sirenprincess15 - Tumblr blog

sirenprincess15 · 3 years

Text

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 17

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

In this chapter: After their night off from trying to figure everything out, Aleksander shares a secret with Alina.

Chapter 17

Aleksander was conscious, but he refused to wake up. Alina was flooding him with her light so he could sleep, and he did not want to give it up. They had agreed to a night of heaven without worry of figuring everything out, but where did that leave them today?

He was somewhat reassured by her confession last night that she needed him as he needed her. If she felt the pull between them as well, then surely they could find a path forward. That didn’t change the fact that there was so much that he needed to tell her. It didn’t make it any easier to explain any of it. He could run through all the scenarios in his head again, but that would result in the same crippling agony he ended up with night after night. Perhaps he should just send her on her own to talk with David. Could she possibly believe he didn’t want her as a slave after that? The image of her screaming her hatred at him wouldn’t leave his head until he actually thought of something worse. What if what she learned made her run with the tracker? Alina had shared that the tracker already had a plan. The truth could prompt her to follow through with it. What if Zlatan found them? Now it was her head rolling from her body that he saw again.

“Aleksander,” she said his name so sweetly as she wrapped her arms tighter around his chest. “I can feel that. Stop.” She sent her reassurance through their bond.

“Please don’t leave me.” The words were barely a whisper, but he could not hold them in. His heart reached out to hers and begged for her to stay. They could solve anything else together if she would just stay.

“Please don’t hurt me,” was her response, a fair request revealing her deepest fears.

Aleksander met her gaze and nodded. The seriousness of that commitment made his heart ache. He let her feel through the bond how much he meant it. He feared hurting her too, but he would give all of him to prevent that. “I never want to hurt you. I would take any pain on myself, any, if it meant I didn’t hurt you.”

They stayed that way a long time, just staring into each other’s eyes, emotions flowing back and forth between them. She seemed to accept his determination not to hurt her, even if bits of self doubt and fear crept back in occasionally. He tried to reassure himself of her love, but his worry about how to try to explain everything to her still kept creeping in. It was impossible to prevent the panic he felt at the idea of losing her. Her emotions could calm him, but then he would stress again on finding the right words to make her understand everything, and the ache in his heart would reignite again.

“Aleksander? Talk to me. I know it’s hard for you to trust and open up. You have been through so much. I understand that now, but you cannot go on with this pain inside you. Please try to tell me what’s causing it. The more you actually open up, the more I feel I can trust you.”

“It’s just that I don’t know how to be the man you want, the man you deserve, and I fear I will lose you anyway because I can never possibly share all of the dreadful secrets. Alina, I can’t lose you, but I’ve been thinking of way after way to deal with this, and I can’t … I can’t.” His jaw trembled with the effort of controlling his emotions. Damn it, he did not want to cry in front of her this morning. He was terrified, though, that Alina would leave him for any of the litany of good reasons she had.

“If it helps, I can feel how sincere you are about wanting to give me the honesty I request. I can tell, Aleksander. Are any of the secrets about important things?”

His lip quivering as he tried to control himself, he nodded.

“All right. So we just start with one. Tell me the biggest one. And then once we work through that, the others won’t seem all so bad.”

Which one even was the biggest one? He couldn’t decide. Maybe he should tell her about Marie. He could just blurt that out without a lengthy explanation, but the guilt of that death would destroy her. How could he? How could he possibly do that to her?

“Aleksander!” she gasped. “It’s tearing you apart. Guilt, pain, fear--you ache deeper than anything I have ever felt before. Please just tell me. Let’s work through it together. However awful it is, it cannot be worth this amount of pain.”

“If I tell you, then you will hurt, and I cannot do that to you. If I don’t tell you and you find out, then you will leave me for the lie, and I cannot find the strength to bear that pain, Alina.”

She took slow, deep breaths and sent reassurance and love through their connection. She waited several moments like that, just breathing and feeling, taking his pain and meeting it with love. “I want you to tell me. We can face the pain stronger together. I promise I will forgive you if you can manage to tell me now. You do not wish to hurt me, but I am strong, and we are together. Tell me.”

“Marie is dead.” It was barely a whisper, but the look of shock on her face made it clear that she had heard.

“Marie?! How? What happened?” She was processing the grief when she gasped with realization. “The winter fete! The attempt to assasination me … but you said ...Saints, Marie!”

He nodded as he experienced the sorrow anew with her. “She died to protect you. She was a good friend and a beautiful Grisha, strong, brave. The assassin slit her throat.”

