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#ptsd

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder;

Tonight seems like a good night for a discussion on a topic that I ,from personal experience, know a lot about.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder effect many people around the world. From sexual assualts, rape, molestation, natural disasters, domestic violence and the acts of war, are only a few of the leading causes of PTSD.

I know what you’re thinking, “this is an odd topic for a tumblr post”. I as many others might relate to the topic all to well. We all are suffering in one way or another having to face the paranoid nights and stomach churning days that grow closer and closer to the time we wished we were dead.

But…

Have you ever thought about giving marijuana a try? Yes, I know. Another stoner telling people to smoke weed. Although many will pass up the opportunity or often times be scared away due to the wrong strain causing the anxiety inside them to be suffocating until they are screaming on the bathroom floor.

It’s changed my life. As most teenagers I smoked marijuana in high school, most to deal with the traumatic events that happened in my day to day life. Being raped repeatedly by guys at school, abuse from them and abuse from an alcoholic father. I was looking for a way to numb myself back then.

Now, I’m battling the left over scars and chronic illness that has suffocated me since I can’t even remember when. I have now begun to suffer gastrointestinal issues that cause a lot of discomfort and at times dehydration from vomiting. I’ve been turned away by many doctors due to this pandemic, so I did the one thing I knew might help. I began to smoke weed again. I have been able to eat without throwing up after every meal, and I feel hungry instead of the never ending nausea, my anxiety comes in smaller waves and I can finally lay down at night falling asleep immediately.

I may not be the best person to talk to, I don’t always have the right words or often have the best nights myself but if anyone can relate to the rambling I’ve been doing. Please give marijuana a thought and do research before trying it. Different strains will help, Blue Dream has and always will be my go to strain. It helps me out the most.

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There are so many things I wish to say.

I wish I could express my wishes to my childhood “friends”. How I wished for them to love me as I loved them.

How I wished for my mother to not sexualize my body when she spoke avout my fashion.

How I wished mother wouldn’t criticize my interests, though she knew I finally fit in with a group of friends.

Oh? Were those friends not to your standards, mother?

Was my choice inadequate once again, mother?

Shall I run from friends again mother and reinvent my soul again for new friends? Shall I become a new person you’d approve of, mother?

Shall I go to college for you, mother?

You don’t approve of music?

I will be brave and betray you mother.

I will become a musician, mother.

Oh? You’ve slept with my sister’s 17 year old boyfriend, mother?

Oh — you raped him?

He asked? Doesn’t matter. Rape is rape.

You are the monster. Not me.

Thanks for telling me to kill myself.

Thanks for making myself into a shell of my former self.

Thanks to you, mother, I have no strength to continue.

Thank you for making me a pig. A monster. A fiend.

No one will love me now.

Are you happy?

All I feel is shame.

Thank you.

Cunt.

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I’m buying adderall at $5 a pill seriously so I don’t sleep & grind my teeth or have an appetite… Wtf fuck you insurance! I can get exams out th wazoo but oh, wisdom teeth? You’re 30… PREEXISTING. NOT COVERED. I have fucking medicaid. 😩 Did I mention, I’ve had the worst week(+Monday) …. So many packages coming in the mail for my grandmother (EVEN ON FUCKING SUNDAY)& …. I got pee splashed on my bare fucking face.. If my best friend wasn’t there I’d be even more screwed. So much body wash & crying 😭 if I didn’t have PTSD, I do now….. It has been a HUGE fear since 2017.

…this is why I would never be a CNA. I will only do this for VERY close family/friends, holy fuck. Not to mention her pee was extra stinky from mucinex so yeah, gonna take a few years to get that out of mind. I think I’m already blocking it. …until I get a whiff while emptying.. 🤢😔🤢


Someone honestly send me ramen or parm cheese 😹 I have a feeling some people get that shit completely. x.x

Cashapp: $modernepicdf

Paypal: huntergreenmom2006@gmail.com (my grandmother’s but she doesn’t have access so I keep it up & keep her from buying on it)


Idk if anyone understands my situations. I just end up with so little money & I can’t tell my grandmother how to spend her $. (It doesn’t work at all). I go without so often to make her meals, trying to find things that are meatless I can eat too. Rare I bother bc leftovers become lunch for my gma.


Pointers, maybe? I’ll literally take anything you have if you have experienced taking care of your grandparents, especially them basically your parents. With my grandfather gone she has no one telling her no. 😔

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Do you ever crave interaction, but like indirect interaction? Like I don’t have the energy or social skills right now hold an actual back-and-forth conversation but I still want to interact with someone because the boredom and isolation is making me feel like a caged animal. Like I need someone to talk to me but keep their expectations low.

Anyway send asks.

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stiffen up, little soldier, don’t cry. they can see that you’re upset, and they’ll use it against you. you’re hurt? no, you’re not. get up, that’s right. you are all you’ve got. the only person you can trust is yourself. no, don’t cry. you’ve done this before, haven’t you? exactly. you’re alive, aren’t you? that’s right, you have, and you are. they won’t take care of you and you know it.

- my internal monologue for most of my life

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hi anon!! yes, i have talked to them about all this. i have a therapist, which they got for me, but they still think they don’t have to do anything now that i have one. and that the greatest thing they ever did for said mental health is get me therapy. it’s good- i like my therapist, but there are definitely things my parents could be doing to help me that they are not.

it’s a complicated situation, because any time i bring up how i feel or what i’m experiencing, they either dismiss it outright, shift blame, or ignore it after pretending they’ve been listening. it’s unfortunate

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do you want to know how i feel? really? you don’t, you want to hear how you think i feel. but i’m going to tell you anyway, because i hope then you’ll finally see how awful you are.

i’m so sad i could cry. i oscillate between being so depressed i want to break every mirror i see myself in and total apathy and numbness. i hate you. i don’t trust you. any love i had for you you eroded and i don’t want a relationship with you at all. i don’t know how long i can keep playing the role of the loveable idiot in this house. i am about to have a breakdown. i usually almost have one every single day because of you and what you’ve done. you want to repair our relationship? good luck. you won’t be getting any help from me. i hope you’re proud of yourself.

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