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nonsal · 4 months

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Pale Static Exchange Gift

Happy Pale Static Exchange @nonsal! I wrote a fic for your requests. You can read it on ao3 here, or under the cut below, whichever you prefer! I hope you had a lovely holiday season, and that you enjoy your present!

FIC: (You are) the life I needed all along

PAIRING: Harry/Kim, Harry & Kim

Summary: Harry invites Kim to a nice dinner, and it does not, in fact, go spectacularly wrong.

YOUR APARTMENT’S SHOEBOX OF A KITCHEN - The room is warm, the dough under your hands is pleasantly sticky and forming well, the radio is softly playing, and you’re in the middle of making dinner for your favorite person. Life, for the moment, is good.

SHIVERS [Medium: Success] - Outside of your window, the grey expanse of cloud hangs low and dismal over the rain-dampened street. Few people brave this temporary lull in the downpour: a man rushing to meet his sister, a woman coming home early from work, two sticky-faced children sharing an adventure.

Revachol no more sleeps than her people do–but perhaps even she’s afforded a moment’s repose, in all this rain.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And you, Harrier Du Bois, have a stew pot full of broth, several pounds of farmer’s-market-Lynne’s best chuck, onions, carrots, potatoes, and a fuckload of herbs cooking on the stove. From the smell of this kitchen right now, you might as well be the best cook that ever lived.

YOU -

Fuck yeah I am! I’m a superstar chef. Gorący Kubek eat your heart out.

Admittedly I did once light my kitchen a little bit on fire. But it was a very little bit! Barely worth bringing up any more, really.

…I do okay.

YOU - For a moment, you put a little more force into kneading your bread dough than is probably strictly necessary.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Aw, who cares about the kitchen fire? That was two months ago. Might as well have happened to a different person.

HALF-LIGHT - There’s still scorch marks on the counter.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - And? Nothing here’s unblemished, including Harry, but that’s not the point. Can’t you feel the saliva pooling under your tongue, Harry? Can’t you smell the air?

PERCEPTION (Smell) [Easy: Success] - It does smell very nice.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Thank you.

YOU - Of the various pastimes you tried your hand at post-Martinaise–and there were many–

ENCYCLOPEDIA - Knitting, journaling, bird-watching, cooking, drawing, wood-working, knitting again–

YOU - Cooking is the only one that seems to have really stuck. It does you good, having something to keep your hands busy that produces tangible results. It doesn’t hurt that recently, those results have been delicious.

And today, you’re finally going to do the thing you’ve wanted to do for months!

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Failure] - Sleep with Kim!

VOLITION - Khm. Ah. The other thing Harry’s wanted for months, Feel-good.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - No one appreciates genius in its time. :(

VOLITION - …

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success] - …fine. Feed Kim your food.

YOU - Homemade bread and stew may not be the fanciest fare, but they’re still good, and you’re confident that you can make them well. Kim’s going to come over to dinner and eat something you’ve made him, and he’s going to enjoy himself.

LOGIC - This is going to go over better than the scarf did.

YOU - You pause, momentarily, in your kneading.

EMPATHY - Hey, he said he liked the scarf!

RHETORIC [Easy: Success] - No, he said it was ‘thoughtful.’

EMPATHY - Which is a way to say you like something!

LOGIC - If he liked it so much, why doesn’t he ever wear it?

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] - It was a little…lumpy.

INLAND EMPIRE - Warm, soft white wool, cloud-like under your fingers. You were in the craft store for a case and touched it in passing–you left without it. That night you thought of aerostatic pilots with long white scarves to ward off the chill of interinsulary travel; you thought of Kim, blowing warm air over his cold fingers in alleyways and turning up the collar of his coat. You went back to that little store a day later.

HAND EYE COORDINATION - I did my best! Speaking of which–

YOU - Idly, your hands move. The warm dough stretches, elastic under your hands. You’ve oiled a bowl already; you put your dough into it for its first rise and cover it.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - Like the pupa in its chrysalis: warm, enclosed, waiting for change.

YOU - With your stew cooking and your bread rising, there’s not much else you need to do in the kitchen. You putter out to your living room with the intention of tidying up, but it’s…honestly not that bad?

COMPOSURE - Khm. Yeah. That would be from the compulsive nervous cleaning you already did a few hours ago. I can only hold this ship together so much, and luckily this time, the nervous energy was constructive!

