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Why am I such a coward why can’t I say how I feel

I was doing fine but I truly now want to stay in bed and throw up cause my words actually choke me

And no one is giving me this pain but me. It’s not even serious but it’s nagging but I’m so guilty for feeling anything.

I’m just overthinking and emotional but it hurts. Like saying anything hurts sometimes and also it’s annoying. Idk I feel really sick actually

There’s so many things I’m worried about that it’s like a damn will break

#delete later

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#dammit again

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Gakuen Alice On the cover of Hana to Yume - July 2004

#gakuen alice

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I feel so sad lately I could probably rip my own chest open it’s a dip that’s not going away and it’s truly eating me alive. I know it will eventually but I just I can’t breathe and I can’t function I overthink everything and I’m scared. I’m tired I’m scared and I’m sad. I’m really sad and I need it to go away. I feel useless and In so much pain.

#probably will delete later I’m just really going through it #I need to vent

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Have some thoughts about my feelings toward the latest TBHK chapter what emotions and questions and responses it’s now stirred in me with this altered time line. Also a note no I didn’t waste time editing I just wanted to jot my thoughts down so yea.

There is just so much I want to unpack with this. But I guess I just lost a lot of confidence with my thoughts and feeling for a while in every regard so I don’t know if I have the right words or I make sense but man MAN

I was just talking to Erin today about what if we do see Amane in his 60’s with the life he was supposed to live the dreams he was supposed to have! And ok maybe he really can’t make it all the way to the moon but he can think about the moon everyday and look at the stars and share his passion for that to kids who’s he’s teaching astrology to. He can live a life!

And not to be too depressing about this but really the story of Amane at his core is that if you die there is nothing for you. And I know that sounds horrible but that’s the point. We see this silly ghost boy through Nene and everyone’s perspective but then we have these moments that are like no … he’s dead. There is no future there’s nothing.

But imagine we really see a flesh and blood Amane who got to grow up. Now I know that some people have expressed how well they don’t want to see that cause that would mean Hananene wasn’t together and thats ok trust me I somehow want something where things could work out too so much but I’m not Aidairo and I can’t predict any direction. But I don’t think that .. I think we’re seeing this because just like the picture perfect arc and just like even bookstacks even though this is a “real” yet altered timeline and not a picture world it’s gonna show the gravity of the situation when we don’t see that school hat and the seal on his cheek or Hakojoudai. But a lab coat and graying hair and wrinkles and a character filled with memories and accomplishments no matter how small. How his presence and him being alive affects people. What relationships he’s never had a chance to form, what students he’s touched, who he’s maybe gotten to love (before throw daggers at me yes that’s the bittersweet of this like I said don’t think this is the final timeline but if it is I can’t control that) I just know I am gonna have so many mixed emotions for feeling Nenes conflicted emotions, for feeling the pride and peace of that non existent guilt Tsuchigomori harbors, and for myself who got into Hanako and deeply as she did because of bookstacks. I loved and it was great fun. But when they showed the glimpse of “oh that’s.. oh” no matter what I will cry so much when I think about bookstacks when I think about how Amane sat on that ledge and said “he didn’t want to go anywhere ever again” and then he didn’t. It wasn’t uplifting it was just something that Tsuchigomori held onto for years and years, with his most precious possession being the moon rock his student left in his care cause he couldn’t take it with him where he was going.

The amount of fics we’ve all written about how we wanted to see Amane as a teacher and happy or an Astronaut… I can’t explain why it affects me the way that it does but that’s MY thing. The part that got me the most a boy that wanted to go to the moon and (even though we don’t have all the details and background as to how much control he had over it) then essentially let go of all that and life.

So at the same time I would be feeling the angst and the pain if Aidairo is gracious enough to let us see him (and not just a photo that doesn’t have have his full face on Tsuchigomoris desk) I will also be conflicted-ly sobbing tears of joy. Just getting to see this.

Who knows what if the reason he’s Tsuchigomoris former co worker is because he really did then go on to become an astronaut or some position closer to reaching and studying the moon then just being an astrology teacher with the support of his colleagues and students.

I don’t think so but it’s a nice dream you know? 🥹

What if not only we get to see as readers but what if Nene herself somehow gets to see that. The conflicted emotions and sadness and happiness inside me will just truly break me and make me think and yea…

It would have impact. I just hope in whatever capacity this arc really can show that the harsh reality.

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#Dammit here we go again why do I have to look for things #sorry can’t risk it

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#kodocha

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Gakuen Alice by Taichibana Higuchi  学園アリス

#ahh my babies #gakuen alice

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I swear if anyone gets on my case for enjoying the little things I swear to god cause I’m barely holding on anymore. I know life is precious and I want to keep holding onto that I want to but how can I when nothing ever gets better. I need things to get better I’m at a breaking point I’m so desperate. I’ll keep fighting I just need things to get better i need them to please.

