musings-from-mel-blog

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Taking a mental health day

Autumn is in full force in Seattle, and I’m starting to feel the gloom descending.

Yesterday was a tough day at school. Actually, the past week has been tough. This job in general has been tough.

I enjoyed my work last year so much because every week, I walked away with a handful of precious, warm memories - connections I made with the kids, funny things they did, or evidence of growth. But with the kind of work I do now, I maybe walk away with only one or two warm fuzzy memories in my pocket every week.

In place of the warm, fuzzy memories, I instead walk away with a list of behaviors that I can impress/shock people with. Like, this week a kid threw a pencil at me. Yesterday a kid threw a tomato at me. I got called a bitch 10 times this week. A kid stomped on my foot and tried to kick me. And so on and so on. My teammates have even crazier stories, having been in this line of work for longer - stories of biting, running after kids who run away from school, chasing kids who climb onto the roof, kids who bring weapons to school and threaten their teachers, and the list goes on.

I put on a front. I act like these things are no big deal, that I can just brush them off. I act strong. But really, I feel heartbroken sometimes. I feel heartbroken when I invest so much in these kids and they just throw it in my face.

I know that that is their disability, and no matter how much they scream or curse or try to physically harm me, I know that I am still one of the few stable things in their lives. I know that I have a purpose there, that my work is important. But there is still a big part of me that wants to feel appreciated for my work, and I just don’t get that anymore. Most days, I feel bad at my job. I feel out of my element.

I know that I will come out of this experience stronger, even if I decide that Special Education isn’t for me. I will come out of this with a stronger understanding of behavioral and emotional disorders, and will be better able to serve gen ed kids as well as make a more welcoming environment for kids with special needs.

But I’m still living in the now. And right now, I don’t feel appreciated or capable. Sometimes I daydream about working in a cushy boring office job, where I don’t have to wait for the end of the day to take a pee break. Sometimes I question my decision to go into education.

I know I won’t feel this way forever. Just last week, I was thinking to myself what a good week I was having and how I felt like I was finally starting to get the hang of things. As the teacher I work with says, working in Special Education is a constant push and pull - the kids are constantly pulling you closer, then pushing you away. It’s heartbreaking, but they just aren’t able to attach themselves to other people like “normal” kids. And sometimes it’s a defense mechanism - some of these kids have such sad stories.

Is it selfish for me to want more appreciation?

I feel so guilty for taking this mental health day, even though I really need it. They weren’t able to find a sub for me today, so all I can think about is what a tough time my teammates are probably having right now. But I can barely get myself to bring myself out of bed, let alone go to work.

Will people think I’m selfish? Will they see right through me?

#anxiety

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Grounded?

I went to my second appointment this week, and at one point my therapist asked me if at any point recently I felt grounded in the place where I lived. Even though I’ve been struggling to adjust to living in Seattle and have difficulty feeling like part of a community, I realized that right now might be the most grounded I have felt in a while. Of course, it’s difficult for me to actually define what being “grounded” means - it’s just a general feeling of belonging, of being able to reach out to some sort of support system; of having roots in a place, rather than feeling like you’re floating above it all; feeling like the physical space your body occupies has meaning and has some impact on the surrounding environment.

I guess I was able to come to this mental space of feeling grounded without realizing it. Of course it fluctuates from day to day, but I feel grateful. At the same time, I feel nervous about what’s coming next year - if my partner and I end up moving again, what will become of the life I built here?

It’s funny how averse to change I am, seeing as my whole life has felt like one tumultuous, life-changing transition after another. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel more confident and more secure in my identity if I grew up in one place for my whole childhood (or at least in one country). I guess I’ll never know, and there’s no point in wishing that things were different.

There’s a part of myself that is always looking for the next adventure - I daydream about living in Japan one day, of teaching abroad, of trying out different jobs. I’m always asking myself what’s next. And yet, when that “next” thing inevitably comes, I get scared. As contradictory as it sounds, I’m a creature of habit that is also afflicted by wanderlust. And I guess there’s nothing wrong with exploring those different facets of my identity during different periods of my life.

