staybeforegettingaway

[staybeforegettingaway]

Tonight, I decide to write to you. Surprisingly it is the first time. Just so you know, it shall be the last too. I met you a little over a year ago. We were at work dealing with a matter we did not agree on. I said what I had to. You didn't appreciate it. You stood up to me. I did to you. We looked at each other, waiting for the other to look down. None of us did. You gave up eventually. You didn't have a choice.

Those eyes. When you looked at me. For the first time I felt like I existed. Like somebody treated me as their equal. You didn't care about my age, my lack of experience. You treated me with respect. For that I thank you. For what happened next though..

After that I could not get you out of my mind. We stared at each other often. I suddenly felt out of breath when you approached me, talked to me. The last time I spoke to you, my legs weakened. The next time, no words came out the way I wanted them to. It took me by surprise.

The reality is. You are not available. You just aren't. It hurts. I go back into thinking that I don't exist, that I don't deserve to be loved. You can't do anything about it. You never did anything wrong. Thanks to you I felt something for the first time since what seemed like forever. We won't ever be a thing. There will never be an "us". It's ok. It has to. I just have to move on.

One day I'll read this again and think about you. I will be with someone who will be there for me. I will smile. Close the book. Put it back on the table. And I will thank you one last time, for showing me that I did not miss on anything after all.

On the day before your birthday, I'll start by closing the chapter.

[staybeforegettingaway]

Two hundred and ninety five. That's the number of letters we wrote each other. During six months I was only waiting for the next one to arrive. None of them said what I was feeling inside me though.

We talked about everything. My life here, your life there. Your struggles, new ways of living. My new encounters. It was easy. Selfless. Just an urge to know how it was for you. I admired you so bad for doing that. I was proud of you. I learnt to keep living without you. But your letters were always the reminder that you were still there.

Before you left, it took us 4 months to know each other. We had projects. Everything was a goal. We were so open to learn everything we could. Every topic ended up being a debate. I don't know where it stopped. I don't know why the last letter was the last one. You just came back I guess. And I was too blind to see how I really felt. Too afraid.

I think I realized when you told me you were in a relationship with her. We were out, at a restaurant. And at the very end, when we didn't have much time left. You told me. Your parents knew about her, you sister knew about her. But we, your friends, didn't. I didn't. Why didn't you tell me sooner. I guess I'll never know. Was my reaction good enough? I sometimes tell myself it was not. But I was not chocked. I was not surprised. I think my reaction was just pure jealousy. Of her. I didn't know how to act around you anymore. I still don't in a way. A wall built itself up between us. Without me seeing it coming. When I reflect on this period of time. I wish I knew better. I wish I knew myself better. I wish I had been braver.

Four months. Two hundred and ninety five letters. It was not enough for me to see it. But now I do.

I guess I should not tell, but you were my first broken heart.

[staybeforegettingaway]

When I grow up, I want to be independent. This statement I made to myself unconsciously from the day I was born. 

I first arrived when people around were grieving. Therefore, I only had myself to rely on to exist. The person they lost. I lost myself with it. I’ve always had a feeling we met each other. Before it all began. Or more accurately, when it ended for her, and before it started for me. We’ve never lived in the same world at the same time. She had her own, I tried to create mine. But the facts are. I arrived after hers’. And hers’ is the only one that has remained in my mind. How come can you miss someone you never encountered? She exists. In their minds, their memory, in History. She was strong. She suffered in silence. She wanted to live. I never asked to come on this earth while at the same time she was fighting to stay there so bad. Was it written in advance? Were our paths never meant to cross each other? Was it her or me? 

What would she say now? What would she have lived? Where? With who? What job would she have had? How many more lives would she have changed? Did she had anything figured out? Twenty years. That’s all she got. I’ve had six more so far. And for what? 

