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shellofatime
Shell of a Time
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Hey, it's been a while.
I guess I'm doing all right. Some days are harder than others, but that's life right? I guess I'm slowly starting to figure out more about myself. Why I'm the way that I am and I do the things that I do. Why are the people that are so important to me drain me sometimes and which relationships are worth the drain? I'm not really sure. Sometimes I think it's hard because I do care about everyone in my life and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But at the same time I really start to question how I feel when I hang out with some people. Maybe my standards are too high and unrealistic because I have a tendency to fantasize about a lot of scenarios. I think the other issue is because I've always been hypervigilant about other people's needs to the point of predicting them. It disappoints me that no one's willing to do the same for me. I know that it's toxic and I'm trying to unlearn it because that comes from a place of trauma and lack. It comes from an unhealed place and I know it's unrealistic to expect people to pay that close of attenution to me. I also know that the only reason why I did it was to survive during my childhood at the same time. It would be nice to feel like I'm the center of someone's world since I don't have a problem putting someone else as the center of mine. The problem is I do that with people who don't even come close to doing the same and then wonder why I get disappointed. I guess what's really going to determine these things is how often I speak up and what the responses will be once I do. I can't expect people to meet unspoken needs but how they react to me. Speaking about those needs will tell me a lot more than if I just stay silent.
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Why a man great till he gotta be great? Lmao felt tho
Like why would you think it's ok to fuck mutual friends? Why would you sex them BEFORE talking to me about it? Men are dumb and most friends are bullshit. I'm going to drown my loneliness in animals like I should have done from the beginning.
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It's crazy how quickly my emotions fluctuate. I get lost in the delulu of ADHD and depression. This causes me to cling to whatever slightly nice thing happens to me. I'll keep his number in my phone until I figure out if I'm going back to MN or not. if I decide not to I'll delete it and send my friend a copy of the book to have her drop it off at his store for him. That feels reasonable.
So I met a boy
He's quite handsome, Latinx like myself and someone I hardly know but in that short time we spent together he showed me a lot of kindness. I saw how passionate he is about the people who report to him and I had 24 hours of peace with him for the first time in a while.
Maybe it's the hyper fixation or the way I would catch him staring at me. Maybe it was the simple act of him loaning me a book I've wanted to read for years within 2 hours of meeting me in person and trusting I would come back to his state just to return it to him in person. I'm not sure what it is but it's hard to leave which is insane considering I don't know anything about him. How could I over the course of a few days?
Either way I'd like to know him. He was vulnerable and tender. The way he cares for his elderly cat and plants feels like a peek behind the curtain. He's so comfortable being himself, unapologetically and he's passionate about helping others.
I have a habit of falling in love with potential and the idea of that alone makes me contemplate blocking his number and forgetting he ever existed. To return to the emptiness of a roster of men that couldn't care less about me aside from if I'm free for the night. Being cared about by a stranger was so jarring and it doesn't help that the sex was great.
I'm driving myself crazy just waiting to see his name pop up in my phone again, it's maddening. Maybe I'll just turn my notifications off and see if that helps. Until I figure this out and truly get to know him, I'll have to keep this at arms length. I have too much love pent up to let myself run away with merely the idea of him. He's dedicated to his goals and if I do the same eventually that person meant for me will show up. I'd be lying if I said part of me didn't hope it was him but that truly sounds insane.
I need a therapist.
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Yo wtf? I don't know this dude. Am I really that touch starved that a man shows me kindness once and I'm acting like this? This is concerning and I need to call someone tomorrow. I have a lot of healing to do.
So I met a boy
He's quite handsome, Latinx like myself and someone I hardly know but in that short time we spent together he showed me a lot of kindness. I saw how passionate he is about the people who report to him and I had 24 hours of peace with him for the first time in a while.
Maybe it's the hyper fixation or the way I would catch him staring at me. Maybe it was the simple act of him loaning me a book I've wanted to read for years within 2 hours of meeting me in person and trusting I would come back to his state just to return it to him in person. I'm not sure what it is but it's hard to leave which is insane considering I don't know anything about him. How could I over the course of a few days?
Either way I'd like to know him. He was vulnerable and tender. The way he cares for his elderly cat and plants feels like a peek behind the curtain. He's so comfortable being himself, unapologetically and he's passionate about helping others.
I have a habit of falling in love with potential and the idea of that alone makes me contemplate blocking his number and forgetting he ever existed. To return to the emptiness of a roster of men that couldn't care less about me aside from if I'm free for the night. Being cared about by a stranger was so jarring and it doesn't help that the sex was great.
I'm driving myself crazy just waiting to see his name pop up in my phone again, it's maddening. Maybe I'll just turn my notifications off and see if that helps. Until I figure this out and truly get to know him, I'll have to keep this at arms length. I have too much love pent up to let myself run away with merely the idea of him. He's dedicated to his goals and if I do the same eventually that person meant for me will show up. I'd be lying if I said part of me didn't hope it was him but that truly sounds insane.
I need a therapist.
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The emotions fluctuate so much I never know whats up and down. Happy, sad, pain, lonely, free, exhilarated, exhausted, everything, nothing, and all at the same time like a flip book piloted by a toddler trying to figure it out.
