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jaehyunspeachparty · 1 year

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daddy jaehyun

iv.lxxxi. (a)

The End

Meanwhile, Mia and Xiaojun have come to the hospital. Johnny also followed a few minutes later. Nobody could believe what happened. "Can't you go to her?" Johnny asked Jaehyun, gently putting his hand on his shoulder. Jaehyun shook his head and continued to wait. The doctors and nurses hadn't left your room yet. Seconds felt like hours to Jaehyun. He didn't know how to do it anymore. Mia meanwhile spoke to a medical staff member. Since she was your sister and therefore a close relative, she got every information. "What happened?" Xiaojun asked when his girlfriend came back. He had Kiwoo in his arm, which he was rocking reassuringly. "A truck driver missed a red light. He appeared to be heavily intoxicated and was driving high speed. Doctors said it could have been much worse, but apparently only the front of the car was hit… " "There where Y/N was sitting…", Xiaojun said quietly and stroked Kiwoo over his hair. "Where's Mama?" Sunoh was getting restless. He was quiet for a long time, but he was also getting tired. But then Miga came to him and put her hand on his hair. "Mom is sick, you have to wait for the doctors to give her medicine." Here you could see that Miga was the eldest child. She knew she had to behave calmly now and that's why she tried to calm her brother down. "Should we ask Jaehyun to take the children with us?" Xiaojun asked his girlfriend. Mia nodded and walked over to Jaehyun, who was still staring at the door that leads to the room you're in. "Jaehyun, we'll take the kids until you know more. Is that okay?" Mia wasn't sure if he was listening. He was still rigid and looked towards the door. "Jaehyun?" She grabbed his upper arm, but he flinched. With a startled look he looked at Mia. "I…you can…" He can hardly find the words, but at that moment the door opened and a doctor came out. Jaehyun looked at the man expectantly. "You can go in now, she's awake," said the doctor and nodded confidently. Jaehyun's heart stopped for a short moment, he looked at Mia, who smiled softly. "We're waiting," she said, and Jaehyun started walking.

Jaehyun slowly walked into the room. He was afraid of what awaited him. A nurse labels a blood sample while the doctor whispers something to her. Jaehyun saw you lying in bed. You could hardly move, everything felt numb. At first you didn't notice Jaehyun, but then he took your hand and sat down next to you. "Jaehyun…", you say and realize how much strength it costs you. At that moment he burst into tears. He wasn't one to cry easily, but he was so scared of losing you. Jaehyun lay down on top of you and was so glad to have you here alive. You start crying too. It was all so much and you couldn't remember anything. "How are the kids?" you ask him then, stroking his hair. "They are all safe and sound." He smiled and was so relieved. "And Sophia?" This time you don't look at Jaehyun but at the doctor. Jaehyun sat up in surprise and didn't know what was happening. "I can't feel her…or am I deaf?" Somehow you already knew the answer. You pull down the covers and put your hand on your pregnant belly. The doctor took a step forward and you knew that good news wasn't about to come. "You were crushed in the accident. The pressure detached the placenta and blocked the oxygen supply…we haven't found a heartbeat since you were in the hospital…" You looked at your belly and you kind of knew it. Was meeting your father not a dream after all? "It can't be…how do you know that?" Jaehyun reacted with anger. He didn't want to accept that. "We've done all the tests. There's no sign of life." The doctor showed the videos of the ultrasound. There was no movement, no heartbeats…nothing. "That is not true!" Jaehyun couldn't believe it all. Anger and frustration rose in him. Your daughter was almost a finished baby. Even if she were born now, she would have a good chance of surviving. "Jaehyun…" You take his hand and look at him calmly. But then you turn to the doctor. "What's the next step?" you ask him and you don't understand yourself why you're so composed right now. "We would still induce the birth today. The nurse is just getting medicine for it." "Does that mean I have to go through a normal birth?" You were scared at the thought and slowly you felt sick. Do you really have to give birth to a dead baby? "Isn't a C-Section enough here?" Jaehyun didn't know what to think anymore. On the one hand his baby was dead, on the other hand he didn't want you to go through the pain of childbirth too. "From a psychological point of view the decisive factor is that women cope better with the loss of their child emotionally in the long term if they have given birth naturally. Since a mother-child bond develops during pregnancy, it is also important for many women to to keep their child with them for a while after the birth, so we will give you time with the child then." Jaehyun couldn't look the doctor in the eye anymore, he didn't know how to deal with it. He held your hand tightly and stared at the floor. You were composed…for whatever reason…maybe you haven't realized it yet. "I'd like to see the kids," you say, looking at Jaehyun. "Are they here?" He nodded and tried to collect himself. "Yes, they are outside with Mia, Xiaojun and Johnny. Shall I bring them in?" "Yes…" You nod and smile. Jaehyun got up and walked out of the room. Just a few seconds later he came in with Miga and Sunoh on his hands. Followed by Mia and Xiajon carrying the twins and Johnny. The doctor left the room in the meantime and gave you your time.

