loverunsdeeper-blog

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I hurt almost to the point of being emotionally drained... and turning numb... I want to forgive. I know that my husband is sorry, and wants to be a better man. Am I strong enough to move from this? Probably not, but as a firm believer I will put my faith in God and hopefully my heart will heal under His almighty grace. Jesus will lessen my burden. I need to stay on the positive, healing path. Not for David, but for me. I deserve to have the burden off my shoulders. I deserve to be free from this pain.

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Lemonade Thoughts

What does it say about our society that the popular discussion about Lemonade is focused on Jay-Z’s infidelity, Beyonce’s anger and Becky’s identity, instead of Beyonce’s strength to forgive, to heal and to love again?

Love is stronger and more resilient than hate wishes it ever could be.

Love always wins.

That’s the real message of Lemonade.

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I still love you so much. But I cannot fathom how you broke me.How you swore I was your entire world,yet at the same time you destroyed mine.

Infidelity // Conee Berdera (via coneeberdera)

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being a liar isn’t fun

quite possibly, cheating is the worst possible thing a man

(-and a woman, to be sure, for women are like men)

can ever do to a partner. but we’ll focus on the men, since

statistics, at least, show that 70% of men cheat in a relationship. that’s

one, two, three four five six seven men, out of ten

who look at someone they love and think hm

that person i met at the bar looks nicer. seven men standing in a line

with their hands curled into beating fists over their heart

shoulders thrown back and heads held upright as they solemnly swear

i love my significant other. seven body bags zipped up tightly and bundled

into a black truck that drives off quietly into the night.

that’s seven women- or men, or anyone, really-

who stand at the door and watch out the window- waiting

for their men to come home with whiskey in their systems, a crooked smile

on their faces. intuition is a scary thing, when it digs a hole

in the crevice of your heart and makes a home out of your pain.

when you know, you know.

40% of women are cheaters. that’s one two three four women looking

at their significant other and going hm

someone else seems better.

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Fuck You for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn’t about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned. —David Levithan

(via honestdisaster)

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You can't take it back once you go too far, and trust is easily given but hard if not impossible to gain back.

Never trade honesty over something temporary and unworthy.

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#cheater #cheated #affair #marriagehelp #infidelity #heartache #love

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What the first month post affair discovery was like.

AS OF RIGHT NOW I HAVE DECIDED TO STAY AND TRY. However my feelings seem to change by the hour, so I really don’t know what will happen in the end. 

I cannot begin to tell you the amount of pain I have been feeling. If you are here reading this and thinking or dabbling in starting an affair either emotional, physical, or both... I ask you to stop. The amount of pain you will put on your spouse is worse than any pain they may ever feel, and once you have inflicted this pain, you cannot take it back. It has been a little over a month since I found out about my husbands infidelity. I have felt like I am no longer in control of my emotions or thoughts. My emotions go from optimism to on the ground crying my eyes out in front of seriously concerned neighbors. When every day is torture, you begin to create a false sense of happiness because you literally cannot take the pain anymore. I pretend the affair didn’t happen some days, and can have a few hours where life almost seems normal, then something comes on the tv, or in a song, or anything really... and I’m back on the floor sobbing. I have felt like such a failure as a mother because I have neglected the affection my son so desperately craves. All I can do is take care of his necessary needs, and turn on television so maybe he can ignore mother crying on the couch. If you are in the same position I am in, I ask you to try and be selective about who you confide in at this time. I have told my parents... not by choice... but my mom knew the moment I picked up the phone that Saturday morning that something wasn’t right and she has a way at picking the truth out of a person. I have told my least judgmental friend, who is going through a second divorce as we speak. Surprisingly, she is the first person who thinks I should stay in the marriage and work it at. In her words... “Guys like David don’t come often. He truly is sorry. He is a good guy who did a very bad thing.” Thanks Meagan, but at the moment I can’t exactly see David as a ‘good guy’. I made a stupid mistake and told my very dear, but very feminist, ‘girl power’ college best friend. Needless to say my conversation with her was more of the, “OMG. GET OUT OF THERE. I AM COMING TO GET YOU RIGHHHHHTTTT NOW. You can’t seriously be thinking of trying? Once a cheater always a cheater! You still look great. Lets get you a new Boo.” Seeing as I am trying to see if I can possibly forgive what seems unforgivable ... I don’t want someone who doesn’t support my decision to try and work something out having too much to say to me right now. I really am that fragile. As embarrassing as it sounds, I really do believe my opinions can be swayed like the wind at this moment. While I love my girlfriend to pieces, I know now is not the right time to catch up. Maybe in a few months. 

