#parentification

[mzminola]

The more I see the phrase “eldest daughter syndrome” the higher it raises my hackles. It’s just parentification. It’s parentification and if you call it parentification it’s a lot easier to explain, and it’s a lot easier for the younger siblings or only children and children of any gender to identify it happening to them too.

Like I get that oldest sibs are more likely to be treated as accessory parents of their youngers, and I get that in a lot of families girls are pushed into caregiver roles, but fucking hell man parentification can and does happen to any kid regardless of birth order and gender, and while situations vary from family to family, there isn’t really anything the parentified oldest daughters are experiencing that the other parentified kids aren’t.

#abuse #parentification #'but so many parents are stricter with the eldest and loosen up rules over time' #sometimes it goes the opposite way my dudes #sometimes parents are lax with the older kids and get stricter over time #at extremes it's basically swinging from neglect to overcompensation

[autistic-human]

“Dick is a mother hen” “no Jason is”

nah y’all tim is. He fucking parented and kept a suicidal Batman intact. All at the ripe age of 13-currently I think 17

#tim drake #dick grayson #batfam #dc #batman #jason todd #damian wayne #robin #red robin #parentified child #parentification

[pain-is-my-game]

Parents really do traumatize you and then force you to reparent yourself instead of being a capable human being who can contribute to society like a normal person. Sorry I can't get a well paying job right now I'm trying to learn coping mechanisms.

#i will never care if you reblog #vent #tw vent #cw vent #parentification #toxic parents #emotional trauma #trauma #childhood trauma #trauma coping #childhood emotional neglect #eldest daughter syndrome #eldest daughter #parentified child #childhood neglect #thoughts to throw into the void

[scoobydoodean]

You really just can't unsee it once you see it though, can you?

Sam starts blaming Dean for what he's going to do (work with Ruby) way back in 3.09 because Dean isn't going to be around to be Sam's mommy, which is going to force Sam's hand.

After Dean comes back, Sam actually blames Dean for him working with Ruby by saying Dean wasn't there to protect him (4.04).

Dean repeatedly begs Sam not to work with Ruby and is ignored repeatedly (3.03, 3.04, 3.09, 3.16, 4.01-4.04, 4.12-4.22).

After telling Dean to open up to him and trust him (4.08), Sam calls Dean weak and pathetic for being traumatized by hell and says Dean is holding him back and therefore deserves to be lied to because he can't be of use (4.14) Sam says it's not what he really thinks when they both know it is (and Sam repeats it to other characters in 4.16, and 4.18) and then he admits it's the truth again to Dean's face in 4.21.

Sam accuses Dean of not trusting him enough (4.21).

Bobby blows up at Dean for not supporting Sam enough and calls him a pansy after Sam strangled Dean near unconscious, and tells him family is supposed to make you miserable (4.22).

Dean tries to reach out to Sam and Zachariah and Cas actively prevent him from doing so (Cas only at first) (4.22)

Zachariah (5.01) and Cas (5.02) both tell Dean the apocalypse is his fault because Dean didn't reach Sam in time to stop him from killing Lilith.

Dean says Sam hurt him, Sam is the one Dean depended on the most and Sam hurt him in ways he can't even voice (5.01). Sam apologizes, but then in the very next episode, shoves Dean into a wall for not trusting him like Dean is crazy and irrational when Sam doesn't even trust himself (5.02).

Sam says he thinks they should go their separate ways and is shocked when Dean agrees easily. Dean says that he spends more time worrying about Sam than he does doing the job right and time apart would be good. Sam reiterates that he's sorry and Dean gently says he knows Sam is (5.02).

Cas asks Dean if he's okay even without his brother, and Dean says "Especially without my brother. I mean, I spent so much time worrying about the son of a bitch. I mean, I’ve had more fun with you in the past twenty-four hours than I’ve had with Sam in years, and you’re not that much fun. It’s funny, you know, I’ve been so chained to my family, but now that I’m alone, hell, I’m happy." (5.03)

Sam says he wants back in. Dean objects, on the basis that he thinks they're stronger apart. Dean says they're each other's weaknesses and it's being used against them (5.04, but the weakness line is repeated from 3.03 and 3.16).