LOGIC - Kim’s been to your apartment before, Harry. He’s seen it worse than this.

YOU - The only other thing you were planning to do was pick out a post-meal board game. You don’t have very many board games–they’re expensive–but you’ve started a little collection since Martinaise, and you’re hoping Kim will want to play one tonight. You think you’ve narrowed it down to two options, Beyond the Pale–

ENCYCLOPEDIA - A two to four player semi-cooperative game about aerostatic pilots lost in the Pale, desperately trying to repair their aerostatic while fending off possibly-hallucinatory creatures from the Pale–but the pilots may have hidden motives…

YOU - And Tailor Made.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - A shorter, but very charming two to four player game about sewing custom blankets to attract various cats to sleep on them.

YOU - But maybe only giving Kim two options is too restrictive? Maybe you should just pull your whole collection out and let him pick?

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] - Harry. Try taking a deep breath.

YOU - You take a deep breath.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You can breathe deeper than that! Put your diaphragm into it!

YOU - You take a second, deeper, manlier breath. Then you take another, because real athletes always give 110%.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Your hands stop shaking.

YOU - Oh.

EMPATHY - Yes, oh.

YOU - I was panicking, wasn’t I?

EMPATHY - Mmhm. Want to make a guess about why, Harry?

YOU -

What is this, introspection? Self-awareness? I don’t like it. Real men keep their mysterious emotions bottled up inside their chiseled and rugged chests until they, for unrelated reasons, abruptly die of bleeding ulcers or heart attacks. (Opt out)

I can do this. I can have a whole entire thought about my emotional state and I probably won’t even cry about it. (Opt in).

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] - In the halls of Precinct 41, Satellite Officer Jean Vicquemare is abruptly struck by the irrational feeling that he owes Patrol Officer Judit Minot 5 reál. He shakes his head, and the baffling certainty passes.

YOU - In preparation for this terrifying new endeavor, you take a quick lap of your living room. Then you close your eyes very tightly–

LOGIC - Is that really a necessary step?

EMPATHY - Shush.

YOU - And you confront the question. Why are you worrying?

YOU -

Because you want tonight to go well.

Because since minute one of your haphazard reentry into this world, it’s been a little bit about Kim, hasn’t it? Not all about Kim–he would hate the thought of that–but a little. His Kineema called you back to life. When everything in the world was terrifying and nonsensical, he was a steady point against which you could orient yourself. You rebuilt yourself painstakingly, and he didn’t help, exactly, but he gave you grace. He was gentle with you when you stumbled.

And in the months since Martinaise, he’s continued to be your friend. He’s not perfect, and neither are you. There have been arguments, and doubts, and low points. But when you need him to have your back, he has. Every time.

And it’s not that you want to repay him, exactly, because you don’t owe him. But tonight, you want him to feel warm, and well fed, and appreciated. You want him to feel good with you. Because of you.

….because you love him.

YOU - You get the oddest feeling that there was a more honest choice you could have made–a thought there you turned back from fully confronting. But that’s a silly thing to think about! Haha. Ha. Phew. Emotions sure are hard. Good thing you won’t be looking directly at yours again any time soon.

EMPATHY - …Harrier.

YOU - Anyway, that was a productive realization: you really want tonight to go well! And you definitely know exactly what you can do to make that happen, and to not have to think any more deeply about this whole thing: make dessert!!

EMPATHY - …I give up. I don’t get paid enough to manage this mess.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Amen, brother.

…

YOUR APARTMENT - By the time Kim knocks on your door that evening, you’ve got the stew ready in the nicest bowl you own, homemade bread waiting on a cutting board beside it, and a berry crumble ready to pop in the oven once dinner gets started. Your slightly-lopsided kitchen table is as neatly set as your mismatched silverware allows for. Your apartment is clean. Your boardgame choices are set out. You’re all set to woo–khm. What an odd slip. You’re ready to impress the hell out of Kim.

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim knocks on your door at 19:30 on the dot, precisely on time. When you open the door–

REACTION SPEED [Easy: Success] - HE IS WEARING THE SCARF.

KIM KITSURAGI - With his collar turned up, and the scarf tucked in around his neck, the lumpiness of it is less noticeable than it was in your memory. He looks warm, and comfortable. For no particular reason, your breath catches in your chest.