It's nice to finally feel things again but it's so hard to stop myself from turning it off again like an emergency breaker. My safe space is cracking my emotional walls I've put up with even myself but it's so hard because the thing that allows me the comfort to do this is also part of what hurts me.
Lonely never meant safe for me, it just meant suffering in silence. Now I can suffer as loud as I want but there's still no one around to hear me and I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing.
I need a therapist.
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So I met a boy
He's quite handsome, Latinx like myself and someone I hardly know but in that short time we spent together he showed me a lot of kindness. I saw how passionate he is about the people who report to him and I had 24 hours of peace with him for the first time in a while.
Maybe it's the hyper fixation or the way I would catch him staring at me. Maybe it was the simple act of him loaning me a book I've wanted to read for years within 2 hours of meeting me in person and trusting I would come back to his state just to return it to him in person. I'm not sure what it is but it's hard to leave which is insane considering I don't know anything about him. How could I over the course of a few days?
Either way I'd like to know him. He was vulnerable and tender. The way he cares for his elderly cat and plants feels like a peek behind the curtain. He's so comfortable being himself, unapologetically and he's passionate about helping others.
I have a habit of falling in love with potential and the idea of that alone makes me contemplate blocking his number and forgetting he ever existed. To return to the emptiness of a roster of men that couldn't care less about me aside from if I'm free for the night. Being cared about by a stranger was so jarring and it doesn't help that the sex was great.
I'm driving myself crazy just waiting to see his name pop up in my phone again, it's maddening. Maybe I'll just turn my notifications off and see if that helps. Until I figure this out and truly get to know him, I'll have to keep this at arms length. I have too much love pent up to let myself run away with merely the idea of him. He's dedicated to his goals and if I do the same eventually that person meant for me will show up. I'd be lying if I said part of me didn't hope it was him but that truly sounds insane.
I need a therapist.
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Sometimes it is painful to be on the phone with my friends. I love them but God please do not call me unless we've talked about it. Also don't keep me on the phone if I say I want to be left alone
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I've realized that I shouldn't question how I come off to people. Silly I know but I always just want someone to like me as we all do so I get anxious about communication. I always try to communicate with people in a way I want to be communicated with and I understand not everyone will be comfortable with that. Those who are, will stay and reciprocate. Those who aren't, will find happiness somewhere else and that's ok. If I really am choosing to be happy I wouldn't be so concerned with trying to appease everyone.
It's ok if people don't like me
It's ok if they don't want to be my friend
My value is not defined by how many people like me
My value is defined by how much I like myself and I like myself enough to surround myself with people who get me. People who want to be around despite my awkward and weird way of loving them. Thats how I'll find my true friends.
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I love the feeling of being drunk but not the aftermath so I'll keep posting on here until I feel better so I don't have to take another shot .
What do you do when you want to cry but the tears won't come out? What do you do when you want to reach for someone but you've pushed all of them just beyond your reach? Once again I'm 13 curled up in the corner of my bed sobbing. I am the machine that keeps the cycle going.
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It's a lesson
Being friends with an ex is hard for most people. For me it's never been an issue until now. What happens when your best friend becomes your ex? Even worse, what happens when he becomes a better person after you guys separate? It's hard to not get lost in the "it's not fair"s and the "why was I not enough"s. The truth is I know he's a lesson. We needed to go through what we went through to get to where we are right now. He's now become my test. I already know if I go back we'd fall back into old patterns. It's crazy being so compatible as friends yet toxic as lovers. I really thought he would be the one to struggle with this. I thought I already did my grieving and yet here we are, just bowling and I'm on the verge of tears.
How strange it is to laugh among friends while falling apart. This too shall pass. It always does. I just need to trust that everything is going the way it's supposed to go and better things are coming.
At the same time I need to give myself some grace. I'm only human and it was a 10 year relationship. I have to remind myself it's ok to cry and feel things. A concept long forgotten. You'll be ok, you always are.
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its been a while
its strange how life works in cycles. youre so desperate to leave where youre at yet if you go long enough you end up right back where you started. trauma will do that to you. it keeps you safe because you already know what to expect. at 30 years old i never thought id be living with my parents again. but as much as things feel the same i know so much has changed. new job, new mindset - mostly, newly single. yet one thing has always stayed the same. im always lonely.
no matter how many people i surround myself with i feel like im screaming in a tightly packed room but everyone has headphones on. i sabotage myself when one of them takes off the headphones to ask what im doing and i tell them im laughing to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of getting close to them. they happily go back to their music and i smile to avoid crying. its a strange thing, wanting to be close to people but never really letting them in. sharing what feels to them like intimate space but in reality theyve never really seen me cry or heard about my demons. so alone i sit, in my own choosing because its easier to be alone and mostly liked by everyone than it is to be let down and hurt. its easier to hold space for others making myself so small my bones break to fit the little box i give myself to exist in because thats easier than asking for elbow room. i might not have space but at least there are bodies there to interact with. id spill my heart out to an AI or an animal but a person? too risky. I tell myself i hate it but its obviously a lie when i look at how comfortable ive made this loneliness. Why change when I already know how to handle this pain? When im only hurting myself as opposed to accidently getting someone stuck in the crossfire of my existence.
15 years later and its all the same. Hello Tumblr, my old friend.
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