oddlymysteriousphoenix

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#100 1:01am February 23

I never knew it would end this way. Making it to my 100th post. There's no sense of achievement, it's just there. With my regretful actions and living in the past are filled within my mind, I hope it drains out by the time I awake tomorrow. I wasn't close on predicting the future, can't tell if that's a bad thing. My dreams haven't been reached at all, still stuck in the same circle of personal boring insanity. Living life on replay, except it's a new day of doing it. To be honest, I don't know how to end this. Seeing what I've collected and let go of from the years passing by, experiencing the slow change that still feels the same. Honestly, I've never been more afraid of the future. I'll have to work on getting something out of my life, to be a good person and have the dreams achieved. My dreams, the dream. Never in my whole life have I felt more of an outcast, a person who doesn't belong anywhere or maybe even anyone. I can still remember how my journal ended in the one I've physically written in, surely that is a lot more of a positive ending compared to this one. Oh, how I wish my life was simply better. I miss certain people, I have my regrets even from a few hours ago. I guess all things come to an end, even this. Although I'll continue writing, it'll be somewhere else. This is the end road, the end game, the end of the flame that burned ever so weakly, vanished. I have no words of advice, not even for motivation. Hopefully this won't be a sad ending, but just an ending. Maybe one day I'll look back on this and do I hope with all that I am, that I'll be 100 times better in where I am in life compared to now. I'll get there, alone or dead, I'll get there. After all, I'm still alive for now. Might as well keep going somewhere, a place I could call home. A life that I'm proud to say that's mine.

This is the end, but yet it will live on as time goes on.

Beyond what I can see.

Good night, world.

-1:17am

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#99 1:01pm February 18

Laying in bed is an irreplaceable feeling after a long day of mental stress. I guess I could say this week was pretty okay. I was finally able to see Miss Jones again this past Thursday. She was glad to see me and I was glad to see her. She gave me an update of what happened, she isn't doing the greatest with all that's happening, but she's managing. She was going to drive me home after I asked from walking below the flames of the sun, but she had this meeting to go to. I'll be going back this coming Thursday. I was supposed to go to Bubba's house yesterday, but I was too tired from staying up late which was my fault. In this room, I've been thinking a lot about myself and my friends. I've been noticing a shift in friends, but I guess that's okay. Marielle has always been busy these days, reminds me of Alyssa except she hasn't disappeared. I wouldn't be surprised if she did, she's never going to come to the US unlike what she told me before a change of plans due to her parents. I do have some friends in college, some more, but I'm too lazy to mention them at the moment. I've been wanting to have some love in my life, as in the romantic kind. After waiting for so long for Alyssa and getting so little before she just left made me feel cheated on. Some nights feel as maybe I actually will be alone forever. Death always feels close by, but you can't rush love. Or maybe a nice group of friends I can stick with would be great. At least that, I don't know. No matter what I do gives me the impression that no one really cares in what I do. I have the drive to go do things, but not in the right atmosphere to do it in. Most days I just have the drive to end it all. I won't do it, certainly not. It's simply to express how out of the will to live I have left within. I don't know what I'll do now, but hopefully just something will come by to help.

-1:25pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#98 10:37am February 15

Yet again, another day of class with Langlas always gets me going for the day. I've been having a somewhat good week and that's not something I'll admit from the streaks of bad weeks in this year. I got myself some flowers, it was to make myself feel loved as I know no one around would bother giving me flowers. Alyssa hasn't returned, maybe I should just mentioning her due to what she did. Whatever, I'm doing just okay. I wish I could be doing better, I'm sure I'm not alone in that. On Saturday, I plan to go to Bubba's house so that will be wonderful. I'll be bringing my Xbox and guitar along with me, I wonder what will come out of it. Bubba is one unique fellow. We go way back, back before time existed I must say, he and other friends I've known. A few days ago was my mom's birthday. I gave her some chocolate from a vending machine. Oh, and I gave the flowers to my mom and grandma saying it was theirs to keep. And now Brenda is here so I'll leave it here.