Husband has been trying his best to be a better man. I can tell he's putting an effort, which would be commendable, if every action he took didn’t look like ‘sucking up’ to me. Of course he would be trying now... after all... I know. Affairs are fun and exhilarating, I hear, but when you have the possibility of losing your wife and son, any man would be on damage control. Some days I welcome this new change and think we really can move past this, and then it seems like right after the good day comes a bad one when the sight of him makes me sick. I am ashamed to admit that even when I hate him, or have feelings of anger, hatred, resentment... I secretly wish I didn’t know about the affair. I wish he would scoop me up in his welcoming arms and make me feel beautiful again. Now he can't, however. Anytime he tries to tell me I’m beautiful, I say (or think at the very least)... “If I was so beautiful, then WHY would you lust after another woman? Telling her SHE was beautiful!” When he tells me he loves me it is even worse. I get so angry.... HUSBANDS WHO LOVE THEIR WIVES DONT HAVE 2 MONTH AFFAIRS WITH THE WIVES BEST FRIEND. I really don’t think that is a law set in stone, but seriously... in my obviously clueless little mind I cannot fathom how someone can love their spouse but sleep with another. Like how could he even get it up? That is a question I asked. He said he barely could... I replied with... “WELL YOU GOT IT UP ENOUGH TO HAVE A DAMN PREGNANCY SCARE!” Yes... I thought it was odd my husband of nearly 4 years brings home a box of condoms. We aren’t trying to have kids, but we have been pretty good at the whole “pull out” method. How hurt do you think I was when I found out he WASNT using a condom with his mistress, but with his wife? He says it was guilt, but I secretly wonder if it was so I would have no chance (or slim if the condom breaks) of me getting pregnant... so he could choose between the two without a pregnant wife... HOWEVER... he even went so far as finishing inside of his affair partner... She could have gotten pregnant! Thank goodness she couldn’t, but how can someone be so irresponsible... and think nothing of his wife or child and how an illegitimate child would affect them? 

Needless to say, every time I think I take two steps forward, I take 10 back. I look at my son, and see how much his father means to him, and I don’t want to break up his family... but how can I stay with a man who did this to me? I also feel ashamed. Our society puts a lot of shame on the betrayed wives who stay in the marriage. I have read and heard over and over that the only respectable thing to do is leave. My own loving mother, who is pushy but also a firm believer in letting her children make their own choices, told me that she's sorry I have such low self esteem. Ouch. That hurt... a lot. 

Believe it or not, I think staying and leaving are both nearly equally as hard. If you leave, you are closing all hope of a future with that person. You are forever declaring that holidays with the children will be split, and that someone who once meant everything to you, was now the “ex.” You are going to have to watch the man or woman you once married eventually move on and date or marry others... perhaps even have children with them. I have learned from my mother, who has been married twice and her second husband happens to be my dad.. that you never really get over your ex. My mother will never admit it, but when they are in the same room she is physically ill and wants nothing more to either run or get his attention. That seems very sad to me. 

