sillybillycanadian

[sillybillycanadian]

💌Send this to the twelve nicest people you know or who seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome. 💌🫶🏼

💜💜

[sillybillycanadian]

TW: depression, sui ideation, the big sad, etc etc

I hate schoolwork. It’s petty, it’s silly, it’s beneath me, but I am so fed up with it. I am 20 years old and I haven’t graduated high school. There are so many good messages on here about not needing to meet any artificial timetable. That we can do things in our own time. But holy crap guys I’ve been stagnating for so long. I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with this part of high school for three years now.

I started homeschooling halfway through Grade 10. I have self-guided courses that I can do on my own time which still earn me credits to go towards my high school diploma. When I started, I was working at a pace that (if maintained) would have let me graduate a year early. I was masking ADHD, anxiety, and depression so all of that slowly leaked out. I was procrastinating, oversleeping some days then under-sleeping others. I developed an unhealthy habit of eating when I felt bored and like I needed a distraction. Some life things happened like my mom getting cancer (she’s alive and well, but her neutral state of “healthy” will never be the same) and my dad kicking out the three of us (mom, brother, and me) for a while because my dad and brother had a fight.

Those nights were the closest I got to killing myself. We had nothing but the clothes on our backs and some cash we were able to use for a hotel. He did this to his immunocompromised wife during the height of the pandemic. He didn’t care. Even when we were let back in the house (because we threatened to involve the police) he didn’t speak to us for days. I was hardly eating. A family friend talked to all of us over Zoom and referred to my dad’s doings as a “hiccup”. I want to be a forgiving person. I like to think that everyone deserves a second chance. But I can’t say honestly that I’ve forgiven my father. I don’t think I’ve even forgiven the family friend for calling it a “hiccup”. He probably didn’t even know the whole situation, but it stung so bad. And I hugged my father that day. As if it was fine. As if he doesn’t still scare me and I lose the air in my lungs when he stands behind me.

Ever since then my life has been derailed. In the summer of 2020 I started treatment for depression and anxiety. The summer I should have graduated. Some time in 2021 I was diagnosed with ADHD twice because the first person to do it never kept proper records and then left the hospital she was working at. So it was as if my diagnosis never happened. So 6 months after the first time, the second diagnosis finally happened. I’m on medication for it now. I thought it was helping, but I’ve been so useless again for months now and with no changes in meds to explain it. I also might have undiagnosed autism, which really stings because I was neglected when I was younger and the excuse was that my brother needed the attention since he’s autistic. Anyway. I don’t have the energy to shower regularly. I hate needing to make food for myself. I literally have two courses left then I’m done high school for good. 5 basic-ass assignments then it’s over. But instead I watch YouTube and try to make stupid music on my laptop to get a tiny hit of dopamine. I search “help” and sort by latest on Tumblr to see if there is anyone I can comfort or cheer up. Is it actually altruism? Or am I just so starved for attention and validation and companionship that I try to please anyone I can? Do I try to help others because I may as well since I’m the only person I can’t come through for?

With all of this, I have friends who are pressuring me to move out very very quickly. They know how much living at home is making me hurt and ache so I know they’re coming from a good place. But I can hardly take care of my own health and hygiene, how they hell do they expect I can take care of a home and hold a job?

That’s why I don’t just hate schoolwork. I definitely do, but that’s not all of it. I hate schoolwork because it’s a testament to just how stuck I am in life. In this one place. Writing a few sentences to an essay each day if I’m lucky. I hate it. I just hate it so much.

One of those friends. We like each other. So so much. We want a future together. Her and I. But she is one of the ones trying to rush me. I know we both want me to be in a good place before starting a relationship. But she also doesn’t want to be in limbo forever while I work out my issues. So it’s like an ultimatum. At this rate I need to move out in the next month or two or I’m gonna lose her for good, it seems. That’s as far as one of our mutual friends of the group knows. So now I have another point of pressure to get my act together before things crash and burn even more. But it had the opposite effect because I feel lost and stuck and like I can’t do anything.

This is just to vent. Cause idk what else to do than rant and maybe just maybe I’ll stop being a piece of trash. God. I hate myself so much rn. I’m such a stupid worthless prick. Dammit.

