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miseria7declinio · 4 years

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Deixe-se envolver

Quando eu era jovem,

achei que essas coisas

eram bobas,

sem sofisticação.

Eu tinha rixas,

uma mente doida,

uma educação precária.

Eu era duro como granito.

Eu encarei o sol.

Não confiei em nenhum homem e,

sobretudo, em nenhuma mulher.

Eu vivia um inferno

em quartos pequenos.

Eu quebrei coisas,

esmaguei coisas,

andei por vidro, xinguei.

Eu desafiei tudo,

era continuamente despejado,

preso,

brigava,

dentro e fora da minha mente.

Mulheres eram algo para transar

e reclamar sobre.

Não tinha amigos homens.

Troquei de empregos

e de cidades,

odiei feriados,

bebês, história,

jornais, museus, avós,

casamentos, filmes,

aranhas, lixeiros,

sotaques britânicos, Espanha,

França, Itália,

noz inglesa e a cor laranja.

Álgebra me enfurece,

ópera me enoja,

Charles Chaplin foi uma farsa

e flores eram para mariquinhas.

Paz e felicidade eram sinal

de inferioridade para mim,

inquilinas dos fracos

e mentes confusas.

Mas, ao continuar

com minhas lutas de beco,

meus anos suicidas,

minha passagem

por inúmeras mulheres,

gradualmente me ocorreu

que eu não era diferente

dos outros, eu era o mesmo.

Eles eram todos fulminantes

com ódio,

encobertos

com queixas fúteis.

Os homens contra quem lutei

tinham coração de pedra.

Todos estavam cutucando,

avançando,

trapaceando por alguma

vantagem insignificante.

A mentira era a arma

e o enredo era vazio.

A escuridão era a ditadora.

Cautelosamente, eu me permiti

me sentir bem algumas vezes.

Encontrei momentos de paz

em quartos baratos

apenas encarando o puxador

de alguma cômoda

ou escutando a chuva

no escuro.

Quanto menos eu precisasse,

melhor eu me sentia.

Talvez a outra vida tenha

me desgastado.

Eu não via mais charme

em interromper alguém

em uma conversa

ou em montar no corpo

de alguma pobre menina bêbada

cuja vida deslizou

até a tristeza.

Eu não podia aceitar a vida

como era.

Eu nunca poderia engolir

todos os seus venenos.

Mas havia partes,

partes tênues e mágicas,

abertas para perguntas.

Eu reformulei.

Não sei quando.

Data, hora, tudo isso.

Mas a mudança ocorreu.

Algo em mim relaxou,

amansou.

Não precisava mais provar

que eu era um homem.

Não precisava provar nada.

Comecei a ver coisas.

Copos de café alinhados atrás

de um balcão em um café.

Ou um cachorro caminhando

pela calçada.

Ou o jeito que o rato

na minha cômoda parou lá,

realmente parou lá,

com seu corpo,

suas orelhas, seu nariz.

Estava fixo,

um pouco de vida dentro de si,

e os olhos dele olharam

para mim. E eles eram lindos.

E, então, se foi.

Comecei a me sentir bem.

Comecei a me sentir bem

nas piores situações,

e havia várias delas.

Como, digamos,

o chefe atrás da mesa.

Ele terá que me demitir.

Faltei dias demais.

Ele está vestido em um terno,

gravata, óculos.

Ele diz:

"Terei que te mandar embora".

"Está tudo bem",

eu digo a ele.

Ele precisa fazer isso.

Ele tem uma esposa,

uma casa, filhos,

despesas,

provavelmente uma namorada.

Tenho pena dele.

Ele foi pego.

Eu saio no sol escaldante.

O dia todo é meu,

temporariamente,

mas mesmo assim.

O mundo todo está

na garganta do mundo.

Todos se sentem irritados,

enganados, traídos.

Todos estão desanimados,

desiludidos.

Recebi tiros de paz,

fragmentos de felicidade.

Eu abracei essas coisas

como o que estava na moda,

como saltos altos, seios,

cantorias, as obras.

Não me entenda mal,

existe um tipo de otimismo cego

que ignora problemas básicos

só pelo próprio bem.

É um escudo e uma doença.

A faca chega

até minha garganta de novo.

Eu quase liguei o gás.

De novo.

Mas, quando tive momentos bons

novamente,

não lutei contra eles

como um adversário.

Deixei eles me levarem.

Eu deleitei-me neles.

Dei boas-vindas a eles.

Até me olhei no espelho uma vez

pensando que era feio.

E eu gostava do que via.

Quase bonito.

Sim, um pouco rasgado

e esfarrapado.

Cicatrizes, protuberâncias,

curvas estranhas.

Mas, ao todo, nada ruim.

Quase bonito.

Melhor que certos rostos

de estrelas de filme

com bochechas

iguais a bundas de bebê.

E, finalmente, eu descobri

sentimentos reais, inesperados.

Como ultimamente,

como nesta manhã,

quando estava saindo,

eu vi minha mulher na cama,

apenas o contorno

de sua cabeça lá,

cobertas puxadas,

só o contorno da cabeça dela lá.

