ocean-anchored

[ocean-anchored]

Continued... April 25, 24

April 22 - Went to a new Dr which was great & then worked super late April 23 - Worked until it was time to see Sasha. We went to Orchard which was good but super expensive, super great vibe though & plants everywhere. Loved it & it was really good to chat with Sasha. SHe's been going through a tough time with long distance so it was nice that she opened up a bit & we really got to chat & connect. April 24 - Went for korean at a place nearby me with Meliss, again it was so great to catch up with her. Talked about her moving out too which will be exciting! I haven't told her about coleson yet, wasn't really the time & we talked about her mostly which Im totally ok with, but again, just loving my time with her & rebuilding April 25 - Today! Again just non stop work. Mom came by this afternoon for a good dog walk which was a good break. Then been working for the rest of this evening. Things have been pretty good all around. I've been feeling a bit disconnected from Amber but I think its internal & I feel like it's probably just me & then pushing away. Im going over tmrw night though so hopefully that'll help, it's been like over 10 days since we last hung out which I've really missed her. Its tough now with leaving for 4-6 days and then trying to squeeze everyone in. Kamber cancelled on me which sucks so thats going to have to wait another two weeks before Im back again ugh. Coleson has been back working hard so he's had long days too, we're both burnt out so it's been tough connecting & feeling like we're connecting on a deeper level but we both realize it & talk about it which is nice at least. He said again today that he's just ready to move forward this year & that with August being my lease being up that it's a good time. I keep wondering if I'm following my heart or my head or God but I feel like I get these confirmations & signs. It just feels so right, a different right than I've ever felt before. It'll be a learning curve for sure with country life though. Nova's been loving it, even though she's so darn co-dependant. Im trying hard to make her be a farm dog but the Saturday last week all the dogs were over & they were playing & she started to run with them which was great. I had taken a walk to Coleson's moms house for a quick hello which was nice & really tuckered her out but now she knows the area which is great. Anyway, im mentally exhausted & really need to relax so im signing off.

#personal #dear future self #life update #dearfutureself #journal update

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... April 25, 24

Once again sucking at keeping up. Then so much has been happening that I feel like it's too much to write about so I keep postponing but it's time. April 8 - Went for sushi with Amber and we did our book review April 9 - Coleson came late that evening April 10 - Coleson, Amber, Nayton & I drove up to edmonton to watch the Oilers Knights game! Stayed at aunt sissy's which was great to catch up with her. Went to BPs before the game. The game was great, Oilers won 6-1 I think, it was rough but we got lots of great photos & it was fun. April 11 - Drove back after lunch, coleson stayed that evening April 12 - Had a games night, Coleson had to leave in the morning for work which sucked but we had a small games night since people dropped last minute. Amber, Kamber, Tyson and Amanda. Kamber & Tyson came earlier with their pups which was fun & they said they're seeing a house in Bassano which is only 50 mins from Coleson! So exciting. April 13 - Relaxed for the day, did some baking. Went to Jeremiah's for games night which was decent, played a fun Llama game which I want to get. Jeremiahs gf was there so got to meet her. April 14 - Went to church with mom, Sharon & Paul and then to Phils for brunch which was great & so nice to catch up with them. Took nova out and then went to Amandas for a cake baking night with Carina. We did tree stumps with mushrooms, super impressed with how it turned out. It was late but a lot of fun! April 15 - Met with Meliss to catch up & reconcile. This was great. We already broke the ice so it was good to start to catch up & then we got into things & just had a completely open chat about how things went down, how we felt, how we got through it, forgiveness etc. It was so healthy & so good to reconcile. We sat in my car for another hour chatting so we spent about 4 hours. Im so so happy for this. Such a blessing & answer to pray to reconcile. April 16 - Drove out to Coleson's April 17 - this week of work was ridiculous. I essentially had to redo my work 3 times for everything i was doing because i kept getting access to more things that helped clear up communication. It was very stressful week & was working very long hours. I worked till 7pm then went to Colesons moms house to make the whipped cream for his cake. We sat down & his dad came in after & we chatted for a few hours just us which was really nice to get more time with them. It was about 3-3.5 hours! April 18 - Colesons birthday! he got to go do a golf session & I worked. Went to his parents for a full family dinner & celebration which was nice, then we relaxed & watched Kung Fu panada together before he gamed April 19 - Worked a lot & then his friends came over. Ended up just being the guy but it was fine. We played jackbox which was fun, definitely took a bit for me to feel the room but I think we all had a great time & It sounded like the guys liked me so that's great. April 20 - I think we just relaxed & slept in a lot. It was first day of playoffs so we watched that & I worked a bit. Pretty lazy day which I needed. April 21 - Coleson went for a golf club fitting & worked. Then relaxed for a short bit in the afternoon before I left around supper time. He gave me his house key. Told me he wanted me to always feel like I can come, no matter if hes home or not. It was a really sweet gesture. I worked late that night when I got home.