Zachariah pushes Dean into a future 2014 where Dean never met up with Sam again, and as a result, Sam said "Yes" to Lucifer, and billions of people died. All because Dean didn't want to be around Sam after being hurt and never reconnected with him (5.04).

Dean reconnects with Sam (5.04) even though he clearly doesn't want to, because the first case we see them on again, Dean struggles to trust Sam and leaves to go drink alone because he doesn't want to be around Sam (5.05).

Sam says part of the reason he went off with Ruby was to get away from Dean, because Dean is smothering. Dean is the problem in the relationship, because Sam feels inferior compared to him. Dean apologizes for being too smothering (5.05).

What does all of this tell you? Dean can't win. Dean will always be the bad guy in the family. He loves too much, or he isn't loving enough. Sam needs him and Dean wasn't there for him and so Sam went down the wrong path, but also Dean is smothering and Dean being smothering is the reason Sam went down the wrong path. Sam is not a trustworthy person, but Dean doesn't trust him enough. Sam not being trustworthy is Dean's fault. Dean doesn't deserve trust, but Sam deserves Dean's trust no matter what and not giving Sam his trust is the worst possible thing in the entire world and also again makes him smothering. The apocalypse is Dean's fault. Every single thing Sam does every single mistake he might ever make in his life is always at least partly Dean's fault and Dean's responsibility.

#parentification #season 5 #season 4 #multiseason #projecting displaced aggression and scapegoating in spn #3.03 #3.16 #3.09 #4.04 #4.22 #5.01 #5.02 #5.03 #5.04 #5.05 #family chains

[tumblingxelian]

Yang & Ruby's Childhood

Oh how I wish, I wish that people would stop ignoring canon and pretending Yang & Ruby had functional adults who were good parents in their lives after Summer died. 

Because the fact of the matter is that they did not and canon has spelled this out again and again for the audience with increasing clarity every single time.

In Volume 2, Yang overtly states that Tai shut down following Summer’s to the point where his neglect became so pronounced a 5 and 3 year old who were grieving were left alone for hours and could disappear into a Grimm inhabited island looking for a different parental figure. 

Its re-established again in volume Five when Yang spells out to Weiss in no uncertain terms that after Summer disappeared, Yang, a five year old, was the one who needed to keep the family together and the trauma this inflicted on her alone is obvious. Let alone Ruby, because she was both being neglected and being raised by someone only two years her senior. Something Ruby fully acknowledges was the cast. 

There’s a multitude of other things I feel Tai has done wrong as both a teacher and a parent, but these one’s are undeniable, openly stated facets of the household. 

And Qrow doesn’t get an out by being the uncle either, oh no. 

Ruby makes it expressly clearly despite how much she loves and admires her Uncle she is very much used to him dropping back into her life shit faced drunk and being carted home by a stranger and needing to be taken care of. 

Again, by children! 

He has his reasons and his problems, but amazingly that doesn’t stop this from being a shitty way to grow up. No matter how much Tai & Qrow might love these two, they were not ‘great parents’, I wouldn’t even call them good. 

These two adults were negligent and damaging to the children under their care despite how much they may have loved them, and the fact that is ignored really burns me up inside. 

#RWBY #RWBY9 #Ruby Rose #Yang Xiao Long #Parentification #People clowning on this post will be blocked #I am not here to debate how much of a chad you think Tai is #Or how much of a sad meow meow you think Qrow is #They failed these kids and they had to raise themselves #Tai Yang Xiao Long & Qrow Branwen #This is canon

[furiousgoldfish]

How many of these 'rules for thee but not for me' have your abusive parents enforced on you?

I am allowed to criticize you, insult you, humiliate you and put you down in front of others. If you ever as much as imply I do anything wrong, or make me look bad in front of anyone, I will end you.

I am allowed to be aggressive, loud, intimidating, forceful and violent. You're not allowed to use force even in self defense, otherwise you are the abusive one, and how dare you.

I am allowed to need attention, comfort, appreciation, admiration, praise, reassurance, resources, time, energy, and everyone's support, at all times. If you ever need any of this, not only you are a burden but you're taking away attention that could have been mine and I need it more than you do. You do not deserve any of it.