“That’s why you’ve been having nightmares of my death? Oh, Aleksander, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Luda died for me. I know what it is to have someone you care about killed when they were just trying to protect you. She isn’t the only one. The guilt of that loss is something I never wanted you to know.”

She cuddled into his chest as the emotions of that hit her, and he hugged her tight as he gave her a moment to process her friend’s death. How many times had he dealt with those emotions over the centuries? And, yet, he could not think of a single word to say that would actually make that pain any better.

“My sweet, caring, Aleksander,” she whispered. “Some moments I’m so afraid of your dark side, but then you say something like that. You kept all the pain inside yourself so I wouldn’t feel any. That’s not what I want you to do at all, but I can feel you did it out of love. You’ve been dealing with the trauma of Marie’s death, her death disguised as me, on your own this whole time. I don’t even think you realize how severely it’s been affecting you. You lost one love to the king’s army, and now another young Grisha, who looked like me at the time, has been slaughtered by another army general. And you just wanted to keep all of that inside you? You ask too much of yourself. I’ve been feeling all your pain, but I didn’t know why or how to help. You should have told me.” Her voice was so soft. It felt less like a reprimand and more a plea for the closeness of sharing. “We could have processed this pain together. You could have helped me. Aleksander, you are not alone. Together, we deal with this loss together.”

Tears came to his eyes, and this time he did not bother to blink them away. Marie deserved his tears. Every Grisha who died for the cause did. He told himself the tears had nothing to do with dealing with the abject loneliness he’d felt for over half a millennium. “Her grave is in the Little Palace cemetery. I had a nice headstone made for her. We could go visit it together if you’d like.”

She nodded. “Could we invite Nadia? Can I tell Nadia? Does she know? She should know too.”

Aleksander squeezed her hand. “I will let you decide what it’s best for your friend to know.”

“Does it feel better to have that secret out of your chest now? No wonder it was tearing you up to keep that inside.”

“I …” He wasn’t quite sure. He still did not like that his words had caused Alina pain, but it was nice to not have to hide that from her anymore or continue to work through how to tell her. “At least I can better explain the nightmares now. You know why I have been so protective … and scared.” He admitted the emotion he had not even truly let himself acknowledge inside himself. Fear had been making him do a lot of things lately.

She interlaced her fingers in his. “Are the other secrets like this? Things that are just going to make me want to hug you all the more?”

“I suppose some might be.” Many things in his past were filled with so much pain. He had done some truly awful things over the years, but maybe she could see his pain through those decisions. “The really big one I fear might make you want to run off with the tracker after all.”

“I won’t,” she reassured him. “I know I can’t take that path. Even if I get really angry with you, like I did when Baghra told me you lied about your identity, I’m not picking to run and hide. Suppressing my true self made me sick. I refuse to be weak and ill to hide again.”

“I would understand if you pick to cut off my head after all, then.”

“That bad?”

He nodded as he tried to contain the emotion that stirred within him as he thought of what her reaction might be. He could not take it if she hated him. His heart could not take any more rejection. “It … I guess it depends. Will you judge me for what’s possible that I haven’t done? Will you even believe me? Can you possibly trust me? It will certainly reignite your doubts of me, and I don’t want … I don’t want to go back there.” After opening himself to her so thoroughly last night and into the morning, he found that words just came tumbling out on their own without his careful control.

“So … there’s something truly awful that’s possible that’s going to make me want to cut off your head but you haven’t done it, and you’re going to trust me enough to tell me about it? But you’re afraid to? Should we just rip the bandage off this wound now?” she asked. “It’s causing you immense pain the longer we let it fester. I will worry until I see how bad it truly is. Let’s just cauterize it and start fresh?”

He nodded. She was right. His heart would not stop aching until she knew. She could not love and accept him until she knew what he could do. He just wished he wasn’t terrified it would make her forever fear and hate him. “Perhaps you will believe David.” It was his only hope.

“David?” Her voice rose in surprise. “The fabrikator? What does he have to do with this?”

He took a deep breath. “Let’s go visit him. You’ll see.”

