skiittles

[skiittles]

seeing a black and white cow is always so damn awesome it’s like Hey i know that guy.from my kindergarten abcs

[skiittles]

[skiittles]

Your evil mother was killed by a demonic entity that took her form. It planned to torture you by revealing itself when you grew up, and feast on your terror and fear. When the day came, however, you felt no fear or despair. Instead, you thanked the demon for being the best mother ever.

[skiittles]

[skiittles]

3 yrs after leaving, dad died

3 years after leaving, my dad died, very suddenly. we were devastated. it feels like it’s been forever or 5 minutes, which i hate. a constant state of i just saw you and i’ve missed you for years. i walked into the courthouse to get my marriage license. i spent most of my days in the basement of that building but the whole building is very familiar to me. i love it. it’s beautiful and old, and i love old shit.

grief is interesting. it hits you like a tsunami at first…and it stays. it doesn’t get smaller, you build life around it, you stay distracted from it. until you find or feel that one thing that makes the tsunami hit again. for me its the tingle i get in my shoulders when i walk into my moms house (we used to exchange shoulder rubs and he always made it funny) or how every time i found a new road that would take me home/somewhere i needed to be i told him. and still want to every time i find a new road. its the songs we used to listen to, or the funny little facts i know about my hometown because he was born, raised, and died here so he knew everything. its every time i drive downtown and see where he used to work. i remember running through the basement halls of the courthouse. i remember the sound of my mary jane heels clicking on the concrete. and the smell of all the ink and paper wafting from his office. i remember looking up through the grated window from the back desk and seeing snow, watching tv and chewing double bubble. i remember hiding in the giant maps that hung in the second office, tracing my finger in the cement between the huge bricks because it was the exact size of my finger.

my family had an RV we used to travel in and my siblings always rode in the van with mom, i always rode in the RV with dad. i cherish those long drives with him. he let me bring my iPod and speaker and we listened to music. i remember he started a thing where we would wave ridiculously to the other RV drivers on the other side of the road. and whenever we got a wave back, he would laugh so hard.

i was never really the little girl that thought about her wedding. the only things i really cared about were the dress, the ring, the GUY, and dad being able to walk me down the aisle. so after he died, most of my desire for a wedding went out the window. which i’m not trying to make sound like some sob story, i just didn’t really want one anymore. we had a small wedding at my house and it was beautiful and intimate and i wouldn’t want it any other way.

i had a dream shortly after he died. it was short but fantastic. i was just walking in this really crowded airport. i didn’t have a destination in mind but i seemed to be walking with purpose. i remember looking to my left and my dad is walking the opposite way from me, across this huge hallway. i run over to him and he embraces me. we’re holding each others arms and i was looking at him puzzled and i said ‘dad, you..dad you can’t be here?’ not because i didn’t want him there, i was just confused because it felt that real. and he kept holding my arms, both our hands on each others elbows, and he just looked at me, smiled and said ‘but i’m here.’ and we hugged and cried. i think that was us actually getting to say goodbye since we didn’t get to on earth.

i miss you dad. i miss you when mom and the girls are fighting. i miss you when theres a lull in the conversation and we need a laugh. i miss you when i hear a song i want to show you or when i see something i think you’d like. i miss your voice, laughter, and your hugs. i’m sorry i moved away. i will miss you for the rest of my life.

[skiittles]

being able to write endless bullshit here may keep me from going insane

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“I must write it all out, at any cost. Writing is thinking. It is more than living, for it is being conscious of living.”

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh

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bullshit pt. 2

i was going to go with reddit for this but honestly so many of those stories end up on tik tok i don’t wanna risk it. i haven’t posted in a long time and tbh i forgot about the one post that’s on this blog. i remember being really angry honestly…i’m debating deleting it but i part of me doesn’t want to. a lot has happened since B was diagnosed. she was so young when it happened, all of us kids were really. she’s 20 now which is amazing, there was a time when we were told that she would never make it that far. however there were many side effects, a lot of them are listed in my last post. the one that makes me the saddest is that she is basically stuck as a 13 yr old forever. it’s hard for her to connect socially which is a direct and permanent side effect of radiation on the brain. there’s another kid we know that had the same brain cancer except he was only 7 when he was diagnosed. he’s about 20 now and when you speak to him it is just very obvious that he’s not all there. B is not quite like that because she was older when diagnosed/treated, but it is still kind of there.