I keep trying to get it out of my head that anyone just does one thing during their life - hopefully I will get to do many different things, and as long as I am happy and comfortable in my own skin, there’s no wrong way to live my life.

[musings-from-mel-blog]

This week was better

There were some things that weren’t great, but it was still better. That’s all I can hope for at this point - for things to slowly get better and better, for my mind and body to feel healthier and healthier. And I’ll continue to learn to make choices that are good for me.

I’m starting to get used to this new school, and there is definitely more to the community than I initially thought - which should have been obvious to me, but I tend to make snapshot judgments. This week, I felt closer to my colleagues and to the kids I serve. And it helps that I got my first paycheck. ($$$!!!) This is going to be such a good experience for me, I can tell. Also, I got kicked by a kid for the first time, so I feel like I’ve earned a teacher’s badge of honor.

I saw this sunrise on my way to work this Friday, and I had to stop my bike and take in all the beauty. I still feel pangs of regret and nostalgia for last year, and Friday morning in particular was tough for me - but this sunrise did so much to affect my mood. It felt like a sign from the universe that everything is going to be okay.

I reconnected with an old acquaintance this week, and that felt really good. I was actually able to be pretty social this week. No matter how much my brain tries to tell me to withdraw, isolating myself has never been the answer to my anxious/depressive episodes. I always find it helpful to replace the memories in my brain that bring me pain with new memories that I can feel confident about. This winter, I’m making a promise to myself to surround myself with amazing, positive people, no matter how insecure I feel inside.

Today, I painted for the first time in months. My relationship to art has been a struggle for me since graduating from college. When I’m not forced to do it, when I’m not given specific assignments, it’s difficult for me to make myself do it and to not feel bad when my artwork doesn’t turn out the way I want to. I’m trying to explore again, to take the pressure off, to make what I want to make in that moment and not worry about anything else. I had forgotten how much peace the act of art making brought me, especially during rough times. I want that feeling to come back.

Next week will be even better. I’ll make it better.

[musings-from-mel-blog]

The T word

I recently decided to start going to therapy, and I just made my first appointment yesterday. This has been a long time coming, and I’m proud of myself for finally taking the first step. It might take a while for me to see real improvement or even find the right professional, but I feel like I’m on the right path and I’m finally taking care of myself.

I remember the first time I ever went to a therapist. It was during middle school, when I experienced my first period of depression. My parents were fighting, verbally and physically, and there was a lot of turmoil in my house. My father was emotionally unavailable and at times, verbally abusive. I harmed myself and spent all of my free time cooped up in my room, trying to escape from my reality. My parents were (rightfully) concerned and forced me to go to a therapist. I didn’t want help, and I remember trying to purposefully confuse the therapist by drawing an abstract picture in response to her questions. That was more than 10 years ago, and it has taken a long time for me to get to this point where I’m comfortable with the idea of seeking help. But better late than never. I’m tired of always feeling like an outsider no matter where I am. I’m tired of doubting my self-worth and constantly feeling like other people don’t like me or are disappointed in me. I’ve battled with these feelings of worthlessness and isolation for years now, and whenever the feeling sets in I find myself in an near-inescapable thought spiral that leads to self-loathing and periods of immobility. My expectations for myself are too high - I set impossible standards for myself and hate myself when I inevitably don’t meet them.

I’m tired of being a burden to the people around me because I don’t take my needs seriously enough. I want to be independent, I want to be strong. I want to be able to move through the world with confidence and grace. I want to be successful, and to not sabotage myself in the process.

Last year was a year of self-discovery for me, of finding my passion for this line of work. It was also the beginning of my self-care journey, of taking care of my body and mind. This year, I will be further developing my skills and actively pursuing a future in education, and I’ll be making enough money to take my mental health seriously. I have high hopes for this year. The long rainy winter is slowly but surely coming to Seattle, but I still feel hopeful.

