inqilabi

[inqilabi]

There's been a number of times in my life where I'll retreat into playing my childhood video games. And it's a physical retreat into my childhood in order to feel safe, despite the fact that my childhood was not necessarily safe, but playing video games took me out reality - and reality was not safe. It was a coping mechanism. And while I no longer play video games, every so often with certain "triggers" I feel this desire to retreat into nostalgia to feel safe.

#thoughts on being #childhood

[inqilabi]

Passengers. The movie. Another good one

You guys have given me good suggestions on scenes/shows that can be used to assess whether someone understands a woman's internal motives.

Any examples of TVs or shows where a woman is being sexualized when she is in pain? That's also a good one to assess someone with.

A fair number of movies in the 70s to early 2000s did this. I don't feel that I see this as much now. But to give an example, I remember some tv shows where a woman is screaming/ in trouble / making a 911 call but they literally have her moaning. Like it was a deliberate choice by the directors to have her moan instead of be in shrieking pain

[inqilabi]

protests are not inherently revolutionary. Specific types of "protests" are. Our governments can & do use protests as a form of psyop or de-fanging. Color revolutions are exactly that. They don't just happen abroad but they also happen locally.

Tho locally, it's usually some form of reducing protests to an ineffective form. This happen in the 60s as well when the CIA handed down their playbook to FBI on how to make American organizing ineffective.

#communist organizing is too weak at the moment

[inqilabi]

idk if what I'm going to say is unpopular today, cos it would have been some time ago - but I do not agree with protests that disrupt the lives of ordinary working folks. Like the golden gate bridge shutdown. It has no impact on the government thats funding Israel. Has no impact on Israel. Therefore, has no impact on the Palestinian cause. It was the same for BLM protests that were traffic sit-ins etc. It shows mass solidarity which is a talking point for media outlets. Gives them a news cycle. I see this as consumptive behaviours. Protests that target Starbucks etc are targeting consumptive behaviours or are consumptive themselves, which is precisely what you would see in the heart of the empire.

The only protests in the West that would be useful are the ones that disrupt the supply chain. Disrupting manf or shipment of arms. Withholding your income taxes en masse or preventing funds from being transferred to Israel or Ukraine (idk how that can be done). Taking out servers with viruses or hacking, especially for finance capital. Idk if the people are ready for that because this will get you jailed for life. And the FBI would kill you the next day.

The ordinary person should never be the target of a protest.

[inqilabi]

I’m kind of surprised you started dating a lot more and are open to Islam recently, you’re one of the reasons I stopped entirely, which neither is a wrong thing to do. It’s kind of hard to do it alone but I just prioritized friendships in the time I’ve been following you. Which actually is closer to 10 years now I think, definitely since way before the pandemic. Anyway it’s just been on my mind to send this ask for a while now, you seem so successful that when I get to be where you are I know I’ll be even less interested in marriage and dating, but I guess that’s also a plus for you since you said you want kids. Good luck with it all, It’s great you were able to reconcile yourself and Islam, I’ve never felt like religion could be fulfilling, especially when you have views on gender and politics that go again the core tenants of a patriarchal religion. But I can see how the immediate community has its appeal and people are judged overly harshly when they don’t conform to societal and gender expectations of be a woman/man then have a partner/kids, and it’s not like there aren’t other good things too. Anyway I’m glad I followed you when I did because I got a new perspective and it made me more of a brave, accountable person, I’m not really afraid of being lonely and I can take accountability for my wrongs too, knowing that socialization is so deep I need to think about why and what I’m doing. You a few other people impacted me so deeply when I was 16 and trying to leave my parents home

wow this is a very sweet message. But almost makes feel scared that i had an impact on impressionable young teens I dont think my views on Islam have changed, certainly not as much as my view on dating. I still have the same criticisms of sunni jurisprudence. I think i just have less of exposure to that community now as i did back in the day, and it just use to rile me up. I was just angry, justifiably so, and wanting to dismiss everything - and it showed up in the tone of my writing.

I mean i still can't go around muslim events saying the things i actually believe. Sunni jurisprudence is undeniably patriarchal. But so long as they aren't like getting very preachy, doing halaqas and sermons on how to oppress women, im okay. In my uni days, MSAs were actually doing exactly that. That's why i was so critical. But i see now this type of thing seems to be dying down, atleast in my area. i dont find religion fulfilling but i do find likeminded people fulfilling. I still associate more with like academic type folks who either research religion, anthropology, write critiques. I went to a party full of marxists the other day. I didnt agree with everyone there. But i suppose, its discussion that's fulfilling. And sometimes muslim community and gathering can be very dismissive and not receptive to discussion. Which is a shame because in the islamic golden age, that's all they were doing.

i was honestly planning to be alone, and my plan was to solo adopt a kid if i wanted a child. I felt this way all the way up until like summer of 2022. then something did change. and i didn't want to be alone. if you had asked the 2013-2022 version of me, i would have balked at the thought of me wanting a partner. I was almost proud of it. Proud of being a single unattached woman with no men in her life. I suppose the only thing I can say now is that it's very hard to predict how and what you will feel and want at some point in the future. I was certain that I wouldn't want companionship and kids. Half my blog was dedicated to it. And that is kind of scary. I actually wrote about this on my blog back in the fall of 2022. It scared me how much something had shifted so suddenly, something that was a such long held state. If that could change, what else could change?

