markourshapes

[markourshapes]

Today I got a quote for my top surgery, and tomorrow I present a research poster at the Cannabis Science Conference. Life is weird and wild right now.

[markourshapes]

I think social media has been contributing a lot to my anxiety because I get trapped in thought spirals about whether every little reaction i have is problematic, and I have a lot of weird unpredictable reactions thanks to trauma. I’m gonna try spending less time on Tumblr.

See y’all around

#if we’re friends you probably already know how to get in touch with me

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how do you respond when someone says something that you think is probably wrong/problematic, but you can’t actually figure out why you feel that way?

#sometimes i just see shit where i'm like 'i can't verbalize what's wrong with this #but it bothers me'

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my cat is quite large and only fits on my lap at a few angles, and so frequently our cuddle time devolves into him rearranging himself and dragging himself back onto my lap, and me trying not to yell as he digs his claws into my thighs

#such is the burden of love.

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wish i had a guardian angel who came and beat me up every time i tried to check my work email from home

#there's never even a reason for it i just never learned to set boundaries btwn work and home life #Thanks Mom

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i just learned that portland’s police chief is literally named outlaw? what in the actual hell

#get me outta here

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i’m getting to the age where people i knew in high school are starting to get married and like, what the hell

#it really makes me worried about the passage of time #how am i ever gonna get married and have kids if i'm single at 23? #lmao

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the greeks at the gates of troy

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It’s INSANE to me how controversial romance novels are. Romance novels. Like, being openly a fan of them immediately opens you up to people constantly coming at you like “but don’t you think it’s ~limiting- and ~juvenile~ to have a genre of books with happy endings for women?”

Like.

No?

Why is it such a big deal to want to read stories where women have sex and then don’t die at the end? Jesus Christ.

Why is the concept of female characters being happy seen as less creative than female characters suffering? (Trust me, creating a world where women win in the end takes a lot more creativity and artistic vision lmfao)

Anyway, literary bros will pry my romance novels with their happy endings from my cold dead fingers.

#I realized my hatred of romance was a mixture of internalized misogyny and disillusionment with heterosexuality #and now i’m happily writing dumb gay fantasy romance

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abab

assigned born at birth

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i don’t know if i have new neighbors (it’s a big complex so ppl move in and out all the time) or if it’s just been hot enough that they have their windows open, but the last couple nights i’ve been hearing raised voices a lot and it’s Stressing Me Out

#i can't tell if it's angry raised or happy raised #but whenever i hear a raised voice i can't tune it out until i'm sure it's people having fun #also they just started listening to music? #it's 9:45 why are you starting. now

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this is gonna sound silly maybe, but as a trans guy i’ve actually struggled to come to terms with my attraction to women. because growing up, i assumed i was straight sort of as a default, and only figured out i was into girls like a year, year and a half before i came out as trans. and by that time i had learned to think of male attraction to women as predatory and gross (which may have been helped along by lesbophobic stereotypes i had internalized when i thought i was a girl). i still like... struggle to be ok with the fact that i find women’s bodies appealing. i feel bad every time i glance at a woman walking down the street and find something about her attractive.

and i feel like this is a dumb thing to be struggling with, as a guy. but i genuinely don’t know how to be attracted to women without feeling like i have to keep myself on a tight leash because i must be dangerous. i can’t imagine ever making the first move with a woman i was attracted to. 

being into men feels almost easier because i don’t have to be as afraid of myself.

#i wonder how much my gender identity and sexuality would be different if i hadn't been exposed to so many people who hate men #directly before and during coming out #i want to be clear that i'm not trying to discredit the things people hate about men #or say not all men #just that like #i feel like hating men indiscriminately can be harmful to trans men because it villainizes their gender #i imagine it's also harmful to many men of color but i'm not one of them so i can't say for sure #i just don't know how to come to a balance between 'patriarchy has done a lot of damage to women' #and 'trans men and men of color are not inherently violent and toxic'

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wish there were any Iconic Gay musicians in the genres of music i actively enjoy listening to

#i guess i don't even really know what genres i like so that doesn't help #i just like specific bands #but i don't like most pop or pop-adjacent stuff and indie is extraordinarily hit or miss #and i'm not a huge fan of much electronic stuff though there are some exceptions #so while their are musicians whose work i can appreciate i don't actually super love listening to it and i wouldn't put it on myself #i wish i was less out of the loop in literally any aspect of gay culture but i guess this is the way it is #the only part of gay culture i have on lock is an all-encompassing sense of alienation

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relatedly i stand by sushi burritos. are they authentic sushi? no. are they excessive? yes. but they satisfy a deep desire to cram as much raw fish into my mouth as i can, and as an american i deeply appreciate that.l

honestly, “let’s wrap this food in some kind of starch so that it can be efficiently stuffed into a hungry person’s mouth” is an excellent genre of food and i highly admire that kind of thinking

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honestly, “let’s wrap this food in some kind of starch so that it can be efficiently stuffed into a hungry person’s mouth” is an excellent genre of food and i highly admire that kind of thinking

#tacos? very good #any kind of dumpling? also very good #sandwiches? usually good #Sushi rolls? hell yeah

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Memento mori, have a nice day