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#it means no one believes me when I say it because I’m dating a cis het man #://////// #and my gender is female enough that I just go ahead with it #I can exist as a woman even if I don’t feel like one and that’s fine #but I do like “they/them’ #but only my sibling uses it

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Briefly spoke to a nice older gentleman at the Asian grocer this morning. Idk why i stop to write about him but he just had a gravity to him. He was about 6’2-6’3ish, salt and pepper buzz against a medium darkish complexion. He wasn’t clean shaven. He had a light wash blue jeans with a brown belt, white undershirt and a red flannel buttoned mostly up. He looked beautiful.

He was buying vegetables, strawberry drink and duck eggs.

He said he “eats like on a bird” except on Fridays.

#15 December ‘23

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INDEX: projects and patterns

Patterns and project ideas:

DIY cotton rounds

Easy knitted gloves

Free customisable sewing patterns

Easy rectangle skirt

DIY tote bag

DIY delicates laundry bag

DIY hot pads

Easy fleece hat

Fingerless fleece gloves

Apron pattern

Knitted weighted blanket (by Knitboyknit)

How to make a custom dress form

DIY scrunchies

DIY menstrual pads

Upcycled fabric baskets

DIY scrap fabric basket

DIY garter belt

DIY drawstring bag

Free 1920s sewing patterns

DIY dog bed

Pronouns cross-stitch patterns

Upcycling sweaters

DIY cutlery pouch

Little frog toy (by Boigameista)

Kawaii bat plushie pattern

Elastic waistband pants

DIY pumpkin plushies

DIY fabric flowers

Easy tunic tutorial

Easy knitted sweater

DIY ironing board cover

Recycled glove: chipmunk plushie

Repurposed denim wall organiser

DIY: jeans into denim jacket

DIY measuring tape bracelet

DIY pencil pouch

One hour dress and matching slip dress

DIY reusable dish scrubbers

DIY leggings from old sweaters

DIY fabric yo-yo's

DIY flannel sleep mask

Hooded cowl pattern

Cotton reusable snack bag

Binder pattern drafting tutorial (not free) (by Forestine)

T-shirt to shorts refashion

Oddknit.com

Hooded muffler knitting pattern

DIY scrap-pieced belt

Upcycled denim tic tac toe game

Easy knitted fingerless gloves

DIY grocery bag (pattern drafting instructions)

Homemade candles (by Of-shit-and-fans)

DIY bedside pockets organiser

Jeans to bell-bottom jeans (by Enterthetrees)

Easy vintage wrap top

Knitted dickeys

DIY cable organiser

DIY wrist pincushion

Circle skirts 101

Knitted cowl pattern

Removable winter pockets (by Aeolianblues)

DIY packing pouch and packers (by Fatmasc)

DIY knit/crochet buttons

Cute mouse plushie pattern (by My-darling-boy)

Easy vintage wrap dress

Envelope cushion cover

Heart-shaped zipper pouch

Star Wars craft projects

DIY ear warmers

Crochet vampire bat appliqué

DIY scrap fabric ball

Crochet mannequin head pattern

DIY fabric matching game

DIY cat zipper pouch

Crochet cat/bear basket

(If a link has a Tumblr username in brackets behind it, the link leads to a post I reblogged from someone else instead of a post I wrote myself.)

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So I was losing my mind on an edible last night right? Just completely fucking losing it. Did not have the faculties to count to 4 for manual breathing type shit. Could not tell how quickly I was breathing.

Looked up calming breath tutorials and everything.

Was tucked in and etc and Dray came in and kissed me on the forehead. I don’t think he thought I was super awake and it was just so sweet it made me cry on the spot.

Also when I’m freaking out it oscillates between “it’s so over” and “we’re so back” like immediately. But it’s like “shame spike” and “I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m good.” On repeat.

But yeah idk I hope I remember how it felt when he kissed my forehead that was so nice and I haven’t felt that warm and fuzzy in a while I love it I love him.

#dray #bf #I love him so much.

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Help I’m the oldest daughter.

