. Di ko na nasubukan yung mga bagay na gusto ko lagi itry kasi takot akong may masabi sila. Ayokong makaabala dahil lagi naman akong abala. Dapat gawan ko lagi ng paraan, wala kong karapatan mahirapan. Wala kong karapatan ipakitang tao lang din ako na may kahinaan din. Takot ang motivation ko. Takot ako gumastos at mawalan ng trabaho. Di ako marunong mabuhay para sa sarili ko. Takot akong maging in control sa buhay ko. Dahil sa tatay ko kaya ako ganito.

[hopesandparachutes]

but hey props to him, I wouldn’t really know myself, build this much confidence, and be as aware as I am now, if it weren’t for him. I need to put up with his irritability for now haha hope he loosens up...?

#relationships are hard

[hopesandparachutes]

08-03-21

I’ve always loved the idea of leaving. Everywhere I go, I immediately think of an escape plan–especially in relationships. I ended friendships at the slightest bit of disappointment. Then I’d run off, hide in my shell. I’d always think to myself that I can thrive alone, or find a better set of friends. Because of this, I was drawn to company that’s way worse. Friendships that seem smooth and easy, but ended up being too clingy or insecure. It’s sad that I threw away a lot of healthy friendships in the process. Just recently, I’ve been learning how to speak up at home, recognize my feelings, and accept the shortcomings of my family. I’m just thankful that now that I get to speak up about my thoughts, they listen, apologize, and try to change. I think that’s what truly matters. It’s difficult at first. Arguments and truth bombs are tough to handle. It can get very emotional. But that’s part of the process. I’ve cried and screamed a lot but I’m waaaaay better now. By speaking up, I’ve learned to love myself more. And because they listen, in return, I learned to love them back even more. Leaving is easy but staying is tough work. And now, I’m trying to love the idea of staying. disclaimer: this does not include toxic unhealthy relationships that you really need to cut off. there should be a limit to how much you’re willing to forgive. if issues are becoming a never ending toxic cycle, run off into the sun.

[hopesandparachutes]

07-06-21

Ako’y nagbabalik. Hahaha eto nanaman ako, nagkikimkim at nagtatago. Sa totoo lang di ko na maintindihan sarili ko. Sobra kong frustrated lately at parang every week nalang ako nagbbreakdown. Urat na urat na ko sa buhay ko ngayon. Wala akong mapagkaabalahan, nakakulong ako dito sa bahay. Malapit nako mabaliw. Actually baliw na nga ata. Ayoko na hahaha. Gusto ko nalang umiyak. Nakakainis na wala akong magawa. Nabibingi nako sa mga tao dito sa bahay. Pagod na rin akong magpakatatag. Di naman ako makapaglabas ng sama ng loob kasi sasabihin lang nila kailangan ko magpacheck. Gusto ko lang naman ng makikinig eh. Bakit wala akong makausap about my feelings. Mapapagalitan lang naman ako for feeling this way kasi paulit ulit lang naman issues ko. Ang tagal na nilang nagaadvice hindi naman ako nakikinig. Sana pagdilat ko mamaya nasa dagat na ako. Ayoko na dito.

[hopesandparachutes]

03-13-21

The road to healing continues. Nag-away kami ni Mark nung isang araw. Sobrang uminit dugo ko nung feeling ko iniinvalidate nya na yung nararamdaman ko even if it’s because of somehting he did. Tapos kahapon, nagwawala na naman si EJ as usual. I’ve learned how to keep calm. Di ko sya inaway one bit and I distanced myself so I wouldn’t react. Up until nagrant ako tapos sinabihan ako ni mommy na wag magpaapekto.

I didn’t understand why I was so angry, until I just bursted. Tinanong ko is mommy “Bakit bawal ako magalit? Bakit bawal ako magsalita at maapektuhan? Kaya ako narape eh!”. Boom. It all made sense.

