keefwho

[keefwho]

April 25 - 2024

11:01pm

6/10

This morning I wiped down my sink, mirror, and toilet. My bathroom is pretty clean overall now. I took a nice long shower where I sat and enjoyed the hot water for a bit. For breakfast I made tuna spaghetti with a pineapple cup. After eating I tasted the bone broth I left on overnight and it definitely was more brothy but I did not like the taste much. It didn't smell appealing either and I had been whiffing it all day yesterday and this morning so I was very unappetized by it. I turned the crockpot off and planned on throwing it out later. Right before stream I remembered that I needed drinks from the store so mom took me immediately. It means I didn't get time to prepare myself for conversation starting with a stranger in person so I didn't do that this time. I did talk to mom though in a more open way than usual so that counts for something.

For work I warmed up with bats which as usual were interesting to draw in their own way. They also reinforced the idea that most animals really do come in only 2 or 3 poses. I finished the Venus commission today and a couple YCHs someone bought. I was feeling frisky on stream and had the idea to take a small hit of my pen so that I could do something fun after I was done working. I ended a little early since I didn't have anything else to do. I had a pretty good time doing my thing and I had a little help. For lunch I made a dinty moore beef stew with some little pasta added. I joined TK and friends while eating and watched them play Totally Accurate Battlegrounds. I didn't talk much, I was still a teensy bit high and was just chilling.

During my afternoon hours I finished a drawing of Pipp based on an idea request I got. It doesn't seem to have gotten great reception and I wasn't totally happy with how it came out either. I think for future requests I'm going to tone back the quality in favor of experimenting with capturing the raw energy of the idea more. Better composition/posing and all that. After that I left the VC and worked on the Mr Bean world a bit. I mostly starting texturing everything and was very slow because I was pretty done for the day. But what matters is that I did it.

When everything was done I took a little time to just watch a stream I enjoyed. I also did a little bit of video editing/organizing. I put together simple graphs for the excel sheet DS and I have for tracking our puzzle statistics. Then I had Twitch open and played horse game for a little bit. When DS was free she showed me how she airbrushed lips and nostrils onto her fursuit head which came out good. We watched the Nature and Numb episodes of Moral Orel which were both VERY heavy, much more than I imagined they'd be. I feel like I should have felt more uncomfortable with the drunk father situation really hitting home but I either got over that for real, suppress it very deeply, or just wasn't in the mood today. I'd like to believe I've made my peace with it. I already had my dad-hating phase and have since forgiven him for his past actions. The episodes also sparked religious conversation and a story of DS's degrading grandmother which I remember hearing before.

In bed we smoked puzzles and I grinded levels in KH2. We talked a lot about self worth and body image and being homies. I love conversations like that, ones that happen between people connecting over the struggles of life. And I love showing my support the best way I can because of how important other's support has been to me and my own improvement.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 24 - 2024 Wednesday

11:16pm

5/10

This morning I washed my bathroom floormats and scrubbed the whole floor. I also wiped down the crockpot I got from mom. For breakfast I made corned beef hash and oatmeal with apples.

For work I warmed up with bears, they are fun to draw. I worked on the Venus commission another hour and its coming along better than I thought it would. I was afraid I was borderline scamming the guy with how lazy it felt but it's actually taking some work. Then I worked on a couple of YCHs someone bought.

After lunch I prepared my crock pot to make the bone broth. I used about 8 hot wing bones I saved up and dumped then in there with a little vinegar and salt. The crock pot is old too, I found out it's from the 70s, apparently it came with the house. I didn't have much of an appetite but I made a pack of ramen for lunch fried up with some mixed veggies and onions. It was good but my tummy didn't like it so much, especially not with the yogurt I ate. I played the horse game a bit and was trying to solo a fishing event before a nice person came and joined me until it was complete.

While drawing today's request (which I hated), DV hit me up and we VCed for a little bit. We talked about friendships and relationships and life in general. A couple of his friends were there too. After the request I finished my first 'from life' art in VRchat and Im proud of it. Then I worked briefly on a cuck piece of my otter. I used my remaining work time to finish a version of my avatar with dog gear.

With work done I switched to Roblox horses. I played in call for a little bit but I left shortly after to decompress for the day. I played that for the next couple hours, doing a little training and goofing around. I send DS a goofy little video of me flexing after she asked me for strength. I only mention it because it was a small instance of letting my goofyness shine, I think often times I would avoid that. Then we called while she cleaned.