#personal #dear future self #life update #dearfutureself #journal update #monthly update

[ocean-anchored]

I am so in love with you.

You calm the storms inside my head. I know God is the ultimate comforter, but you surely are a very close second.

I love you so much.

#personal #cf

[ocean-anchored]

“Never forget how far you’ve come. Everything you have gotten through. All the times you have pushed on even when you felt you couldn’t. All the mornings you got out of bed no matter how hard it was. All the times you wanted to give up but you got through another day. Never forget how much strength you have learned and developed along the way.”

— Unknown (via thoughtkick)

[ocean-anchored]

Helena Kovalenko

[ocean-anchored]

[ocean-anchored]

Continued... April 7, 2024

Maybe this is the issue, we're just moving too quickly. Im terrified that we're moving too quickly & if we keep progressing like this, that hes going to wake up one day & wonder why he didn't just take this slow. Why he didn't slowly move towards seeing each other over time. Not spending days together at the very start that now if there's anything different or a shift, I sense it & I begin to question everything. A few weeks ago when we were talking about trips & the idea of maybe still going to portugal in october, & I made a comment that I wasn't sure if I should because I wasn't sure where we'd be (remembering that I've asked him all up front how he feels about me going, if he wants me to wait, if he wants me to not go, if hes uncomfortable with it, if he thinks it's a good idea etc) & then he makes a comment that maybe in november i could come spend a week with him in Arizona when he's down there for a month, & that if we were doing our "honeymoon" that it's all so close together so who knows. But it kind of just set me back a minute. By NO means would I ever hold him back from going, by no means am I upset that he wants to go. I think I was just a bit disappointed because here I was asking his opinion on me going to Portugal for 10 days & then it's like I get to hear how it sounds like he's made up his mind about this & didn't really ask how I felt, just the maybe you can come visit.... I just... I felt like I wasn't in his future at that time. I felt like maybe my opinion doesn't matter? He said last night if he starts to become better at golf & if he has a chance at pro, that he would have to treat it like a job & be going to hit balls 8 hours a day. Again, there's not problem in this. I just... I fear where I fit in. I truly do fear, how do I fit into his life? Am I just there for him to find some comfort when he's lonely? Am I 50/50 in this? Do I have a say in anything or does he not care about my opinion? I fear that I'll be... not important. That he's going to just choose going to these things & making these decisions without me, regardless that I support him, but I think it still stings if I'm not part of the solution or part of the idea. But here I feel like.... I plan my whole future around him. I can't even commit to anything 6-8 months from now because I've got this idea in my head that he's been playing with that we'll be getting married & so I feel like I've put things on hold because he's more important to me. & this summer he's got so much golf, I just fear that I'm going to be this girl chasing behind him everywhere he goes. I'm scared I'm going to be an accessory again. I'm scared that I'm going to give up my life, being close to my friends, my family, to come here & not feel at home. Not feel like I fit in. This is his house, his things set up, his space. I work from home. I am always home. I fear that he's not ready for that, he's not ready for someone to creep in & take over areas of his life because he's been on his own & in his own space for so long. I am terrified let me tell you. It's unsettling. I'm happy here. I really am, I love being out here. I fear missing my connections & my friends. I really do fear that I'm going to be too much. That I'm used to seeing my family & friends so much that if/when I'm out here, that I'll cling on to him, wanting more of his time, more of his touch & that it'll be too much for him because he's not used to it. I continue to fear being too much. I fear I love him too much, more than he could love me.