I never felt safe to open up about my feelings and my problems. I learned to endure because of it, even if it hurts me. Kahit sa work tinatanong ako pag nagpapasa nako ng resignation letter. “Bakit di ka nagsalita?” Bakit nga ba? Bakit hindi ako sumigaw at humingi ng tulong nung pinagsasamantalahan na ako? Ang dami kong chance na pwede ako magsalita.

Di ako naturuan umalma eh. Kaya kahit nahaharass ako sa daan tikom lang bibig ko. Ayoko ng atensyon. Ayoko mag-iskandalo. Baka walang maniwala sa akin eh. Baka OA lang ako. Pano dito kasi sa bahay lagi naman akong ok at di ako iniintindi pag may problema ako kasi mahirap na nga asikasuhin si EJ.

Pero grabe di ko alam bigla na lang ako sinasapian ng tapang ngayon. Salamat kela Apols, Meara, at Mark. Inempower nila ko. Never nila ko jinudge. Pake nga ba ng mga tao sa kipay ko diba HAHAHA. 

Andito ulit sya. After 7 years ngayon ko lang hinarap. Ngayon ko lang nakkwento at nasasabi yung nangyari without being emotional about it. Kahit sa mga taong involved. 

“Wag mo sana isipin na kinampihan ko siya. Pareho taong babae at pamangkin kita at di ko kahit kailan gugustuhing mangyari yun. Sana makatulong na mailabas mo lahat ng sama ng loob mo sa nangyari para maluwag din sa pakiramdam mo. Kahit sabihin ko sa’yo na sana makalimutan mo na ang nangyari alam ko na di madali yun”

HUHU if only 17-year old Ica heard those words. Ang tagal ko nagkimkim. Naaawa ako sa lost child na yun na gabi gabi umiiyak sa ilalim ng kumot in secret. Na naghanap ng tatanggap sa kanyang kaibigan kasi ang dumi ng tingin sa kanya sa bahay. Why was I silenced? I had to carry all that burden alone for 7 years.

Sabi ni mommy kalimutan ko at magfocus sa school/work eh. Pero sabi ko sa kanya, pag-resolve at pag-accept muna bago pagkalimot. I did try her method but if shit goes down sa work, I feel worthless. It was the only thing that kept me alive kaya pag natengga ako, I didn’t know what else to do.

Pero ok lang. Tanggap ko naman na. Di talaga affectionate si daddy at di nya gusto harapin mga problema sa bahay. Nakafocus nalang din sya sa work to give him a sense of purpose. Why bother him with problems at home when he’s tired and busy sa work diba? hahaha. Si mommy naman, focused talaga kay EJ. Ako naman kasi tong well-behaved at si EJ yung nagwawala lagi. Kaya pag kailangan ko na ng tulong, I should get a grip cause I have been “strong” for the longest time. Masyado nang mabigat asikasuhin si EJ eh, bakit pa nga ba ako dadagdag sa iisipin nila? Kaya if I lose it, it’s my fault, cause I’m usually not like that. Ang sabog ata ng thoughts ko pero ayan huhu. Natutuwa na lang din ako an unti unti nakong nagiging secure sa sarili ko, at nagiging truly independent. Let’s go Ica. Kaya na kitang protektahan ❤️

#laban #lezgo women's month

[hopesandparachutes]