On a different note, MAN it feels good to be paid well for the work that you do. It almost feels undeserving. I feel like a grown ass woman with a grown ass salary and benefits. I *almost* feel like an adult, and it’s a strange feeling. I want to do some more growing this year, and I think that finally seeking therapy for my long unaddressed mental health issues will be a big step in that direction.

Yay adulthood!

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Regret

Since the end of the school day yesterday, I have been feeling a deep sense of shame and regret that I haven’t been able to shake. I’ve lost sleep.

I wish I could go back to my old school. The community there was so much more diverse and so much more welcoming. I miss the kids, and I miss the staff. I miss the friends that I made there. I didn’t know how lucky I was over there. And I can’t help but feel that I have made a terrible mistake going to this new school.

I still can’t shake this feeling, so I’ve done the most millenial thing - I googled my problem. I googled, “how to deal with feelings of regret.” And to my surprise, I actually found something helpful.

Things I need to remember: -It is unfair to judge the actions of the past with knowledge from the present -I made the best decision I could at the time -I need to make the best of the opportunity in front of me -I need to forgive myself -I should look at my decision from a learning-oriented perspective The lessons: What did I learn? I learned that I really value the sense of community at a school, and what the causes the community commits to. I learned that feeling like I belong in a community is important to me. I learned that I like working at a more diverse school. I learned that I am resistant to change. And I learned that the community and culture that my old school embodied is a rarity, not the norm for public schools. The next time I find a community like that, I should cherish it. There is something to learn from working at different schools, which will help me in my career.

What can I do now to support myself moving forward? I can go to work with a more positive attitude, so I don’t overlook the opportunities that are right in front of me. I will continue to reach out to my network from my old school, no matter how self-conscious it makes me feel. I will try my best to participate in community events at the new school and offer contributions. I can do my own small part in changing this new community for the better.

And I need to forgive myself. I am human, not omniscient. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

Now, I just need to internalize these thoughts and stop beating myself up and wishing things were different. Wish me luck.

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Home sweet home

After a month away from home, I’m finally back. I’m surprised at how relieved I feel. I spent a little more than two weeks in my hometown in Japan, and I had a lot of fun there seeing my friends. I stayed at my obasan and ojisan’s house, which was nice and relaxing. I did have some moments of loneliness, though. My friends and I are all grown up now - which means we lead busier lives. Luckily, when I met with them I did not feel the distance that sometimes comes with adult friendships. That’s something I like about my Japanese girlfriends - they are not afraid to get close, to get intimate.

I’ve decided that the next time I go to Japan, I need to stay for longer and have a plan for what I will do on the weekdays. Maybe find a job, or volunteer. That way, I can see my friends more often and have something to do during workdays. I won’t have so much time on my hands to think and second-guess my every action, as Japan has me prone to doing.

Then, I spent almost two weeks in Georgia with my parents, and that went as well as you might expect. There were ups and downs for sure, and I felt stifled and uncomfortable at various times. But it was necessary and important. Plus, I saw my dog, and that always makes me happy in the most uncomplicated way.

I’m back home now, and I’m so happy. I’m happy to see my partner again, to know where everything goes in the kitchen, to have my routine back, to be able to run on magnificent trails, to be able to have guilt-free alone time. I missed walking around the streets of Seattle.

There are other things I miss - my old school, my old students. I say “old” because I have just been hired at a different school this year. I am elated on one hand because I had thought that I would be jobless and instead I got a job at an amazing school just 20 minutes away. On the other hand, my decision came with terrible timing - a position would have likely opened up at my old school only one or two days later, but I was only given two hours to accept or decline the other job offer. I went with the option that felt the safest, the most secure. And now I’m trying to keep feelings of regret at bay.