In bed we did puzzles. The crossword and connections were hard today. We read a chapter of Monster High where Cleo is being a total bitch. Then in KH2 I attempted the boss fight from yesterday but I'm too underleveled so I started grinding after she fell asleep.

I figured the bone broth would be done by now so I removed the bones and gave it a taste. It had color and an oilyness to it but it was a little bit bland and had a weird stinging aftertaste. I decided to put the bones back in and let it simmer overnight and see how it is then. I'm a little afraid to make a soup out of it however it turns out, almost like I've just made a concentrate thatll kill me.

My tummy is hurting before bed

~~~

Today Costar said "instead of trying to fix a friend's pain, ask how you can help them hold their sadness." Combining this with acceptance told me that I should be able to accept other people's pain as inevitable and something I can't "solve" as much as I want to help sometimes. I think the best thing I can ever do to "help" is to offer insight to what value the pain might hold and to ask the right questions to promote perspective. Other than that all I can do is listen and ensure that I'm here for them no matter what. Sometimes thats all people need.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 23 - 2024 Tuesday

11:08pm

6.5/10

This morning I gave Sporticus a bath. There was a big spider in the shower the whole time I couldn't seem to wash down the drain but it didn't bother me too much. She shed a TON of hair this time around. I also found out later that she peed in the corner of my room, likely after her bath while I was taking a shower. For breakfast I made a jimmy dean sandwich with rice and a pear cup. I intended on doing my workout today and this was a good breakfast for it calorie-wise. I watch an episode of Moral Orel about Doughy being neglected.

For work I warmed up with sketches of wolves. They didn't turn out as good as others and I found out that their front legs aren't easily simplified. Also that they are very similar to horses at certain joints. Then I spent another hour on the Venus commission coloring the characters. And then I finished preparing my next NSFW YCH.

After work I did my dishes and started my workout. I watched a video of Dan Schneider while I did a few sets of lunges and a couple miles on the treadmill. I found out my knee still hurts, I MAY have to schedule a doctor's appointment for it. Although I haven't given it an opportunity for some good rest so I should probably try to take it mega easy for a couple weeks before asking a doctor. For lunch I made chicken stew. I was aiming to make it rich and spicy but ended up making it too salty somehow, I think too much lemon pepper. It was edible but not that great for the effort. While cooling/eating, TK was messaging me about issues with her boyfriend and how he has a pattern of problematic jealousy. I took her side completely with what she had to say, it sounded to me like he not only had unrealistic expectations but also that he was not communicating the problem very well. It got me thinking a lot in general about jealousy and how the dynamic can change between two people that work well together when they elevate from friends to a relationship. I think nothing SHOULD change if both parties know how to talk and don't develop unrealistic needs.

I did my afternoon work late on account of how long the stew took. I did a request for FY that I think turned out okay and then I got into VRchat to paint from "life". I went to that old world DS and I found with all the hobkin avatars and picked a place to stand that I'm going to copy from. I think it's a great idea because it's basically just a color study and results in a sort of unique result, that being what looks like an uninteresting in-game screenshot but it's actually been hand painted. After that I worked on my avatar for about 15 minutes which was enough time to prepare and bake the AO for the textures. This whole time I was using my good headphones to listen to loud rain with some music and a stream at a lower volume.

When I was done I hopped on the Roblox horse game to catch some horses and check out the training island. DS was free so we called and watched a furry species ranking video while I horse trained and she practiced airbrushing. We also finally watched the fabled balut sausage video which was horrifying, I actually thought I might throw up and had to look away. Then it was more of the usual furry con content and we went on a sidetrack trying to see if any of the footage had her in it. We found about 10 pixels of her at the waterfront in 2022, still an exciting find.

In bed we did our puzzles. The crossword was really hard for some reason and took us a whole 12 minutes. The last 2 only took a little over 1 minute each. Then it was 2 Monster High chapters and I played through the Beast's Castle level in KH2 until I got to the boss. We did a little smash or pass session with the enemies and a few actually got me thinkin a little.

~~~

Today was strange in that for most of it, I really had the desire to be alone but not to be myself. Usually when I wanna do something alone, I'm still trying to express myself. But I didn't want that today, I wanted the influence of others. The happy medium was a little bit of texting. Also since today was about "self", I combined that with my Costar prompt which was "cry over someone else's problems". So during the afternoon I was thinking a lot about TK and DS, putting myself in their shoes thinking about the woes they both expressed today. It felt good, like a helpful empathy exercise.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 22 - 2024 Monday

11:40pm

6.5/10

I woke up at 3am last night with tummy cramps but they went away. This morning I shaved my body and had my stomach issues peak. For breakfast I just made a small soup and watched Moral Orel. I decided to stream.