I’m shaking so bad I can’t stop shaking and my chest is so tight. I need to calm down but I can’t take it anymore I just need things to get better.

I don’t even care I’m being honest with my feelings I’m saying I’m fighting so I don’t care but please I’m in so much pain.

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𝐊𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐦𝐨 𝐧𝐨 𝐎𝐦𝐨𝐜𝐡𝐚 | 𝐀𝐤𝐢𝐭𝐨 & 𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐚

𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘮𝘦 + 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴

1/?

#kodocha #I didn’t think they would steal my heart the way they have I really didn’t #but they did #and I still have 4 eps left and this time I’m really procrastinating cause I don’t want it to end #but then I do have the manga so but yea

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As if my night wasn’t sappy enough I got into a convo about when I was 2 (I know fact checked for those who know this story and it was 2 not 4) when I ran into a dishwasher and almost lost my eye. And my mom was like “you had a guardian angel with you” and I said back “well I’ve had a guardian angel all my life I guess cause I’m still here I’m still fighting” and my mom was like “that’s the motivation I needed I’ll keep fighting too” and she started tearing up and we hugged and it’s just been a big sap fest tonight I swear 💕💕

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Sorry I am venting for a second you just have those days where you question everything about yourself. I truly feel like my heart is being ripped apart from my mind it’s actual agony I can’t stand this

#what’s my purpose what is it #I am sobbing I just need it all to stop #I can’t even express in words or cry to my best friends cause I feel like I’ve clammed up I just feel miserable #like the lump in my throat the size of a baseball #it’s why I always try to reiterate yea I have more to offer … I have more to offer without even believing this myself #it’s just bad day very bad day on top of that I’m sick with vertigo I can’t really lift my head and I’m just in so much pain #it really is torture to think about everything and I mean everything #I just feel so sick it’s a wave but these underlying questions even when I do feel myself don’t go away

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Send the umbrella of love and support to whoever might need it! ❤️

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Instagram

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I feel like I can’t breathe I want to cry so bad. But i also feel sick so if I do cry I’ll throw up. But it’s just panic and sadness and my brain going haywire. It feels god awful

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Favourite Manga ∞ Kodomo no Omocha

Some people say I’m sick, but I used to be strong or was I weak? What was I like when I was a kid? I feel like there’s always been something weak crying out inside of me…

#kodocha

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Do you ever feel like your heart is being crushed yet bursting at the same time? It’s a complicated emotion to tell you the truth. My brain is in overdrive I have so many thoughts and feelings about things that I’m scared if I voiced them people would scoff at me and call me ridiculous. Maybe I am ridiculous but they are also my feelings if I interpret something in some way cause it’s close to my heart and makes me feel less lonely then even if im not interpreting something in the completely by the book proper way what does it actually matter as long as what Is ignites a strong emotion in me? I wonder if people would agree on that at least.

I feel so much love. At the same time I feel it can all go away. I can never feel like yes I’m ok. I always doubt even though it’s ridiculous for me to doubt. I always wonder if I am loved. I wonder what my role is? I wonder so many things.

But then I’ll have a HUGE BURST of excitement and then I’ll be like “haha I don’t care what no one thinks!” Till I reflect on it… and feel like I should be in a circus huh? The way I speak is so absurd sometimes I’m truly so grateful for the little things I get so sappy about the little things. The little things are the most important things of all you know? A text message an anime watch a great cup of coffee a piece of merch.

I want to express my thoughts I want someone to say “yes I understand your right I didn’t think about it that way character A does act like that. I guess that’s validation huh? But sometimes it makes your conviction (damn I truly didn’t think so much about the word “conviction” till reading Queens Quality) but it makes your conviction stronger. Thats one of my wishes for my conviction to be strengthened. I believe what I always believe in my heart but my conviction is fragile or very small sounding it’s been that way for years and years and years.

My secret little box of wishes aren’t filled with merch or manga they are the little things. When I’m overrun with love I forgot things like the world around me. It’s so nice I wish it was a bubble that never bursts cause even though I doubt express it im like a heart monitor with the high peak to the low peak when my brain is actually aware of my extremely innocent … too innocent to be normal… actions. Then I feel extremely terrible about myself and then we’re back to the high peak again.

Rn I’m bursting with energy in my brain and heart I can’t put it down. But it’s scary cause even tho it’s like that I’m always afraid it will be snuffed out like a candle. What can you do though right, there’s nothing you can do.

I have no idea what this ramble even is I just have so many feelings. I have more to offer I want to be given a chance. But no one is not giving me a chance I’m the only one who does that you know? Lots of conflicting emotions

#rambles #anyways I probably will blog again here of the little things cause it’s relaxing to me sometimes 💕

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#I love them so much #kodocha