If I am being honest with myself, I feel really good about this decision. This new school is in a beautiful building, it’s closer to home, they emphasize the importance of art and community, and it will give me a fresh start. I can learn more at this school and expand my network. But I can’t help but feel like I am disappointing the staff and students at my old school, and I miss them so much. I’m afraid to admit that I will likely never see some of them again, even if I visit. It will never be the same.

I’m sure that I will feel better once I start working at the new school. Right now, the only memories I have are the ones at my old school, and I’m looking at them through rose-tinted glasses. I’ll find new friends, and there will be other students who will steal my heart. The only hurdle now is getting through the next three off days while I continue to second-guess my decision and jump through bureaucratic hoops.

But regardless of this inner turmoil, I’m glad to be back. It feels right. And moving forward, I’ll ensure that it continues to be right.

[musings-from-mel-blog]

My two favorite spots that we went to - Hurricane Ridge and Ruby Beach

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Ben and I went to the Olympic National Park last weekend and it was incredible. It was so nice to get away, to see the Seattle skyline get smaller and smaller as we sped away in the ferry. And there were times - especially on Hurricane Ridge and at Ruby Beach - that I couldn’t believe my eyes. Nature is amazing. I hate bugs but other than that nature is amazing. (Also we got pretty sunburned on the hike but I think I forgive the sun for that, maybe.)

I didn’t get as much quiet and time to think as I thought - we were pretty busy all three days. But, summer school started this week and it’s been pretty chill. I’ve been watching a lot of Gilmore Girls to pass the time - that show is so comforting to me for some reason. The first day back from the trip I felt pretty lazy and depressed and icky, but the weather has been so nice in the city and I love getting off work at 12:30 every day. And I love the kids I’m working with.

I’m sitting here in front of my laptop thinking to myself, what should this blog post be about? What burning questions or thoughts do I have? And to be quite honest, I’m coming up empty. I have a tendency to over-think things, and this year it has been one worry after another that has kept me up. Am I doing my job well? Did I pick the right career? Does so-and-so like me? Am I going to have a job next year? And sure, I’m still a little stressed about being on the job hunt and not having anything secure lined up, but for now, I’m content. Maybe a little distance was all I needed for my mind to stop running at a million miles a minute.

I do have some goals for myself for this month that I’m really excited about. I set goals every month and maybe get to one or two, but this month I will actually have the time to invest in some of my side interests and hobbies. I want to get back into studying Chinese and Japanese, and look into taking language tests. I want to paint - the trip was what I needed to get me inspired by visual imagery again. And it’s been too long since I’ve touched a piano, and I need to fix that.

We’ll see if I get to all those things. But for now, I’m laying back and dealing with life as it comes. 

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Appreciation Post - Thanks, life.

I’ve been feeling a little down this week for a number of reasons - I haven’t felt good about any of my social interactions; I feel insecure; I feel nervous about not having a job lined up yet; and I haven’t been able to hang out with kids as much at school, which is where a lot of my sense of happiness and fulfillment came from this year. Me and my fellow tutors have been scrambling for things to do at school, and I can’t shake this feeling of worthlessness and isolation. Because I’m no longer doing my regular work, I don’t feel like I’m part of the community as much, and I don’t feel like I’m contributing. And maybe this is the root of my recent social insecurity.

I was looking at this picture of myself hiking Rattlesnake Ridge, and it really resonated with me this morning. Ben and I are planning a 3-day trip to the Olympic National Park next weekend, and part of it is that I’m just super excited to be able be in nature again and go hiking. Another part of it is that being in nature always gives me perspective. Looking out at the seemingly endless mountain range shows me the vastness of the world and how minor, inconsequential things seem so important when we’re stuck in tunnel vision. I don’t remember where this line came from (it could possible be from the TV show House, which is slightly embarrassing), but I remember it now for some reason - that life is just a series of rooms. It’s so important to step out of those rooms that we inhabit every day and get perspective every once in a while.