No really i had to emotionally regulate my mom when I was a very little kid and it continued into adulthood and now I don’t know how to regulate or even acknowledge my own emotions.

I was so concerned with keeping her happy because if she was mad the whole family suffered. I had to fix it. I was the only one that could fix it because I was my mothers favorite.

I feel like an anxious neurotic emotionally walled off mess.

I don’t know how to be vulnerable so I’m just scared.

Not having needs was preferable to making her mad when I had them. Instead I just ate, like my father.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to be emotionally vulnerable because I don’t know how to articulate my needs without guilt.

Need a bigger size in shorts? “I’m sorry but these don’t fit” I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry it’s on a loop in my head all the time.

I’m constantly trying to read other people and COMBINED with my body issues when I have a brief respite after the vibe check it’s immediate criticism that comes from within because I take up too much space and I could look so much better and isn’t it a shame that people are meaner to you when you’re fat.

It’s not outright, but when I was thin people were so SOOOOO much nicer to me.

I wish I could smoke. But that’s probably not a good idea. If I want to smoke or drink alone it’s not the best idea.

I’m just so scared.

#personal

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lately I’ve been Overcome With Emotion

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Aaron and Brit are moving to California :(

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A good thing about dating an ADHDer is that we genuinely love with no games because we lack the attention and patience required to play a game with someone.

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I think my healing really began escalating once I stopped identifying so strongly with my suffering, once I stopped treating misery like it was an intrinsic aspect of myself and my personhood.

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something so special about taking care of a boy who never received the proper love and attention when he was younger. they’re so delicate and sweet and get so shy when you compliment and try to take care of them. allowing them to feel safe and comfortable enough to always come to you for help or advice or a shoulder to cry on. like come here sweet boy i’ll hold you forever and let you cry on my chest while i run my fingers through your hair and tell you everything will be ok if we’re together :’)

#my sweet precious boy

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I took too many pills yesterday. I’m still feeling it today.

I’m trying to get better.

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Update: went pretty well.

He was glad I found something that helped.

But god I feel so many emotions sometimes about it.

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I’m not sure how to tell my bf I’ve started ADD meds. I’m also just now getting used to them and I’m so scared he’ll get mad at me for not telling him.

He called earlier before he went into work and said “hey you seem kind of off, what’s up?” And I just couldn’t tell him because I wanted to tell him face to face.

I’m going to either tonight or tomorrow. But god I’m so scared. His ex was ADHD and apparently it was a fucking mess.

But they’ve helped me so much just within the last week it’s incredible. I’ve gotten a lot of work done and I feel so much better emotionally it’s been a godsend.

I’m just scared that he’ll think less of me or be angry with me because of this change I’ve made. But for once in my life my brain is quiet. I’m not trapped in a constant loop of “why haven’t you done this yet, you have work to do, stop thinking about random bullshit, no you’re not hungry you’re bored, you need to get up, you have to do this, why can’t you just get up. Other people are able to do this, why can’t you? Stop being a stupid lazy fuck and just GET UP” and I can’t. Physically can’t fucking do it.

It’s quiet. For the first time in my life my brain is quiet. Things are easier. I feel better.

#August 12 ‘22

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*Opens Google to check if sheep can get sunburn*

*30 minutes later realise that haven't looked up anything about sheep cuz I immediately forgot and spent the past half hour learning about moths cuz I wanted to know what their hair is made of*

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So I’ve just started taking ADHD meds to help and even on a low dose right now things are a lot better. So I have something to say.

ALL THIS TIME TASKS WERE EASY FOR NEUROTYPICALS?! I’m sorry?! I spend all the time feeling INFERIOR and like absolute garbage because people could do tasks better than me and it turns out its because for them it’s EASY?!

WHAT THE FUCK?!

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Sometimes you are the person who needs to listen the most to your own advice. It is amazing to be a good friend, a kind person, but you have to share that same sympathy with yourself, you have to practice it too, you have to care for yourself, allow yourself to feel good. Not because you're afraid of sounding hypocritical to others when you don't follow your own advice, but because you know your worth, and you know that no matter how different you are from other people, you still matter as much as they do.