She kissed him gently before rising to dress. Making no effort to hide his stare, he let himself memorize her curves while she seemed to still appreciate his gaze upon her body. He wasn’t sure it would last, but he would take in every moment with her while he had them. He gasped when he saw her kefta. “Black? You would …”

“I would.” Half-dressed, she walked over and kissed him more passionately this time. “I told you that I only feel whole when I’m with you. I need you as much as you need me. I thought maybe that was fake and you were deceiving me, but the more I get to know you, I really don’t think so, Aleksander. You need me. I don’t think either one of us is particularly good about letting ourselves need someone else, but I’m done fighting against myself. It’s something I’ve been pondering as you slept. Maybe it’s okay to need each other. We are stronger together. Whatever this is that you’re about to tell me, we face it together. ”

#darkling x alina #alina x darkling #the darkling #alina x kirigan #aleksander x alina #alina x aleksander #aleksander morovoza #kirigan x alina #general kirigan

9 notes · View notes

sirenprincess15 · 3 years

Photo

(x)

1K notes · View notes

sirenprincess15 · 3 years

Text

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 16

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Demon in the Woods

In this chapter: Alina explores Aleksander's scars in the bath.

Chapter 16

--WARNING--This chapter contains spoilers for Demon in the Wood--

Finally alone in his chambers with a tub full of water, Aleksander found himself running his hands along Alina’s bare body. He could not help admiring her beauty as he ran his palm over the curve of her hip. “I’ve missed this,” he whispered. He kissed down her neck to her collarbone. “Touching, feeling, the way the connection between us flows back and forth when we are both feeling content.” He placed a hand on her side and just let himself feel her. Everything they needed to ease the ache in their chests was in their connection.

She leaned toward him and began kissing across his chest. She had always taken pleasure in kissing his scars, but today she paused. Her fingers lingered on the raised round spots that splattered across his chest. “Are these from that night? With Luda?” she asked cautiously.

He could tell from the emotional pull of their bond that she was unsure if it was okay to talk about, but she wanted to know more. Now that she knew of Luda, he was grateful to be able to acknowledge that night. “They are. She healed the internal damage, but they shot me with another round before the outside healed, and then they caught her.” He shivered at the memory, but it was good for Alina to know. Maybe it would help her understand what their enemies were capable of and why they could not let compassion influence them to make stupid tacticle mistakes.

“Have you ever thought of letting Genya heal them?”

He shook his head. “I could not find a healer for her that night. They had murdered too many of us. If she could not be made whole again, then neither could I.”

“You have the scars whether they show or not. It’s how we let them affect us that matters.” She leaned down and kissed one and then another.

“They don’t bother you?” he checked. He did not wish to have them removed, but he would do anything for her.

She shook her head and kissed another scar. “I’ve always found your scars quite sexy, actually. They show me how strong you are. Now that I know what all you have endured, they show me your strength in a new way.”

He leaned down and kissed her, softly, sweetly. This intimacy was everything that he had missed, and he couldn’t get enough of it. “There used to be more.” He held up his wrist and ran his fingers along the inside. “It scarred badly from where I had pulled against the bonds with such force. I tried to keep them, but … I could not tolerate it, not on my wrists. Every time they brushed the fabric of my sleeve, it triggered the memories of being helpless. I finally let a tailor fix them, not Genya. It was centuries ago. Some scars can be harmful, and we need to let them go.” He touched one of the raised scars near his ribs. “These are the ones I wanted to keep.”

Her hand traced along a long scar diagonally from his shoulder. “And this one?”

He had planned a break from figuring out how to share things with her, but this way seemed so natural. With her love flooding over him, it wasn’t as hard. “That one was a Fjerdan sword that tried to slice me in half. They had been raiding farther and farther south into Ravka, kidnapping all Grisha to burn on their pyres. They even took children. We decided to be aggressive and defend our country and our people. I led the charge to chase them out myself. We successfully defended some villages and had them retreating, but we followed them into Fjerda to a place they stored and tortured Grisha awaiting trial. We liberated it, but it was not without cost.” He gently touched the deep scar tissue. “We were outnumbered. I was able to use my power to keep the Fjerdans from sending in reinforcements. But the children … I had to get them out of there. My second-in-command died for following my command to free the children. I ran in myself after that. I couldn’t leave the children, not the children. The sword slashed deep into my chest, and I fell on top of the children that I was rescuing. The Fjerdan who tried to kill me turned and left us for dead to chase the rest of my soldiers. This wound let us escape. That’s how Ivan came to the Little Palace. He was one of the children who hid under my bleeding chest. His parents had been burned on the pyre. He had a twin brother who didn’t survive the torture they used to determine if the children were Grisha. I’m sorry he seems gruff and demanding of your power. He knows more than anyone what we are up against, and the cost if we don’t succeed at protecting our people.” He worried that he shouldn’t speak of such dark thoughts. It might disrupt the calm contentment that had come over her in the bath, but, then, wasn’t trying to shelter her from the truth exactly what he had nearly lost her over? Maybe this was how he learned to be more honest with her, by sharing one painful memory at a time until she knew enough to understand the harder decisions.