On stream I warmed up with horses, trying to focus on head shape. I worked on the dreadful Venus commission for an hour and then finished the example for my Sparkle On YCH in 30 minutes. I ended early to sort out the YCH stuff and work on my own idea I had. I tried joining TK and friends while I did my idea but I really needed to focus to get it done in time. I made a 3d Earth Day turntable animation of DS's and I's horses, I thought it came out really well and I learned new things about Blender. It was such a joy to work on, I spent nearly 3 hours on it and worked through lunch.

In the afternoon I did the request which came out good while I hung out with BR while she played Minecraft. When I was done, I figured I'd take the rest of the afternoon off since I did all that work earlier and it also sorta counted for friend art AND world creation which is what I was supposed to do today. Instead I hopped on Minecraft for a little bit, and then Roblox horses. I also re-instated my AD on Twitter with the idea of keeping it exclusive this time and with the purpose of re-integrating with my sexuality and interests. Its MY place to exercise debauchery as I wish.

When DS was free we called and watched a little furry content before my therapy appointment.

I had a LOT to say to the therapist, a lot of journal entries had accumulated for him. But we got through it and he reassured me that the way I've been looking at/handling things is healthy so I'm on the right track. My homework is to make a conversation with someone IRL, probably at the store when I go to get drinks.

After therapy I played JD with DS. I changed my profile to fit the 80s girl because I love her design. I liked the Hoss Delgado look I had too but this is just different. I clipped my nails before DS got in bed. We did our puzzles, read a few Monster High chapters, and I saved China for the second time in Kingdom Hearts 2. After she fell asleep I got up to some shenanigans which is why I'm up late.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 21 - 2024 Sunday

11:00pm

6/10

Today was a VERY boring day, but in a way that I handled. As usual I took my shower first and sat in there for awhile since I had a mild headache from the night of drinking. For breakfast I made a grilled cheese and lipton soup. I watched Moral Orel while eating which was gross this time because it was the episode where the doctor guy gets a Jesus shaped wound. After that I did a smash or pass tier list without the intention of doing the whole thing but I did. I bought this $0.99 book on Amazon about horse lesbians which was a worth it read. Then I joined TK and friends while I farmed butterflies in the Roblox horse game. They were playing Valorant which numbed my brain awfully. I collected about 500 butterflies and then took a 20 minute nap in call. I had decided to go make lunch but DS had messaged me right on time so we called while she drove home and told me about horses and stuff. I used my bluetooth so I could make flatbread, smoked ham, mixed vegetables, and cheese. It came out really good since I've stopped overcooking the bread. She got home and I ate my lunch, then switched to horse farming until she became free. She started working on her fursuit so we watched a Moral Orel together and a Monster High movie. It was a pretty good one this time. Then we settled for furry con videos until some VR time. In VR we checked out a Mother 3 world and did some tier land things. I had taken a fair little hit to compliment my drinking and it was nice. In bed we did out puzzled, recorded the results, read a Monster High, and did KH2.

It was a no brain day where I made it a point to be okay with doing basically nothing. But I dont want to say it like that, its not like playing the horse game for HOURS was meaningless. I valued the time of low effort thinking and good vibes. Same with the tier list.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 20 - 2024 Saturday

12:10am

7/10

This morning I took my shower and reheated some tuna casserole leftovers for breakfast. The first thing I did today was get book club ready. Then I watched some Moral Orel and played the horse Roblox game. DS called while she was driving twice. Also had a lot of confusion regarding plans on three sides but it was okay. I made a funny edit of her cat and put together a simple excel sheet for our puzzle nights. I spent a little time in BR's server while I played horse game. I ate lunch real late because I wasn't hungry, I had spaghettios. Book club went pretty bad, the people who didn't read the chapter had a hard time following along and some rowdy individuals joined that I had to wrangle. Afterward I joined DS and we went to probability labs. Then we went to some chill places and friends from Telegram joined. It was a fun little night, we ended after Would You Rather. In bed we watched Alpha and Omega but she fell asleep 3/4 of the way through. I'm also very tired, I got a little more crossfaded than usual and I felt very wiggly.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 19 - 2024 Friday

12:18am

6.5/10

This morning I took out the trash, vacuumed, and wiped down my desk. For breakfast I made dinty moore beef stew with some pasta added in. I watched some Moral Orel, great show.