#personal #dear future self #life update #cf

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... April 7, 2024

My overthinking brain. Everything's felt so perfect, I knew it was going to hit me one day, & probably pretty hard. Given that I feel so much & so deeply. The worst part, is it's not even really that he's done anything wrong. I just have narrowed into every little detail & have picked it apart to create these stories that are probably untrue & yet here I am, I barley slept & I'm ready to pack up & go home now. It's 9:27am on a sunday morning. I don't know how it started, I think the major components is because I've been on my period so I know I'm more emotional & my poor hormones I feel are so out of whack still. The other side is I'm mentally burnt out. I needed this quiet weekend & appreciated it. But like he said last night... because we've been intimate, now there's consequence that my mind is flooded when he doesn't touch me. I think there's something wrong with me, or I'm overstaying my welcome. The last few days I've heard him say to a few people that I'm leaving sunday, maybe monday, which has sat in the back of my mind, ok maybe he wants me to leave sunday. Noted. Then last night when he asks & I say that I'll probably leave tomorrow (being today) he acts surprised. We have a small conversation about the feelings & that I shouldn't feel like that, it's a learning curve for him but he likes me being here. I try to just accept it, but I still feel off. I already always feel like a bag of coal when I'm on my period, so now I feel worse when he doesn't touch me as much, & it's stupid because I know it's just because he can't touch me. I get it, but my brain doesn't. I feel so... far. & when I can't shake the feeling I just try to go wash my face. When I come back & lay down, I feel like I've done something, he's got his chew in which means no more kisses & he barley touches me. Again, I've been pushing away. So once again I can't pretend I'm not crying there so I go to the bathroom. He catches me & I go lay down. I "try" to explain this, but it feels impossible to be able to explain a crazy brain to someone who doesn't understand & someone who hasn't really done anything wrong. But I try. I try to explain that I feel disconnected & that I don't feel like he wants me etc. He holds me for a few mins & tells me it's not true. Mind you, he does ask if he can do anything & know that's where I probably went wrong. I should have just asked him to stay for a bit. I guess in my head, I thought, well I'm literally crying because I said I want to be close to him & he can tell I'm hurting so maybe he'll think to stay but he doesn't. He leaves & in that moment I break just a little more. Feeling more alone. More undesired. More disconnected. I didn't have my phone or anything so I don't know what time he actually came back to bed, but I was awake. Because I was crying in the bathroom for who knows how long. he held my hand when he came to bed & fell asleep. But didn't touch me or hold me throughout the night. I just want to go home. Why do I feel like this. I am so scared. So scared that I've given my heart up so fast, to what truly does feel like the one & someone I would be so blessed to have for the rest of my days, but man is the devil really getting in my brain. Planting lies. Literally to the point that I feel like we need to take a step back. I started thinking, ok maybe I need to only visit for 2 days, 3 days max. Maybe being out here too long makes it too unsettling for him & too much to try to get used to that he needs to miss me more, because then maybe if he misses me more, he'll want to hold me more when i'm here. He'll want to kiss me more. Not get used to my presence that his physical touch slowly slips away & start questioning everything again. My thoughts have gone right into aybe he's not ready for this, he's not ready for someone to be around full time. He's never had this, his past relationships were all close enough that they didn't spend nights together.