“Has there ever been a moment of your life that wasn’t filled with horrors?”

“When I’m with you.”

She kissed the shoulder and down his arm, then interlaced their fingers. “Perhaps, then, this is a better way to get you to share with me?”

“Promise to just keep kissing me, and I’ll tell you anything.” Maybe he didn’t mean it. Maybe he did. The warmth that radiated from her as she kissed her way back to his chest and down his side kept so many of his worries at bay. Her gentle acceptance as he shared his past pains with her made them less hard to share.

“This one?” she asked about the thick scar that sliced around his thigh.

“That one’s from when I was a child,” he dismissed with a shrug.

She looked him in the eye. “And?”

Could she understand that one now? Would she see him as a monster if he shared the truth or would she kiss him again as she had for the others? This one was different. He hadn’t been saving anyone but himself. “A friend tried to kill me, so I killed her instead.”

He waited for the fear and revulsion to move through her to him, but it didn’t come. “Your friend tried to kill you? When you were a child? How? Why?”

“She wanted to wear my bones for their power. I didn’t want to die.”

“Saints! Aleks!” He could feel the pain in her, but it was … sympathy? She was feeling his pain. No one had ever cared about him like that before.

“It’s nothing. It was a long time ago.”

“Your friend betrayed and tried to kill you as a child to steal your power and wear your bones, and that’s nothing?! You don’t think that maybe that has something to do with your difficulty trusting? In opening up?”

“I … I suppose? It’s just that any time I’ve let myself be vulnerable, it hasn’t ended well.”

She leant down and kissed his leg where it came up above the water. “We change that. Starting now. I want to be the one you can share everything with, Aleksander, no matter how horrible it is.”

He kissed her desperately, as if it might be his last. He wanted to be able to share everything with her, too, more than anything. He feared it was only a dream that she could know everything and accept him, but for tonight he would let himself believe that dream. “What can I do to give you what you need tonight? Alina, I am yours, for anything you need.”

Emotions ebbed back and forth between them as she lay against his chest. She sought his reassurance to speak from her soul. “The truth is that I only feel whole when I’m with you. Take me to bed and make me feel whole again? Please?”

“You’re sure?” he asked. “You know who I am, what I’m capable of. I don’t want you to regret this tomorrow. I could never do that to you.”

“You promised me a night of feeling good, a break from trying to figure everything out. I want to enjoy my night. Whatever we decide about us, I want a night of ecstasy as only you can give me. Please?”

He would not make her beg. With her assurance that she truly wanted him, he lifted her from the tub and carried her to their room.

#alina x darkling #the darkling #darklina #darkling x alina #aleksander x alina #alina x aleksander #aleksander morovoza #kirigan x alina #alina x kirigan #general kirigan

8 notes · View notes

sirenprincess15 · 3 years

Photo

darklina week 2021 ☽☼☾ day 1: loneliness

“where is my summoner?”

& day 2: favorite location - darkling’s bedroom

693 notes · View notes

sirenprincess15 · 3 years

Text

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 15

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

In this chapter: Aleksander struggles to share his secrets with Alina until he finds her upset and needing him.

Recommended listening: Lady A "Need You Now"

Chapter 15

They went on that way for a couple of days. Alina spent most of her time with the tracker. It tore Aleksander up but he permitted it for her. Most of Aleksander’s time was spent handling details of the war, receiving intelligence reports, and managing Ravka. Keeping everyone alive kept him focused.

It was the evenings he spent alone that were driving him mad. He kept thinking of Alina’s desire to be fully honest with each other and Fedyor’s words of the importance of knowing and accepting a partner wholly, even with flaws. He had always been a strategist, always played through all scenarios in his head a thousand times until he arrived at one he liked. No matter what scenario he envisioned with Alina, none of them ever turned out as he desired. He desperately longed for the kind of love and acceptance that Alina called for. There had been so many years alone where he had yearned for someone to share things with. However, every time he tried to plan the discussion of one of his secrets, it all went to hell quickly. He had even spent one evening writing it all out for her in the hopes that would help him solidify his thoughts. It hadn’t, and he’d burned it all as he realized how beyond stupid it would be to give her such information in writing.