I don’t know how to live for myself, by myself. I don’t know how to live without their expectations in the back of my mind. Don’t date a man who makes you suffer. Be a strong woman. Fall for the right person. Find one that don’t take your success as a threat. Find one that don’t take anything for granted, one that knows that women are as capable as men if not better. Be the change we would have wanted to bring into this world. Be us.. only better. Don’t make the same mistakes. Don’t make mistakes. Period. Because it costs too much. To your heart, to your soul. You owe it to yo(u)r(s)elf. We can’t take more disappointments from life. So even if you get some, don’t share them. Keep it to yourself. Always. 

Men have destroyed us. They never let us be who we really were destined to be. We tried but they kept us from doing it. Alcoholic. Violent. Coward. Passive. Gone too soon. They made us fall into depression, sadness, rage, feeling abandoned. They were our dreams but became our nightmares.

They say they would have been happier without men in their lives but they can’t stand being alone. 

Where do I stand? Which voice is mine? 

I want to quit the fight. I took the weapons for everyone, fought long enough for a battle that was not even mine. And yet, I feel like I am betraying them. Turning my back on them. I know deep inside me that none of this is my responsibility. Who gave it to me? Did I take it to punish myself from being born instead of her still living? 

I have a feeling nobody noticed me. How come could someone love me for me, when all I have been all those years is a combination of all of them. 

[staybeforegettingaway]

He cried for me.

He cried for me.

He cried for me.

He cared. I asked him. 

How come did I not even thought of it? He cried for me. He was touched and cried for me. Why does it feel like it was the first time anyone did that for me?

#self love #healing

[staybeforegettingaway]

Do you ever feel trapped? Trapped in a world where your image is more important than your words? Where your intuition is constantly shattered by the influence of others? Where the government does not protect you unless they feel like they can make money off of you? Do you ever feel like everybody has turned the same? That the ones you looked up to are now just a pale copy of everyone else? Do you ever feel like your mind is so much different than what they expect? And that this difference is no longer a strength but considered a weakness? Do you ever feel like your brain is foggy? By all the standards they want to impose to you while you just want to feel free? Free to go, free to see, free to be. Free to experience the world a different way. Your way. Free to suffer or thrive. Free to love who you want, where you want IF you want. Free to remain alone without being lonely. Free from their judgemental looks and thoughts.

Do you ever feel like all this social networking has killed the human being? That humans are now more envying than living?

So what now? What would it take for us to go back to basics? To learn how to look around and care less about the likes than the actual subjects? Does every topic has to lead to a violent debate? Until another one comes in more willing to interest? When will power stop being the end game? When will the consequences of their behavior be shown as the real deal?

Confined they say. Quarantined they say. When in reality.. we trapped ourselves a long time ago in a way worse scenario.

#21century #socialmedia #self love #beyou #different

[staybeforegettingaway]

This is it. I did text you. I did go out with you. I asked you out with the fear to never be able to go through with it. I asked you out with the anxiety that you actually would be like I envisioned you. Did I really want you to be the one for me? I was surprised with the man I found. Carring, touching, uncomfortable, full of fears. A sensitive human. I practically saw myself in you. I couldn't help but try to comfort you. Even if I was myself full of fears. I felt bad most of the time. I wanted to leave in the middle of it. I did not know what to tell you. Nothing felt natural. Is it only because I figured we weren't a match after all? Did I idealized you too much over the years? Or were you exactly like I expected you to be and got scared? One more time. What I am proud of is to have persued. If you had told me years ago I would be the one asking you out I would have called you crazy. You were everything to me. You were in my dreams, my nightmares. You were the good and the bad. The possibility and the unreachable. You were the chapter unfinished, the excuse in my mind. You were the ancre that held me from going on. Is that it in the end? Did I reach you only to be able to forget you? Is my heart now open because of you? Or despite you? Or is it really? I still want to talk to you. To find out. But what I need to understand is that knowing you won't help me to know myself better.