-10:45am

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#97 4:16pm February 10

Awful, simply awful. Bad choices everywhere in what I do. I feel as I'm the living dead or simply emotionally dead. With Alyssa still gone, I'm having trust issues with people. More often my friends are occupied so there are days where I barely chat with them. Still looking for that family of friends, but it's nowhere around. I haven't spoken to Jaden in ages, funny thing that I see her around college. Erin is around, we text a bit. She's still searching for someone to date, which she has one now, wonder how long it'll last. I wish she would stop smoking, honestly. Reminds me that Krispy drinks often too, worries me due to the fact she does it often and her liver isn't doing fantastic. Along with her stress, poor girl. Marielle is emotionless often from her display of text. Today I looked at some photos and continue to wonder if I should delete or keep the photos of people I don't talk to anymore. So many photos of Alyssa, feels haunting as I'm certain she's not coming back. In a way, I wish she doesn't due to the fact that I've always been there when she hasn't. Yes, I acknowledge the situations she's in, I'm not wishing her to suffer or die I would never wish that. Ah, feeling extremely pointless to everyone now, so useless. I still have yet to start upon my practicing for guitar. New strings I'll be getting soon, soon as in by the time I go into a guitar store which is rare. On the very small bright side, Bubba gave me a game which he got for free. He didn't want it, Civilization 6. Played it for a bit, but it's not the same as 5, obviously. It plays differently, can't tell if it's in a good way or not. This month is getting sour as last month, I just feel bad. Simply bad, nothing can change that right now, if only something could. A miracle is needed as I'm deep under the waves of cold misery.

-4:38pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#96 6:22 February 1

I don't think I could summarize on how down I feel at this very moments. Some friends of mine are getting distant or they're still distant as always. Marielle is being awkwardly distant, I wouldn't doubt it if it was because she read my journal or something. I'm starting to think that I shouldn't share it with anyone this time. No strength in telling what has happened recently, I'm all out of motivation from doing anything. I tried to play guitar for a bit just a few minutes ago, I felt awful from how little I can play on it, I don't know how I can grow my skills. I'm still the same Kevin everyone gets tired of eventually. It hurts, this world is a confusing one that can never be simplified. Currently going through this passive frustration, just so frustrated that this is who I am currently. Completely disappointed, why have I don't this to myself ? Not feeling sorry for myself, just feeling stupid beyond any measures. I swear that I have this look or act that drives people away within some time. No one is around forever. I do want to get somewhere, I hate this feeling. Doesn't help that I can't sing because I'm sick once more, how lovely. No matter how close I can get to someone, not even if I hold their heart, they simply vanish. Here I am not knowing what to do, feeling childish for simply complaining. What's wrong with me ? Why am I like this ? Making the same mistakes over and over. What tragedy, what failure. To be in college and yet still be nothing in this state of limbo, a state where nothing good happens. I want to do the things I want to do, that's all I want to do, that's as simply I can make it. I need to push myself, I need to jump into the life I want to land myself into. The world is confusing, I'll play for myself, if I die poor or homeless, so be it. I don't know where to end this so I'll just end it here as I'll probably waste another day or maybe something will help me out for once. I don't know.

-6:39pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#95 1:08pm January 24

Tragedy struck at the heart with the odd disappearance of Alyssa from my life. For some reason she removed me from Snapchat and she stoped following me on Instagram. I'm hurt, more than hurt, but hurt is all I can feel ever since I discovered it this morning. I don't know what I did wrong, my chest has this sinking feeling inside. I'm hungry too, but I'm not in the mood for eating. To think that 2018 would be better is turning out to be a constant suffering reality of myself. Losing friends, lost my girlfriend, increasing stress, and still stuck here with nothing to get me out of this mess. Grade A loser is what I'm feeling, a complete disaster. The bright side of yesterday was that I was able to talk to Chaimae over Skype and it was wonderful, we managed yo communicate very well as Skype tends to be a very trashy app to talk over. Anyway, with Alyssa, or should I say without Alyssa, I feel as if I'm in shambles within me. I know she was always busy, but for her to do this, I hope I am completely wrong. I tend to mention things to people too early than things to be sure by. Quick addition, I also managed to talk to Hannah shortly after Brenda came by to sit down, she mentioned of a chalk event at this fancy street in this nameless city, so hopefully I'll see her there. Hah, I wonder what I did wrong with Alyssa? To simply vanish like that, I simply don't know what I did for it. It feels odd, just odd. For I never saw it coming, I have my suspicions, but nothing that can actually be solid. I can't say I'll move on, I'm not even sure on what's going on. To know that she removed me so that I can't even go back to her messages to hear her voice or see her pictures just knocks me down 12 feet under the ground. I'll get up, I know that. January has been putting me to the edge to jump off some bridge or something to put away this constant condition of not wanting to live. Typing that makes me feel childish, to actually mention this to anyone just sounds like a bad idea. It sounds as if I need attention, I probably do, therapy always sounds great, but I'll never get to it anytime soon unlike my friends. I'm simply getting afraid to go on with life from the fear of screwing up on just trying to make a living. What's worse is that I know people have it worse than me, friends that have it so much worse that my problems seem as if they don't matter. I don't matter, that's probably true from what's going on here. The probable abandonment of Alyssa, it's a shock. An ambush from trying to walk down the road of life, an unpleasant surprise. If my pain could be hurt, it'll most likely be loud static noise as I'm trying to keep a straight face. What's the worst part of it is now I guess I need to move on, but I'll give it a week for any clarification. Just as of now, I don't know what to think. Not that I do anyway.

