I kind of wonder what things I might have tried as hobbies as a kid and really liked if my parents hadn’t guilt tripped me every time they had to take me somewhere. What other things would I have tried and liked?
When mum insults you over bread that they bought yesterday which you ate in the morning and then calls you an idiot. The housegirl then says to yourself in the morning that “No wonder you keep getting into trouble with mummy. You bring it upon yourself.” She said that because I thought that the kettle was on and was boiling water for mum’s bath whereas I forgot to switch it on. Basically I am the villain of the house.
You ever feel like the dog a couple had cus the relationship was running dry?
Told to speak when spoken to. Have zones where you’re supposed to be and no where else. Yelled at for a disproportionate offense. They give you the most attention when you’re a puppy. They show you off and give you almost real loving attention when other people are around. Treated as a nuisance most of the rest of the time￼ even if I’m trying to tell them something serious. And they don’t want to do things I enjoy, even if they’re simple.
Weird. But sounds about right.
My Mum visiting the Psychiatric hospital in tears asking why I tired to commit suicide after years of psychology, physical abuse and neglect.
I have moments where I think, the only way I can escape this trauma of my past, is either by my parents dying or. I. Commit. Suicide.
Love how my mom’s ex-husband discouraged me from being a singer (something I love and am very good at) pretty much my entire life.
From causing me to change from saying “I want to be a rockstar” by telling me about the type of attitude rockstars have and asking itsy-bitsy-goody-two-shoes me if that was the kind of person I was.
To telling me that the girl in La La Land deserved to be having difficulty because “they call it a starving artist for a reason” despite watch the movie with me and knowing that I wanted to be a singer/actress at the time.
It’s probably even the reason why I don’t invest more time into my youtube channel, despite the fact that I’m singing 75% of the time.
loneliness is nice because you have all the time in the world to do what you want and get lost in your own little worlds, but then it’s not nice when you realize that people who suffer from loneliness are 50% more likely to die prematurely than those who don’t.
This is my relationship with mum in a nutshell
Nothing pisses me off more than mum sharing stories of others probably older than me or younger that learned computer programming and are being successful at it. Like bitch fuck you!! You bitches never supported me!! Why are you showing me this?! To guilt trip me!! Like God punish you!! Someone take me away before she fucking kills me!!
Normally, I’m optimistic and try to keep a positive mindset, especially during this pandemic. That includes the things I post on Facebook or any of my social media. However, I want to address a topic that some might be reluctant to speak on because it might be painful or cause conflicts. That would be toxicity or toxic relationships from a parent or parents.
With toxicity from a parent, they choose not to compromise, they fail to take responsibility for their behavior, actions, and words, and they often feel as if they don’t need to apologize for their actions because of their holier than thou attitude. In most instances, these parents either have a mental disorder, some trauma from their own childhood, or both. Unfortunately in my case, I’m having to deal with the toxicity of my own mother.
She has Bipolar disorder, but it seems that the medicine and therapy has been ineffective for years. She hasn’t changed and she seems to get steadily worse with age. For a mother to even imply that due to her giving birth to me and my siblings, she can talk, act, or treat us any type of way, without any thought of consequences because she birthed us. That’s an ill mentality to have and it’s disgusting. It just wouldn’t sit well on my conscience to bring that level of toxicity to my child’s life. However, our thought process differs greatly from one another. Maybe she feels some resentment towards me and my sisters because we’re in more ideal situations than her. None of us are at home living with a parent, without a job, or living off someone else’s dime. My stay at home mom status is at 24/7 full time job and anyone thinks differently, fight me. I don’t know, quite frankly. She had the nerve to say that she’ll pray for me and my sister because we don’t communicate with her toxic self and we choose not to attend her wedding. 🙄 Her wedding is the day before my daughters first birthday. There’s no way in hell I’m missing my girls first birthday for a wedding that she can potentially end to try and get some monetary gain out of.
Instead of attempting to offer prayers to me, why not pray for yourself and your own sanity? Then again, there’s no amount of prayer that would save her. Karma is playing with her ever so steadily.
This is one of the many reasons why I strive each and every day to be the best mother I can to my children, regardless of their age. I couldn’t imagine hurting them on the same level that I’ve been hurt because it sometimes take a devastating toll into one’s adulthood. One might either display the same behaviors as they was shown throughout her childhood, or they might do the opposite and strive to be better for the sake of themselves. I continue to live my life to the fullest and I do it knowing that my babies look up to me as their protector. I may favor her in appearance, but that will be the only thing. Nothing more, nothing less.
Put a finger down if you ever told your parents you didn’t feel alright and they just hit you with the “is it because you don’t wanna go to school?”
I hope someday there will be a brighter timeline, where I’m independent from them and can live how I want to. Until then, I’ll have to cope with my deprssion myself and reblog gifs.
tw // vent
i want to go to the place where i was until i was 6 years old and burn it to the ground . I dont want this place to exist anymore . Its full of fear and pain and it drains me out . i want to go into the apartment and burn it . just tear it apart . the apartment is probably empty bc we had to leace due to mold .but still .I wanna see it burn . Its cursed . .cursed by my parents abusing me .
Remember The Wounded Child? All these poems associated with her are basically her rapping. Yes our protagonist is a rapper and all these poems are excerpts of her freestyling. Hmm….another book idea that I have to note down. Anyways here is another poem.
They say family over everything,
They say family do not judge you,
That they forgive, forget and accept you,
They say blood thicker than water,
Bitch get ya ass outta the gutter.
The shit is straight up brainwash tactics,
So similar to the all time classics,
But a little more distorting,
The more time I spend here, the more I am suffocating,
I don’t feel safe with these bitches,
Clinging unto me like a bunch of leeches,
Feeding me shit to make me look crazy,
Yet lie to my face that I am lazy,
They tell the world what they want y’all to see,
Lord help anyone that ever disagrees,
Seriously being a rich man’s kid fucking sucks,
Not like I give two fucks,
Honour thy mother and father,
Yet mamma treats me like a fucking bother,
Simply because she wants to live a certain life,
Hence uses her kids to further her lies,
One minute they play nice,
But once you try to expose them they roll their dice,
They manipulate and call you a kid,
Go against their word; they fucking brand you a freak,
They say “Nah your memory is wrong.”,
Whilst dragging you down along,
It matters not for I know my truth,
Soon I shall leave this fucked up coop,
So a lil warning to ya mum,
What goes around comes around.
So what do ya think?
did you have a normal childhood or did you used to hide in your closet in the dark when you were a kid because it was your safe space whenever things got bad