#personal #dear future self #life update #cf

[ocean-anchored]

Continued... March 24, 2024

When I met you, I had no idea that every box could be checked. I still question how it's possible, therefore still praising God every day that he brought you into my life because it feels impossible. How could I feel this safe with someone? How could I possibly already trust someone so much? How on earth could I feel truthfully that whatever you said, was genuine & true? That you weren't hiding a part of yourself in fear of what I would think. How could it be possible to find a man so confident in himself, that he also trusts me the same amount in return? How could I have found a man that valued me? Who respected me? & when my triggers arose, someone who came from a place of understanding, from a place of love & gentleness? Someone who took responsibility for bringing something up that might have triggered me even when it wasn't his fault at all? Someone who would apologize & genuinely mean it. A man confident his relationship with God that is the center of his character. A man who love physical touch as much as I do, & who wants to be close & doesn't get tired of my presence. How could I have found a man that values honesty & transparency, who believes in fully open lines of communication. A man that creates a safe place to speak vulnerably, no matter the circumstances & supports in love & grace. How could I have found a man who's heart is pure gold? Who takes care of me & values what I bring to the table? Someone who allows me to have a voice, & to love me even if my opinion is different. Who wants to talk through issues rather than run away & hide from them, or bottle them up. How could I have found a man that thinks of the little things, & remembers the small parts about me that I don't think he pays attention to. How could I have found a man who reassures me before I even feel like I need to ask him to, who calms my overthinking brain. Who always asks if I'm okay & if I have anything on my mind, always creating a place for me to open up, no matter how big or small. A man that prays for me & prays with me. A man that pursues Gods heart & Gods will. How could I have found a man who values growth, who sees the importance of not being stagnant & getting help when needed or going to God for wisdom. A man that wants to create a home & a life, that has the same desires & dreams that I do. How could I have found a man who's slow to anger, & quick to forgive. A Man that's humble & thoughtful. How could I have found a man who's so pure & handsome on the inside & out. A man who’s changed my view on marriage & trust. A man who I can dream up a future with. A man that I desire so badly to become his wife one day. How could I have found a man who can process his feelings & isn’t afraid to share them with me. A man who shares his heart with me as much as I share mine with him. Someone who pushes me to grow, gently corrects me & makes me strive to be my best self. Someone I don’t want space from, instead I crave more time together. Someone who fills my cup rather than leaves me feeling drained after being together. I have found this man, & I am completely in love with him.

#personal #dear future self #CF

[ocean-anchored]

Continued... March 24, 2024

Which looking back, sounds crazy to say that. It's so sad to look back & see the cycle that I was stuck in & I completely recognize how unhealthy it was & how I really would have never been satisfied & any of those relationships are clear why they would never work. I really just wanted to give everything to God. I was tried of the "well, he's a really nice guy even though he doesn't have the same beliefs as me, maybe he would still treat me right because he's a nice guy". I was so tried of feeling like I wasn't enough in the end & that I was stuck in just searching for someone that I felt I needed to fix because that's what I've known. I've known how to only be needed by being able to fill a void. I was always chasing for someone that I could prove I was worthy enough to love, chasing someone that was broken & not confident in themselves so I could feel needed, because what confident, healthy man would need me if I couldn't provide that? So unhealthy, I know. This changed when I met you. It was different instantly. I have always held a part of myself back with people, even months in, I have never fully felt safe with someone. I began to really question if that was even possible, to ever truly feel safe with someone to it's entirety. I decided it was simply not real. My expectations felt too high, that I would never be able to find a man that checked every box & I constantly was sorting these boxes in my head when meeting people, categorizing which boxes were checked, which ones weren't, were any of those unchecked boxes deal breakers? Could I live with those un checked boxes? Could those un checked boxes maybe be able to be checked off as potential to change down the road if I asked enough times for something I maybe wanted? It was a never ending funnel of moving targets & moving boxes.

#personal #dear future self #CF

[ocean-anchored]