Não esquecendo os séculos

de vivos e mortos

e a morte, as pirâmides,

Mozart morto, mas a música dele

ainda lá no quarto,

ervas daninhas crescendo,

a Terra girando,

o painel de resultados

esperando por mim.

Vi o contorno da cabeça dela,

ela está tão parada.

Eu desejei pela vida dela

só de vê-la nas cobertas.

Eu a beijei na testa,

desci a escada, saí de casa,

entrei

no meu carro maravilhoso,

coloquei o cinto,

empurrei o banco.

Sentindo-me quente

até os dedos do pé,

apertei meu pé

no pedal do acelerador,

entrando no mundo,

mais uma vez.

Desci a colina,

passando as casas

cheias e vazias de pessoas.

Vi o carteiro, buzinei.

Ele acenou de volta

para mim."

Betting on the Muse

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miseria7declinio · 4 years

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Given manga

...Hm... It was a sad tale indeed. I guess ugetsu doesn't have a choice. I feel so bad for this guy.

That fear in his eyes is real.

"Why am I alive?" -uenoyama

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miseria7declinio · 4 years

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Ugetsu Murata and Akihiko Kaji (Part 2)

We are we? Ahhh. Violin.

Experienced. He said that inexperienced player has a higher chance to break the string than experienced player. If a new player tried to set up the strings themselves, they could easily break it from turning the peg to far

They first meeting happened when they still a high schooler. And they are still young and wild. Things as love is I must said is heavy for them. (for us)

"A genius had arrived--securing consecutive wins, as if to tear apart and destroy the dreams of this talented junior. The name of that boy was Murata Ugetsu."

Ugetsu is a type of a person who can win without making much effort. His talent as easy as breathing to him and Akihiko knows that. And Ugetsu first impressions of Akihiko was "delicate looking person." and he wasn't wrong on that.

Akihiko was Ugetsu first in everything. His first friend. His first love. His first feeling. And even his first sexual relationship. And tha time Akihiko had give up on playing violin because he felt overwhelmed by Ugetsu talent.

"Murata Ugetsu was by no means detached from life--nor was he free of worries and grief. He had feeling too--the same as anyone else. But, unlike ordinary people, his heart and his emotions were overwhelming."

Ugetsu by any means wasn't just gifted (I wouldn't called it a gift. I will called it a curse.) rephrasing my words, Ugetsu by any means wasn't just curse by talent. He was also curse with emotions. He feeling too much and shows too little. It was like he cannot shows the world how he felt but Akihiko, he can read Ugetsu like an open book. Like I said before. Ugetsu is designed to be broken.

"Be it joy, or sorrow, or suffering. Ugetsu lived with feelings which much more complex, and exponentially larger than those of ordinary people--just accumulating it all within himself."

I take it Ugetsu is like, I tried to put it into number. While other felt like sad at rate of 1-5 maybe Ugetsu felt it 10x more than normal. Everything about Ugetsu is overwhelming. His talent, his emotions.

"And I felt both--incredible envy, and immense pity. The hands that hesitated behind my back when I sensed them touch my skin through the cloths, I felt a tension akin to being pierced by needles."

Akihiko. He actually pity Ugetsu. He saw the darkness, the loneliness, the sadness was overflowing from Ugetsu yet no one but him can saw it, can felt it. Akihiko was drawn to a broken pieces. He wanted to collect it and fix it. Gathering it together, making it whole. Akihiko fall into the unintentional trap set by the violin, the fate and themselves.

They actually completed each other but with a person like Ugetsu. It impossible. I know someone like him. They are the hardest person to approach. To understand. Complex. Love only come second to them. It like an option to them. They don't mind having it but they not interested in catching it. And when they not in a mood having they wouldn't think second of holding into it. And that what Ugetsu is currently doing. His love for violin overshadowed his love for Akihiko.

"with those needles, I desired to open up and rob this body, rid it of everything, and defile his music."

Either one who talked this Akihiko or Ugetsu its just now doesn't matter. Even if this was spoke by Ugetsu, still he had a same intentional as Akihiko. He wanted to own Akihiko but on a same time he wanted to cast him away. (is that the words?) but at the end the only things that matter to Ugetsu is only his violin.

And Akihiko? Maybe he thought he can own Ugetsu. Control Ugetsu. Making Ugetsu his. Or marking Ugetsu. How wrong he was. Ugetsu is already being curse with the violin. Violin is his life. Violin is the beating of his heart. Forcefully taking the violin away or makes him to give up on violin is the same as the act of killing Ugetsu. Destroying Ugetsu.

"Still, first love was really fun."

Ugetsu wasn't that heartless or emotionless. He treasure every day, every moment and every piece of Akihiko. He treasure their first love. He was happy with Akihiko. His whole world for the first time is complete. His life is for once resolved around other than his violin, his talent.