02-10-21

Isa nanaman pong crisis para i-celebrate ang paparating kong kaarawan. Perfect! Hahaha character development ba regalo ko sa sarili ko ngayon? Mark and I were talking this weekend and I have JUST realized that I have this unhealthy INEXPLICABLE NEED FOR APPROVAL and EXCESSIVE GUILT. Caps lock para intense. Ito talaga yung naghihinder sakin from identifying what I want eh. b a k e t. It’s true though. Meron akong fear of getting caught kaya I overthink my actions a lot. I feel like everyone is out to get me at bawal ako magkamali. And deym I think dahil ilang beses nako nareprimand for being intimate with a guy, I’m starting to develop a fear of intimacy? Pero shet girl boyfriend mo naman si Mark??? It’s a committed relationship? Hindi ka naman na rin minor para maging reckless like before. Hindi ka rin naman nya tinetake advantage? How do I fricking draw the line huhu. Ang hirap magbigay ng consent kung ang dami mong inhibitions sa talagang gusto mo. Ang alam ko lang sa ngayon, hindi ako against being intimate with him. In fact, I like it. It’s just that takot ako mahuli at mahanapan ng mali. I don’t know maybe my fears are elevated with the preconceived notions in my head. My mom is surprisingly p chill about things. Ang hirap lang talaga siguro na ingrained sa kultura natin ang pagiging taboo ng intimacy. I think I have to learn that intimacy does not always equate to sin? INTIMACY=LOVE! Ack why do we have to pretend. Stresseme. AT DAHIL DITO, I’ve noticed the same pattern when it comes to my career. Yes I enjoy what I do but money is still the main driving force. Ewan ko ba. I never really liked school but I do it because it’s what I think that I have to do. Honor pa yern? hahaha pero parang kadikit na kasi ng identity ko yung pag-excel kaya ayon. Basta mataas grades kahit wala naman natututunan, G. Ngayon, basta may pera at mas malaki savings, mas panatag. It looks like you have everything together if you excel or if you can afford to buy all the shit you want. But it seems like hollow naman lahat ng achievements na yan. Mindlessly grinding for nothing. Ito na ba yung tinatawag nilang quarter life crisis? Everything I’ve been doing before feels like a lie. Ngayong nagwewear off na yung mga hollow motivations ko noon, sobrang lost ko na. Isa akong malaking fraud. chareng. Road to shedding off my defenses and uncovering my tru self na ba itu? Haha sana naman ano. Who am I without the inhibitions? Without the fear of judgement, negative comments and violent reactions? Awareness is the first step. I’m just happy that I’m starting to recognize these fears that have been greatly affecting my life decisions. I’m also happy that I have Mark huhu who’s been really supportive. Walang angal kahit anong side ko ipakita ko kaya sobrang komportable ako huhu. Ako si bubbles na napwersa maging si blossom pero naging buttercup. Haha but seriously, I’ve grown bitter and angsty sa buhay ko dahil sa mga akala kong dapat kong gawin. Wala naman nagiimpose, assumera lang ako. Ramdam ko namang kaligayahan ko lang rin ang hangad ng mga nagmamahal sa akin. Nasa sa akin na lang yung pagpursue non.

[hopesandparachutes]

12-14-20

2020. Hay grabe ka. Back to back to back realizations.

Neglected kid na gumawa ng sariling fantasy world. Dinismiss lahat ng tao sa paligid at kumapit sa mga band members, tao sa twitter, at mga unavailable crushes. Mga taong may calculated distance at surebol na may little to no chance na maabot. Nang unti unting nabasag ang fantasy world—nahumanize ang mga idolo, naubusan ng magic sa career path, at nawalan ng gana in general. Tumigil mag-art at pinatakbo nalang ng pera.

For so long I romanticized life. I thought everything should be perfect. Kaya onting sight of failure suko nako agad. Pero ugh part pala ng buhay lahat yon. At walang perfect fantasy world.

Ditch your dreamy career and fantasy to save the world. Little things are okay, as long as nakatulong ka. Your career is your craft and you won't magically become better if you don't keep practicing. It's a skill you need to hone. Walang kwenta ang talent kung wala namang gawa at improvement. Ok at maalam ka nga sa technique pero pulpol ka naman sa concepts and ideation. Kung sa regular work mo nga di naman pwede icompromise ang deadline para sa inspiration. Wala naman yung pinagkaiba sa creative work.

Ditch that perfect idea of a friend or even a soulmate. Everyone is like you. May topak, may blind spots, at may weaknesses. It's up to you na lang alin kaya mong ihandle haha.

I'm done living life high up in the clouds. It's time to wake up. Di ka perfect haha.

#wew