On stream I warmed up with Rats upon DS's request. I also had a lot of Tablet trouble and had to restart twice before I could start working. I learned that rats lend themselves very well to the oval technique. I worked on the Venus commission for an hour and then switched to my Sparkle On YCH. I drew a good body but it didn't fit my otter and might not fit many others that get this YCH so I'll be doing a lot of body modification for each one. It'll up the price.

After work I hopped on VRchat with the intention of multitasking. I was going to try to tweak my social organization but I couldn't with this girl in the lobby talking mine and TK's ears off. She was interesting but she wouldn't let us get a word in. Also she was drunk. I mostly partook in the conversation while I made lunch with was tuna casserole I've never made before. It was pretty good and I even had milk to use.

After lunch I worked on my millie cuck art drawing moxie's frame. I had to redo the colors because I didn't like what I made which was hard but always worth it for a better result. I hung out in BR's server while working, I watched videos with them on the side. For awhile her and JG left and it was just me. I vibed out to classic music of mine until BR got back. We chatted while I worked on my Mr Bean world. I'm finding that even with such a simple world, I probably need a trello for it. When I was done, I almost immediately hopped into VRchat to attend RS's birthday part for a tiny bit like I said I would. It's not really my scene but it seemed really important to him that I attended. Also my mom called him to wish happy birthday which was funny. I was a little offput by the extreme amount of PDA I saw. I got off to chill a little bit before DS got on since I was getting socially overloaded. I watched some more Moral.

When she got on we hung out in a Black Cat to start. She was very grateful for her new controller allowing her to move properly. Our old friend Chicken Tendies joined and we all got to talk about our food/church trauma. Also someone recognized her as Franky Stein. I wanted to try Probability Labs which was very rocky. It was hard to find a functioning game for some reason and when we did, there was just some bad luck making the rounds kinda lame. We left to go chat since I think that was the vibe. We hopped to a Mars world where we followed a wholesome kid around. As usual some douchebags didn't know that you should treat kids online with care. They had explicit avatars and were antagonistic. We then went to a moon world where we really started talking. Then we went to a flower world and talked about heavier things. We both got to give our ted talks and it was a nice exchange.

In bed we smoked wordle and I progressed in KH2 a tiny bit.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 18 - 2024 Thursday

11:05pm

5.5/10

Overnight I woke up about 5 times, my pulled shoulder hurt a ton no matter what position I was in. I had some common melancholic dreams. This morning I woke up with the intention of staying in bed. But I knew that wouldn't help and I wasn't feeling THAT bad anymore, I had gotten it out of my system the night before. I skipped cleaning this morning. I took a loooong shower. For breakfast I made a jimmy dean sandwich and rice like yesterday. I didn't want to eat but I knew I had to and it's pretty easy to make.

I started work mostly on time. I warmed with deer sketches. Then I cranked out 2 hours of work on the Venus comic without distraction because mom was gonna take me to the store right after. I talked about wanting to cut down on swearing and was essentially told that was stupid which I stood my ground on because it is OPINION. I'd like to come off less as confrontational.

Mom took me to the store and told me about getting in contact with her long lost sister. At the store I got drinks and a huge bag of uncooked chicken strips and nuggets. The cashier my age asked if I had enough chicken and I told her I eat this every single night. I wasn't sure what more conversation to make, I want to think of something for next time. Something to actually talk about.

When I got back, I spent my lunch playing VRchat in the probability labs game. I joined a furry group instance that was annoying, then joined a much better one. Someone there caught my attention, this 25 year old babysitter who was actually speaking normally so I made conversation with her and her 2 friends, they were all nice. Before leaving I got the go ahead to friend request. For lunch I had made tuna spaghetti and a fruit cup.

I did my afternoon work in VC with TK, her boyfriend, and NJ. Pretty casual time, I got my work done after a little bit. Then I moved onto working on my Mr Bean world. TK was fascinated watching me work in Blender. Also she's only seen the 2nd Mr Bean so I insisted we have a movie night to watch the first. They had to leave about when I was done working.