The problem, he realized, was that he could eloquently justify every decision he had made, but no matter how he poured his heart out into explaining it all, none of that would make the truth any less horrible. Marie was dead--that knowledge would hurt Alina, and he just couldn’t stand the idea of her experiencing all that pain. Genya was his spy--without the centuries of seeing Grisha persecuted to understand what it meant if they lost this war, without seeing the king’s ineptness firsthand, seeing the battalions they had lost because of inadequate supplies and wasted funds, she would never be able to understand this decision. It was unforgivable to leave Genya in that situation. He knew it was, even if Genya had agreed to stay in it herself. That didn’t mean it wasn’t the necessary decision, too. They weren’t mutually exclusive, but Alina would never be able to grasp that. He had a way to potentially take control of her power and use it against her will--would she ever believe he didn’t intend to use it? Was that even really true? He had always hated the idea and told everyone they would not be using it, but deep down he had always known it was the back-up plan. Could he even say he didn’t intend to use it if he knew there were circumstances where he would? All the thoughts swirled in his head and threatened to take him past his breaking point. And then she would be there to help him sleep and somehow it was enough to get him through the next day.

He was stuck, and he didn’t see a way out of this pattern. He couldn’t stop thinking of ways to try to explain things to her. He needed her. His desire for her to actually accept him was overwhelming. But how could she? As he imagined trying to explain things to her, he saw things through her eyes. It was a fresh perspective, and what he saw was horrifying. It all caused him horrible guilt, and, yet, he knew he would make the same decisions again. Over the centuries, he had become numb to accepting the small pains to prevent the true horrors. Alina had reignited emotion inside him, and suddenly everything was raw again.

Aleksander looked at the clock and groaned. It would still be several hours before Alina would visit his chambers to help him sleep. He could not take another night of tearing himself apart while trying to come up with words to help Alina understand how the murder and torture of Grisha over the centuries had forced him to make harder and harder choices. He should get up and do something productive, something, anything to keep his mind active. The library might be a good idea. He thought he had most of the good sources on the Stag in his chambers, but there could still be some good books with more information on relics in general that he and David had not yet read that could at least keep his mind engaged. There was the added bonus that the library reminded him of happier times with Alina. He had never seen someone smile so broadly at books. The memory of stolen kisses between the shelves brought a smile to his face.

Decision made, Aleksander strode to the library. He froze when he saw Ivan hovering near an alcove. Ivan was supposed to be guarding Alina. Aleksander raised an eyebrow, and Ivan gestured with his chin toward the alcove. Years of working together made a silent exchange possible. Alina was in the alcove, and Ivan thought Aleksander should go in there.

“Alina,” Aleksander gasped as he took in her appearance. In her nightgown and robe, she was disheveled, hair a mess, with tears in her eyes.

She desperately tried to wipe the tears away when she saw him. “Aleksander.”

“You’re crying,” he whispered as he closed the distance between them.

“It’s nothing. I’m just tired.”

He reached out and tilted her chin until she met his eyes. “You never let me get away with that line.”

The tears started to fall again. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. To his surprise, she started sobbing. He tentatively sent his power through to her. It caressed against hers and begged for a response. This time, she let the connection flow between them. Emotions echoed back and forth with the familiar comfort of each other. She was sad, confused, scared. He was concerned. He made sure to let her feel his love for her, whether she wanted it or not.

“I missed this,” she whispered after a long while.

He blinked. Didn’t she know she was in control of that? He constantly longed for the connection with her. She was the one who decided when they were allowed to have this. “I missed you.”

She sighed and finally let go of the stress in her. In their bond, she pulled for his comfort.

“Did he hurt you?” It was a quiet question, but there was a clear threat in his tone. If the tracker had harmed her, there was nothing that would stop him from enjoying that man’s death.

“No,” she responded quickly. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Are things not going the way you want with the tracker?” He tried not to enjoy that idea. Alina was hurting. That was bad even if it would result in the tracker being out of the picture.

“You’ll be relieved to know that we’ve realized what we are to each other and it’s family. I tried to kiss him. It was awful. So awful, Aleksander.” She made a face and then gave a soft little laugh. “I do love him, but that felt so wrong, and I realized it’s because he’s like my brother.”

“That is not why you are crying, though.” He could tell. He couldn’t let himself become distracted by the jealousy he felt at the idea of the tracker’s lips on hers, even if it was awful as she said. She was comfortable with the decision that the relationship with the tracker was not romantic. He might take more joy in that, but he could not because something else was devastating her. “Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.”

“I’m afraid it will upset you.”