I am allowed to make mistakes, to do harm with 'good intentions', to make human error and do things completely wrong. Everyone needs to give me a benefit of the doubt and forgive me immediately. If you ever make something I decide is a mistake, not only I will assume you had the worst intentions, but I will punish you severely for it and make you feel like you're the worst failure ever born.

I am allowed to control you completely. I can forbid and deny you anything, even food. I say what you do and when you do it, and you have to do it regardless of how rude I am asking it. If you ever even ask me to do something you need me to do, I will act like you are unreasonable, selfish and trying to take something away from me.

I am allowed to be emotional, whiny, complain, rant, threaten, wallow and cry. You are not allowed to show any emotions or you're spoiled, whiny, insufferable and unworthy of human society.

I am allowed to be seen as human and reasonable, all my actions excusable, and nobody is ever allowed to forget that I have emotions and that it's wrong to blame me for anything. You are not allowed any of this, you don't get to be taken seriously, and all of your actions are inexcusable. I can forget you're human and that you have emotions and it still makes me better than you.

I am allowed to hurt you if you do anything that irritates or annoys me even a little, even if you did it unknowingly and were just being a human. If you ever hurt me, even accidentally, you are a demon, worst child alive, and deserve to burn in hell forever.

I can take any revenge against you and it's justified. If you even consider any kind of revenge, you're evil.

I can forget that you exist and not care at all how my decisions affect you and your life. If you ever make a decision without considering my feelings first, you are the most selfish, disgusting, deprived and evil person who lives only to cause me harm.

My anger directed at you is righteous. Your anger directed at me is selfish, ungrateful, spoiled, deranged, out of control, disgusting, dangerous, makes you evil.

If I ever show contempt at you, you are supposed to still rationalize it as 'love'. If you ever as much as look at me wrong, I will take it as an expression of utter unreasonable hatred and disrespect.

I deserve respect, regardless of what I do to you. You don't deserve respect, and you never will, regardless of what you do for the rest of your life.

I am intelligent, and my every decision is superior to any of yours. You will never be intelligent, your every decision will be considered stupid until you do exactly as I tell you to.

I decide who you are and how are you to be treated. You don't get to decide, not for yourself, not for me. You will perceive me how I tell you to perceive me. I will perceive you as unlovable and awful no matter what you do, and you must perceive yourself this way too.

You must center me in your life. You are completely irrelevant to me and exist solely to make me look good, give me benefits of labour and love and to avoid making any trouble for me. If you try to do otherwise I will attack you as if you are the worst creature existing who is a burden to everyone alive.

Guests and relatives are here to give attention to me. You are not allowed attention and should instead be there as a servant/make me look good.

It is never my fault how I react to you, or even for what I do to you unprovoked. It is always your fault how you react to me, and you are further responsible for all of my actions and emotions as well. Nobody is responsible for your emotions, you might as well not have any.

I am not responsible for my own violence. You are responsible for my violence, and for violence of other people towards you.

I deserve everything I ever wanted from parenthood and raising a child, and only good parts too. If anyone tries to make me go through any unpleasant part, they're stupid or evil. You do not deserve even the basics of a normal childhood, instead you need to be the toughest kid alive if you want to survive.

I can be sensitive to every little hint, implication or face expression. You are not allowed to be sensitive even to the most crude and humiliating remarks or insults. You are not allowed to even have a problem with threats, blackmail or violence.

Whatever bothers me is a real and serious issue. Whatever bothers you is superficial, unimportant, made-up, you dramatizing and you seeking attention. Your problems are not real.

I cannot be compared to anyone for I am unique and special. You can be compared to the most despicable monsters, criminals, predators, and other groups of people that I consider disgusting.

If I am sick, it's a tragedy. If you are sick, stop pretending and get to work. And it's also your own fault and how dare you be sick only to force me to tolerate you being in bed and otherwise ignore you. You've done this on purpose to make me worry.

If I'm hurt, no measure is big enough to comfort me, bring justice back into the world, ensure revenge and correct whatever evil hurt me. If you're hurt, you deserved it, and you're probably just making it up anyway.

