izwatiz13
Thoughts; Borrowed & My Own
The things I can't say to the people I feel these things for and the motivation to keep working on myself all rolled into one.
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Do you know how hard it is to function like nothing is wrong with shattered glass in the place where your heart is? How hard it is to participate in life when it hurts to just breathe?
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I hate that this is hurting you. Part of me thinks that you are now feeling what I’ve felt for so long. The pain, the rejection, the sadness of wanting something so much but knowing you can’t have it. The feeling of playing yourself for the sake of someone that you love. But most of me wants to hold you, cover you in kisses, and stay with you forever. I’d convinced myself that you loved me but not enough to be hurt when I left. I’d convinced myself that you were just passing time with me until the next moment with the people that you truly love. I guess I always thought that you cared for me but not enough to change your world to love me properly and claim me to the world. And while this is true, I do know that you love me, that you will miss me. You’d convinced me that you were intentionally leaving space. That you didn’t need me. That I was an option. I wish things could remain how they were, but it hurts not being prioritized by the person you love. It hurts being placed last by the person you put first. It hurts to not be considered by someone that you consider in every decision you make, every day. I want someone to love me how we love when we are together and love me like you love her when we’re apart. I want passion and consideration. I want to be wanted and respected. I want someone to be proud of me and of us together. Those are things you can’t give me. I’m the reality you don’t want.
It would be so easy to stay here and the desire to do so is so strong because your heart is my home. But I know that there are limits to what you can give me and I want to give and receive everything in relationship. If I stay, what would I be sacrificing? You said your life has been one of sacrifice, but mine has too. For over 30 years I’ve put others needs in front of mine. And the last almost 11 years I’ve put your needs before mine because I wanted to keep you in my life, because you are what I wanted. And even though I still want you as much as I ever have, the need to share all facets of my life has become greater. The need to have someone reliable and committed to me is greater. I’m tired of being alone. My life has changed again and I am alone more and more. While I can handle it being alone and in some ways I prefer it, I still need to feel loved and supported. I want to feel wanted all the time not just when it’s convenient - even when it’s inconvenient, especially when it’s inconvenient. I want my own reality.
-Izwatiz13
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“The exquisite beauty and serenity of palms on beaches” || dotzsoh
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“有缘千里来相会无缘对面不相识。 If destined to meet, even those separated by a great distance will meet each other. If not destined to meet, even those who are face-to-face will not know each other.”
— Chinese Proverb (via unsensitised)
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Who could have ever guessed that the mire thought of you could stop me in my tracks after all this time? But the way you can is unnerving and knocks me to my knees everytime.
-Izwatiz13
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Hearing you say that you love me tears my heart to shreds, but damn if I wouldn’t let you obliterate my heart just to hear you say it every single day, feel it every moment of every day.
-Izwatiz13
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