I thought it would be a useful exercise for me to, sans hiking, take stock of my life and list the things that are going well. It’s so easy to focus on what’s going wrong, to focus on your shortcomings in the context of some overarching goal, without appreciating the value of the present.

Things I like about myself: -I work hard, but also know how to kick back and relax. -I am purposeful and thoughtful in my actions, and am goal-driven. -I care about my fellow humans and find it easy to empathize and love others. -I am creative. -I have a sense of humor and know when to not take something seriously. -I always do my best and never stop reflecting on how I can improve myself. -I set high expectations for myself. -I speak several languages and have the ability to understand other cultures. -I am good at listening. -I acknowledge my privilege and strive to advocate for others.

Things I appreciate about my life right now: -I am not strapped into a particular career yet, so I am able to enjoy the freedom that comes with that. -My relationship with my partner is strong, and we communicate on a regular basis on how we can improve each other’s lives. -I can pursue hobbies and interests with relatively little stress. -I live in a lively part of town and my rent is affordable. -I am friends with my roommates and my co-workers. -I am healthy. I exercise regularly and eat well. I feel confident and comfortable about my body for the first time in my young adulthood. -I know where my next steps are career-wise and am taking the necessary steps to get there at my own pace.

I am trying to make a habit of showing gratitude for people in my life and things that are going well in my life. Hoping that this post is a step in the right direction!

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Low-key social anxiety?

My bedtime was three hours ago and I still can’t fall asleep because of this crippling sense of embarrassment and self-loathing trapped inside my chest. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, but it used to happen more often and I’m trying to figure out what it is.

I am looking at symptoms of social anxiety, and the symptoms all seem familiar aside from the fact that they all happen AFTER a social interaction rather than during. And it mostly happens during social interactions with people who are older, people I respect, or people who are “above” me in some way (kind of like a “senpai” in Japanese). I don’t seem to feel this way around peers quite as much. So obviously, this isn’t quite as severe as full-blown social anxiety.

Tonight, some of the teachers at my school planned an end of the year celebration for the AmeriCorps members working there, including me. It was overall a fun evening and nothing of real significance happened, other than light conversation. But now I can’t help but endlessly dissect minute moments during the party, feeling a disproportionate amount of embarrassment for minor things that I did. And I also feel fear, fear that certain people I admire don’t like me or think I’m awkward. I feel certain that they judge me, even when I have evidence to the contrary. My heart races and I imagine throwing myself out of the window. It’s a deep, visceral feeling that overtakes me in these moments. At times, I feel this sense of self-consciousness and embarrassment about an interaction even if it went well. Just the act of putting myself out there and having the interaction to begin wtih seems to incite regret, and I sometimes vow to never put myself in that situation again. Of course, I still do (which is probably a good thing).

I can remember feeling this way in college during a weeklong service trip I took. The group I went with was quite gregarious, and though I enjoyed their antics, I never felt like I really “clicked” with the group. The leaders of the trip were people that I admired - people who were “cool” and did good work - and I never felt that I was able to have a positive social interaction with them to prove my own “coolness.” So in reality, I never did anything that awkward or embarrassing (maybe a LITTLE awkward), and yet I found myself dwelling on the experience for weeks afterward. I found myself wishing I had never gone on the trip at all.

I also felt this way about a meeting I had with a professor, who I asked to write me a letter of recommendation. In hindsight, I felt that I had said some naive things (as expected from an undergrad) and also that it may have been a bit of a stretch for me to ask him for a letter. For years afterward, and I really mean years, I would look back on the conversation and cringe, feeling a deep sense of shame any time I happened to see him on campus or the mere thought of him crossed my mind. I’ve gotten over it now, but it took a lot of time.

I also went to a teacher’s social justice conference a few months ago, and I remember kicking myself for almost everything I said that day. I was really nervous, I felt awkard, and at times I said things that came out differently from what I intentioned. It feels good to own up to these experiences, because at the time, I felt too embarrassed to even share my feelings. I was feeling embarrassed about my embarrassment.