my youngest sister struggles with her and their differences a lot. i’ve wondered if she blames or resents her for their childhood basically falling apart. my parents and two sisters went to st. jude while my brother and i stayed behind, so i don’t exactly know how bad it was for them. they’ve told me but i’ll never know firsthand. i don’t want to know firsthand but i also kind of feel guilty for not knowing. things were so hard back then…mom was traumatized and checked out, i moved two hours away and ended up in a lightly abusive relationship. i lived out of my hometown for 4 years before coming back. i’m back now and not only did alot happen after i left, but alot has happend since i got back. i do regret moving sometimes but i also am very grateful i moved. i needed to get some space and learn how to be on my own and also kinda be far enough away to where they couldn’t just come right over. but i also missed the last four years of my dads life. i honestly don’t think i would’ve moved if my shitty ex , N, hadn’t been soooo for it. he really wanted me to so i would spend the night since my parents didn’t let me. i’ll have to save that for another post because i haven’t written about the whole thing since it happened so I think that will be in the near future. i really hope no one fucking reads this. bye

[skiittles]

bullshit

i am really thankful for this site. i know there are other places i could spill my shit but here we are. i feel like i’m not going to get back into writing my feelings so why not blog into a void i’ve gone thru alot in the passed few years between an abusive relationship, sexual assault, and pediatric cancer. fuck. who would’ve thought THAT would happen to my family?? you never think it’s gonna be you. not me sounding like a young adult novel...but its true. the movies lowkey do a good job at describing how it feels to get news about cancer. it’s devastating. it makes your ears ring and your vision go blurry. especially when it’s a child, like who deserves that?? i was 18 when my 12 yr old sister was diagnosed with medulloma blastoma...i dont care if the spelling is right but thats how it sounds. it has no relation to genetic cancer, roughly 8 kids in every state get it and it almost ruined my family. sometimes i hate talking about it but most of the time it feels good. it is constantly on my chest so when i talk about it, it’s like a mini vacation because someone else gets to feel a glimpse of the pain i felt when we were told. it’s not about attention, it’s not about the spotlight on me. its please someone else feel this pain while i’m talking up a storm so i can stop feeling it for a split second. thats selfish but sometimes, most times, i don’t care. heart shattering isn’t even close to what i felt the first time i saw her after everything happened.   and let me be clear, i didn’t have the best relationship with my sister prior to...we were really far apart in age and i found both my younger sisters annoying. so when she ended up almost dying in the hospital i realized how detached i was from her life..and it shouldnt have taken that much for me to realize it and i will feel guilty about that for a long time. i wish it would stop, honestly. thankfully, we have a great relationship now and i miss her all the time.  the hospital was horrible. she had brain surgery because one of her tumors, the biggest one, caused her to stop responding and that’s the only reason anyone believed she had cancer. every doctor before then said she just had horrible vertigo and that it would never go away. wrong dickfuck it was 6 fucking brain tumors. i mean why did you even go to school you fucking idiot. k i l l  y o u r s e l f. i watched my mom deteriorate in real time and i have to say that is not something i wish on anyone. if there’s anything worse than watching your baby sister have a fucking brain tumor (or 6) it’s watching your mother fall apart because there’s nothing she can do.  i found out thru facebook that she had cancer. i rushed to the hospital expecting another answer, as if that were true. mom told me she didn’t even deserve the 12 years she got with her. i probably will never forget the look in her eyes when she said that. she meant it. i told her she was being too hard on herself. it breaks my heart she would even say that. i know most kids say they have the best mom, but i have never seen a mother love her own kids like my mom. it’s fierce and unapologetic. it’s like lightning. she’s the strongest woman i know, and i’m grateful Jesus gave me to her. my sister is alive btw. she’s my age now when i found out, and she’s beautiful. the cancer took her hair forever but she doesn’t even need it, and she has plenty of wigs. i’m so proud of her. i tear up sometimes when i see her because she has been through so much that she didn’t deserve. harsh realities and so much nausea. hair loss, hearing loss, sense of smell loss, cataracts in her eyes, weight loss, chemo...being ripped from everything she knew at 12...i can’t imagine. and she still loves Jesus. she’s so much stronger than me. the wisdom she already has is inspiring. and she’s so kind, the kind that would make shitty people mad and i love it about her, she shines. i want the world for my sisters my youngest sister is a completely different kind of strong. she overcame having to possibly bury her sister at the ripe old age of 10. she went thru and watched her sister wither away from chemo and cancer and endured being neglected unintentionally bc bailey needed so much attention...she was also ripped away from everything she knew at an even younger age.  she was too young to go in the hospital room bailey almost died in so my mom literally recorded a video of her on her phone of jamie saying goodbye to bailey and how much she loves her and that she will miss her. i....have never forgotten that. she was crying in the video. she was so little. she didnt deserve that. shes 16 now and she is a girl on fire. so incredibly kind and sweet but if you cross her she will absolutely call you out. i admire both of these girls, i love them

i dont have time for therapy so this is what ive decided will be my therapy!

#cancer #braincancer #therapy