#just ranting #personal rant #tw depressing thoughts #tw sui ideation #haha now I’m the one screaming out for help cause I feel lost and like nothing is worth anything now ahaha

[sillybillycanadian]

I know I'm so random on this platform but y'all

This video explains how pretty much the second elsagate is happening. If you didn't know, elsagate refers to a phenomenon on YouTube where certain channels made inappropriate, exploitative content targeted towards children. They'd abuse the recognizability of characters from popular media (like Elsa from Frozen, or Spider-Man) but put them in NSFW, provocative, or shocking thumbnails, titles, videos, etc. It isn't just low-effort content, it is harmful to children to be exposed to mature content disguised as their favourite characters. Nobody is required to do anything but I sincerely agreed with the sentiment in the video to spread awareness about these channels so as many people as possible can report them. It seems a handful of them already have been taken down. So, if you read this far, watch the video and check the description cause he has a pastebin of all the channels you can report if you wish.

#elsagateisback

[sillybillycanadian]

I got through half an hour, I’m giving up for now

My apologies to those I haven’t talked to in a while. It isn’t personal, just dealing with domestic stuff rn. I’m okay, although I’m just about to watch Cats (2019) out of morbid curiosity so I might not be okay in two hours or so. Will keep you posted

[sillybillycanadian]

My apologies to those I haven’t talked to in a while. It isn’t personal, just dealing with domestic stuff rn. I’m okay, although I’m just about to watch Cats (2019) out of morbid curiosity so I might not be okay in two hours or so. Will keep you posted

[sillybillycanadian]

[sillybillycanadian]

unpopular opinion but I love it when people write essays for fun on the internet. I don’t think it’s cringe if you’re being polite and coherent and making your own post instead of making unwanted additions to other people’s posts. why say something in a 7 word meme format sentence, faking disaffection and chillness, when you could flesh it out in 7 paragraphs of sincere and substantial nuance. not just for seriousness but for fun concepts, is what i have in mind. for talking about a story or character. for talking about life. talking about anything. this is a wordy person safe zone

[sillybillycanadian]

The council has decided this will be my pfp now

[sillybillycanadian]

I love you, all my homies

[sillybillycanadian]

Tips to fight depression

Disclaimer: These are small things that have helped me in the past when I was going through a lot. Thankfully, I am fully healed and love my life. But I know how incredibly hard this battle is - and I also know that it can get better! <3 If you are struggling with mental illnesses please contact a doctor. If you want to talk to someone else about your feelings, please join our self help group on Discord. We’ll be happy to welcome you.

The 5-4-3-2-1-method when awfully anxious. What are five things you can see right now? Are there four things you can touch? How do they feel? Name three things you can hear. Two things you can smell. And now...one positive thought in your mind.

Cry me a river. Let it all out. Cry for as long as you need. Think about the things that make you sad. Make them heard inside your head. And cry. This will release muscle tension and make you feel more relaxed...maybe even numb.

Escape this world and find yourself again in a fictional one. Read a book or watch a show or a movie. Make yourself feel as though you’re the main character. This will create distance between you and your hectic life and problems.

Move. Right now. Get up and move. Move your body. Go for a walk. Maybe even a run. Just get some movement into the moment. Please. Put on some music and dance as if no one is watching.

Do something good for someone else. This is what I’m doing by writing this. Helping people can help YOU. If you want to do this right now, maybe join our group chats and tell your story so more people will know that they are not alone. What I LOVE to do is buying homeless people food and clothes (socks are super important).

Go take a shower and brush your teeth. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve probably all been there. Not showering for a long time happens. Not brushing your teeth happens. We survive. And that takes up all of our energy. But right now I want you to take that shower and take care of your body. Please.

Accept that you are ill. Have compassion with yourself. I’ve always felt guilty and despised myself for being depressed and anxious. People tell you “Why can’t you be like everyone else? Why can’t you do this and that?”. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Happy. At least that’s what they all seem to be, right? I hated myself for not being able to feel anything anymore, for being messy, for not showering, not being “a normal person”. People judge and look down on you. Yes, I haven’t washed my hair in two weeks. What about it?!  But all that is not my fault. I am ill. I can’t live the lives healthy people live. But hey, that’s okay. God didn’t give me mental stability but he did give me intelligence, a wonderful heart and the most amazing boyfriend.