[staybeforegettingaway]

I don’t know who I am anymore. I have lost control over myself. And while everybody seems to tell me how important this is to not always have control over yourself, I don’t know how to manage this loss as I always have lived this way. My body, my brain are enough. They can’t handle it. The clock has ticked. I have to make a change. Last night, I was out with some friends. I really wanted to be there so I went knowing it would probably be hard for me as the last days have been. At first everything went well. I even enjoyed being there for a while. But at some point, when people were asking about me, I was about to lose it. My brain couldn’t function straight. I could not say what I wanted I just mumbled. My brain seemed to be disconnected. How to connect back to my soul? How am I going to find my purpose? I thought I had gone through difficult times in my life but this. It is on an all other level. I hope I’ll get through it. I know I am about to learn more about myself than I ever did. There will probably be a lot of cries, a lot of screams, a lot of uncomfortable feelings along the way. But this is a needed passage. We’ll see where it leads me. I have to be patient, understanding of my body, my mind. It is hard but I want to take care of myself. I don’t really have a choice anyway I can’t pretend anymore. Let’s do this. Now. Scary but good scary.

[staybeforegettingaway]

I feel free. And whenever I feel trapped in the future, I’ll make sure I’ll look back on this and remember: ‘I once felt free. Why not again?’

[staybeforegettingaway]

I’ve felt good the past few days. At least that’s the impression I have looking back on it. Have I been at my best? No. But I have not stopped myself from doing something I wanted to do. I have not let my fears take the best of me. Am I in a good place? No. But I have finally realized that No I don’t have to do anything anymore. I must not anymore. Those barriers I had put up on myself. Those standards. How I have to feel at a certain time, how I have to act near certain people, what my life has to look like. Not anymore. I want to live the life I want to live. Without the fear of it not being good enough, spectacular enough. I still have doubts on what I want to achieve. I still am expecting something big coming out of it. I am still afraid I won’t be able to do, to feel everything I want to do and feel. And what if I don’t? Then I won’t. And it will be ok. Because the plans I make for myself are just that. Plans. And not achieving them don’t mean I failed. It doesn’t mean my life is wasted. Because maybe something better will happen. Something I did not even expected. I have this image of what my life should look like. But nothing ever happens based on that. The image we have in our minds, they keep us going. But we have to reevaluate them over and over again. I don’t mean we have to question everything we do. We just have to accept that not everything will turn out the way we thought it would. And again. That’s ok. I hope one day I can look back on this and tell myself: “See?! I told you. You didn’t expect that. That was not part of your plan and yet?! You’re happy”. Your life doesn’t have to look like everybody’s. Make your own. Who cares if someone doesn’t think it’s worth it. Who cares if your choices don’t reflect what you had in mind in a first place. Who cares if you change your mind and flip everything to do something else. Your life belong to you. Only you. Don’t be afraid to live. You won’t be disappointed. 

[staybeforegettingaway]

The picture I have of you. How perfect you are to my eyes. Everything I said would happen did. Don’t get me wrong. Not the part where I tell you how I feel, how much I want to know more about you. What happened is I saw you, randomly just like I imagined. When I think about it, it is disturbing how I met you again in the exact circumstances I had envisioned. But the worst of it all is that my reaction was as expected. I was completely out of it. Out of breath. My mind going all over the place. Trying to formulate one full sentence. I stood there, watching you while looking down at the same time, listening to you without being able to answer back. In a second, my brain flipped. And even if I know nothing is forever. That not reacting was not my only missing chance, I still feel like I blew it. It was it. I had it. And yet, I did not take it. When will I learn. When will I know better. When will I stop being overwhelmed by my emotions. I don’t deny them. I just don’t want to undergo them anymore. I want to be able to use them to my advantage even when they apparently are bad. I want you even if I am scared of how imperfect you’ll appear to me once I overcome my fears. I just want you. I want you now. 

[staybeforegettingaway]

When he told me how scared he was never to find a girl that corresponds to him I wanted to scream out loud it was me. But I didn’t. Because I thought that if he didn’t see it by himself, maybe it meant I was not.