Taking care of me is your responsibility. Taking care of you is nobody's chore and you're selfish for wanting it.

My problem are your problems, and you are responsible for fixing them, even when you can't possibly do anything about them. Your problems are irrelevant and nobody cares.

You have to make me look good even at the price of truth, free will, and your own sanity. I can make you look bad in front of others for fun and amusement.

If you're inconvenient to me, I have every right to hate you, hurt you and do anything in the world to force you to change whatever is bothering me. If I'm inconvenient to you, adjust, and keep silent.

#rules for thee but not for me #abusive parents #toxic parents #child abuse #parentification #child neglect #hypocrisy #double standards #double bind #ending up in pain no matter what #because they rigged the entire basis of your upbringing #to always be against you #so you're always neglected and hurt and it's always your fault #and you can't even do anything #gross behaviour #narcissistic parents #narcissistic abuse

[traumasurvivors]

Your trauma is valid if it came from having to act like the adult in the family when you were a child.

#your trauma is valid #parentification #my post

[amoxicillin-tangent]

i am given birth to by my mother. i am brought home to a falling-apart trailer. i am fed and i am not fed enough. i am aged into a small being with opinions and some semblance of autonomy; my childhood is a video game and i am given three objectives: sit down, stay quiet, and cease to exist. i am made good at the last part; it is a god-like sort of art, and so i do. silence is suited for me as well as i am suited for silence. 

i am told, gently, by my third-grade teacher to stop writing in passive voice. the noun of the sentence should be the actor, the doer, the taker. i am not a taker. never the actor of my own consciousness, of my own unconsciousness, remember, now, i am ceasing to exist. 

i am uprooted like a wilting plant, no sunlight, chipped terracotta pot, placed, never planted. grow, says the sunlight seeping between the drawn shutters, and i deny its case. i am made a masochist at all of eight-years-old, i am made for withering away. i am made mother, made martyr, made clever, made more, made machine. 

i am placed in a foster home and told the new rules. i will sleep at 2130 and wake at 0600. i will eat blueberries and coconut yogurt and i will make good grades. i will behave. i will sit down, i will stay quiet, and i will cease to exist. 

i am told, gently, by my ninth-grade teacher to stop writing in passive voice. like this, you are the subject of the sentence. i am brought home; i am subjected to my sentence. i am taught, i am created, i am embittered, i am disillusioned, i am ceasing. it is all i know how to do.

blurring letters litter the pages before me. maya angelou, oh pray my wings are gonna fit me well. oh, tell the hell-child to return to her cell. mangled beast, worthless mongrel, ceasing. perfect child, perfect victim, passive. the sentences are diagrammed by my expert hand and i am diagrammed as well, pages in a folder, problem child, trouble-maker, mentally unstable. infinitive, preposition, page-break. 

my eleventh-grade teacher is asked why was it okay for maya angelou to write in passive voice? she responds, because to write in active voice would take the focus from the corpse to the crew. i like that. i understand it. the pages aren’t so blurry anymore. i trace them with my fingertips, letter-by-letter. her bones were found//round thirty years later//when they razed//her building to//put up a parking lot. 

i am no longer still, silent, ceasing. i am no longer wilting, and no longer made, i am maker. 

grow, says the sunlight seeping between the drawn shutters. i am neither the corpse nor the crew. i reach forward with trembling hands,

and i pull the cord, and the light floods through.

#poetry #poem #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled poem #parentification #original poems #poetic prose #poetry community #poets and writers #foster care #tw: death #tw: neglect #tw: emotional abuse #passive voice

[blu3b3rryj4mp1r3]

Friendly reminder that "I bought you nice things", "I gave you food and a roof over your head" and "I've never hit/physically hurt you" does not justify emotional abuse, neglect or parentification.

And if when being confronted they make you feel guilty and get defensive and passive aggressive saying some variant of "Oh well I must've been such a terrible parent!" and tell you how they bought you nice things for your birthdays and how your basic needs were met, that does not make your feelings and trauma invalid. You're not a bad person or ungrateful for feeling hurt.