YOU - “You look nice!”

KIM KITSURAGI - Taken slightly aback, Kim blinks.

SUGGESTION [Medium: Failure] - Uh, shit. Uh–try saying more? That’ll fix this.

YOU - “In my scarf, I mean. Or–your scarf. Because I gave it to you, so it’s–it’s your scarf.”

PERCEPTION [Medium: Success] - Kim’s smiling, now. It’s small, but it’s there.

YOU - “I should probably invite you inside.”

KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes, detective. Unless you’re planning to serve dinner on your doorstep.”

YOU - You lead Kim inside, and offer to take his coat. Kim shrugs out of his coat and scarf and watches with a faint air of confusion as you hang them up on coat hooks for him–something he could very easily do himself. Out of the bright orange jacket which you sometimes privately think of as his armor, Kim always looks a little softer and smaller. It’s a good look.

KIM KITSURAGI - When you pull out a chair at your kitchen table for him, Kim goes still, briefly. His dark eyes search your face for something, and you’re not sure exactly what he sees. “Detective,” he says.

RHETORIC - He sounds almost wary.

COMPOSURE [Medium: Failure] - Unable to bear the weight of his gaze, you wave vaguely towards his seat at the table. “Go ahead. Sit down, get started. I’ll just–uh. Pop in the crumble.”

YOU - If you take longer than you need to, strictly speaking, to find your oven mitts, open your oven, and set the dessert in–if you wait until you’re sure you’ve heard Kim’s weight settle into his chair, and the click of serving utensils–well. Hopefully the other detective in the room isn’t going to call you on it!

KIM KITSURAGI - By the time you join him at the table, Kim has in fact started eating–he, like many other people who grew up in the years following the Antecentennial Revolution, doesn’t tend to leave food sitting long before tucking in.

INLAND EMPIRE - Memories of hungrier days linger long after they’re gone. You’d know, Harry.

KIM KITSURAGI - He passes the cutting board towards you, an evenly-cut slice waiting for you there. “It’s all very good. Thank you.”

COMPOSURE [Challenging: Success] - The sting in your eyes comes as a surprise, but you blink, hard, and manage to push it back before you do something horribly embarrassing like cry over Kim complimenting your food.

KIM KITSURAGI - Kim settles a hand on your elbow, gently.

REACTION SPEED - Not fast enough for Kim not to notice, though.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] - Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi is an excellent detective. From the moment you opened your door, he’s been gathering evidence: your uncommonly clean living room, the way you took his coat, the way you pulled out a chair for him. Nothing you do goes unnoticed. He’s coming close to a conclusion, now.

EMPATHY - Are you actually willing to hear it?

YOU -

Distract him. Open your mouth, say something outrageous, and draw his attention away.

[Volition: Challenging] - Look at Kim, and wait for what he has to say.

VOLITION [Challenging: Success] - You steel yourself. It’s difficult to meet Kim’s eyes–those eyes that, for all their far-sightedness, see so much–but you bring yourself to do it. You wait.

KIM KITSURAGI - “Detective.” He pauses a moment, then, “Harry. You know you don’t need to impress me.”

YOU - “Can’t I want to?” Suddenly the words are bubbling up at your lips, urgent. “Don’t you deserve to be impressed, Kim?”

RHETORIC - You know that sounds like–

EMPATHY - Shut. Up.

YOU - “I just want you to stay. For good food, and for berry crumble, and for–to trounce me at board games, after. I want you to have a good time with me. Is that too much?”

PERCEPTION [Challenging: Success] - Kim lets out a very controlled breath. He’s looking at you very steadily.

KIM KITSURAGI - “No, Harry. That’s not too much.” His hand tightens for a moment on your elbow, and then he lets go. He takes the bowl from in front of you, and ladles stew into it, setting it back in front of you full. “Eat, before it gets cold, hmm?”

YOU - The rational thing to do would be to do as Kim says, but instead you say, like a child in need of reassurance, “So you’re staying?”

KIM KITSURAGI - There’s something in the way he’s looking at you, now, that you cannot fully parse. “Yes, I’ll stay.” He looks away with a smile–an almost private little curve of his lips. “We have plenty of time.”

#beautiful fic full of comfort #a very lovely read!#harry du bois #kim kitsuragi #disco elysium

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