Because the tracker had actually hurt her? Because she was going to say something against Aleksander? Something to break his heart? “I can take it.” He kissed the top of her forehead. “If I somehow found a way to talk to you about the Fold, you can share this with me.”

She looked up at him with uncertainty in her eyes. “I can’t. You’ll hurt him or ... lock him in the dungeons.”

So this was about the tracker. He might very much like to kill, mame, or at least imprison the tracker for whatever she was about to say next, but he knew she wouldn’t tell him unless he agreed not to hurt that idiot and she could feel that he meant it. He took her hand in his so she could get a strong read of his emotions. “I promise I won’t hurt him without your permission.” That, at least, he could agree to. He’d just convince her to let him kill the tracker if that was called for.

Unable to look him in the eye as she spoke, she focused her gaze on the floor and whispered. “He wants us to run away and hide. He has a whole plan. I tried to explain how I can’t do that. I can’t hide my power. I told him how sick it used to make me. I didn’t understand what was causing it at the time, but now I do and I can’t go back to not being able to eat or sleep, to feeling so exhausted constantly. Nadia told me some stories of Grisha who tried to suppress their powers and got seriously ill. But he just keeps saying it will be fine just for a little while.”

Aleksander tried not to react to the news that the tracker was trying to escape with her, but Alina could probably feel his response. Anger was there, of course, but more than anything it triggered his protective instincts. He swallowed as he tried to push away any concerns of the tracker stealing her out of his safe space in the Little Palace. That wasn’t why Alina had told him or what she was asking for his help with. “He doesn’t accept you as you are, but it’s only because he doesn’t understand you. What we are is impossible for him to comprehend.”

She leaned against his chest so he could wrap his arms back around her. “He keeps saying things against Grisha. Not against me, he says not me, but … I don’t even think he realizes he’s doing it half the time. ‘We can’t trust her, she’s Grisha.’ ‘Those people always have tricks up their sleeves.’ Please don’t be mad at him. He isn’t trying to hurt me, but it does.”

“Prejudice against our kind is something learned at an early age. It’s so ingrained in Ravkan society, worse so in other countries, he probably does not realize that it is hate he is speaking.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not trying to defend or slander him. It’s the truth you need to hear, Alina. He is otkazat’sya. You are Grisha. They have always hated our kind. Fight as we may to be accepted, we never are.”

“I’m tired of feeling so … foreign … other.” She sighed.

“Do you feel like that here at the Little Palace? When you are with me?”

“No, and when he says things like that … I … It’s stupid. I’m so stupid.”

She knew he couldn’t stand for her to put herself down, but he was trying to get her to open up and let all her feelings out, so he didn’t correct her. “Tell me. All of it.”

“I’m a mess, Aleksander. I’m such a mess.”

“You hold me together when I am a mess. I can do the same for you.”

“When he says things that hurt me, all I want is you. I miss you. I miss our connection. I find I can’t breathe when I’m not with you. There’s just this tightness in my chest that won’t go away. I long to reach out to our bond.”

“And that’s a bad thing? Maybe when he puts you down, you subconsciously reach for the only person who has ever made you feel like you are enough and worthy of being loved. I wanted to give that to you, Alina.”

“I’m so scared, Aleksander. I’m in here crying because I need you and I’m so scared to need you!”

“You have taught me it’s okay to need you. It’s okay to need acceptance and love, Alina. I offer those.”

“How can I need you if I don’t even know if I trust you?” Her voice cracked.

Aleksander sucked in a breath at the pain those words caused. “Because of what Baghra said?”

She nodded into his chest. “And the manipulation. If I didn’t know about the letters, what else don’t I know? What else are you doing to manipulate me? At times I think I am strong enough and I can tell when you are lying to me, so that will be enough for me to be able to stay in control of things with you. Other times I’m terrified that I’m still falling for you and I will end up your slave. I realize I’m not in control of anything. I don’t feel whole unless I’m with you! When I’m with Mal, I am constantly thinking of you. I thought that if I gave myself some space, I could separate from that and sort things out, but it’s only worse. It takes all my strength not to run to your rooms because I need you.”

He wanted to reassure her that he was worthy of her trust, but he wasn’t sure that was even true. Wasn’t he just a bit earlier going through the list of all the secrets he had kept from her? He hadn’t managed to confide any of them to her or even come up with a plan of how he could. “There’s so much you don’t know,” he admitted. “It terrifies me, too. Trying to find a way to share it all with you is destroying me.” It was the full truth for once. There were horrible secrets there. He did not want to be manipulating her. He truly did want her to know all of it now, but he wanted her to understand it all too. Figuring out how to make that happen was eating him alive. He focused on those feelings and opened their bond fully so she can know the truth of that. “I need you. I fear if I use the wrong words, you will leave me, and I will not survive.”