#tw mentions of abuse #c ptsd #parental abuse #neglect #emotional neglect #parentification #tw parental abuse

[panicroomsammy]

Okay while I’m thinking about John and that one post that’s been going around about “‘John taught Dean that boys don’t cry’ is incorrect” here’s my two cents: John did teach Dean to emotionally behave the way he does. Not on purpose and not by example, but accidentally through parentification. Parents of parentified children can themselves be in tune with their emotions and can want their children to be emotionally open, but through the process of emotionally leaning on their children and relying on them to fulfill their emotional needs such children learn to repress their own emotions. I am currently reading John’s journal and lines like this

are glaring examples of parentification. John isn’t doing it on purpose though! He just needs someone to talk to and the only person to talk to his his eight year old son. He may even think that by talking to Dean about his feelings he is teaching Dean that that’s what people do, but talking to kids like this can do the opposite. Dean learns that he has to be there for his dad emotionally, and by default that means that his own emotions are put on the back burner. The way that Dean prioritizes John’s emotions over his own is exemplified here:

On the anniversary of his mother’s death six year old Dean saw that his father was upset and went to comfort him instead of the other way around. He’s being taught to ignore his own emotions not out of malice or gender roles but because his parent is depending on him so out of necessity he puts his feelings aside.

What this translates to as an adult is what we see in the show in Dean’s reluctance to talk about how he feels with Sam who is constantly trying to get Dean to talk to him. After hell Dean doesn’t want to tell Sam about it and burden him with knowing what Dean did. Where I’m at currently in season 10 Dean doesn’t want to acknowledge that the mark may still be affecting him because that’s his problem. Anything that Dean considers to be his own problem he refuses to talk about because he defaults to taking care of other people’s emotional needs first. He didn’t learn that sometimes other people’s emotional needs are taking care of his emotional needs the way that a non-parentified child would learn from a parent who fulfills their emotional needs by taking care of their child.

John isn’t evil. He isn’t some paragon of toxic masculinity. He was just a human man in a bad situation who made mistakes that influenced his children into adulthood.

#supernatural #dean winchester #john winchester #parentification #parentified dean winchester #I know a lot of people talk about dean and spousification also but I haven’t read psychology articles about that the way I have with #parentification so I feel less qualified to talk about it especially as I’ve experienced parentification myself but not spousification

[traumatizedjaguar]

"The guilt that people feel about what their parents may have gone through is a classic symptom of being an adult child of emotionally immature parents. They go over the boundary of what is their responsibility, worrying about the feelings and the needs and the life of other people because thats what emotionally immature parents teach their children to do. They teach their children to take care of them and to be worried about what other people need. The parent has not matured to the point where they can take care of themselves let alone a child. They're demanding that from their children, so its not surprising that the child would end up feeling guilty about any that distress the parent, and feel responsible for that because thats what their childhood would be set up to do."

Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD

#my text #actually traumatized #actually abused #actually cptsd #emotionally immature parents #tw parental abuse #cptsdhealing #cptsd recovery #that describes me and my parents to a T #I always feel guilty or worried about what my parents may have gone through #parentification

[powersandplanetaries]

Thinking about Kristen Applebees, fleeing a hostile home for people who fully accept her but still feeling guilty about not being there to "shield" her younger brothers...

Thinking about Penny Luckstone, with 18 siblings who are all definitely loved but she's still helping her parents run the house and struggling between duty to a family she loves fiercely and pursuing her own dreams...

Thinking about Aelwynn Abernant redirecting her parents' scorn for Adaine, again and again, not always kindly but eventually, finally standing up to her parents when it became clear what they were willing to do to her little sister. "But Father, Adaine's just a baby..."

Idk guys having some real normal thoughts about the role of eldest daughters in Fantasy High.

#All the other bad kids are only children and we didnt really talk much about kristen's brothers in the first two seasons #So the PARALLELS this season are. well. unparralleled #Im not going to speculate on family lives of the cast members because theyre actors playing a role and their personal histories are private #but wow #parentification #parental abuse #d20 fantasy high #fhjy spoilers #d20 fhjy #kristen applebees #penny luckstone #aelwyn abernant #adaine abernant

[pain-is-my-game]

One of the worst realizations that I have ever made is realizing that all I ever wanted was to be loved by my parents. I never would've turned out like this if they just loved me unconditionally.