I want to be able to overcome this, especially since I am now a young professional and will need to be able to put myself out there and take risks to get the jobs and opportunities I want. I don’t want to be crippled by my fear of rejection.

Things I need to remind myself of:

-People are often too busy thinking about themselves to be thinking about you. -My thoughts are not reality. They are a manifestation of my insecurity and fear. -No one is perfect. Mistakes make us human. -I don’t need everyone to like me. I just need to be genuine to myself.

Positive self-talk ftw (I’m bringing ftw back! Don’t judge...)

[musings-from-mel-blog]

ADDICTED to Terrace House

Oh man, what have I been doing with myself the past two weekends? If I’m being honest I totally vegged out and marathoned Terrace House pretty hard.

Terrace House is a Japanese reality show on Netflix, but it’s not your typical (American) reality show. It’s a lot more subtle and “realistic” - people don’t stir things up just for the drama. Conflict arises only when necessary. And as you may imagine with a Japanese reality show, the stars are surprisingly polite and thoughtful. When conflicts happen in the show, they always get resolved with conversations in which all parties express their feelings and come to a resolution in a mature way. It’s pretty different from American reality shows, to the point where it may seem like nothing ever happens. But oh it definitely does, and the payoff is SO worth the wait.

An important part of the show is that the people in it are not there just to be reality stars - they are there for a particular purpose, whether that be to have new experiences, make friends, or find love. And when they feel that they are satisfied, they leave. No one overstays their welcome, and we are usually introduced to a new person every few episodes. It’s sad when beloved stars leave, but the temporary nature of it imbues all their interactions with a lot more meaning and significance. Also, they all have lives outside of the show and professional ambitions. Several times we see people either accomplish their dreams or tirelessly work towards them, and I have honestly been inspired by the stars’ determination and work ethic, something I never expected from a reality show.

I think that part of the reason I have gotten so glued to this show is that I am trying to escape from my own situation right now. Now that it’s nearing the end of the school year, I am an active job-seeker and have become unsatisfied with my lack of results (granted, I haven’t been doing it for very long, but I’m just not used to it). It was oddly comforting to see people on the show, people older than me and in various places in their lives, still trying to figure it out. And doing so while still enjoying life and building relationships.

This has also been kind of a nostalgia trip for me. I’ve recently decided that I want to take my language study more seriously - I would really like, one day, to be able to combine my interest in language with my interest in education, whether that be working in a dual-language school or whatever else. Watching this show, I’ve been able to practice my Japanese listening skills and also expand my vocabulary quite a bit with commonly used words. It also made me miss Japan all over again. There are so many moments in the show that I could dissect to discover all the implications of Japanese culture and life, and it has been really enjoyable to witness how different things can be there - in regards to work, romance, and more - but also to see how, deep down, it’s pretty much the same. People just want to feel confident about themselves and the lives they lead, and to be part of a community.

The show is so genuine. I can’t prove that it really is, and I don’t know how the show is produced, but it just feels that way. Because of all of the awkward pauses and conversations, and also sometimes the lack of dramatic “events,” it’s pretty apparent that this show is not scripted. But that just makes it so much more interesting when something really does happen, and observing how the residents respond according to their unique personalities and quirks. Couples who get together during the show stay together even after the show ends, evidenced by their Instagram posts.

Another part of the show that I really enjoy is the commentary. Twice or three times during an episode, the show cuts away to a group of entertainers and comedians that talk about what has just transpired. You get to feel like you’re watching the show with some friends, and get to relish in their exaggerated reactions and gags. And during more serious moments, it helps lighten the mood. They also have pretty insightful interpretations of the events that transpire.

I’m sad that I’ve already finished the show, but it’s also probably a good idea for me to get back to reality (oh, there goes gravity!) But it was fun to invest in something other than myself for a little bit. I feel a little bit like I went on vacation.