“So … we both are driving ourselves mad with self doubt and worry and the pain of being apart. What do we even do with that?”

“If I had come up with a solution, I would not still be tearing myself apart trying to figure it out.” He sighed at the familiar ache in his chest. “Do you … Do you want to just take a break from … trying to figure everything out? My only solace in life is you. If I am your only respite, can we not just give ourselves a night to have that?” He needed a break, and she needed his comfort. They both were in so much pain from trying to survive alone.

“I’d like that,” she admitted, finally looking up into his eyes.

Aleksander reached out his hand and cupped her cheek. She leaned into his touch, and the clenching in his chest finally relaxed. She wanted his comfort. He wasn’t quite sure what a break would look like to her. Would she just want to sit and read in the library? Hold each other perhaps?

Tentatively, he leaned forward to kiss her. Her lips parted, and her body arched into him as if she could not get enough of his touch. He was shocked at the flood of desire that she released through their bond. There was no doubt that she wanted more.

As much as he longed to make mad love to her right there in the bookshelves even with Ivan only an aisle away, it didn’t feel quite right to dive straight into ripping off her clothes. Their relationship was awkward and uncertain at the moment. They needed cuddles and contact and warmth before he reminded her what it felt like to have her body worshipped. An idea occurred to him. “Do you want to take a bath together?”

She smiled. “Yes, please.”

=========

Author Notes: I wrote this chapter a dozen times and deleted them all. Every attempt at writing Aleksander come clean was ridiculously bad. So I started writing about him feeling that way, and Lady A's "Need You Now" came on my station and inspired me. Aleksander was a mess of guilt, self-doubt, and fear until Alina needed him, and then the story just clicked and was so easy to write. All of the emotions felt right once he realized she needed him. He doesn't need to be perfect for her. He needs to be what she needs, and he can be that, even with the dark past. This version felt genuine to the characters, including Alina and Mal. Alina's future with Mal was miserable. I wanted to let her realize 'hey, I don't like this' and choose something else for herself.

#aleksander x alina #alina x aleksander #aleksander morovoza #kirigan x alina #alina x kirigan #general kirigan #darklina #the darkling #alina x darkling

21 notes · View notes

sirenprincess15 · 3 years

Text

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 14

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

In this chapter: Tension continues between Aleksander and Alina as she tries to figure out who he truly is and what's real.

Chapter 14

“Where’s the girl?”

Aleksander cringed at Baghra’s voice. He didn’t want to remember this.

“Your sun summoner?”

He whimpered. He couldn’t say the word. Tears flooded his eyes. “Please …”

“Dead?

A guttural cry escaped him. “She died because I couldn’t protect her. I tried. I tried, but she wouldn’t let …”

“She died because she rejected who you are. If you weren’t so awful, maybe she could have trusted you, maybe she would have stayed.”

Aleksander awoke with a gasp. He struggled to catch his breath as he realized he was still lying on Alina’s chest. Safe. Her heart was still beating.

She said nothing as she soothingly ran her fingers through his hair to give him time to calm back down from his nightmare. He appreciated it because he needed it. He reminded himself to focus on her breathing. His head throbbed from drinking too much kvas with Fedyor the night before. He couldn’t think. How did he find the words to make her trust him again so that his worst nightmares wouldn’t come true?

At some point, the quiet just gave him more time to worry, though. Could Alina ever possibly forgive him? Would she turn on him now that she knew the truth? Could she find it in her to love him again? Would she choose the tracker? Would she still help him protect Grisha if she turned on him? How long did he have to still have her in his life? It was almost like wondering how long he would have air, but really, it was sunshine.

He wanted to stay in her arms forever, but he could not remain trapped in his thoughts anymore. “Do you want to go to breakfast together?” His voice was hoarse from sleepiness, at least that’s what he told himself. “Or we could have it brought here?”

“Thank you, but I will be spending the day with Mal.” Her chin jutted out as if she were daring him to fight that pronouncement.

“I see.” He sighed. Was this all he would get? A few hours of sleep with her? He would certainly take it over nothing, but why did she want to go be with the tracker? That idiot had always taken her for granted, done nothing to help with her self-esteem … Aleksander ground his teeth to stop himself from pointing out all of the tracker’s flaws.