#i will never care if you reblog #vent #tw vent #cw vent #eldest daughter syndrome #eldest daughter #parentified child #parentification #toxic mom #cw toxic relationship #toxic parents #toxic mothers #toxic mother #toxic family #toxic father #toxic relationship #childhood neglect #childhood trauma #childhood emotional neglect #emotional trauma #trauma coping #trauma #wanting to be loved #i wanna be loved #sad thoughts #eldest sibling syndrome #eldest sibling #eldest sister #toxic thoughts #thoughts to throw into the void

[lastsecondsquirrel]

I am so so tired of having the compassion for everyone else that they don't have for me

You're having a bad day? Let me pause my whole life so I can help you with that. Let me give you that book that is so so special to me knowing I won't be getting it back. Let me play along with your cruel jokes, tend to your wounds and carry you across the finish line

I'm having a bad day and I must apologize for feeling feelings in your direction I guess I should have tried harder but I'll see you next time you need something

#vent #rant #parentification #anxious avoidant #avoidant personality disorder #agoraphobia #personal vent #angry #emotional neglect #parentified child #compassion

[neptunes-saddest-alien]

Always sympathizing with your mother is so hard it’s like

I remember I used to love you, but I can’t remember why I ever did , I’m sorry you’re so lonely, please stop talking to me I can’t handle it anymore, you were supposed to be the most stable thing in my life, yet you’re the complete opposite, I want to feel safe with you, I want to run away from you, I want you to change, it’s too late to fix anything, I’m not good enough for you, but I’m not good enough for myself, i hate you for what you are, I’m sorry your life turned out this way , you’re the victim, you make it all worse, you tell me your problems, but I wish you didn’t, I wish we didn’t live together, you need me more than I need you , your life is a mess and it makes my bones sick and nauseous,I’m sorry your life is awful too, I hate the sound of your voice, but I always come when you call, I’m sorry I can’t help you, for the love of god why couldn’t you help me

#so alone it hurts #tired #deppressed #exhausted #numb #lonliness #mentally tired #i hate it here #word weaving #word webs #poetry #toxic mother #toxic mom #parentified child #parentification #alone

[furiousgoldfish]

Parents will go 'I did the best I could', 'I'm not perfect', 'You can't blame me, I've been through worse', 'I didn't mean it that way', 'You're too sensitive', 'I did it out of love' and 'Sometimes people make mistakes', and pretend like they're too dumb to understand that they hurt you, like they just didn't realize you were in extreme amounts of pain, neglected, feeling despised, condemned, irredeemable and suicidal, but for you there was never a moment of your life when you were allowed to 'simply not realize what you were doing.'

You have been punished every single time your intentions were right and you didn't notice you were annoying someone or testing someone's patience. You were held responsible not only for what you did but for how it affected everyone else, until you learned to be hyper vigilant of the effect of your every action, to the point where you'd get paralyzed because any action could end up in someone taking offense. You were never allowed to be dumb about your actions, you were not even allowed to learn! Even just not knowing everyone's reactions in advance could get you hurt.

You learned that they are allowed to be dumb, ignorant, walk over everyone else's feelings, demand attention, demand sympathy, consideration, leeway, compassion, understanding, and space to learn (even when they outright refused to learn), but you were not allowed any of these things. Even as they were the adults, they could play dumb and cause havoc, while you, a child, were responsible for being, in every situation, absolutely perfect, or condemned to hell for imperfection.

Why was this necessary? Why is the world still fighting for everyone to take it easy on the parents, but condemn the children? Do we need children to emotionally and psychologically serve their parent's needs, to the point where they grow up neglected and traumatized? Do parents have children in order to have easily broken and controlled servants? Someone they could burden with all of their emotional baggage and then demand compassion and love from? While neglecting that same child, and pretending the child doesn't need any attention or help growing up? Punishing them for showing pain?

We don't need that kind of world, and we don't need that kind of parents.

#abusive parents #child abuse #abuse excuses #double standards #parentification #using children for parental needs #denying children any needs #forcing children to be hypervigilant to survive #in the environment where everyone is looking for an excuse to hurt them #toxic parents #cruel parents