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yayy new substack

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we really are on a journey. we are meant to feel lost because that is literally the point. we are going to uncover pieces of ourselves the longer that we are alive. trust the process and surrender! you will find your way!!

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Astronaut Ellen Ochoa plays a 15-minute flute set on the aft deck of the Space Shuttle Discovery, April 1993. (NASA)

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Vincent van Gogh - Olive Trees.

{This painting comes from a series of 15 canvases that Vincent dedicated to the subject of olive trees during his stay at the asylum of Saint-Rémy-de-Province, where he committed himself after suffering a series of breakdowns. When free to wander the countryside, he explored the region’s olive groves. “The murmur of an olive grove,” he wrote to his brother Theo, “has something very intimate, immensely old about it.”}

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Was the diagnosis from your therapist cyclothymia?

yeah i think it's this one

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#your girl saw a therapist today and she gave me a diagnosis that I already forgot but she was like ‘it’s not as intense as full on bipolar’ #I was just 'as what???' #but it kinda makes sense but idk #after careful examination I realised that some of my decisions def were made under some high wellbeing a bit manic if you will #all the hyperfixations and such #and now I’m actually kind of confused because what if switched to tech also a bit like that #bc yeah I was interested in that for some time before but I decided not to go to Germany and go for tech in like less than 2 weeks #even though i already had a visa and i was accepted at uni there #which seems a bit sus #anyway we’ll see what wonders the pharmaceutical industry can make

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i’m obsessed with whatever these are

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looks from marina eerrie’s “pixie hollow & purgatory” collection, paper dolls .

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#at this point literally the only thing I want in life is to finally find my place in this world #is this too much to ask for

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dream job is to be that one rotted hand that bursts out of the grave to snatch some stupid idiot by the ankles and pull them under the earth

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#my friend defended her phd thesis today and I’m so happy for her #we were on this journey together until I quit two years ago and it’s amazing how well-researched her thesis is #however by the end of the day I can’t help but think that I could #do that too maybe? or I wouldn’t be able to? #also watching her defend her thesis and seeing familiar faces made me somehow nostalgic abt the whole academic setting #and lately I’ve been feeling such a lack of purpose in anything I do I wonder if it were different had I stayed #or is it nostalgia lying? I think factually I quite hated being at uni in the last semesters #but my problem was the supervisor mainly and I try to imagine now how it could be with someone else #so many maybes and hypotheticals.. maybe I’m where I’m meant to be as of now even if still not happy lol #oh i also remembered how i thought i would be lonely forever bc at my uni most of the lecturers are middle-aged and over women #and now i simply sit at home alone all day #funny huh

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Wounds of the Earth

— by xis.lanyx

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#if I realised anything about myself is that I really need music in my life #in some manic state I picked up the flute and I like it it makes me a bit happier but at the same time I kind of miss the violin......

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Norbert Gœneutte - The Pont de l'Europe and Gare Saint-Lazare (1887)

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there should be more hours between 6 and 10pm. like even just two more hours. for my assorted hobbies & activities

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#mood