Continued... March 24, 2024

So, honestly I just can't believe it's only been 6 weeks that Coleson & I have been talking. It truly feels like months. It's been an incredible few weeks to say the least. I keep forgetting how early on we are in this. Technically today is actually one month since we officially "started dating" which I still am blown away by for how much time we've spent together & how much we've talked about & how deep the emotions are. Last night, when I told Courtney that we had only been talking for nearly two months she was surprised & when I told her that I already know he's my person, she asked me why. I always never understood when people said the cliche "when you know, you know". Whole heartedly, I didn't believe it was real. I didn't believe that was a thing, I thought that was just a nice way for someone to tell me that they had just desired greatly that that person would be their perfect match. I never really understood that it was truly a feeling. I never actually understood that it really is just knowing. In your heart, in your gut, in your spirit. I have never ever felt that with anyone. I searched for it, in the back of my mind I always wondered & I think part of me always felt a little let down when I realized months later that I still hadn't felt that with anyone, still had never felt fully safe with someone. I began to really just wonder if I would ever know, if I would ever feel that. I really started to just believe & hope that I would somehow feel good "enough" to trust my gut that someone would be the one. That I would feel safe enough to marry someone again. Even then, if I'm being honest... after I got divorced, I didn't think I would get married again. For a long time, I just believed that maybe I wasn't meant for it. I wasn't supposed to be married. Married life wasn't for me. I didn't trust it. I didn't trust that you could love someone enough to make that commitment again & I didn't believe that a man would really rise to that occasion again. I struggled with it for a long time, always allowing the words "nah, I probably won't get married again" slip from my mouth in conversations when asked. I just didn't believe it in anymore. I didn't believe that two people could be loyal enough, safe enough, or committed enough to actually last & I sure as heck did not believe that I could trust myself to ever make that decision again. I lost believing in myself for a long time. I didn't want to not believe that God was watching out for me, he knew my desires & that there would be someone who would be good for me, enough for me to make me change my mind in wanting to go through with something that was so scarring & traumatic for me. I lost a lot of hope. Mostly in myself, that I wouldn't be strong enough to really look past my feelings for someone & know if they were actually a good fit. After dating a few people, & yes still getting my heart a little bit crushed in those times, especially the last guy Zack just breaking my confidence & making me feel like I was still too damaged to ever pick someone right for me again. I lost a lot of hope from that short relationship. This was all until I met Coleson. I honestly can't describe how different this is. When I tried to explain it to Courtney, I felt crazy. Saying that he's everything opposite of the guys I've dated, he's everything that I had actually been looking for in a healthy way. Instead of falling for my trauma bondage of running in circles of toxic highs, instead of searching for someone that I felt I needed to prove that they could love me, rather than them just feeling that way on their own, instead of looking for someone that checked a handful of boxes, but didn't check the most important ones of respect, loyalty, honesty, real communication, safety & ultimately our faith aligning.

#personal #dear future self #CF

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... March 24, 2024

Last weekend I was trying to catch up, but it's been 3 weeks now that have absolutely blown by. So I think I touched on being out at Coleson's for the first time. It's getting hard to remember the weeks now since it's been a while since I wrote. I keep pushing it off because there's so much stacking up but I need to just recap everything. Let's try to do some short bullet points: March 8: - Went to Ambers for a BFF paint night. Had so much fun, me, Naythan & her did a paint night where we passed the canvas' every 2 mins & continued painting what as given. -Drove out to Coleson that night Had a great weekend at Coleson's. March 9: -Lounged and relaxed together -Went to his parents place for a family dinner -Got to meet his sister & her husband -Really enjoyed getting to know them all better -Went to his brothers for a movie night with his nieces who are so sweet & fun -Sounds like Ari is now calling me Auntie which absolutely warms my heart Stayed out there till Tuesday evening March 13: -Went to play unleashed with Naythan & the dogs -Naythan asked me to start figuring out what Amber wants for a ring -I almost cried right there -Had a really great 1:1 time with him March 14: -Coleson comes to visit the weekend -Went to the Knights/Flames game with Kamber, Tyson and Daniel March 15: -Met Shem & his gf Dre (Coleson's friends) and went to Sweet Loretta for dinner -Went to the roughnecks game with Tyson, Kamber, Shem & Dre March 16: -Relaxing morning together -Coleson met Ed & Tae Young -Ed gave me the green light that they both heard from the Holy Spirit that it's safe to move forward with him -Also almost cried here -Went to Newcastle pub with Coleson & Cody to watch the oilers game, I can't believe Cody came out but it was fun March 17: -Went to church with mom & coleson -Went for coffee after for mom to meet Coleson, had a great time. Mom later gave the green light that she likes him & seems like a good man March 19: -Went to Okotoks where chrystal & I talked about my leaving, new girl starts April 1 -Went to Sasha's place for dinner, she made me some home made indian dishes which were soooo good. Was really nice to catch up with her again, she just came back from India -Drove out to visit Coleson Stayed out there till Friday afternoon March 22: -Went to Play unleashed for Rue's birthday March 23: Ambers birthday! -Started out at Yoga -Went to OEB for breakfast -Went to Machi Machi for bubble tea -Went to Village Craft for wine making -Between break, let nova out & got ready before heading to Ambers -Amber opened presents -Went to Copper Branch for dinner where Coleson met us -Went to Aussie Rules where Courtney, Ali, Nic & Daniel surprised Amber joining Overall was a fantastic day and night, Amber I believe had a really great day. March 24: -Slept in & lounged with Coleson for the morning -Walked Nova to my car at Aussie Rules -Worked for a bit & now here writing. That's my recap of the last few weeks. I want to write a separate note just about processing some feelings about Coleson