-1:26pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#94 10:32am Janurary 23

It's no surprise that life is always filled in with the ups and downs, every day and every week. Sometimes the low times comes around more often than other, or at least some others. Good news is that I managed to hang with Juan, even better in which he lives in around my neighborhood so I could even walk to him. His girlfriend was there, mainly laying in bed being covered by a blanket while we were on his ps4, traveling through YouTube showing videos and talking about interesting rappers as well as actually humorous videos. We ordered pizza with the 20 dollars my mom gave me for it, got the pizza from Papa John's, the pizza was wonder so I ordered another one along with a free one by a coupon, flat pizza is the best. The other week from what I can recall was a bit messy, a migraine hit me from the other Tuesday which struck me out doing just about anything, I'm glad my mom doesn't work for now as she managed to take care of me. The migraine slipped away only through the process of time, as if the invisible pain leaked out from my head and body. It has been more than a whole year since I had the migraine. Can't recall if the pain was to that immense amount, my arms were becoming numb. Daniella just came around to say hey, hopefully I spelled that right. This weekend I was supposed to talk to seeker and now Brenda is here to chat so I'll cut it here.

-10:45am

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#93 9:43pm January 15

I want meaning in my life, to be valued beyond the darkest parts of the universe. I imagine myself sitting on top a tall building with the moon bigger than usual, stars sparkling up the night, making myself wanting to fly to the moon. Fly me to the moon, that would be nice. That song is nice. I wonder how it's like to be in love with the person right in front of you. So often are those who I care for resides across miles apart from me. I want my soul to be filled with song and let me sing forever more. For even beyond eternity, I'll play across the universe. Ah, what is life ? All this wishing and sleeping, day passing by with time running out. I wake up everyday to get out of my bed, feeling way beyond my actual age, as if I have gotten my bones rusty and flesh rotten. A smile, few laughs, can always hide it away for a moment at a time. I crave affection, for a love. For THE love. Looking up to the ceiling of my room, I wonder. Wondering of how I will get somewhere, as everything is past blurry, a blank canvas is what I see. There is nothing, but then again there is everything. Only just, just if I had the proper tools and knowledge, I don't need friends for that. I don't need to lean on them to be happy, in some cases. In a lot of ways, I do. I just wish I could grasp something into my hands to keep and grow. To develop not into some idol, but a regular human who reaches out to help people. Although being an idol is always nice, that's always temporary. All the things that can be done in life, all the moments I could be with my friends, all the times I can be away from this nameless city. And yet I remain here, in a room with no joy or song.

Ya me quiero ir.

-9:58pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#92 12:56pm Janurary 10

Currently sitting in a chair near the entrance of the college cafeteria, a lonesome experience as I haven't talked to any of my pals that much at all at this college. I saw Brenda and I talked to her only a bit, she didn't seem so happy to see me around. As I was chatting with her, I saw Jaden walking by. Hannah hasn't replied to any of my messages, I haven't even seen her around. College classes are decent, although I'm planning to switch classes from biology because that lady is too strict and merciless, I don't need that, plus she's completely boring, it hurts to be in that class. I'll probably switch it tonight or so. The start of the new year was pretty rough, dad gave me a speech on basically he doesn't want to see me gaming in the future or else he'll destroy all my games and such. Continuing on with his non-assuring speech, he wants me to get a job and so on. Once he was done talking, I was done talking to anyone else, I simply didn't want to speak to anyone. I was talking to Dj at the time of the new year, but I decided it was best if I could be alone as the stress of life plummeted onto my brain with flames scorching every hope there was for this 2018. In a way, I'm getting tired of living, but I'm still going, not sure what for at this point. It's personally rough, mentally. Alyssa is in the hospital, recently went through surgery just yesterday, the day before she sent me a voice message on how afraid she was and how our lives are so unfair. I couldn't say much about it besides texting that I'll be there for her. As time passes, the more it feels like hell on earth. I wish for a better life, I wish I could go far away to a place I would like. Toronto is still on my mind to travel there, I wonder if it'll be my place to reside in. I want out of Florida, simply out of this limbo. On another topic, I haven't made much progress in my hobbies just yet, the occupied life is not a fun one. I always end up exhausted so far when I get home. So Rose might come down here to Florida sooner than expected, her mom and mine contacted each other with Rose's mom wanting to have a break from over there. I can only imagine what goes with them two over in Ohio, Rose and I don't really chat anymore besides some small text within two weeks or one. So, maybe that's something to look to. Talking about friends, I wish I could talk to more to some others that haven't talked to me much this year so far. Krispy has been silent, Erin is busy, Chai is busy, Angel works all the time, Nara is nowhere to be seen and even if I was to talk to her should would probably be up to something else, and for many internet friends I've put less effort in keeping contact in talking to them as I feel completely useless to them. Ah, what am I to do with myself ? Game to death ? I don't think so. I still have yet to complete the Scott Pilgrim books so that's something, I managed to get another book from the college library, the book is called Berlin Dairy, seems great so far. If only my life would be great, obviously it would be for others being less fortunate, of course. Just being more of what I am now would be largely appreciated.