If you stay... Well, you are just about the weakest woman who ever lived, or so society says. However staying is, in my opinion, equally as challenging and maybe even more so. In both staying and leaving, you have to deal with pain and heal your wounds. With leaving, you are far away from the triggers and can start a new relationship where cheating has not taken place. Lets not kid ourselves, however, because we could always be cheated on by the next man or woman. Just because you leave your cheating spouse, doesn’t mean you will find a faithful man or woman. Like I said in a previous post, if I had a million dollars and was asked if David would have ever cheat, I would have betted it all and lost. Staying means you don’t get away from the eyesore of a spouse, and are forced to try and deal with them day in and day out even when you feel like screaming at the sight of him/her. David sometimes brings joy when he comes home after a long day, but then later I am ashamed at feeling it. Why do I even care that he is home? The man that made me a broken woman. I AM ASHAMED AT ADMITTING HOW BROKEN I TRULY AM. Women are supposed to be strong. We are mothers after all. Mom can’t fall apart, she is required to keep everyone else afloat. I am trying my best to move on and forgive, but today, as it changes everyday on how I feel... I feel the future is bleak. I don’t know if I can let go of the pain, and move on with him. I feel as if I am healing with him because I can heal in my home... my safe space, but really healing so I can leave him. 

I can’t write anymore today. I’m too upset right now. 

For any of you feeling the same. I am seriously sorry. God bless you. 

#cheater cheating betrayal marriage relationship affair infidelity heartbreak postaffair forgiveness lettinggo

[loverunsdeeper-blog]

In my drunkest moment I wouldn’t have even considered holding another mans hand

@ jaybee858 (via jaybee858)

Exactly!

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The Day I found out.

It was Saturday. Very early Saturday. My lovely husband had been so kind the night before, he had even stopped downstairs to help the widow (we live in an apartment complex) change the battery in her fire detector. Pesky thing kept going off all night. She didn’t have the right battery, so off to the local walmart he went, 11pm at night.. How lucky I was to have such a man... The always loyal, always kind, always considerate, and always devilishly handsome husband of mine. Thats what I believed, at least. My husband, David. David was the only man I have ever been with who I trusted with everything. I just KNEW he was loyal to the bone... would never cheat on me, and forsake our wedding vows. After all, David was a devout Christian. Thats why the phone call at 7:23 am turned my world upside down.. 

It was David’s work buddy. Brandon. 

First thing that went through my mind that early in the day was that David must have been in a terrible accident... or his kidney (which had been on the brink of failure) had failed suddenly... or... anything but what I was about to hear on the other line. 

I will never forget what he said. “I have some unfortunate news... David has been sleeping with Krystal. At work... and even at your home. It has been going on 2 months.”

My heart stopped. 

Not only was he sleeping with a woman... the person he was sleeping with was the one I had confided everything about our relationship to. Krystal. My best friend....

It was only later that I would find out that the last time Krystal had been to my house to hang out, she had slept with David at work earlier in the day. Then drove straight to my house to hang out. We hung out all day... from 2 pm to nearly 2 am in the morning. I was so stupid. I ended up going to bed at 12:30 but Krystal stayed... I thought that was odd, but they were watching a movie so I figured she just stayed to finish it... not that she stayed to be close to her bf... and my husband. 

That time I stayed the night at my moms house? Yep. David got off work early that Tuesday, and Krystal followed... knowing I was at my moms. He slept with her right on my favorite sofa... on top of the blanket my mother gave me that I cuddled up with every time I cracked open my kindle and rested for a few precious moments. Right where I sat and held our 3 year old son when he was sick at night, and I didn’t want to disturb his father who worked so much. Right where I drank my coffee and watched news every morning.. my home. My safe place... He even defiled that. 

Part of me wants to blame everything on the OTHER WOMAN. How could she? She was my friend. How could another woman hurt me so bad knowing that I was married with a child. We had been friends for years... or was she ever my friend? David had met her first... after all, they were coworkers. She had been very consistent in her facade if she was pretending to be my friend... after all, we have been friends for nearly 2 1/2 years. The last two months? You mean, when I had finally accepted that I was now in my mid-20′s. That I was no longer a young woman, but a full-fledged adult woman. I turned 25. I was a little bothered by getting older, but lets face it... I had a beautiful son, a wonderful husband, we lived in a gorgeous apartment and were ready to get a house in a year or two... I mean, the future was limitless. I was content on growing old with David, and having more children. Our future was so sure... so real... and then everything came tumbling down. No longer could I see the future. No longer could I predict even what tomorrow would bring. My life was turned upside down... and nothing will ever be the same. 

#adultery cheating cheatinghusband cheater affair husbandaffair myhusbandhadanaffair relationship mystory betrayed betrayedwife