I asked DS to play horse game tonight. I grinded a little while I waited. When she joined we did some horse catching and got to the next island. She also showed me some really funny clips of horse dressage. In bed we cleared puzzles, read 4 whole chapters of Monster High that were really good, and finished the Little Mermaid world in KH2. I started Agrabah and had a lot of trouble activating a really simple switch puzzle because I had to do it from a certain angle.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 17 - 2024 Wednesday

10:38pm

2.5/10

I dont want to talk about today. I did most of my work, and I felt terribly down on myself. I said things I wish I didn't. I felt lonely and worthless.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

Acceptance

I've been crying my eyes out in the shower for the past 30 minutes trying to accept all the pain I feel these days. As time goes on I keep realizing more and more how unhappy I am with everything. I keep having to adjust to changing times. I have on a really old rain ambience video I used to put on for comfort because it's reminding me of times I wish I had back. A time I felt like I had something to fall back on and something to look forward to. I don't feel any hope anymore. Im trying to accept how hopeless I feel, or how lonely I feel, or how worthless I think I am. These are all truths, I feel this way. I miss a time where I was just worried about my anxiety instead. I miss when I had someone at my back whenever I needed it. How do I accept the reality I have now? Its so miserable. I dont even know who I am anymore. What do I have to offer anyone? I feel so bland. I feel different, left out.

How can I accept how used to feeling sorrow I am? How my entire life feels like one big disappointing episode? I'm addicted at this point. I feel hopelessly obsessed with finding situations that hurt me. Until one day I'll go too far.

How do I accept how it feels like everyone always ends up trying to escape me?

How do I accept that I may never be loved?

How do I accept feeling like a negative in everyone's life? I feel it better if I weren't around anymore.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 16 - 2024 Tuesday

11:11pm

5/10

This morning I super cleaned my shower. I wiped it down with shower cleaner and then with pine sol. Feels good. For breakfast I made pasta shells and some doritos, I wasn't really hungry. I think I've been eating a lot lately and not exercising. I watched a lot of Moral Orel at DS's recommendation. TK ranted to me this morning about a jealousy problem her boyfriend was having.

On stream I warmed up with peacocks which was 57's suggestion. Then I finished TG's commission and sketched GZ's. Then I took an old sketch that was supposed to be me and converted it to a YCH since I wasn't feeling the personal attachment to it anymore. 57 seemed a little upset at that because I think he thought he had a good chance of the other character being him, even if paid for. We watched the Christmas episode of Ed today and I thought it was very good.

After work I watched more Moral Orel. Then I joined TK and friends while I made stew. They were playing PoE in call as usual. I also played Wild Horse Islands while I hung out there, just grinding the snowy island. I told DS I wouldn't proceed without her and she always says it's okay to keep going ahead but I don't want to. I never like continuing on alone unless I know someone is never going to play again. And sometimes at that point I just stop playing anyways. I like experiencing things together and will wait forever to do it.

Lunch was good, I made 2 servings of stew out of this single bag of stew vegetables I got which was convenient. I had to be a little late for work since it took so long to cook. I did today's request and I think I did a good job. Then I drew an emote for myself and started working on another pic of my otter of him in the hotel cuck chair. I had time to work on my avatar too, I made a little progress on a version with dog gear.

After work I had to start a fire at my parents house which was a little annoying. I finished season 1 of Moral Orel just today. I joined AE and friends while making dinner and playing my horse game. I accidentally bought bone in buffulo wings so I'm gonna try to freeze the bones to make stock out of later. I found a couple of really cool horses in the horse game. I also got my Minecraft set up to play on BR's friend's server. I found where I think I want to put my house and started building a shed.

I got off to enjoy myself before bed and do my dishes.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 15 - 2024 Monday

11:20pm

6/10

This morning I washed my clothes, wash cloths, and shower curtain. Well, throughout the day. I made a breakfast sandwich and rice for breakfast. I found an app for one of the ACT based books I read a little bit of and it's something I'm gonna look into utilizing.

For work I warmed up sketching tigers and then did TG's commission. It went well so far, it's unique at least.

I didn't have a workout planned today because my knee is hurt. Instead I got up to no good in a way I really needed. I wish I could spoiler text here so I could go into more detail, it's stuff I want to talk about but not like it's super casual.

For lunch I made a grilled cheese and lipton soup. I've learned that defrosting my bread before frying it makes it so much easier to crisp right. I hung out in BR's server while I ate and worked.