-1:18pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#91 8:50pm December 30

As the new year arrives, I am currently laying on this bed in my dad's house in a state of uncertainty and confusion. Friends are getting ready for the occasion, all for I know that I might just be at home like all the other days as my dad works. I wish I could have more time with him, he's been on the job for most of my time here. He's aging as I am too, if only it wasn't so fast. I'll do what I can for my last week here, maybe my last week on earth before I go flying back to Florida to start up my routine of college, homework, disappointment and sleep. The Scott Pilgrim comics have kept me up with hope for the future, I love them all so far, I'm almost done with the 3rd book. Alyssa is back today, happy for that but again wondering how long that'll be. Siena and I have been chatting, she revealed she had a long lasting crush on me. It was somewhat obvious looking back on it, I'm sure it ended when I met Rose the second time around, or the first. I call her Nutbox as a joke from long ago, she hasn't complained much of it. I hope her next year improves because she deserves it. Anyway, I'm not looking forward to my eventually departure to Florida, yet it's what I must do. Even with the hope that I currently have, it doesn't erase the doubts and possible most likely reality that's coming my way. Argh, the new year is to fix lives up so maybe it will for me as I work on it. As of now I've improved, somewhat. Oh, I forgot to mention in my last writing that Spartan came around to talk to Dj and I, he seemed as an improvement for when we had to deal with him and the gang. Stori and G is still nowhere to be found from this year, would be a surprise if I was to see them again eventually. Word from Spartan is that they're still going at it together, congrats to them I guess. I wonder what the future holds for me and my friends. After all, this year has been a tragedy for most of all of us. I know I've done wrong, but those wrongs will be no more, or so I work for that. Can't say I'm content with the life I have no, but maybe this coming year I can be. Maybe, just maybe...

-9:09pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#90 3:39pm December 27

Laying in bed, Christmas has ended as a new year approaches, can't say much about this year besides that it feels it was a negative year. At least there's another year coming around so there's some hope, I guess. The days have been on average good, there's some small moments in where I feel down, but it later changes with time, as in a few hours. Dad is away working with the roommate, they had to cover a roof as it said it was to rain at 2am and it's a two hour drive away. I've been spending time on Xbox or with my guitar. I've been hanging out with Dj often so I'm glad with that. I've made some new friends, I'll mention them later if they're still around. What I got for Christmas were pairs of jeans, a fancy shirt, white converse shoes and the whole series to Scott Pilgrim which I'm reading more soon, I finished the first book already. Dj also got me a game as well, it took me by surprise. I reminded him that it's a payback when I bought him a game on the computer that costed 1 dollar and 50 cents. We have been gaming endlessly. As I said, I've made new friends so I've been hanging with them too, a girl especially. Also, awhile back my dad and I saw Coco as well as the latest Star wars movie. My dad enjoyed Coco a lot more, yet we both didn't like the new star wars. It felt flat, what I enjoyed the most were the moments when it used props from the first star wars movies. My dad and I, including Pajarito went to the Mall of Georgia where we say Coco, but before that we got into this chili store that had a ton of hot sauces that I've never seen before, we got a habenero hot sauce that was mixed with chocolate, I put some in the popcorn and it wasn't as spicy as I expected. Anyways, I've been on okay ties with my friends. Rose didn't seem to have a great Christmas, but at least there's always next year. Alyssa is still missing and I don't know how to feel about it since it seems that she does it often... Seeker offered us to chat when I go back to Florida which is nice. Daphy has been away too. Victoria from Norway is back as I texted her days ago, she still is the same, but she seems to be doing better in life. I haven't talked to Brenda in awhile but at least I've texted a bit to Hannah. No contact with Pierce so far. You know, I sent out some Merry Christmas messages to those who I thought deserved it, I take some of them back to certain people, not to mention anyone but Kaylee. Molly has been somewhat there, but I guess she's just busy within her her mind and life which is fine. Krispy so doing fine, or so I think. Chaimae is still doing her school stuff in Morocco, she heard my voice a few days ago and she likes it, she now knows I'm real, haha. Anyway, the new year approaches within days and within those days I'm not sure what I'll do, but I won't waste my moments, or so I think. Time to read my comics ~

