seethingbazel

[seethingbazel]

Kamisama

I remember the first time I heard this song was when I was homeless back in 2016. The song deeply rooted itself into my head and pushed me to do more than I ever thought was possible. Varien as a whole has been there for me more than any person ever. Their music has been my muse, and my reason. This song just came on and a whirlwind of emotion flooded me. I'm still here, somehow. And so is Kamisama. We've accomplished much together.

#personal

[seethingbazel]

Why wasn’t I happy

[seethingbazel]

[seethingbazel]

I am just a body.

[seethingbazel]

Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better

— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )

— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient

— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.

— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.

— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.

— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way

— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.

[seethingbazel]

[seethingbazel]

i am overwhelmed and i just want everything to stop. just stop. just for a moment so i can think, so i can cry, so i can mourn but its so difficult because life just keeps going and my issues are piling on top of each other and suffocating me and i am so overwhelmed that i cant breathe. i hate this.

[seethingbazel]

I don’t wanna get out of bed. I don’t wanna eat. I don’t wanna go to work. I don’t want to go anywhere. I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up.

[seethingbazel]

[seethingbazel]

[seethingbazel]

I can relate to this

[seethingbazel]

[seethingbazel]

[seethingbazel]

It hurts so fucking hard when you spend your life carrying a broken heart inside your chest..

[seethingbazel]

I can’t tell anyone my bottled up shit anymore. I just.. simmer now I guess.

#personal #vent

[seethingbazel]

Nothing is exciting anymore. I used to be excited when she got home but now I’m just bored. I’m excited for my paycheck and that’s a week away.

And then nothing.

#personal #vent #how can i make myself less of a problem?

[seethingbazel]

Almost passed out from pain. Was told to go sleep for an hour. Fuckin rip