#personal #dear future self #life update #journal update #dearfutureself

[ocean-anchored]

Continued... March 17, 2024

I just don't understand how we went from being so damn close to this. To me feeling like it's impossible to talk to her, like she's literally cut almost her whole family out. She's got no good relationships with any family, who actually knows if she has true accountability people in her life that actually challenge her, it's just so sad. It just hurts so much that she could throw away our relationship like that... & that I feel like I had been there for her through some of her dark times & it just feels like for me back it's just not worth it for her? I dont know but boy do I need to pray & give this to God, cause I'm hurting. To I guess try to get back into the happier side of things. Maybe I'll just start a new post to separate things because I don't want to hold these emotions here.

#personal #dear future self #life update

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... March 17, 2024

First I just need to vent because I'm triggered & angry. Before I continue & try to end on a happier note of how things are going. I am seriously so beyond frustrated with this whole situation with Meliss. I keep sitting here staring at this because I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm mad. I'm bitter. I'm so sad & part of my wonders why. I know we had what felt like such a close relationship & I just don't understand how we've gotten here. Especially after how I felt like I've been there through her brutal times, through pregnancy, Grayson's birth & her "rebellious" phase of being lost & how she treated me & didn't have any mental energy for me so long after. I think I just feel so hurt by her. That after everything, & that it had gotten to the point of yah I started to see someone, maybe wasn't extremely proud of who they were but her empathy was just... gone through that. I didn't feel like she was much caring then or supportive & her way of support was a 2.5 hour voice note telling me how I've been doing bad, how wrong I've been acting & that she's on this perfect path with God that she can speak into my life & point out all these issues in my life critically but not actually creating an open space. Don't get me wrong, I know how things went down before this, my approach in talking to her definitely wasn't the best, & I know that I deflected a handful of things as well, but I felt like she had the dad talk with me which was so triggering especially considering she had literally just gotten her life back on track & somehow believed she could be the leader in telling me how to act rather than gently talking to me. She crushed my entire feeling experience of the time working up to that point, & took zero responsibility for any of it so yes I understand that I came in hot & certainly wasn't in the best headspace so I get that. But we have always been able to reconcile. We've always been able to send an ice breaker in some way & find our way back. I know she tried to do that a few short months after things happened & yeah I wasn't ready that's for sure. But then I tried to back & she was cold about it. Of course she missed my birthday which was so typical as a family thing & that just dug the bitterness in even more. I probably shouldn't have wished her a happy birthday because when she replied, I clearly felt another deeper stab that hurt even more that she would reply right away & it just felt like I wasn't important to her. I've really been struggling, missing her a lot these last few months & obviously desiring to reconcile with her & sending her a miss you & love you text again I thought maybe would be an ice breaker to try again but it wasn't & now that I've tried to open this up to actually talk because her messages are so cold, & she responds with how she's had such a drama free life for so long that she's careful on who she lets in? Like excuse me. Are you actually joking? That you're not the dramatic one majority of the time? & to honestly think that I'm trying to reach out to cause drama for you rather than to simply want to reconcile with my sister who used to be my best friend because I miss her & want her part of my life? Like seriously. It was soul crushing. Like why am I bothering trying??? Talking to Ed about this, like I understood that I have fear in getting through this with her, fear that I'm too vulnerable for her because she's too strong minded & strong willed with much less empathy & comes on so strong like dad did, but I still wanted to make that step & at least trying to open the door to this but to have her just slam it in my face like that just made me feel like she's not ready & maybe my fears of wondering if she's really changed that much, is it true? I really had hope that she's grown.

