sixspeed
keep your head up
Literally just romanticize your own life. What’s stopping you. Who will care. Commit to enjoying things.
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saturday may 18 2019 / written 2:01am on may 19
hey b it's may 2019.
done with APs. forever. fuck collegeboard.
watched some anime
i really wanted to talk to aaron. it's a feeling that has been on and off these past few weeks and it's gotten kind of intense.
i finally reached out to him today and i think i'm more missing the idea of him and being in love. Not him, just the idea of it all.
Our convo was really lackluster and he didn’t try and engage really. I think he’s moved on, actually. I haven’t, not really not fully, which is ironic considering how quickly I moved on after we broke up.
i kind of missed our conversations but i don’t think he’s capable of getting back to that same level anymore.
i should probably not talk to him anymore and focus on myself. read some r h sin quotes my friend
also yesterday eric was very problematic in his view of approaching women. son, you do mansplain sometimes. and you can be overly physical and i can see why somebody may have called you out on it. i’m sorry—actually no, im not.
also you’re not very good at reciprocating advice and you keep claiming one sided relationships and how everything is a transaction but i kind of see that showing in you, in your correspondence with me. also i literally checked in and asked how you were doing? and then you complained about having no one to do that for you. bitch please. you also only try to be friends with “popular kids” and complain about cliques and all
today was also prom and it was rainy. cindy went to prom and sent me some cute pics. :)
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surprise bitches, it’s april!
aka spring break. i went to my mom’s office on friday, and it was quite nice. hot chocolate + coffee is a sweet sweet deal.
i want to try to write like lemony snicket.
also i cant remember the password to this blog??????
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i don’t know how to cope with my feelings or sadness i just take naps and hope that it all passes
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sunday march 17 written @ 11:41pm
i had a dream/nightmare that my dad was out to kill me and i was hiding. i don’t really have nightmares of the supernatural lately, it’s mainly that i’m running from something or somebody. i’m not sure what that means.
i’ve also found that it’s been kind of hard to get out of bed lately. like my mom calls me, but i just don’t seem to have it in me to wake up.
i’m also trying to deal with envy. in one case, it’s how people with (arguably) worse stats than me were able to get into these schools... but i can’t seem to make it. i question whether the essays i wrote near the end of 2018 at like 3am were shitty. i also question whether i fucked it all up with a B- in ap calc and a B in ap lit first sem. that’s on me. on the other hand, i learned that sophie got into caltech today at mt and honestly i try my bes tto feel happy for other people but ig jealousy slips in? i’m kind of bashing on myself for not trying hard enough.
not sure where to go from here.
sometimes i wonder if im not grateful for everything around me. maybe i’m an ingrate.
prestige doesn’t matter? all of it? but it’s hard to pick yourself up to start doing work again.
i was kind of in a high for like the past week but now it’s kind of simmered down. i’m back to just trying to keep myself alive.
for me tmrw: pls apply to cssi and do ur ap chem lecture
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[written sunday march 17th, 11:32 pm. right before bed]
saturday march 16th
went to costco with the fam, got a lot of random food!
greek yogurt mint choco chip ice cream (yay!)
dino nuggets
a lot of dumplings
pistachios
came home and watched tv with my mom. we’ve almost finished the series.
i’ve been feeling a lil down lately.
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fri mar 15
it was kind of a sad day. jhu rd acceptance rates are 7.6% this year
will finish later
later = now
[written mar 16 12:34 pm]
finished watching the umbrella academy and i have a major crush on ellen page rn
skipped outta scioly practice bc had to “pick up sister” but like i honestly just wasn’t feeling it
was watching drama with my mom until we both fell asleep
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thu mar 14 2019, 11:53 pm
ya girl got rejected from mit today. that was quite a blow. i don’t know if i’ll ever quite forgive myself for getting a B- in calc first semester. like really? why would a tech school admit someone who didn’t even do well in math. smh. i also can’t quite forgive myself for not trying harder in english, for staying awake then.
i reacted okay. it was kind of a “huh” and then i finished watching cone’s vid on making apple pie.
today i left school early (aka after the advisory meeting) and hey our attendance lady, ms. hanna, is back! she seems pretty sweet.
i guess i’m okay with my decision. actually, i’m not sure if i’m really okay. i mean, i guess i expected it, i didn’t even plan on applying at the start of the school year anyway. i’m just worried about all the talking at school, all the discourse on “hey, so and so got into x school” and all the commentary on whether they deserved it or not.
strangely, i’m also concerned about aaron’s decisions? like in a way, i don’t want him to be better than me? i guess that’s the part where he shared my stats with his mom without my permission, and my underlying insecurity about that.
anyway, it’s the night before a chapter 19 chem quiz and i’ve almost finished the chapter, just need to watch her lecture and do the worksheets. i’ll add a second update later.