#terrace house #blog

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Leveraged temporary sub-optimal cognitive operating status to strategically reorganize single-day caloric intake benchmarks.

Forgot to eat breakfast.

(LOOK OUT LUNCH.)

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Job hunting sucks/Adulting sucks

I’ve been doing a lot of job stuff this week, like reworking my resume, sending out applications, asking for references, e-mailing schools, etc. And it is so exhausting. I hate advertising myself. The whole process just seems so disingenuous and futile at times. No matter how many postings you apply to it’s really all about your connections, and how well you’re able to write a resume/cover letter. And I can’t help but think that these measures are arbitrary and don’t actually reflect how responsible or hard-working a person is. The whole thing is soul-crushing - at every step you’re made to prove to them that you are a good human, that you’re not just an anonymous name on a screen.

Maybe it gets easier with time. But I can’t help but feel like my hopes are dashed at every turn.

It kind of makes me laugh thinking about how mature I thought I was in college, how much of an adult I thought I was. I didn’t realize what a bubble I was in, how comforting that surrounding structure was. And even when I went to China, it didn’t feel like real adulthood - because of the nature of the ESL industry there, it was incredibly easy to get a job without any experience and make a good amount of money. Honestly, the money I earned there felt like monopoly money sometimes.

I feel that I’ve proven myself this year, I’ve proven that I am a worthy, hard-working public school employee. All I want is to do basically the same job I’m doing this year but to not be paid 4 bucks an hour. Is that so much to ask?

(dramatic sigh)

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Dog Nostalgia

I really miss my childhood dog </3 He’s still living with my parents, but he’s an old dog now (almost 13!) and he’s not as energetic as he used to be. He’s blind, and although he used to get around pretty well in his younger years, he gets confused really easily nowadays. Now when you call his name, instead of walking in your direction, he looks up and then proceeds to walk in circles trying to locate your voice. It’s kind of adorable but also a little sad.

I share so many childhood memories with Charlie. When I first got him at the age of 8, I tried to attach his leash onto my scooter and have him pull me. I fell down pretty much instantly, but instead of continuing to run full speed ahead, he ran back to check up on me by licking my face (not super helpful, but he tried). My 8-year-old heart was very touched by that.

He used to have boundless energy as a young pup, and we used to keep him on a dog run. Every time I came back from school and he heard the sound of the school bus, he would leap into the air in excitement. I swear, he leapt at least two feet off the ground. He was so good at jumping that one time, he jumped out of our garage window. As a testament to his energy, he even got loose and followed my dad in his car one time. My dad only noticed this when he looked into the rearview mirror to see Charlie running after him at full speed, a huge grin on his face. Or, whatever a dog’s equivalent of a grin is.

Another time, he got loose from his leash and I spent the whole day, from morning to night, looking for him in our neighborhood. I read a lot of mystery books as a kid, so I was taking notes, looking for paw prints and other clues. We finally found him when I walked by a section of the woods behind our house and I heard a soft whimper. He was still attached to the leash and had gotten himself tangled up among the trees.

I spent many weekends and summers teaching him all kinds of tricks, and letting him practice catching a ball in mid-air. He was a really smart and athletic dog back then.

During my angsty middle school/early high school years, I often considered Charlie to be my one and only companion. I remember writing in journals I kept at the time (I shudder at the thought that those journals still are in existence somewhere) that Charlie was my only friend, the only one who understood me (cue major eye roll). I would often shut myself in my room and sit in front of my computer for hours, and he was the only one I would let into the room. If I didn’t, he would just scratch at my door and whimper, and eventually resign himself to laying down right outside my door. We would hang out in my room all the time. By this time, he had mellowed out considerably. This may sound weird, but I remember that he would lick my tears when I cried. He probably (definitely) just thought my tears tasted salty, but he kept me from feeling utterly alone in those moments of teenage angst and despair.

