soullikethesea

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Mikel Jollett, Hollywood Park

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#I really want to get theeeeseeee #they're expensive so I'll try not to get them #but omg they're so cool #and soothing #Youtube

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Imagine my shock as a neurodivergent teen when I first realized that using large vocabulary and eloquent speech doesn't make you less likely to be misinterpreted, rather it adds an entirely new layer of misinterpretation I had never even realized existed in the form of people thinking you're being snobbish or condescending when you're just trying to be specific

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People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

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Small update

I cancelled T this week, because work has been a lot. I also seem to be on the brink of a cold and I don't want to take chances with that.

I received a bunch of good feedback about work. Someone higher up said positive things about me for like 5 minutes straight and couldn't really come up with negatives. (Of course I have negatives, and she only saw me do my job for a small amount of time). But... it feels big, like a milestone. She mentioned things that I aspire to be and it just means a lot. Like that I am very well-prepared and professional, good at communicating, good at using my voice when in front of a group, reflective/thoughtful, have a calming but focused effect on people, use helpful visuals that are not distracting, and am super respectful/friendly while at the same time naturally demanding respect for myself as well. Those are some big things!

It feels a little bit like I'm blooming. The fruits of my labour for years are starting to show. As a kid (well, mostly Mae), I already felt that I could be like this. It was just that no one else seemed to see it or welcome it. So I was like an outcast and a key difference was that I had barely any power. Now I *have* power and I am not abusing it, I am using it wisely. It makes me feel safe, but it also makes other people feel safe and that is a big win.

I texted my sister to try to reconnect and she also complimented me, said I was so calm, kind and patient with her kids.

And I can't yet be all I'd like to be in this world, but at least sometimes I'm making a positive impact and I'd like to hold on to that.

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do it for her (your thirteen year old self)

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Still overwhelmed. Today was quite nice. I exercised/socialized for like half the day, rested in bed, then cooked dinner and did the grading work. I didn't make it to the prep work, so that will be a bit stressful tomorrow.

I spent some of the weekend at my sister's place and for a few days before I went I could tell that I was tensing up. While walking the last bit to her place, I almost fainted and had couple of jump-scares where I thought that environmental noises were her suddenly showing up behind me.

The time itself was fine, but I was quite tired and therefore I couldn't really be "my best self" and so I worry about her family tolerating/liking me. But Sunday she told me what my gut had been telling me without words, without consciously knowing: she talked to our dad and they made up.

So the deep loyalty is back.

I'm happy for her that they have an actual relationship. It's different than what my dad has with me, where everything is on his terms and I know I cannot count on him to be there when I would need him to be. It scares the hell out of me that now she is back within his realm.

She already told me that she would always pick him over me, when I was a teenager. It just feels so damn painful and unsafe. And I noticed some of the family legacy happening to my nephew. Someone was calling him "too nice", and I swear that it is our curse. He doesn't stick up for himself when others reject him.

It all just brings up so much emotion. Too much, too scary. Things are no longer the way they were. My oldest siblings said that they have also lost touch with our parents, it's not just me and the sister that now made up. They are no longer almighty and incredibly powerful.

But I still feel like *I* am small and powerless. Like I'm a feather that can be blown away in the wind. Worth-less. "Iota" comes to mind, "I don't give an iota about that" (kind of like "not giving a damn"). It was one of the first names I gave myself. Iota; Nothing.

But my covers are soft and I have a hot water bottle. I live in a different house now. I'm already old. All I have to do right now is keep breathing and perhaps sleep.

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#Mae with the food trauma stuff

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hey you, learn about the phases of a migraine attack!

migraine is a neurological disorder that involves a shit ton of different symptoms that might not seem related, but are often debilitating and can disrupt someone's life for days at a time.

not every person will experience every phase of this timeline with every migraine attack, not every possible symptom that can be associated with a migraine attack is listed, and many will experience phases lasting longer than what is listed here. this is just a helpful graphic to get an idea of what the timeline of a migraine attack can look like.

a single migraine attack can last a week or more!

