lovely-anathema

[lovely-anathema]

i as an entity do not matter. there is no reason for me to.

[lovely-anathema]

my whole life i have been so sure of my identity as a person. i felt like i knew who i was. now i feel like it's all slipping away. who cares? it doesn't matter that i have a personality or what i like or don't like. it has no bearings on anything. woop de fucking doo. being a lesbian doesn't matter. my favourite animal doesn't matter. the music i love doesn't matter. my dreams don't matter. my obsessions don't matter. my skills don't matter. why would they.

[lovely-anathema]

who would i have been without the abuse.

#not id #no id #screenreader unsafe #not described

[lovely-anathema]

i don't need this

[lovely-anathema]

who even am i. i'm nothing but a rotting mass of traumatic experiences held together with confusion and doubt and pain.

[lovely-anathema]

i fucking hate myself

[lovely-anathema]

idiot psychiatrist: you can't have ocd because people with ocd don't cut themselves

meanwhile, me: i have to get a good number of good cuts and they have to be evenly spaced

[lovely-anathema]

i am obsessed with getting physically hurt because of childhood neglect. i want to get hurt as bad as possible because maybe then they'll finally care.

[lovely-anathema]

after three years i finally figured it out. i can't believe i didn't get it sooner, and it's so simple. just shows how much of a fucking idiot i am.

[lovely-anathema]

you know the jig is up when you think "nothing is making me feel better, maybe i should cut myself 🤷🏻‍♀️"

#tw sh #sh

[lovely-anathema]

parked car conversations are lowkey therapy sessions

[lovely-anathema]

I'm not resilient.

I just learnt that I need to keep my mask up at all times because people don't like seeing the real you when you're 'weird'/'too sensitive'/'over-dramatic'.

Sometimes it's easier to make people think that you're resilient rather than letting them see you when you're vulnerable.

[lovely-anathema]

i am so worthless. my life will never amount to anything. i don't care if people love me. i don't love them and it just doesn't matter to me. all of my skills are wasted on me. i would be an amazing model and an amazing singer and an amazing painter but i will never get to be any of those things because i'm just a stupid poor disabled nobody and i always will be. i wish i was someone who was happy to just be someone with loving parents and that that was enough. but i'm not. i want to actually fucking do things. i want to actually have experiences. i don't want to live tucked away in the middle of nowhere in oregon forever. but i will be. my life is such a fucking waste and i should've never even been born.

[lovely-anathema]

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will make me kill myself by fall out boy

[lovely-anathema]

Having Plushies is Normal, Don't Let Anyone Say it's Not

As someone who has lots of plushies in her bed, and plushies attached to her backbag, it should be normal to have plushie and still cuddle with them.

Even my other friend had lots of plushies in her bed while she was past the age of having plushies, and so did i. I still have plushies in my bed, even my old kitty plushie from back when i was young. It really comforted me and made me feel so not alone, especially during thunderstorms.

So, let me tell you this, Plushies work and they work fine. It should be really normal to have plushies past the age of childhood and well into your adulthood, i tell you this as a teenager with autism that it is fine.

Stuffed animals comfort you? Good, use them. They are so cute and won't harm anyone, despite what haters may tell you on the streets. They work for you and they can work for anyone else as well, don't let haters keep you.

[lovely-anathema]

my life was ruined because it began

#ptsd #childhood trauma #abandoment issues

[lovely-anathema]

i hate it