“Are you good now?” she asked as she rose from the bed and went over to their shared closet.

“Thank you for letting me sleep.”

She started to dress and did nothing to hide her beautiful body from his gaze. Perhaps this was payback for his stripping in front of her the night before. Perhaps she wanted him to stare with longing as maybe she had? Or maybe she found the idea of covering up in front of each other just as awkward as he had. Then he saw what she was putting on.

Blue.

It was an arrow straight through his heart, and it hurt every bit as much as one. He knew that pain all too well from experience. “You will not be wearing that today,” he commanded.

“I will be wearing whatever I choose.” Her eyes stared right into his for a long moment, almost like a staring content, and then she went back to buttoning the blue kefta.

“Why?” He was desperate to understand her reasoning as he tried to hold together his composure.

“I like blue, very me, don’t you think?”

“Are you trying to torture me?” He gave up on trying to appear commanding and just let the pain show in his voice. “That outfit has hurt me every time you put it on since I offered you my colors.” Rejection, over and over again. It took on a new meaning now that she had already aligned herself with him. Now, it meant she disavowed their bond and that she wanted everyone to know she was no longer his.

She tilted her head and stared at him for a long moment. “Are you going to stop me?”

Finally, he caved and shook his head. “Wear what you want.” In the end, it was an outfit, one that hurt him, but an outfit nonetheless. They had more important things to agree on like protecting Grisha and the Fold. If letting her wear blue was what made her more willing to negotiate, he could endure the pain and humiliation as everyone gossiped about her leaving him.

“Has it occurred to you that maybe I’m testing you?”

He glanced up, his eyes wide. He was an expert at analyzing people and situations and reading any room. How did she always manage to surprise him? Why could he not think clearly when it came to her? “Testing me?”

“Baghra said you wanted to make me your slave, to take away my free will. I wanted to see what you would do if I insisted on my way with something I knew you disagreed with.”

“Alina …” His mother’s words again, tearing them apart. Is that what Alina thought? That he had done things against her will? That he was willing to? “I know you are upset with me for keeping you from your old life and forcing you to focus on your new one, but besides that … did I ever do anything against your will to make you believe her? Did I … not understand your consent? Did I make you think you had to? Did I touch you when you didn’t want to or …? ” He could not live with himself if any of that was true.

She was quiet for a moment. Her eyes flicked as she seemed to sort through memories or assess their previous interactions. “Never.”

“Then, why are you even considering believing her?”

“Because you didn’t give me a chance to make those decisions with full knowledge of who you are or the situation with Mal.”

The criticism hurt. Was it fair? He was so lost in his head that he wasn’t sure anymore. “It started with needing you to trust me, but then I got to know you. Would you understand if I said I was just so excited for someone to actually care about me … even if that required hiding who I was from you so you could.” Tears filled his eyes, but he would not let them fall. “Your love was so … addictive. I guess I just wanted to pretend that you could love me. It felt good.”

“You assume you had to hide who you were from me, that I couldn’t love who you actually are. You don’t know that. You didn’t give me a chance to even figure that out.”

“I’m trying to give you that chance now.”

“I know.”

“So?”

“So I’m giving you some tests.” She shrugged. “I’m trying to figure out what’s real. I’m paying attention to if you still lie to me, hide things from me, or if you try to manipulate me.”

“If it was a test, then did I pass?”

“You’re working on it.” She walked over to him and squeezed his arm. “Try not to spend the entire day stressing. Mal and I have a lot to catch up on. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Wait,” he said, rising from the bed and grabbing her arm before she could leave. She paused and looked up at him with curiosity but a bit of apprehension. He hated that she had been convinced to fear him, even a little, again. “I can’t let you go without a guard. Don’t give me grief about that. The tracker cannot protect you from Fjerdan assassins. Fedyor will still be sleeping off the extreme amount of alcohol we consumed last night. Let’s leave Ivan to tend to him. Plus, I’m more comfortable with Ivan guarding you at night.” He didn’t want to admit out loud that it was so he could know if she slept with the tracker. “Let me take you to Inessa,” he started to suggest just as the woman stepped into the doorway of the war room.

“Ivan sent for me. He thought you might need me this morning.” Aleksander smiled. That was exactly why Ivan was second-in-command. He always thought things through.

#aleksander x alina #alina x aleksander #aleksander morovoza #kirigan x alina #alina x kirigan #general kirigan #the darkling #alina x darkling #darklina

10 notes · View notes