-4:07pm

P.S. I forgot to mention that Marielle and I are no more, we're just friends now, I suppose it's for the best for the mess I'm in now, still trying to clean my mess up, there's progress. -4:13pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#89 2:48pm December 15

Surprise, I am in Georgia in my dad's apartment. I'm a bit late on updating, I was supposed to leave last Friday, yet it was canceled due to all the snow fall. My dad video called me to show all the snow, my mom managed to get me a flight 2am in the morning that was scheduled for 10:45am. I will admit I was just a bit grumpy because I didn't get enough sleep as I was up at the same time she was unaware the flight was in a few hours. They attempted to make me fly to Cincinnati, made me think about Alyssa and Rose, then fly to Atlanta which sounds for an unique story if I was to take the chance for it, but my mom and dad disagreed for me to go. I wasn't able to bring my mountain heavy computer so I'm stuck with my Xbox, my old mp3 player, red electric guitar and my phone. Glad I'm done with college for now, the feeling of getting nowhere still lingers, but so does a lot of other feelings do, surely those who I care for. Funny how people leave and come back, or so it applies for my experience with friends. It's probably best I hold my anger when people don't reply, I have no more expectations out of anyone. Don't mean it in a bad way, it's simply to avoid a greater feeling of loneliness. As for love life, I'm in the process of cleaning that up right now. Just for the advice for some, not everyone is meant for you and that's just fine. Anyway, since I've been here my dad has been sick, wish I could help him out. Too bad I'm stuck here in the house with not much to do, I'll be working out and playing on my guitar for sure today. Oh, also if you or someone noticed I didn't write before my flight is mainly I've lost my fear of unexpectedly dying in an air plane. If it happens, it happens, not to sound careless of course, my hands do get a bit sweaty when I'm in one. Speaking a bit of love life, it's gone cold. Marielle just put us as friends, which makes sense, I don't blame her for it. Alyssa has been missing in action for a good amount of days, her last voice message basically tells she's in agony from surgeries and her conditions, she always worries me, yet not in the same way Erin did whenever she told me about her stories. Rose sent a picture to me of the Mexican drinks we had at the Mexican restaurant when we were together in Florida. I was a bit surprised by it, she usually never does this so it brightened the day a bit when she did, I know Rose is no perfection, yet the feelings for her come arise and fall like the tides of water, it simply happens. I told her summer is almost here and she said she can't wait for it. It's almost tradition I say this to her. I hope I manage to fix up my situations this year, these few upcoming months. Still irritates me how I'm still in Florida, I'm not much in favor of leaving it after I'm 22, feels like I simply don't have enough time to live my life. I've been living this way of life for far too long. I can't imagine for what it'll be like if this went on for another 5 years, I need to travel, I need to rock out somewhere. It's a series of dreams in which I'm slowly getting to. Speaking of dreams, I had this recent dream just now that I was in China for some reason, I was on a train and some lady was explaining the history of China, it was odd. My life is odd, oddly bad, but bearable.

-3:21pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#88 12:57Am November 25