Jaehyun lifted Miga and Sunoh up to you. Sunoh immediately snuggled up to you. Then the twins were added to you and you breathe in the scent of your children. "I'm so glad to have you. I love you so much," you say to your children, kissing their hair, forehead, and pinky fingers. Geon was just climbing over your stomach when Miga stopped him. "Take care of the baby!" she warned him. You smile and caress her cheek. "It's okay, the baby doesn't feel anything anymore," you say. At that moment, Mia looked at Jaehyun in surprise, who just stood there rigidly and didn't know how to exist anymore. "Y/N…" Mia also went to the bed. Tears welled up in her eyes and she took your hand. "Dad takes care of her," you say to your little sister. "Dad?" Mia looked at Jaehyun, but he didn't know anything about that either. "When I was unconscious I met Dad at his house in France. We talked about everything and then it was Sophia…" You stop and reach for your stomach. Then you tell the story of what happened. Tears rolled down Mia's cheeks. She sat on your bed and cried into your shoulder. You watch everyone cry, only you couldn't...

After Mia, Xiaojun and Johnny took your kids back and left the hospital, Jaehyun stayed with you. Meanwhile a midwife and a nurse came to you. They gave you the medication to induce labor. They also gave you medication to make the birth as painless as possible. "Do you have any questions?" the midwife then asked, looking at you calmly and gently. "What happens after the birth?" You were unsure of how things will go when your baby is here. "When the baby is born, it will be wrapped up, cleaned and put in your arms if you want it. If you need time for this step, you can get it. You can calmly think about whether and when you want to have your child again. Many parents consciously celebrate the farewell to their child: they hug it, stroke it, take photos or leave footprints in order to retain as many memories as possible. If you cannot or do not like to look at your child at first, you can also ask us or ask a family member to describe her. The milk that comes in after birth can be suppressed with pills." She looked at you calmly and somehow you were glad that for the first time you got a look that wasn't pathetic. "Here the pills." The nurse put the medication and a glass of water on your table. The nurse seemed less composed. She couldn't look you in the eye. It was the first time they had to be with a still birth. To you it felt like sheer madness. Everyone was crying and losing control of their emotions, only you sat there feeling silently numb. Why don't you feel anything? Was your body still in shock? "We'll come by in half an hour and then we'll see when it starts," said the midwife and you nodded silently. In the meantime you have been taken to a room of your own. The room was only for you, far away from children and the childbirth station. Without hesitation, you swallow the medication and then lie back in bed. Everything was so quiet here…too quiet. "Jaehyun…" You look at him. He was just clearing out your stuff. Johnny had brought the birth bag here. You only prepared them a week ago. The most important things were inside, in case the birth would start soon. "Yes?" he asked quietly, but not looking at you. Rather, his gaze was fixed on something in his hands. "What you have there?" You became curious and try to catch a glimpse. Jaehyun turned around rigidly and showed you the piece he has in his hands. "We bought it for her…" It was a white onesie. A romper for your daughter… "We should put it on her," you say then. "Why are you so composed?" Jaehyun yelled across the room and you could see his fingers digging into the white fabric. His veins were popping out everywhere. But you were surprised that he yelled at you. You look at him with wide eyes and freeze. But in that moment he realized what he had just done. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" He walked over to you and sat on your bed. He took your hand and put his forehead on it. "I just don't know what to do with myself. My heart is breaking right now and this pain feels so real. I just don't want to lose our girl." He kept crying. You've never seen Jaehyun cry so much in your life. "I don't know why I'm so calm… maybe because I know she's safe with my dad? Maybe I just haven't realized it yet..." You sigh and slowly feel everything in your body contracting. You knew this feeling well, after all you had already brought four children into the world. It all felt the same. "Jaehyun…" You take his hand and when you feel the first contraction you panic a little. "It starts." You take a deep breath. "Should I get the midwife or a doctor?" he asked worried, but you shook your head. "Can you sing me something?" You look at him and feel how slowly the contractions subside. "What do you want to hear?" he asked softly and lay down next to you. "Lost…" You don't know why you wanted to hear that song, but it was the only thing you wanted. Jaehyun hesitated, but he knew he didn't want to refuse you anything at that moment. "Okay…" He took your hand and looked into your eyes. He started singing.

>>It's been a long time since you're gone Still filled up with the scent of your warmth And staring at a blank wall Drawing what's been natural Gets way more vivid when I'm lost Just wandering in the crowd where I'm standing No matter how much it sways Listening to the songs we used to relay. Nothing will change Done counting down the reasons...<<

Jaehyun was beginning to find it difficult to sing the song. He had more and more problems with every word. But you close your eyes and put your hands on your belly.