I did today's request, it was simple. Then I finished something for DS with my hour of friend art and continued a different piece of us. Then I started my Mr Bean world I've been wanting to do. I figure I'll use Monday's for my own worlds and Thursdays/Fridays for PZ's world thats gonna take awhile. Today was spent just collecting reference material.

After work I watched a little Twitch and small stuff like updating some Telegram stickers and my commission queue. When DS got on, we played this horse game on Roblox that was really fun. I actually lost track of time with how chill it was and so did she. She found a Fjord horse and named it after me which made me happy. I want to find a paint horse that looks like her so I can name her one.

We chatted a bit about the iffy situation with her friend before bedtime call. We smoked our puzzles and I did a little more KH2.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 14 - 2024 Sunday

10:54pm

5/10

This morning I forgot to take my shower and made breakfast instead. I made tuna spaghetti without garlic powder and used thyme instead, unsure about the choice. Also since I forgot to take my shower, the taste of mouthwash was fresher in my mouth than usual so I think that affected the flavor of breakfast too. After I ate I showered and really treated myself by breaking out some of my old equipment for once. After showering I made my coffee and watched this video about the Iraq war. DS called me on her way to a cherry blossom festival so I got to watch her drive down the pretty lush highway and got to see her pretty outfit. We just chatted about things good and bad and I had fun detailing things in Cities Skylines. When she arrived, I can't remember what I did. A lot of my day was trying to focus on something but I didn't succeed until the afternoon. For lunch I wanted to try this canned salmon I bought so I made some homemade flatbread to eat it with and a slice of pepperjack cheese. The flatbread came out better than ever. One of the 2 pieces I made was nice and soft like a soft taco shell. The other was brittle but not unchewable like in the past. It was a good lunch. Also had a yogurt. For most of the afternoon afterwards, I worked on remaking my vaporwave song, filming visuals for it, and finishing the whole video. I'm very proud of it, it's exactly what I had in mind when I started. DS called me in bed and I got to show her. We also did our puzzles, monster high, and KH2 as usual. Talked about some more stuff. After she fell asleep I started getting those late night thoughts you probably shouldn't listen to. I also toyed around with a couple of Kingdom Hearts songs in Audacity to sort of scout them out for use.

#diary #journal

[keefwho]

April 13 - 2024 Saturday

12:10am

6/10

This morning I woke up and did my dishes. I took a nice long shower and rested my hurt knee. For breakfast I fried a potato, a slice of spam, and 2 eggs. I had planned to do a lot today but after breakfast I was extremely tired. My body couldn't keep up after yesterday's hike and my brain was tired too. I mostly watched Twitch and worked on my vaporwave song on and off. Also did a little reading/planning for book club. I played a tiny bit of Cities Skylines. DS called me while she was driving to her brother's and we talked about her family situation and her unreliable friend. After she had to go, I started making stew for lunch. I joined AE and VN and watched them play Minecraft while I ate. That was nice. I left them to finish taking notes for book club. A few people showed up this time and the event went pretty okay. I thought the chapter was sort of lacking/boring but people always bring new perspectives to the table and something is always learned. After wrapping up, I stayed in VR and followed BD to a furry dance club. It wasn't really my scene but it was fun to watch. GD and DS joined me there before we switched to probability labs which we couldn't play due to DS's controller, then 1000 questions. After getting off, we did our puzzles and I played KH2 and faced the most frustrating boss in the game apparently. But I beat him.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 12 - 2024 Friday

11:44pm

5/10

This morning I took my garbage out and vacuumed. I made oatmeal with apples and some corned beef hash for breakfast. I joined BR and friend while I ate and I couldn't decide whether or not I should stream and she said to just stream in call so I did. It was super fun. I warmed up with orca sketches as per BR's request and then I finished 57's commission finally. Then I did the montly Venus commission. After work I performed some shenanigans and joined TK's server after lunch. For lunch I made chow mein noodles with my own mixed veggies. I finished the first part of this Millie picture I'm doing. I joined NK in Roblox while waiting for JR to get here for the hike. We played Arsenal. JR picked me up and it was a longer drive than I thought to the hike. It went well, he brought his daughter and she fell over which was sad. But he handled her extremely well, he's a fantastic father. She was fun to have with us but slowed us down a bit. We got a little lost trying to take a different way back to the car and it added to our trip length. We talked about tons of stuff. When I got back I showered and put dinner on, I was very hungry. I prepared for VR with DS but she was having a big conversation with her family and we couldn't VR tonight. We started calling but she had to go. I started working on my vaporwave song some and then joined BR and friends again. I watched her play Minecraft while we all chatted and I drank. Im still there while I'm writing this about to go to bed.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 11 - 2024 Thursday

12:13am

3/10

This morning I took my shower and asked my stepdad to take me to the store for drinks. I was hoping that girl around my age was working there so I could try to make conversation. Not for a weird reason, its just because I am not aware of anyone around my age in the area aside from JR. She was there but my attempts at chatting were thwarted by my dad who was showing her some video on his phone.

