singing-writing-venting

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it’s them, your honor

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why are they censoring masturbate like that this isn’t tiktok. MASTURBATE. JERK OFF. WHACK IT. FUCK. SEX. see it’s fine

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So many things are going right, why do I feel like I’m the thing that’s wrong

Got a good job, good friends, I’m about to get a car

But I Sleep next to the laundry I can’t put away

The soda cans are piling up they’ve been there for days

I think my head is caving, in it sure feels that way

Tims to push it down and push through

And push it down, push it away

Don’t think, don’t feel, just survive for today

[singing-writing-venting]

Me @ Me: don’t get involved don’t get involved don’t get involved...

Also Me: STOP. You violated the law! It’s been too long since I’ve seen a good brawl....

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kinda wanna go on a date, kinda wanna get hit by a truck too 

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eldest daughters being yelled at for no reason but proceeding to continue doing emotional labor otherwise they will get kicked out of the house

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If you ask a white person "how's it going?" And they respond with "it's going" that roughly translates to "contemplating killing myself."

#its going

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U ever just feel really fucking suicidal?

Like nothing is even wrong, honestly everything right now is almost going too wel. Way better than normal.

And the anxiety I’m feeling constantly is so high.

And all I want is to hide in my room and sleep forever.

And I’m having consistent suicidal thoughts, and I don’t know why

Literally everything is great

There’s been some big changes recently yes, but they’ve been good! Good things are happening!

So why am I so anxious?

And why do I just keep thinking about how much I want to die?

#tw #trigger warning #suicidial ideation

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I feel so broken and afraid

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ways to start feeling again

sit in the sun without anything to do, feel the heat of the rays hit your skin, realize that this sunlight has travelled a very long way to reach you

walk around barefoot and try to feel as much of the ground under your feet as you can, notice every rock and blade of grass

sit quietly for a while and notice the touch of breath in your nostrils, feel how the air gets cooler as you inhale and warmer as you exhale

drive around aimlessly and blast some of your favorite songs, scream/sing along to them and feel the vibrations of your favorite lyrics as they change the air in your throat and around you, feel that the music is healing you from the inside out

stay away from alcohol or drugs for a few days, try to be as aware and present as you can in every moment, stop trying to numb or dull your senses

eat a few meals without any distractions, notice every bite and taste every flavor that covers your tongue, be grateful for it all

look up at the stars and the moon, understand how small we all are and how immense the universe is, realize what a miracle everything is, let your heart swell with amazement and admiration for life itself

#useful

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help ! i was vulnerable and i can’t take it back !!

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Shoutout to Those Flare up Days When You Sit in Your Room for 20 Minutes Seriously Debating if You’d Rather Face the Pain of Walking to the Bathroom or Wet Yourself…

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SORRY FOR THE VERY PERSONAL COMIC!!

This is my half of “Unhealthy”, an essay comic double header with the lovely and talented Sarah Winifred Searle. She and I both wrote about our personal experiences as overweight ladies with eating disorders, and her story is breathtaking! You can buy a physical copy of the book here: https://topatoco.com/collections/abby-howard/products/ah-unhealthy

Or buy a digital PDF here: https://abbyhoward.itch.io/unhealthy

[singing-writing-venting]

I want to die

The amount of emotions I am currently experiencing is going to kill me

I can’t stand it

It hurts

It’s painful

I’m crying and angry and anxious and stressed and everything in between

And so painfully detached from everything

What’s even real

Nothing is safe

Nothing is stable

Nothing matters

I need it all to STOP

[singing-writing-venting]

I want to draw and create

I want to sing and make music and write songs and perform

And I also want to die

Constantly

Because I can’t do those things

To do those things means sacrificing sleep, or calling out of work, or pushing through a migraine

And then it’s not fun anymore

When I get home from a shift, too tired to think, creating anything feels like a chore

Even basic self care is laborious

I’m just too tired for this. All of it.

I want it to stop. I want to be in control and to make it stop.

[singing-writing-venting]

Wouldn’t it be amazing to stay happy?

I got to tell my therapist today that I was doing well. That I felt more in control, and content. That I was settling into a routine, and I cleaned my room by myself, and did my laundry, and I was functioning really well.

And then I got overwhelmed at work today.

And I couldn’t stop stuttering? That’s new.

And I can’t remember most of the day. I’m so dissociated I hate it.

I just... i was doing good. I don’t want to take small steps, I want to be ok NOW.

When I take small steps, I feel like I’m not doing enough. Like I’m being lazy, and people hate me for it.

When I rush though, I fall on my face. I can’t win.

I’m so tired all the time.

I thought I was ok. I thought I was doing better. I’m trying so hard to be independent and better.

And I can’t.

#vent post