>>Honestly, wanted to say "Nobody else," but need you to stay By any chance, it might've been too late, too late And could've been obvious No time to blame All I want is having you in my day...<<

He couldn't sing anymore. His voice trembled and he gasped for air. You open your eyes and wipe away his tears. "Thanks…" You kiss him softly and you were so glad he was by your side.

After half an hour the midwife was back with the nurse. They said that it can already start and you are surprised that everything happened so quickly. But the medication made a lot of things happen. Another doctor came into the room and another nurse made up your bed. "How are you?" the doctor asked, looking at you as he put on his gloves. "I don't know. How am I supposed to feel?" You sigh and you feel the next contractions. But you were drugged, the drugs were working. "Nobody knows," the doctor said softly and you were relieved that he would give birth to you. When it started, Jaehyun was standing next to you. He held your hand, your arm. He didn't leave your side for a second. And it doesn't take long and you're pushing and pushing. It was all easy, painless and quick. It was an unusual birth. Everything seemed like a dream to you, but then the doctor looked up at you again. "She'll be here with the next contraction," he said, and you nod. Jaehyun took a deep breath and he didn't know himself how he would react. The next contraction came and you started to push and then there was she. Sophia was born, but she was silent… Everyone froze. Only the doctor gave the dead child to the midwife, who cleaned and dressed her. The doctor was still taking care of the afterbirth, but you don't get all that. You look up at Jaehyun and he looks up at you. "Do you want to see her?" the midwife then asked. Jaehyun wasn't sure, but you nod. The midwife turned, took the child and came to you. You saw the onesie that Jaehyun had been holding in his hands just a while ago. And then she was in your arms. A little girl, she looked so ready… so alive. She had black hair and she looked so much like Miga. You stroke her fingers and you realize that she didn't react. Nothing moved. Her skin was cold, she had no pink lips, there was no heartbeat. And in that moment you let out a scream that was filled with pain. Jaehyun collapsed to his knees, he couldn't look at his dead daughter and you couldn't stop screaming. The young nurse couldn't take it anymore, she ran out of the room crying. A child should have been screaming here, but now it was you…

_____

When you came home days later, you didn't know if you were ready for it. But you are happy to have your children with you again. Jaehyun drove you home. He hasn't spoken much since your daughter was born, but neither have you. You two just exist right now. He was also not at home in the meantime. His parents took care of everything. Jaehyun never left your side, even when he couldn't find the words. You get out of the car and slowly you went into your house. Jaehyun held your hand tightly. As you enter the antechamber, you hear Kiwoo giggling, Sunoh singing, Geon squeaking, and Miga babbling. These sounds felt like balm for your soul. You didn't think your children's voices would do you so much good. You look at Jaehyun with relief and realize that he felt the same way. "Welcome home," he said, and it was the first words in a long time. You nod and you both go to the kitchen. There were white lilies everywhere in the hallway. The whole room was full of them. There were white lilies all over the kitchen. Every surface was covered with it. "What's that?" you ask quietly, looking around. "I believe these are from your sister Audrey," Jaehyun said, showing you a card. "It's so terribly hard and against nature when children have to go in front of their parents…", you don't read any further, but reach for the next card. "From Taeil: The death of such a young hopeful person is hard for all of us to comprehend…" Jaehyun read. "From Taeyong: We go as we came with nothing but us alone. The world - these are just names...Being is a miracle." You found white lilies and letters from everyone you knew. They were from all your acquaintances and friends. Tears ran down your cheeks and Jaehyun struggled with his feelings too. You stood in the room full of white lilies - the flowers chosen for both weddings and funerals symbolize renewal of the soul and express compassion. "Mummyyyyy," you suddenly hear a voice. And little feet ran towards you. Sunoh immediately fell into your arms. "Mummyyyy!" Miga came right after her brother and Jaehyun saw how his parents cautiously entered the room. "Geon, Kiwoo," you took the two babies with tears in your eyes and collapsed to the ground. "We missed you," your daughter said, looking at you with concern. "I missed you too," you say, stroking her cheek. Meanwhile, Jaehyun also fell to the ground and also took his children in his arms.

And that was it.

That was your family.

Your luck.

Your life.

Love.

daddy jaehyun masterlist

________________________________________

I finally wrote the ending that had been in my head for so long. Thank you to everyone who has supported me with this story over the years. I have so many good memories with this and I always enjoy reading back. Thanks to all of you who read, wrote, and brainstormed with me. I hope I was able to bring you joy with this story, you gave me a lot of joy. I'm sitting here having a really hard time finding the perfect words for the ending and I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. I started writing the story in September 2019. It was just an idea and I didn't think it would develop that way. And it hurts me to end it here, but I think everything should come to an end. Of course I won't leave the story entirely, there will always be stories. I'm also thinking about writing a new Daddy Jaehyun story, but I'm still debating whether to publish it here or on my own blog. Even if the story ends here, I'm glad to have met such wonderful people through it, many thanks to everyone ❤

❤ Katy

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