2:04 am
second update!
i read the chapter, finished the lecture notes. really bsed the worksheet though so gotta redo tmrw at school.
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wed mar 11
✨birth of this blog! i spent like 40 minutes setting it up instead of doing my homework lmao
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WEEK 11
sat mar 11
i watched a lot of that drama with my mom and it was fun!
also we went to costco/sprouts in the morning
some asian lady asked if i spoke mandarin and whether the cantaloupes were 98 cents each or pounds lmao
was fun overall!
i also listened to an audiobook of frankenstein for ~4 hours and finished the book while playing tetris and having it on at 2x speed.
went to sleep at like 12? 1?
sun mar 10
daylight savings time! apparently it’s now permanent which is nice.
woke up at like 11 though.
also tried to wash the ink stain out of my north face jacket xd
watched drama w/ my mom
made crispy almond cookies!! they turned out really nice.
Also I had a dream that I went down on someone and it was??? peculiar. Thanks brain for the reminder that I am in fact, very gay. In fact, thanks for the reminders to “do the gay thing” every like 5 minutes.
i contemplate whether that thought goes away after you come out?
monday mar 11
im always strangely anxious about going to peralta. i think it’s the prospect of the fact that i could be participating, i could be doing things correctly. but i’m not. i’m really not.
although i do think i passed the 5 min quiz today!
i went to visit sultana during lunch and made some awkward small talk ,,, she said that she would be happy to write me a rec for nasa but was concerned about the writing quality and she wants me to write some paragraphs to myself that are more pertinent? i guess.
not writing it for me
she also brought up MIT and haha “why mit” anything pertinent.
this leads me to question what waller even wrote ??????
we shall see!
i’m really anxious about pi day haha ha ha ha
also i kind of bombed last friday’s chem test… COCl2 phosgene. i understood the concepts but like didn’t really translate everything onto the page.
tue mar 12
written night of wed mar 13.
uhhhh see this is why we type things more immediately because i honestly don’t remember what happensd
i was really stressed about mc forms
wed mar 13
i’m planning on dipping tomorrow after second period.
today in english we reviewed the juggler and connor read my essay and i didn’t tell him that i found the original thing beforehand and tomorrow we’re reviewing the actual pages so i’m kinda concerned hahahaha
ok what else? i’ve been on a2c too much and refreshing my email far too much
i hope that i can get cornell wie but it seems like it’s a long shot.
i started watching the umbrella academe today and lol right now it’s 10:27 and i haven’t started my homework.
today in 5th per: fry graded 3? periods of hw and thanks! i ended finishing the other 2 periods and it was good.
he’s going to be gone tomorrow because of negotiations.
lately i’ve also transitioned from my earbuds to headphones. they block out the sound much better.
i realize when i don’t write what happens everyday down, it kind of just gets lost… lost in the void of my head and i forget things so easily.
today, i was also stressed about mc forms but they extended the deadline to friday and i handed off the forms to nikki after school. arc kind of stresses me bc nobody seems to be doing work.. and i question if people are competent and even working? anyway the question remains: mochi ice cream or popeyes
anyway tomorrow mit decisions come out and i really just don’t want to have to remove anything from my wall. (the flags). i’ve already had so many flags that i didn’t apply to and they’re just all sitting in the other room. i feel like i owe it to my parents to have something to be proud of? something to brag to their friends about but i honestly don’t know.
also i really need to get participation i’m at like 5/30 rn and there’s one month left and i should be SCARED. i don’t seem to be. asdl;kfaslkj :( kina sad dude.
also should i move all of this to tumblr?
answer: yes, i moved it all to tumblr [mar 13 10:56 pm]
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wed mar 13 2019
[uploading all of my past entries in a flood]
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WEEK 9
saturday feb 23 [feb 26 11:33 pm]
i don’t really remember what happened on this day?
i remember finding korrafitness on tumblr and then i tried to do pushups/situps
sunday feb 24 [feb 26 11:33 pm]
woke up with a terrible headache! i’ve never woken up with a headache before sooooo that was new
it turns out i may have caught a cold from saturday night’s exercise
smh gOALS
went to MT, trying to stay brain working was terrible
parents bought me a pineapple bun!