#personal #dear future self #life update

[ocean-anchored]

Continued... March 10, 24

Monday night I was supposed to be leaving, but I got triggered. It was really interesting to see how that night unfolded. We were talking about Marc or Daniel & I had told him about well everyone & my friends & it basically got to a point where he had asked if we have deep talks & just lightly talked about how he doesn't want me to go to someone else to have talks that we should be having. Which is 100% true & fair, his feelings have been completely valid & I agreed with them. I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I got triggered (though I knew my period was coming so I knew I was extra emotional). I got triggered from past, that I was loosing him. Instantly I saw everything crumble. I thought he was upset & that I was loosing him & I didn't know how or what to say to comfort him. I broke down. He was really reassuring, & had tried to apologize for putting his fears out there, but really it wasn't his fault. He had every right to be able to talk about that & share his feelings of concern, which I was trying to give him every bit of reassurance that there was nothing that would happen, that I would never do anything to put myself in a situation that would cause me to loose him. I had taken myself to the bathroom to try to regroup & he came in after & I asked if he could pray. Honestly it was the most healthiest night... I had no clue that something like that could turn into something so health to talk through. It was completely new, so reassuring. i stayed that night & the next morning before he went to work & talked about it a bit more & discussed where we were coming from & how we were feeling, which essentially was the exact same, that neither of us wanted to loose the other. It was amazing. It really made me feel like we would be able to tackle anything.

#personal #dear future self #life update #dearfutureself #CF

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... March 10, 24

Dang these last two weeks have flown by. I'm going to try not to make this too long, but a lot has happened. So after my last post, I had spent Friday night with Amber, we went out for sushi together to review our book club book we finished. It was a really great evening. We really hit some good topics of discussion. We had highlighted some things from the book & then expanded on it. We talked about being a perfectionist & how to help your brain out of that rhythm of negative talk. We discussed some more areas where our childhood molded us into how we thought today & we actually talked about God & religion. How being humble & grateful was such an underrated thing in this world, that it seems though that's the main thing that really gets you through, good & bad. It's kind of amazing. How being grateful really gets you through some tough times, it's probably the main thing that has gotten me through everything it has thus far with God's strength. Then we went back to Ambers and played some board games with Naythan. Saturday I spent the day cleaning up & prepping for fam to come over for early dinner. Mom, Steven & amanda came over. We had dinner & played some games, it was really good to spend time together. It really has been a long time since we've all been together. I ended up telling them that night about Coleson. I was so nervous. I had kind of worked myself up to a point of feeling like maybe I would chicken out but I prayed & just asked God that if there was a good time to share it that I would be able to. Obviously it turned out really good & their reactions were really reassuring. I think because they know that I wouldn't bring anyone up unless it was serious. I've never introduced them to someone outside of Travis, so I think they know that I'm actually proud of calling him my boyfriend. I ended up driving out to Coleson that night, even though it had blizzard all weekend. The drive wasn't too bad. When I got there, he had all the lights off & had candles on his dining table with a bouqet of flowers & a hand written letter. I just about melted. It was so special & I haven't felt that special in a really long time. Honestly, the way he treats me is just... something else. He's so respectful & honoring. I really can't even thank God enough. I read his letter which he had planned out to tell me he loves me. Never have I said I love you so quickly to someone but man have I felt it... to every degree. I didn't know you could really love someone so quickly, so deeply. If I'm honest, in the past, I've said it more so when I've been infatuated with someone or just really enjoyed them & time with them, but has it really felt like true, deep, breath taking love? No, It's definitely never compared to this before. We spent Sunday relaxing & he showed me around the farm. We went for tacos & then to a church service at 6:30pm. Again, never have I gone to church with someone I love. It was a new experience & a new feeling. Something that I've really been looking for for so long. I met his cousin Frankie, she was incredibly sweet. Went for ice cream after & then went to meet his parents before home. I was pretty nervous to meet them, not that I've had any parents not like me before but this felt different. I was a bit intimidated, I think part of me feels like maybe Im out of place here? yet it's all I've ever really dreamed of. I think I just don't feel like I'm living my own life because it's really just a dream. His parents were really sweet. His mom is hilarious & I really think that we'll get a long really great & his dad is a bit quite but I think it was good. Monday we both worked, it was nice to stay during the week to get a feel for what life would be like on a day to day, not just a weekend.