Ah, it is now Saturday morning, technically. Time to update about my life. Here we go again. Well, I’m currently writing this as my mom is out with her boyfriend, probably for dancing or something. I managed to voice to Krispy, if I haven’t mentioned her before I would be surprised, we do chat often over Snapchat, sometimes just sending pictures of anything to each other without any captions to them. Her life isn’t paradise, but she is managing, which is great. If only she would stop being an alcoholic at times, makes me concern for her. I managed to talk to Marielle, also Alyssa too. Things are surely shit complicated as they’re busy often and we barely manage to chat, each to their own reason. I haven’t managed to talk to Rose in some time, as in a week or two. I should try to get around to that, even if I'm her best friend (one of her best friends, don’t ask it’s complicated). All I know is that she’s still with that boyfriend of hers, recent days I’ve been more sensitive thinking about her whenever she comes around. I know she’s still having her problems, everyone struggles. From last Saturday I decided I was to delete all of my social media apps, except Tumblr as that’s where I write, as I was having this ‘’breakdown’’ from how I felt I was getting ignored from everyone, having no one to actually care for me as I’m the ‘’internet friend’’ as most would see me. College is so far okay, nothing adventurous. From last week on Monday, I went to a sleeping center for psychology class, I ride with the professor as I can’t drive at all and we get along very well together, my mom had her as a professor too. One of the parts of the conversation has stuck to me with my slight claim of ‘’I have no one to hang out with, reason being why I’m always in my room’’ which in turn she said it was by choice and it could be true, maybe I’m only being stubborn. On the bright side I do have a few people around in college. I have Brenda which we go back to freshman year although we didn’t connect until about the 3rd year of high school, there’s Hannah in where I met her through the speech class and then there’s Peirce where we met by him randomly approaching to Hannah and I in the small cafeteria, I though Hannah knew him and vice versa with Hannah so it was a bit odd at first, I thought he was trying to get a girlfriend from the vibe I was getting, but talking to him more changed that around. I always insist into us gaming together, but we never get to it at all. Staying away with the social media apps was slightly comforting as I didn’t see the daily contents of what makes my mind spin around, there are many unique people around the world, good or bad is up for anyone to decide in what they think. I haven’t felt missed at all, I guess that’s how it is to feel dead, partially. Hahahahahahahahah, ah life. I managed to text Siena as well, she’s doing okay too, but the people around her aren’t the best, that’s the Miami life. Nice thing about our friendship is that we share similar movie tastes, focusing on the 50s and 60s movies, she gave me a small list of movies I have yet to look up. (1:22Am) My mom came home, and so did the boyfriend. Oh, also, in college I managed to talk to some army people, one of them was a recruiter while the two were just companying him, from my guess. Two guys and one woman, it was Hannah’s bright idea to invite them over due to them standing under the sun. They came over, Hannah did most of the talking until she had to go so I would take over and thank goodness Pierce came over and he did some talking as well. As I was alone with the military workers, I managed to hear some stories from all of them and one of them told me that a key factor in being independent is buying your own toilet paper. I have still yet to do any of that, I gave my phone number to one of them while the wise toilet paper man gave me his so once I get some toilet paper, I’ll send a picture of me included with a huge bundle of it. I should stop wondering what the future holds as waiting to retrieve it isn’t rewarding at all.  Bright side of today was playing some guitar, learning some new chords, the good stuff, yet it doesn’t compare to the type of music I’ve been listening too. One day I’ll get there, and it’ll be before I’m 19. Hah, never knew I say that. It feels off, as in it’s something that was never supposed to happen, but it’s happening. Think of it as a game that still has content to show when you thought you would hit the ending of it. Look how much life has changed, not sure what to make of it as of now. Maybe I won’t be able to anytime soon, but that’s just fine.

-1:36am

#journal #Life

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#87 11:06pm November 12

This is one of those moments without the sun where the mind spirals down in what's darker than oblivion. Only time will clear out the fog, no chemical injections or change of mind would be able to remove the blur. I'll have to admit I don't like a lot who I have in contact with, not in favor of where I am in life, my habits are taking me into a dark space where I would rather not walk any further into. My whole existence has gotten me down, I'm not a cog in the machine, I'm the joke of the century. Ah, what feeling I have. Of course, I'm not innocent for what I judge people, not saying I judge all the times. Every move a person does will always show what that person is. My actions are either from flesh or mind. Waterfall of misery, drowning. No, more like in an empty room filled with colorless emotions, pressure building up inside would be more accurate. I'm 18 already and here I am, I'm scared for what is to come next. Even with the knowledge that I hold isn't enough to hold me up. Here I lay with my headphones connected listening to this certain song by "The Marias" and another one earlier by "The Lucys". I would say a wish at this moment, but even doing so makes me thing some bad version of that dream will occur instead as those bad movie clichés. I wonder what it's like to live in a song, to make a slow soothing song about something decently interesting. I always like to think myself floating among stars looking down at the universe with arms spread out, almost as I'm gliding across as I pass by. Not literally, of course, more of a fantasy sort of thing, regular clothes, not some space suit. I just reminded myself of my Roblox outfit, a white tuxedo, a space helmet, a veteran medal and a special aqua necklace. Another way of when I listen to music is flying as the music plays, with each note taking me to different directions, different places. Maybe it's better in my head than to be said. I wish I could add beauty to this world. I wish I could be better in general...

-11:24pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#86 12:42am November 12

