psychotic-ophelia

[psychotic-ophelia]

hey i just remembered i have this blog! anyway why does it feel like this

[psychotic-ophelia]

i miss them so much it’s taking me apart

#god i hate this! #this is so ridiculous and dramatic and fuck #like they're just a fucking person #and im such a small part of their life #and i'll probably never see them after this year #there's no good reason for them to mean so much to me #it's just whatever snapped in me when i saw them six months ago in that rehearsal room #never mended i guess

[psychotic-ophelia]

It's not stopping and I keep thinking it is! But it isn't

#ya this is about m

[psychotic-ophelia]

friend: you may be building this up too much

me: okay see what you fail to understand is that this is one of three (3) things that giving my life emotional content rn

#like.....i worry that im being dramatic about it and then i remember #this is super fucking important to me and i get to be dramatic

[psychotic-ophelia]

IDK when stuff happens I really have to dislike them for a while, for my own well-being. I was gonna say hate but that's not true, the only time I've ever hated them was that one night. But anyway I hate disliking them I hate it and I'm ready for it to stop I just wanna be better and also the 100+ degree fever is uh not helping

#going back to sleep now #once again escaping this reality

[psychotic-ophelia]

so like the only timeline darker than “lho was my only shot and i missed it bc i was too emotional & being a coward” is “lho was my only shot bc they only like me when im vulnerable and in need of help and protection”

#bad stim #*wakes up from feverish sleep to make 2 posts then collapses again*

[psychotic-ophelia]

lol why do i still accommodate L

#??? #we may never know

[psychotic-ophelia]

well i ended up texting them and im. really really glad i did. not because it gave my mood a temporary boost the way getting any text from them would but because they said like sweet validating things re gender and i just really appreciate having nonbinary friends

#im having. feelings

[psychotic-ophelia]

so in terms of today being the day of recognizing and avoiding unhealthy behavior re: maddie, i acknowledged that i shouldn’t 1) text them in a bad mood because my mood will get worse if they don’t reply and if they do reply i’ll know that the boost to my mood is based on something that should not have as much of an effect on my mental state as it does and 2) i shouldn’t send them writing because i realized that the actual reason i want to send them my writing is that when i’m in a bad state of mind i think of it as the only thing that makes me worthwhile and i shouldn’t be trying to prove my worth through that when there are plenty of other things that they’ll like about me if they’re gonna like me

[psychotic-ophelia]

like my mood isn’t good or bad it’s just like prolonged screaming

#i'm anxious? im in love? im happy? im sad? im angry? im excited? #this is at least 12 more emotions than i know how to handle at once

[psychotic-ophelia]

stuff got less garbage, i continue my trend of being needlessly Dramatic(TM) only to have a good thing happen so i feel deeply silly for having been dramatic

Stuff is…..garbage

#aka they texted me

[psychotic-ophelia]

Stuff is.....garbage

#love is garbage

[psychotic-ophelia]

necctarines replied to your post “my parents/my older friends are all saying things like “hey you must...”

this is...intensely relatable sending u lov

thank u friend let’s hope our mother the sun graces us with her presence tomorrow

#necctarines

[psychotic-ophelia]

lmao it’s so fucking ridiculous that he still has power over me and deploys it in such weird and specific ways

#like jesus don't do that you should know by now that it's fucked up

[psychotic-ophelia]

u know what im gonna make a post about texting maddie here bc i have no self control. so the weird thing is that somehow i’ve reached the level of comfort with them that my instinct is to like spam them w texts about the opera im watching the way i would a much closer friend and idk??? how it got that way??? like is it wishful thinking or the knowledge that they’d never get annoyed with me for being excited about opera or just missing them? who knows! who knows

#i've got at least three more feelings than i'd really like to have

[psychotic-ophelia]

my parents/my older friends are all saying things like “hey you must be so happy about the blizzard!” and idk how to say like “i know snow used to be my favorite thing but recently my happiness has become profoundly dependent on sunshine so i’m badly depressed today, fuck the blizzard”

[psychotic-ophelia]

concept: me, but with a healthy relationship with s/ex

#lol probs a thing i should discuss w my therapist or like. any living human being!!! #but nope