Last but not least: Let’s get to the peak. Do it yourself. Well yes, you can imagine what I mean. It really helps, researches have found. Having umm...you know...the best part in the end...will make you feel better. And everyone does it.

You are not alone in this. There are so many people who suffer. So many people who even take their own lives. But please stay with us. Please go and see a doctor. Talk to someone. Talk to me. You are not alone.

Love, Sophia

Feel free to follow my Instagram account for some study motivation <3 Instagram

[sillybillycanadian]

I confused the words “yakuza” and “jacuzzi”, and now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia

hyperfixations are genuinely so stupid and annoying i generally try to avoid dumping them on other people except when theyre funny like right now when im obsessed with yakuza theres just so much to bring to the table with posting here.

[sillybillycanadian]

Lmao no so my understanding is that most “satanists” tend to be atheists. They embrace the symbol of Satan being an opposer to God, which is what “Satan” means. So most modern Satanists are people in opposition to Christendom and reject God or spiritual thinking like having a divine moral code or appealing to a higher power. So there are two kinds of Satanists. Those who are atheists with a personal code contrary to Christianity, and those who sincerely try to worship the occult. The latter was mostly just an accusation used by Christians against other people across history.

Okay I could have completely made this up but some background first

I looked up the Satanist tag on here and so much stuff abt worshiping Satan came up and like I'm not surprised dgmw. But ISTG aren't there two different religious things that sound similar and one of them is Satanism and isn't Satanism the one that doesn't believe in satan???? I'm literally so fucking confused.

Ive been calling myself a Satanist for so long, although I do not worship Satan/Lucifer. Pls someone help I feel like I'm going crazy bc I can't remember the name of the other one and I'm convinced I made it up!

[sillybillycanadian]

To: [Manager's Name]

From: [Your Name]

Subject: Experiencing Workload Issues

Dear [Manager's Name],

I am writing to let you know that I am currently experiencing burnout. Over the past few weeks/months, I have been feeling increasingly stressed and overwhelmed with my workload, and it has started to take a toll on my mental and physical health.

I want to assure you that I am committed to my work and to this organization. However, I believe that in order to continue to contribute effectively, I need to take some time to focus on my well-being and address my stress levels.

I would like to discuss some possible solutions with you, such as taking some time off, re-evaluating my workload, or exploring ways to better manage my stress. I am open to any suggestions or ideas you may have, and I am willing to work together to find a solution that is in the best interest of both myself and the organization.

Thank you for your understanding and support. I look forward to discussing this further with you.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

i have to write an email to my managers being like hey i’m burnt the fuck out and i’m constantly crying um help (but like professionally written) and i’m crying just drafting it in my head lol this is going to be fucking ROUGH

[sillybillycanadian]

#satanisn’t

Okay I could have completely made this up but some background first

I looked up the Satanist tag on here and so much stuff abt worshiping Satan came up and like I'm not surprised dgmw. But ISTG aren't there two different religious things that sound similar and one of them is Satanism and isn't Satanism the one that doesn't believe in satan???? I'm literally so fucking confused.

Ive been calling myself a Satanist for so long, although I do not worship Satan/Lucifer. Pls someone help I feel like I'm going crazy bc I can't remember the name of the other one and I'm convinced I made it up!

[sillybillycanadian]

[sillybillycanadian]

[sillybillycanadian]

So i went on a date to a haunted house and made friends with the girls behind us. As we’re going through, one of them is holding my hand and a guy leaps out and separates us. I panic as my date is pulling me along, I reach back for her and grab her hand in a group of three other performers and start getting out if there. After a bit I look back to check on her and I discover I’m holding the hand of a six foot tall zombie creature and not a 5'2" girl.

Cue the most terrifying realization of my life.

I had basically kidnapped this performer from his section and abandoned the girl and her friend behind us.