Dear goodness, I'm horrendous on keeping schedule, college has been doing a flawless job in with not doing my journal, such shame that has bring me, ah. I forgot to mention long ago that I went to a place that handled dementia, all old people, it shocked me that they seemed mainly normal. I would write more, but it was all so long ago so my reactions aren’t so pure as they were back then to it. I’m trying to recall much of what has happened since I haven’t written in ages and now I am upset at myself now, how lovely. Today was nice, just nice, mom was away in Cape Coral with her friends as I wasted my day in a way that makes me guilty. Brenda now takes me home whenever it’s Wednesday which was starting for some 2 weeks ago, very nice of her. She has also stayed home about twice so far, the other times she was too occupied to stay home. I also managed to fix my stuck string from my electric guitar, at first I put olive oil as it was stuck, I looked up on how to get it out and that was what I read from this thread so I did that, it took me another week after I tried another method which this country redneck guy told to just use the thicker strings and push it out, poof, it was magic to my eyes once it works so I put the ‘’new’’ strings in which I have had since I gotten the guitar, but since it wasn’t exposed to air, the packet of strings haven’t aged.  Finally done in doing so, as it took a tedious amount of time to put the strings to the guitar, soon plugged it to my amp that I last used about 2 or a year ago.  I’m thinking of possibly purchasing some pedals to play around with the red guitar. Maybe some distortion or something, I haven’t looked into it. Oh, I also managed to visit Estock and Krupp two Fridays ago, including this one.  His birthday was just this last past Saturday, as in the other one, not the one that just past right now as I type. I’m loading with projects this week, not in my favor, but it’s life. I think I might get into focusing in business, yet I still want to get into guitar. I know I’m losing time, but at least I could one day press a reset button to run away to some new start, that would be great. Maybe one day, some day. I haven’t drawn at all, I do doodle, but even that is awful, ouf. I will be going to my dad in December, not looking forward to it as much since of the tensions between my mom and dad, it isn’t fun hearing the complaints every day from each side. What I do prefer to hear is some indie music I keep finding on Youtube which drives me to focus on music, if only I could play the language of music. Feels as every moment I try to replicate it, it’s a mutated copy of the song, especially when I start singing. I would love to carry the flag to revive the rock industry, as of now it’s vacant, submerged by rappers in which I can’t get along with at all, what a shame. No clue, I would like to raise rock music back up into the radio stations, not making pop songs myself though. I would end myself before I start making actual pop songs compared to this day, dear goodness no. As stated as time passed, underground society would be great to have it grow and prosper one day. I managed to text Juan/Angel awhile back ago, he’s in some rough stuff from her significant other carrying a developing child while he’s working almost constantly. Although I’m honestly never really there for him, he still considered me a good friend with friendship being enough which was more than great to hear. Alyssa is awfully sick with her gallbladder, the doctors will have to remove it apparently as it has stones in it. She says it without being seriously, saying she hopes to die, yet if she did mean it I wouldn’t blame her for it. Ah, I need to write more often, kills me that there’s so ton to say, ton to show and tell. Still thinking on doing smaller entries from my phone, as time passes by or something. Been having these odd feelings on my arms, a burning feeling on my skin on the top side where my arms bends, not a clue why this is occurring. Been also having dreams happening often, no clue what that means, probably need to stop eating before I sleep, who knows?  Gotta keep going somewhere in life, hah. Oh goodness I am surely exhausted from wasting my day again. Old habits die hard I suppose. Maybe I’ll die hard too, whatever that insists. I talked to Bubba and his pals just before writing this, pretty nice. I’m in some weird mood where I would love to randomly explode the heck out of this planet in some insane way, not literally of course. Almost as a careless but emotionally a wreck from all the regrets.  Ill get that friend list in order eventually, bleh.

-1:27am

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#85 9:36pm November 1

I may or may not have been occupied with college to continue my writing. I may require myself to possibly write short entries or just use my time wisely. Anyway, lot to mention but as always I'll need to summarize it, not a huge fan of doing so, leaves out tons of info yet it's what I must do. Since last Wednesday, Brenda from high school has been offering me a ride to help my mom and I on saving money, plus she's a caring person so that plays in well. She's been staying a lot as I insist when we reach my house, great to have someone around , although it doesn't fill the gaps of being alone often. Hannah has been focused with working where the elderly , the rich ones, live at so I usually don't see her often or it's either due to family matters. People come and go, so I'm not so torn about it. Recent days I've been having a pull for wanting a relationship , as one being in person rather than through the internet. Marielle and Alyssa are still around, both with their flaws. Alyssa being busy with sickness and Marielle with work or school. Not much has been going on besides the slow , although growing traction of my motivation on guitar. I've managed to cut the old rusty strings, I have to put the "new ones" in. The new ones being unopened bags of strings inside that I got with the guitar. In time I'll put them in, drawing hasn't been much of a focus, but I am still doodling on the sides of my papers, eh, it's something. The waves of life are still going by, motivation is there, just need the action to get somewhere. I hanged with Jessica from the high school, we visited the nearby plaza, nothing much to enjoy, we did what we could to cherish the time together. She told me stories of taking acid and how she's pretty happy with the boyfriend, good thing she broke up with that girlfriend as I never liked her, can easily be classified as trashy. Halloween got me sour, should've known that I feel down seeing friends around with myself to be alone in a room. Bright side is that the weather is getting colder, the feeling feels fresh, as last year it wasn't that cold, not that I recall. I forgot to mention Alyssa had some surgery this past Monday, her conditions make me worry. Rose and her boyfriend are always still together, surprised that they didn't dress up as Peter Pan and Tinker Bell, Rose loves Tinker Bell, oh well. I'll write more, as I always say. I wonder how the 100th post will be like.