Before that all I had for breakfast was a can of beefaroni because I wasn't too hungry. For work I didn't want to stream too strongly but I did it anyways. I warmed up with dalmatian sketches and did 57's commission some more. I wanted to get it done today but I couldn't, I got close though. I definitely stayed focused and drew swiftly at least.

After work I joined TK in VRchat while they were on just briefly. We did some puzzle style world and chatted in a desert.

For lunch I made a salami sandwich and did a pretty good job again. I watched Twitch dreading work time.

For afternoon work I cranked out today's request which was kinda hard to come up with an idea for and worked 45 minutes on one of my idea requests. I joined AE and friends to watch him play Minecraft on the side. I left since I had plans with NK to watch the Bob Ross Documentary but somehow the plans were miscommunicated and he wasn't free. While waiting for him I hung out with TK and her boyfriend and talked about stuff with them.

Around the usual time, DS and I chilled while she sewed the ears to her fursuit and put on furry convention videos. I enjoyed watching them. I asked if we could talk when she was done which she agreed to. In bed we had our chat and I said a lot that I needed to say. It was very good as usual to get a fresh understanding about things so I can work through them more effectively.

When she fell asleep I joined BD in VRchat but she had to get off after a couple rounds of this Prompt or Die game. Then I hit up NK again to see if he wanted to watch Bob Ross late and he did so I grabbed my extra drink and dinner so we could watching. I'm up super late because it went a little over bedtime and then I had too much fun catching up with him.

#journal #diary

[keefwho]

April 10 - 2024 Wednesday

10:53pm

3/10

This morning I shaved my legs. I made more breakfast stir fry for breakfast because it's good. I planned not to stream today because I wasn't in the mood to be watched, especially with how much feedback I was going to get. I tried going to a public VRchat world while I worked but all I found was nazi furries so I got off. I joined BR and her friend in her server VC but she had to leave soon. I stayed with her friend but we hardly talked. I warmed up with alligator sketches today and did all my commission work. I have to finish that commission tomorrow for it to be worth it but I'm not sure I'll be able to.

For lunch I made stew out of the frozen stew veggies I got, it was good. Probably too much food though, breakfast was big because I was supposed to workout today but I took too long with work. In the afternoon, the request winner hadn't gotten back to me yet and the other thing I was supposed to work on was my own ideas. All the ones I have written down are NSFW and I wasn't in the mood for that so I just didn't do anything. I watched a Mario Kart stream and twitch gambled. TK hit me up and asked what I was doing, she said she was getting in VR soon. That sounded great for me so I hopped on and we checked out that Probability Labs world I haven't seen yet. It was just Lab Experiment from Roblox and it was pretty fun but we played in a public lobby where people were using flying avatars which defeat the purpose. Then I took everyone to a bathhouse world where we just talked. We talked about our siblings and religious fanatics. Also some about death. When TK got off, her friend was still there and she stayed talking to me for some time. We talked about what it takes for people to grow mainly. I got off to start dinner.

I asked DS if we'd have our usual hangout time but she was just gonna go to bed instead. I continued watching the Mario stream from earlier and booted up Cities Skylines. DS and I chatted a little bit.

~~~

Today was shit, I've mostly been angry about a lot of things. I don't like that I am, but I am. I'm angry at having to accept this shit reality we live in. I'm angry at my past self for being shit. Im angry at everyone who's ever done me wrong. Today was supposed to be about acceptance and I've been trying my best. I combined that with Costar which said "people want you around." I was trying to accept everyone's role in my life and how I really am wanted to some degree by all of them.

Before I started writing I was especially angry, or maybe moreso a fed-up style of motivated. I feel in touch with what I want and fuck anyone who's going to get in the way of that. I keep becoming aware of things that just aren't working which are things I have to change. When I'm down on myself, doing that can be hard. But in a mood like this, I'm better able to stay focused on what's actually good for me.

#journal #diary