#personal #dear future self #life update #dearfutureself #CF

[ocean-anchored]

continued... February 29, 24

Coleson drove in a bit earlier, arriving around 6/6:30pm. I was so nervous. Even after all our FT's every night, I was still worried about our physical attraction in person. I was already attracted to him, I just wasn't sure how it would be in real life. We had a big hug when he came & had 15-20ish mins at my place before heading to ambers. He did kiss me which was obviously great. Ambers was really good too. He was a bit quiet at first which obviously, like he did great for literally just meeting me in person & then going to my best friends house hahah. We played catan which was fun, Amber won again surprise surprise. That night we stayed up till like 6am... cuddling, talking etc. It was crazy but we talked & covered so much. It felt so comfortable with him which was such a new feeling. I had never ever felt like I was 100% safe with someone in all areas except with him. I also love kissing him which is lovely. Our physical attraction... lets just say we both don't worry about that which is obviously a huge relief. We both were a bit worried about how it would be & if we would be compatible that way & like if it was awkward at all & it wasn't at all. He's so incredibly respectful & honoring. He officially asked me to be his GF that night which was so cute. We slept a few hours & listened to a sermon together in the morning instead of church which was really great. I went for food prep & he visited his friend. We went for a walk afterwards & prepared to go for dinner with amber & naythan but they had to cancel as Rue was having an allergic reaction. We ended up going to The Dorset for dinner which was nice. Had another really great night together cuddling & being so open about everything. It's seriously an insane breath of fresh air. Monday morning he headed home. Work was good & we FT'd that night. Tuesday work was good & I went to okotoks for the afternoon. He ended up coming back in town Tuesday evening because he was slow at work & we missed each other. We went for dinner, was supposed to be mexican but went to Olea instead & that was still good. Yet another amazing night together. Wednesday morning I had my meeting & then we went to Diner Deluxe for brunch. After coming home he was going to be leaving. He may have dropped the 3 words on me which I knew & felt was coming. He had traced in on my skin earlier that morning. He's such a cheesy romantic it's seriously so sweet, like idk how but he's everything I ever wanted or could dream. I really believed that I wouldn't have it all. I truly did not believe there was a man that would check every box, including how i wanted all these tiny little one off things that shouldn't matter but I secretly wished someone had & i've never had that in someone ever, or they would lack a huge other important side if they did have those little things. Like he likes to cuddle ALL NIGHT which I adore. He thinks of these really cute little things, he gets my car door, his love language is physical touch but he still does things in public. He's always complimenting me & makes me feel so special. His prayers are always so good, he even remembers to pray for my family things. He remembers all these little details that I didn't think he'd pick up on. He tucked the blankets in around me in the middle of hte night when he thought I was sleeping. Like he's a true gentleman, it's unreal. Like literally un believable that God connected us... Ed is so happy for us which is so sweet & great. Im nervous to tell my fam about him only because It feels so soon but seriously, when you know you know. Im really excited for them to meet him because Im honestly so proud to call him mine, I want them to meet him & love him.

I'm really just in awe. I can't wait to go out there this weekend & most likely meet some of his family. Who knew. God's timing is wild & God's plans absolutely outdid anything I ever imagined. I am literally the most blessed with this man. I can't thank God enough for bringing him into my life... like I think I just found my absolute dream man & he's already mine. Praise Jesus.

#personal #dear future self #life update #dearfutureself #CF