At your age, i would say prioritize career first ofc/financial freedom etc. If you dont have that, you wont feel ready for anything else. And ofc keep expanding your friend circle and forming connections through local activities or travel.

#asks #love mail

[inqilabi]

Any of my followers in the state of New York?

[inqilabi]

Do men hide their porn use these days. I feel like you don't really need to "identify" men who watch porn cos they'll just say they do.

Perhaps Muslims one hide but even those, I've found they'll be like "it's a vice I'm working on". So I wonder if it's really necessary to have tell signs.

Although if a man wants you and is a dishonest man, and knows that porn is one of your deal breakers, then ya he can hide it until he has you

[inqilabi]

You guys have given me good suggestions on scenes/shows that can be used to assess whether someone understands a woman's internal motives.

Any examples of TVs or shows where a woman is being sexualized when she is in pain? That's also a good one to assess someone with.

A fair number of movies in the 70s to early 2000s did this. I don't feel that I see this as much now. But to give an example, I remember some tv shows where a woman is screaming/ in trouble / making a 911 call but they literally have her moaning. Like it was a deliberate choice by the directors to have her moan instead of be in shrieking pain

[inqilabi]

Early game of thrones episodes where Daenerys is reacting to her abusive brother and then husband but has to stay silent

The Office where Pam is silently enduring Roy

oh yes! those solid suggestions. Someone also suggested cersei! I think Pam is a really good one because Roy makes the typical male comments like "oh if i wasn't dating Pam, i'd be so into that" referring to the character Amy Adams plays. That's a good one because so many men think this is totally acceptable

[inqilabi]

To the Anon who asked me if I found out more ways to tell if a guy is watching porn,. I did. But these thoughts come and go as I go on dates. I have to really just sit down and think about it.

So I'll reply with a list when I've thought it through

[inqilabi]

Guys I need help. I need film or TV material that shows a woman's emotional state being depicted in antagonism to a man's. Where it is not explicitly verbally stated what she is feeling.

I need to run a man I'm talking to, through this so I can see if he can understand a woman's internal motives. Thinking Breaking Bad Skylar. I mean I can use that. But it might be a good idea to throw some other material out there as well that captures this scenario as well as BB/Skylar. I mean that's why men called her a b**** back in the day because they had zero understanding or sympathy towards a woman/wife internal being.

I think gone girl is another good one to test a man through. But that one explicitly spells out the monologue so it's not as "implicit".

I think that one scene in A Promising Young Woman where she kicks the garbage can. That's a good test too. But might be too obvious. As a woman I related heavily to that scene and disappointment she felt. I think it's important to be able to discern that she's not just angry, she's disappointed!

[inqilabi]

I watched Monkeyman, and it's a really good movie!! im so impressed with dev patel. It's so well done in amazed

I want the film to do well!!

[inqilabi]

Surprises me the number of men that believe that they can have a marriage with just about any woman. Once they are ready to get married - they think any number of women with the 3-4 criteria (beautiful, educated, 1 specific physical feature they desire, 1 personality trait they desire) will work.

I believe that everyone has an internal character. And not everyone is going to be compatible even with someone who "checks all the boxes" initially. Some people have too much of an ego and just constantly invalidate or externalize every story you tell about yourself, to something other than your character - your tenacity, your smart. And with their ownselves, they'll internalize every story to their own tenacity and their smarts. For someone this might be hurtful but for someone else, this might be sexy & confident. Some people have no ego and are sweet and validating constantly. But someone might find this to be too cloying, too nice. Some people might want that fiestyness of the former.

And if your internal characters don't really match, you will have to do a lot of work - ie have *a LOT* of conversations teaching each other how to communicate so that you don't get butthurt. I actually see this as a fundamental incompatibility because to be constantly told to change your character, which you have a tendency to revert to, is going to be annoying - you'll view it as nagging. And it's exhausting for the other partner to have to communicate and teach all of this, and constantly remind.

Could it work and result in the long-term relationship? Yes. But this is what I think people refer to when they mean, "relationships are work". These people are fundamentally incompatible in terms of this "internal character". Thaat's why it requires a lot of work. And I think it's very rare to run into somebody that has an internal character that works with yours. And perhaps that's what soulmates are - someone with a disposition and internal character that soothes yours. Note that I didn't say character and disposition that's exactly like yours. Because it's possible that a complement is actually better.