went to mock tournament, jack kinda bombed the forensics part
i kid of bombed the protein modeling part
went home, took a nap on mom’s bed, woke up and i had a fever. not good!! took some tylenol
monday feb 25 [feb 26 11:35pm]
woke up without a fever, went to school : bad decision, brain really really hurt
dad’s car got hit by samir banerjee’s car near temple beth torah, car is totaled
spent this day panicking bc i took tylenol after school and then cram studied math
got into sjsu!
tuesday feb 26
showed up to school at 7 am to do retake, did it, i completely skipped a problem ? ? that’s not very good
peralta roasted people who retook really hard and he was disappointed
i’ve reached peak uh-oh levels i like didn’t even make a silly mistake i just… skipped the problem ? ?
i still got a 77% and now my math grade is an 86 and that’s the brightest it’s been in awhile.
failed trig quiz bc i don’t remember the expansion for sin/cos. i resolve to memorize this wednesday morning.
dipped, went home, slept from 11 am to 6 pm. ate some food, did chem lab stuff. i’m kind of overwhelmed by all that i have to do tomorrow.
wednesday feb 27 [written during trucker on feb 28]
made a really complex plan to carry out stuff in the afternoon. it didn’t really work out and gave me a lot of anxiety.
so i didn’t finish my math hw until like 7.
did chem lab and it really annoyed me. I’m really stressed for math test today ahhh
thursday feb 28
??
i forgot lol
friday mar 1
math test went well! he posted and i got a 96! i almost didn’t figure out some of it but ultimately it worked out.
saturday mar 2
saw aaron in the morning when i was at my fave place
exp design went ok
maybe i should look more into myself and less blaming when i do things.
saw sarah w briefly in the hallway
i was really upset about forensics though
I SAW CAROLYN LAI at awards
she got 2nd in MP and haha it was nice to see
i saw aaron in like the entry lobby way after exp design and made eye contact but didn’t say anything .
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WEEK 7
saturday
i had an interview with selene. she works at thermofisher in pleasanton, graduated bioE! it was super cool to learn from someone who is actually in the field in industry
we were both sort of awkward though soooOo
also i was super pissed about my upper lip hair so i kinda went ham
the 5 minute rule really is a thing? if they can’t fix it in 5 min don’t comment on it.
i remember when katherine guo commented on my teeth. when lucy zhang shouted “you have a mustache!”
shit hurts. it sticks.
write thank you email
mit fun form
chem lab
read the chapter
cs hg
math problems
read frankenstein
sunday
went to costco at 9 am
wrote a thank you to selene
I’m frustrated? like just angry inside and i don’t know what to do about it
monday
cat asked for relationship advice with nate about like another girl she was lw jealous about and aaron gave relationship advice and ever-so-lightly shaded me and i feel kind of pissed? ???
like BOI u indirectly called me irresponsible
also the “just between you and me esha, being single is great”
alright lol me too
I !! reacted and haha reacted tot hose
that was kind of an oof
today in peralta i was so sure that i would get that participation but i didn’t cause he said to put up the net few on the other board. I’m beginning to think that the peak place to sit is not where i am currently .
straight girls HURT
google cssi: https://buildyourfuture.withgoogle.com/programs/computer-science-summer-institute/#!?detail-content-tabby_activeEl=overview
i miss you and it hurts like a bitch
tuesday
okaaaay lol went home after 2nd per ! lady let me walk home
it was a really nice walk home and then i napped
watched an ep of grey’s, did HG GCD easy peasy and also did math hw!
some of y’all are on my girls-i-would-date-if-they-weren’t-straigh list.
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WEEK 5
weekend recap
saturday
went on a hike/adventure with cindy, went to sabercat creek hiking place (secret garden) took a shortcut down, ended up taking a longer time than if we actually just went down the normal way.
she’s scared of plants and fungi??
aaron’s grandpa died, he was kind of sad
sunday
did some guitar research. a bit too much.
went to mt, we are learning ch 10 but we’re on ch11, that’s weird
tried to do math hw at night, failed
talked to aaron, the dude asked me if he should move on? and honestly yeah i think so. for him it still kind of hurts? and he said he wanted to balance it, to talk to me. it doesn’t hurt for me at all? also talked about what we wanted from a relationship, what we want to get out of it. i don’t think i want one or need one lmao.
monday
learned that “5 minute” was omitted from the syllabus and we have 5 min quizzes that are 25% ha HA
25 quizzes, 30 participation, ends 2 weeks before APs
kind of sad that my grade is stuck where it is now.
got into uminn!
maybe try plan? i like todoist though. cons: todoist premium ends eventually :(
struggled to turn in grad night forms but did it !!