"After we graduated from high school--at that time, when I was actively performing as a musician. One day all of the sudden, I realised, the existence of the other--was the one thing we both chased after the most in this world. As long as Akihiko is with me, I'll be unable to become free with my music. And for Akihiko, my existence fundamentally meant suffering. "

When the curse slowly lift it only comes 10x stronger than before. When Ugetsu is almost free from the curse of violin, it only strengthen 10x stronger than before where it can never be lift this time. It can never be cure. And Ugetsu. He understands his position in Akihiko life. His roles. And he didn't want Akihiko to hold onto him. The broken him. He set Akihiko free. Akihiko was after all his short joy and happiness.

Ugetsu freedom is to be caged in the curse of violin. There is no way to pull him out. It impossible.

"Just a little bit is enough. Since it doesn't really show on my face."

Ugetsu cannot shows his emotions like a normal person. Just like Mafuyu. He was so bad at it. He can smile. He can laugh. He can be angry. It might be because he saw how people shows their emotions. He implanted it in his head. He makes himself to shows an emotions, faked but it better than showing nothing at all. With his position as a famous violinist, it needed. He observed things and caught it almost in instant. That was his another curse. He can understand things around him faster than normal but he cannot understand his own self. He cannot see himself is slowly breaking apart.

"I'm the lowest son of a bitch towards Akihiko and I guess he resents me. But I love him to death."

Ugetsu is setting Akihiko free. He didn't want to drag Akihiko into his twist world. Because he loved Akihiko too much to let Akihiko breaking apart just like him. He didn't want Akihiko to taste the poison he been drinking for over his lifetime. Because of his love for Akihiko. He set him free. Because of his love for Akihiko, he rather suffering alone.

"I've been pushing him away but he hasn't give up on me at all. I've been trying to leave him every chance I get. But, it seems like I'm still not good doing that so, I've always been waiting fir him to let go of me."

Ugetsu told Mafuyu that Akihiko is obvious of his action. Akihiko saw his doing but he never once giving up on Ugetsu. Akihiko is trying to hold onto the string of their fragile relationship which can snapped at any given moment. And Ugetsu, he wasn't as strong as what people might thought as him being a genius might overshadowed his real self. Him being a genius, everyone considered him the strongest. Unbreakable. And he couldn't set Akihiko free because Akihiko is his sanity. It leaves him with no choice to let Akihiko letting him go. Letting Akihiko to set him free.

While violin is his heart, his sanity lies to Akihiko

Akihiko is his anchor being sane. His anchor to makes him human. His anchor to be a human. His sanity, he had give it to Akihiko.

"Around the time we had just started to live together, when he brought me my first present, somehow I hated that very much, and I refused to it by saying--'I don't want it!!'. Even though it was only a mug. Back then, I should've just said--'I'm happy". I want to be with him. I want to be with him. I want to be with him. But, I'm in LOVE with music."

How sad it actually is. Ugetsu wanted to be love but wanted to be free on a same time. He knows he can't have both. He need to choose between his heart or his sanity.

He choose his heart over his sanity

He giving up from being normal. He give up on love. He give up on himself. He let things harming him. He let things kill him slowly. Ugetsu actually can have both of it. He just didn't want to own it. He needs pain to felt alive. He needs it to felt something in his heart and show it through his violin.

The broken mug is the beginning of him and the ending of him. That is the beginning of his choice and the ending of his choice.

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miseria7declinio · 5 years

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Madness, as you know, is like gravity, all it takes is a little push.

THE DARK KNIGHT (2008) Dir. Christopher Nolan

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miseria7declinio · 5 years

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don’t forget “Chuuya as password iS TOO SHORT” don’t used it

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miseria7declinio · 5 years

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Com ela eu fico satisfeito. E eu nunca fico satisfeito com nada.

Gabito Nunes. (via continuador)

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miseria7declinio · 5 years

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the endless drunken nights.

i was tired of the endless fatigue, the drunken nights that lasted all day, the cigarettes that did not burn my heart, the songs that were not my voice. i was tired of monotonous periods, of never being really sober, of vices and of my own decline. i would end up with myself, but none of this would end my stupidity. i hated false greetings, hated my birthday and hated smiles for a year closer to death, i hated so many "i have changed" and few "hey, are you ok? ", i hated to stay without staying, i hated smiling and not loving. i hated the ruins of everything i touched and hated the toxicity of my company, i hated the empty compliments to my talents that would bring no future. it seemed to me that they were all chaotic and deteriorated souls crawling along the badly cemented paths, nothing else made sense to me, nothing irritated me like the concern of others. i spent their time with my incurable melancholy, spent my time with me, and spent too much time on things that gave me nothing but beer and insomnia. maybe i was just tired of my self-hatred, which was nothing but frustration. my worst nightmares were opening my mouth and filling with vacuum vacuum vacuum, in the middle of the sea of insulation that i put myself, tied on an existential board. alone, alone. addiction. i lived in the rot of Paris, Los Angeles or São Paulo. any capital of languor. "i preferred you before," but i did not change that much. i only preserved the essence in the bar of my room. my worst nightmares reflected my terrified image. one year closer to death, at least someone would embrace me in all this human catastrophe.

#oikage #oikageweek #oikage!week #oikage week #oikawa #kageyama #day 3

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miseria7declinio · 5 years

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