PRODROME: this phase lasts a few hours to days. there are a ton of seemingly unrelated symptoms that can actually signal the start of a migraine attack. being able to identify prodrome symptoms is essential to navigating migraine attacks, as they can vary from person to person, and most patients have no idea that there can be warning signs like these up to days ahead of the severest part of the pain.

prodrome phase symptoms can include:

irritability

depression

yawning

increased need to urinate

food cravings

sensitivity to light or sound

problems concentrating

fatigue and muscle stiffness

difficulty speaking and reading

nausea

difficulty in sleeping

AURA: 5-60 minutes. more migraine patients seem to be conscious about the aura phase than the prodrome phase, because these symptoms might only show up in a specific person right before the headache phase of a migraine attack. some people get blurry vision, blind spots, or temporarily stop being able to see altogether. others might see lights, flashing, or geometric shapes that are not there.

aura phase symptoms can include:

visual disturbances

loss of sight

numbness and tingling on part of the body

HEADACHE: the ouch part. this is where the pain climaxes, and it can last 4-72 hours. for some the pain is mild, and for others the pain is really really really really bad. the apparent site of the pain often moves throughout the headache phase of a migraine attack. despite being called the headache phase, not all symptoms are actually related to having pain in the head. this is just the phase where the worst part of the headache happens.

headache phase symptoms can include:

throbbing

drilling

icepick sensation in the head

burning

nausea

vomiting

giddiness

insomnia

nasal congestion

anxiety

depressed mood

sensitivity to light, smell, sound

neck pain and stiffness

POSTDROME: also called a "migraine hangover". after the main head pain is over, and the pain should typically drop in severity pretty fast around now, the migraine attack is still not fully over. the postdrome phase can last 24-48 hours.

postdrome phase symptoms can include:

inability to concentrate

fatigue

depressed mood

euphoric mood

lack of comprehension

being able to identify patterns and symptoms associated with migraine attacks at all phases can be critical to understanding when something is a medical emergency, a different medical condition, or part of migraine. the symptoms associated with a migraine attack can easily be mistaken for something more life-threatening like a stroke, but migraine attacks often have patterns, timelines, and buildup.

migraine patients can wind up getting unnecessary and unsuccessful surgeries (such as in the mouth, sinuses, or shoulders), or getting misdiagnosed with one thing or another because they might not be able to recognize their own migraine symptoms, or might not recognize that they can have so many seemingly unrelated symptoms from a migraine attack across such a long period of time.

when it comes to migraine attacks, the severity of pain ≠ the severity of the pathology, at least in terms of things that might endanger someone's life. it can hurt like hell, it can really really really fucking hurt like hell, it might feel like death, and it can still be a migraine attack.

which is important to understand, because migraine can be more painful and debilitating than many immediately life-threatening conditions, and is among the most debilitating neurological conditions in the world.

#migraines

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I kind of lost words again. Not sure where it happened exactly, but I'm quite overwhelmed. Perhaps a bit too much socializing, too. (Most of this post is just rambling).

I did well at work. Connected with the new groups.

But my heart keeps racing and I'm quite anxious a lot of the time. -_- Not super fun. I also really don't want to work out, which is maybe just because I'm tired. I'm not going to push it.

I kind of wish I could just hide away and play a bit of Stardew Valley. Order food. Go to sleep early. I'm going to my sister's place instead to babysit. Will take some grading work with me.

I'm sure tomorrow there will be enough time to do the other stuff, Stardew Valley, etc. And on Sunday I can do more grading and prep work. Then Monday evening there's yoga to look forward to!

I just wish I'd feel more confident and less heavy. I keep thinking: "Ich kann nicht mehr" (like what you'd say when you're running and at some point you really can't anymore and you have to walk). I'm at that point for a bit. Taking deep breaths. Hoping it will all pass without me really listening to it. 🙈

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not going to lie to you they are charging to muuch for all this crap at the store

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Your mom finding her friend at a store is like unskippable cutscenes

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