KBrO4 = kay bro!
https://www.amazon.com/Yamaha-FS800-Concert-Acoustic-Limited/dp/B01GRO2D3E/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1548746874&sr=8-4&keywords=yamaha+fs800
https://www.amazon.com/ChromaCast-Acoustic-Guitar-6-Pocket-Sampler/dp/B00A716FB0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1548746211&sr=8-2&keywords=chromacast%2Bcase&th=1
tuesday
song of today: nights like this
joined squat and squad yesterday — saw ronuk and kristine! i have 9 friends in there and i guess we’ll just never…talk about it.
was going to read chem textbook but just did lab calculations. will do them today during read or 5th per.
probably spent too much time looking up guitars, found a cool guitarist named yvette
maybe switch to plan?
in my brain, my cringe moment with joon always comes up, with that document i sent to him about rice and culture. more fondly however, i think of my conversation with walter. i probably need to get more in tune with things and not cry? every time. lmao.
i also don’t like talking to aaron about like extracurricular stuff? like great, his harvard interviewer really loved him. i shouldn’t seek someone out just because they’re going to a good school. also the kid is doing usabo chem only, and physics and maybe i should start studying for usabo!!
also maybe i should exercise.
today we thought there was going to be a five minute quiz but there really wasn’t.
so i think i have to fix my life now… how should i go about doing it?
wednesday
took awhile to wake up today. i was supposed to wake up early and study for 5 min quiz, but i didn’t.
lazy day.
i messed up on my quiz though, i forgot improper integrals and also the domain restriction!
*** you don’t need to add restrictions if they don’t ask for it!
it was easy though, probably need to review and get good since it’s 25% of grade :(
i completed HG Count during lunch though!
fry is absent today. we had the same sub during econ, he was kind of a yikes. we went to get our gov books and i bumped into prey who took an interesting picture of me!
when is a trig sub necessary?
after school: i binged stevie and ally videos and im SAD and i also want a girlfriend :(
also i’ve been lw seeing random gay couples around ????????????????
like HOW do you do that what th e fuck
OK how much time do i waste on the internet looking at gay stuff? ?????????????
niki is getting laid off :(
also i was checking my MIT portal and then bam i get an interview request
thursday
sooooo i failed a trig quiz. i also got a 99/100 on my cs final! :)
without me was playing near the A wing. tiffany wants to go somewhere out of state?
FUCK I didn’t write my applicant update. i had the excuse of waiting for grades to update. my lit grade finalized and ima sad boi.
friday
for keynote on tuesday ig: go to terminal and enter
Mac/Linux: nc towel.blinkenlights.nl 23
Windows:
pkgmgr /iu:"TelnetClient"
Restart command prompt
Telnet Towel.blinkenlights.nl
FRQs to do
2016 Q2
** 2016 Q3
2015 Q5 C13
2014 Q1
2014 Q7 Rate, Half-ilfe
2013 Q3 Rate
2013 Q2 moles
keep your head up keep your heart strong - lil bev’s fave song
????????? went to sleep early
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WEEK 4
last day of semester 1 finals
FRIDAY
[8:32 am]
what is there not to love about you?
i entered semester 1 final for stats
bumped into my biology teacher and she told me “get into MIT!”
does this mean she wrote me a nice rec after writing the regeneron one? hm
kind of anxious about USC but then it probably won’t happen
[9:30 am]
had a dream that i had to take fry’s stats final and i only did like 60% of the questions
another dream where i got into ucla and i was in a very nice library
why do my dreams always involve me running away or hiding from someone or something ?
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jan 24 2019
someone who gets admitted to an insane asylum but they’re fine
are they fine though
spoken word inappropriate on schools
look me in the eye and tell me it’s not
story ideas
what do i do with my time
told aaron no yesterday
maybe i should get a notebook to write, just write but i think i’m just afraid of someone reading something physical
[added jan 25 8:34]
went with cindy on a loop, met at the bridge on palm
dropped by her house
found a cool garden
went to T4
found a nice empty field
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