When I went off to college, my mom told me that for a long time, he kept sleeping in my room. When I still lived at home, he would always sleep in my room at night. During those weekends when I went back home, he would insist on me sleeping in my room. If I tried to sleep in another room, he would claw at the door and when I opened it, go to my room and lie down while looking at me expectantly.

I feel sad and almost guilty that he is no longer a part of my life, but I know that he is a good thing for my dad. He gives my dad something to take care of and a daily routine. He’s also been good for my mom, who loves him even more now than when I still lived at the house. He’s been a consistent presence and someone she can care for, amidst the divorce, my moving out, and other big life changes. She sends me pictures all the time, and she tells me that Charlie even tries to wake her up when she has nightmares by clawing at or bumping into her door. He’s serving a different purpose now, but I’ve always felt grateful to have had Charlie from childhood to early adulthood.

My partner and I are thinking about getting a dog in Seattle. Dogs just make life so much better.

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Summer vibes

Currently binge-watching Terrace House: Aloha State, a Japanese reality show. I’m obsessed <3

Things I’m looking forward to this summer: hiking, spending time with friends (and making new ones), taking long walks, painting, reading, and wearing summer clothes.

The school year is winding down, and I’m finding myself with less and less to do. And the weather has been so nice. I’m loving Seattle right now.

[musings-from-mel-blog]

Shortly after I claimed that I was getting tired of painting abstract work, I went right back to painting abstract work. But I really enjoyed myself while painting this. :)

[musings-from-mel-blog]

This week, I have learned the importance of solitude.

I have felt the need to spend more time away from the apartment and give my partner some space the past few days. I won’t go in depth, but essentially I said some hurtful things and I am giving him time/distance to forgive me, and also for me to forgive myself.

Usually, I come home as soon as I am done at work. Lately, I have been coming home early since the school year is wrapping up and I don’t have much to do after school ends at 2. I come home as early as I can 1. because my partner is usually home and I like spending time with him and 2. because I’ve convinced myself I need to relax and de-stress after work and mindlessly watch videos on youtube. This week, I have been forced to find other ways to spend my afternoons.

On Thursday, I went to a coffee shop and wrote for two hours. I walked through unfamiliar neighborhoods for hours while listening to classical music. I read graphic novels at a bookstore (and got hit on at Chipotle.) I petted strangers’ dogs. It was a lovely afternoon.

On Friday, I went to the beach with some K/1 students as a chaperone for their field trip. Afterwards, I hung out at a Starbucks nearby, read a book, wrote some more, and hiked on some trails in the area. When I’m walking around, I usually like to listen to a podcast or music, but my phone battery was low so instead I walked around soaking in the sounds from the environment around me. I could hear the waves, the sounds of people talking and laughing, the hum of cars driving by, the wind in the trees. I had never felt so content to just be, to just exist, without any distraction. I wasn’t even thinking about anything in particular, since I had already gotten all my pressing thoughts out on paper. I was just present in my beautiful surroundings, gazing out over Lake Washington and seeing Mt. Rainier looming in the distance.

The irony is that I had felt the most intense feelings of sadness, regret, and heartbreak so far this year within the past week. And yet, after spending two afternoons away from my den, I feel more well-adjusted than ever. There is so much left for me to explore, and I have the great fortune of living in one of the most beautiful cities in the country. It would be a waste for me to revert back to the work-home-sleep-repeat lifestyle without leaving room for spontaneity, adventure, and quiet. In addition, I now realize how important it is for the two people in a partnership to have separate, independent lives, or at least as much as a committed relationship allows. We must not solely depend on the other for self-fulfillment and confidence, otherwise the pressure becomes too much and the inevitable implosion hurts everyone involved.

As I write, I am remembering the physical sensations I experienced during my walk yesterday - the sights, the sounds, the smells. My mind was pleasantly quiet. I felt at peace.