-9:59pm

[oddlymysteriousphoenix]

#84 1:10am October 21

It goes without saying that I must be more consistent in writing now. Some stars or meteors are set to fall around here, from a friend I’ve met in college. Her name is Hannah, can’t say I recall mentioning her since my writing on here is so poor, better at least that I keep it alive with some spots of my current ongoing life. Her and I fit along with hanging in college swell. Since I don’t have that slow time passing speech class in which I’m certain no one received an A in, Hannah and I have time to hang together with whatever there is to do in the college. She helps with passing time with ease compared to when I’m alone with time grinding against my mind along with the stress of everyday life. As I write this, my dad is back into Cuba as he stated to me ‘’two days ago’’ that he’s going back to help some people over there, slightly disappointed, but I can’t say much against it, he’s already there anyway. I still love my dad, just going back with him for the month of December isn’t in my taste of preference, I’ll do it anyway. Good events have been going on, just ‘’yesterday’’ I started to do some workout, I’m getting somewhere. I have a workload to do for some assignments, but I do hope it cools down soon as I extremely would love to get into Russian and guitar practice. Every day more passes with the same wishes yet never coming to reality. Erin is back, maybe I already have stated this, she got upset over the boyfriend and stuff and now she’s upset with me so I’m setting some weeks for not texting her, typical her. Marielle and I are fine, just fine. It’s challenging to connect with her, when she says such few words over text and that is what we do most compared to us voice chatting on our phones. Recently, I’m feeling dead with her, but it’s me to blame, I’m just going to have time pass and see what will occur, of course I still care for Marielle. Alyssa is in a rough spot, health and such, she’s getting ready for a surgery on Monday apparently, so she’s been weakly these past days, especially with sleepiness and migraines. Daphine won’t reply anything whenever I text her, so you know, life is life with people coming and going. World news are constant concerns, but the more I see the more careless I become to be with it, the world can change suddenly, I wouldn’t mind so much about it, theoretically from nights of overthinking. Not all in life is bad, just the fact I’m STILL here in the same chair and same computer. I want improvement, but I guess improvements only come in small amounts. Guitar and Russian, let me learn them. Drawing too. Time management will need more repair, although I’m doing okay so far. Also, Gabby is back in chat town so we’re on good measures, we skyped awhile back days back and it was very enjoyable, she doesn’t go to those goth nights anymore, as she says she has no one to go with and the problems with Charlottesville. I also met Brenda at college again, she seems okay, but what she later texted me through the phone reminded me that I don’t live in the unhappiest life.  I’m thinking to maybe scatter up my writings from hour to hour or day to day rather than doing it all in one moment like this one moment.  Won’t be staying up and seeing the falling lights tonight for I need to obtain some sort of rest for later activities. Mom and I will be fixing up the garden as well as getting new plants to gain food out of them, how magical. Also, Rose and I are still on good terms, we don’t talk much but she’s still looking forward the next time we meet up again, feels good still for someone to wait around to meet up even if it’s yearly. I know the different lives we have, but things can always change, nothing is permanent, well, from my experience, I’m no wise man in a castle. As I press into these buttons, I’m flying through the web listening to oldies I would listen to, a classic one being ‘’Put Your Head on My Shoulder (1959)’’ by Paul Anka, that song goes way back for me, so so long ago. Recent nights ago, a flash flood of memories from my Xbox 360 came in, made me feel down. No longer are those days where I would use that console and see my almost always online friends on there. I can still remember constantly gaming with my Halo Reach controller, now it’s all rusty and worn out from the art that was on it, some of it still remains, same goes with my friends. Dj and I were supposed to chat the past hours, but he never got on or maybe I didn’t get online on time, no worries. I dearly hope to gain a few gamer friends sometime soon, I don’t want to be a lonely solider with no home or a family of friends like long ago. I know not everything can come back again, but new memories and old ones to experience are always nice to think about. I wonder how I’ll get on with life, I’m still uncapable of driving anytime soon, especially from those idiotic driving test questions, they don’t make much sense from what I see. I wish I could get around like the Beach Boys could, my idols when I was a kid. My dad had a huge influence in what I would listen to so that’s where I get it from until about my first year in high school. Ah…. My life is passively going downhill, at least it feels like it. Who knows?

- 1:54am