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It’s 8:57pm

I haven’t written in two days. There is a reason for this. My head. For the past two weeks i’ve had terrible migraines, and it’s difficult to get any work done. 

I have a lot of school work to do, and I hate it. God, do I hate school. I love learning, I really do, but I can’t stand memorizing things that we don’t actually use. Don’t argue with me, you know I’m right. 

This isn’t what I wanted to talk about today. Moving on. I started watching another version of the series Sherlock Holmes, called Miss Sherlock. It’s a Japanese adaptation and I like it a lot. Mainly due to the fact that I think they show her autistic qualities well. 

Don’t come for my throat. I’m no expert and she hasn’t stated it out-loud. But you can see it. 

Seeing a character be so unapologetically herself in character has made me think hard about myself in public. And indoors. 

Masking is something I do constantly. It’s something that my ableist parents have drilled into me from day one. There are two sides to this coin however. 

Part of me is happy, because as annoying and unimportant as I think they are, manners and social skills are important. My parents have taught me most of the rules for socializing, and I blend in like you wouldn’t believe 

The other side is the side where I wonder just how much of it is worth it? Making small talk, shaking hands, and making eye contact are all little attributes to odd world of politeness, and yet I’m exhausted whenever I get a moment to myself. I ask myself constantly now that I believe I’m autistic, how much is worth it? 

I see characters like Sherlock who are so themselves. She doesn’t apologize for stimming or flinching at loud noises. She doesn’t force herself to stay in an uncomfortable situation or force herself to interact. Why should I? I get there’s a difference between TV and real life, but I’m sure you know what I mean. 

I’m excited to move out so I can be more myself, and hopefully start dressing the way I want to. My dad is weird about what he comments on and what he doesn’t, and clothes are one of his favorites subjects to drag me down on. 

Can you tell I can hardly stand with this headache? I can hardly write apparently. 

I’d love to dress in darker clothing. I hate bright colors. I also love pressure on my body, so heavy jackets and layered sweaters sound amazing. Dark academia essentially. 

I’m gonna stop before I pass out again. I have more to say on this topic, but first I have to get my vision straight. 

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Does anybody have experience using local estrogen like Yuvafem or even local progestin? My endo and ob want to have me take yuvafem for my atrophy but i cant bring myself to do it. I understand that its a micro dose that wont affect my t levels but its still estrogen, plus it causes breakthrough bleeding which i already deal with fairly often, and it causes more discharge. Because of my issues with yuvafem my ob offered a local progestin but wants to wait for me to get insurance after the first of the year. I cant find anything on progestin being used for atrophy, only fertility purposes. Does anyone have experience with it?

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I’m so so so nervous.

My mom is coming home and my binder has not arrived. What if she sees it in the mail and only sees a last name and goes “well, that’s someone’s last name so i’m gonna open it” and sees the binder

I’m so freaking scared because I don’t want her to know about it, she’s really adamant that I can’t transition and that has led to her screaming at me and even scratching me before but nobody seems to get that she scares the fuck out of me because of it. I literally fear my mother and have no way of asking for help without getting caught or making everything complicated

No, she isn’t gonna throw me out (hopefully) but if she finds out I’m actually transitioning she’s gonna make everything worse for me

It’s bad enough that I can’t support myself on my own

I’m just so terrified of her finding out

Why couldn’t my binder arrive earlier

I’m panicking and I have to do an online class. I don’t want to panic or else she’ll figure something’s up

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I wish I didn’t spend so much of my early transition in a disassociated high-everyday-because-I-couldn’t-stand-to-be-in-my-body haze….. I wish I didn’t care as much as I did about passing… I was terrified I wanted to blend in with cis/het men or disappear…

But I’m almost 3 years on T now, and ever since top surgery I haven’t been disassociated nearly as much as before… but I want to have fun and play with mixing masculine and feminine gender expression… I used to enjoy make up a lot and I’ve put on make up maybe 2 times the whole time I’ve been on T…. I just want to have fun and not panic about potential harassment uhgg… I wish the world was just better at accepting that clothes and makeup don’t need to be gendered 😞

I did put on matte black nail polish today so that’s a small win

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When you need to write a statement regarding your trans*sexuality for example for your health insurance when they demand one (for surgeries etc.), never write things like “I believe”, “I guess”, “I think”. 

Don’t give them room for interpretation!

I don’t think I will change my decision in the future.

I will not change my decision in the future.

Later (if you should need to) you can always argue that your decision changed, that’s human, but don’t say it in advance.

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