#thoughts on dating #I don't know if that made any sense

[inqilabi]

I’m an ex muslim desi woman still living at home with parents pretending to be muslim. I’m 26 and I want to move out. I’m gonna start saving so by the end of the next 2 years i can do it. My job is based in the same city as them so I cant use the work excuse. I had an argument with my mom and sister about it today and they used the usual misogynistic religious/cultural stuff like “it looks wrong for an unmarried woman living alone” etc. mom got suuuuper upset and even cried. But she said if i was married it’d be completely fine or maybe for a job in another city. Do you have any advice how to navigate this? My other sisters are married and moved out. My younger brother plans to move out when hes married within the next year too so i think they kinda depend on me to take care of them which is obviously unfair, especially because im unmarried and dont plan to get married soon.

I am sorry to hear this hun. My advice is to definitely move out and commit to it at any cost. I know all the emotional blackmail is very tough to deal with but take it from me. Even if you stayed back, they will not appreciate it/you. And down the road you will be resentful. And let's say it ends up costing you advancement in your life (dating, job prospects etc etc), family and the world will basically blame you for not having your shit together. Like no one understands if such things hold you back.

That's really what I have learned through all the things that I faced is to be inconsiderate of people's feelings. Because guess what - they will still be crying even if you are the perfect daughter.

In your case, if you don't want to get a new job right now then I suggest you say that your interviewing for jobs. And then you know pretend to take calls etc etc as you would if you were interviewing. Make it believable. And then say that you got a job in this x city. And then move. Get comfortable at faking and lying. I suggest lying solely because it's the path of least resistance. You could obviously just look for apartments, commit to it, and then once you sign the lease say - you're moving out. You've signed the lease. And then deal with the emotional outbursts and fall out from there on. You can live with multiple roommates to make it more affordable so you can do it sooner.

Either that or have a 6-8 month plan. 2 years sounds like it could be too far out for you but only you can judge if you can tolerate living at home for that long. during this time apply for jobs that pay more and are further out. But defs have a goal and commit to it.

It would be useful if you could rely on any one of your siblings for help and support. With the process or even lying. Like for instance my brother was totally okay with me lying to get out etc.

#asks

[inqilabi]

How did you manage to create a group of local women do to activities with? Did you post it on some platform like "meetup"? (it isn't free to have an event there)

It was October 2022. Coming out of the pandemic. I booked a local community cafe that had free bookings for public events. And I went on bumble bff. And I matched with WoC. And then once I matched with them I sent them a message saying, I am hosting a public event for local women at X date and X time. Are you down to meet me and other women. And they were usually down, and they asked how many other women have agreed. And by the end of was like 16 women.

And all women showed up! And we played games, had coffee and chatted. And then I made a Facebook/WhatsApp group out of it. And they commented how everyone was from the same local region and a woman of color LOL.

It died down largely because I was the creator so everyone kind of looked towards me to continue hosting events. But I hate planning lol. I was hoping that someone else would take over but no one did.

But basically use bumble bff. Any other local places you can post and you will have women show up cos there's so many ppl who want to connect tbh

[inqilabi]

Pretty much all men I have come across in dating do not prioritize women. Obviously. But this is in stark contrast to women - all women that I know prioritize men in dating and marriage to the point that they disappear off the map completely when they get married. But men continue to have boys nights, boys trips, and other male social networks and supports. I mean this is something that I noted a really long time ago. But to go out there in the dating world, and see it to be true, is really quite frustrating.

I don't know if this is just my circle of WoC of a certain age where they dont do 'girls nights ' and 'girls trips'.

#thoughts on being #womanhood #thoughts on dating

[inqilabi]

One other thing that I realized, which changed my approach to how I disagree with people on politics is just simply listen to where they're coming from. As opposed to being combative right off the bat and hurling accusations at them that they are racist or don't care about x group of people. And truly listen with an open mind, no matter how much you disagree with that view. Mind you this means to actually consider the possibility that they might be right!

E.g., when people used to say that migrant men in these European countries rape women more than the average European man. I thought that they were viewing these migrant men as backward animals, a very sort of colonialist view. But I'm open to considering this view. Perhaps it is possible that migrant men have a different view of European women and target them more. See them as disposable. Or women in general as disposable than the native european man. It's very possible. Of course I would need to see evidence. You would need to see that migrant men commit sexual offenses at a higher rate for their small population size compared to European men. Or that there is a rise in reported sexual assaults since an increase in migrant men. We would need to account for the fact that women aren't more likely to report SA in the case of migrant men vs european men, but it happens at the same rate. Etc etc. Because I do not want it to be the scenario of how they used to say that about black men in the segregation era when that wasn't actually true.

The point is that I won't necessarily get riled up anymore. Because when someone holds these views that I disagree with, that's all it is - a disagreement. Most of the time it has no material impact. We are just existing in words online or dinner table conversations etc. Until I see material impact, I think I'm likely to just consider it all as fluff.