[staybeforegettingaway]

“Sometimes I feel alone. Like today.“ Those words I wrote just yesterday. With those dots. Feeling empty once again. And yet today what I feel is on an all other level. Today I realized how surrounded I was. This year has been amazing for me. I did not find myself entirely but I certainly grew way more than I would have expected. When I think about how I was living not even a year ago versus how I am right now.. The people I met. I consider myself lucky. All my life I have been surrounded by inspiring people. And this year has not been any different. I can count them on more than one hand and I know the way they impacted my life, I will never forget this journey. Tonight, I am alone. I wanted to be. And yet, I am not. For the first time in a long time, I see further than my eyes do. Randoms hearts and words saying ‘I miss you’ appear on my screen. I do too. miss them. They are my rocks, a part of me. And they will always be. When I say that, I am not being naive. I am not saying this will last forever. That we will always see each other all the time. But what will last forever is their impact on my life. They have helped me grow. And when some of them thank me for making them grow up, they don’t even realize how much they helped me too, maybe even more than I did. They just don’t. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t want to know. I just want to live it fully. Those moments, I cherish them. I try to be there for them as much as I can. They don’t even realize how amazing they are. And while they are out there, grabbing a drink, I am here by myself knowing that even if I am not there in person, we are together through our minds, in our hearts. 

[staybeforegettingaway]

When she told him she was scared ; without her speaking he replied he won't ever break her heart. But instead she asked him to:

'If you ever feel you don't belong with me anymore.. don't stay. Don't stay because of habit or by default. Be honest and go.'

[staybeforegettingaway]

I feel empty. Even when I think of you I only do it to make me feel like I am not totally out of reality. The ideas I have about you, the feelings I imagine having, they constantly remind me that they are just that.. ideas. When I’ll see you again, if I ever do, I will do anything in my power to push you away. The thing is I imagine us together only to picture something similar to the things they have.. I wish I had someone flying my way a day early just to surprise me. I wish my mom was part of the plan or maybe not. I feel like I only would like this to be about us, between us. I wish you’d hide in my apartment with flowers. I wish I’d enter the room randomly and that I’d be shoked and remaining still out of emotion. I wish I would have my eyes watery when I see you. And you’d have a smile while looking at me. I wish I could talk about you to my friends. I wish I had something to tell them. But I don’t, just because I don’t let you be all that. I don’t let you be mine or maybe is it I don’t let me be yours, I don’t let me be anyone’s.  

[staybeforegettingaway]

It feels like I don’t have anyone left in my life. I used to have friends.. a lot. And now I am not able to make new friends and the worst of it all, to keep the ones I have had all my life. The more I grow up, the more I lose who I am. Maybe I never knew who I was but nothing seems to make me find it. I am currently failing at everything. When will it stop? Will it even stop one day? I have lost my personality, I don’t like the person I have become. It is as if I was empty. An envelop filled with nothing. I probably won’t graduate this year. At least I never had to deal with that before. School was the only thing that was going right. And now, even that is falling apart. I don’t know what to do, where to go, who to talk to. I am just lost in my life. I am afraid of living. Don’t know why I just fear not to live my life to the fullest. And this fear makes me not live it to the fullest. I try to change sometimes but I have lost interest in everything. I don’t know what to do next year. I don’t even know what to do now so.. Tomorrow will be another day. I can’t give up right now. I know I will never. I just don’t know how to avoid it to happen to me. As I write those lines, I feel like I lost faith in who I am. I know I am the captain of my own destiny but in those days, it feels like it’s easier to pretend that something else is making me be who I am. So that I am not in charge of my sadness, while I am. I have to get back on track, to find my way and to let people in. I don’t write often here, maybe because I created this blog only for those days when I feel alone, even when I am not in reality. That’s my way to escape. I don’t feel the need to write here everyday, because even if it seems like it, I am not like that everyday. And hopefully, I will be less and less like that. Hopefully it all gets better. Hopefully.. there is no hopefully, I won’t let that happen end of the story.

[staybeforegettingaway]

I don’t know who I am anymore. It is as if I was changing and remaining the same at the same time. As if I did not recognize me. But did I ever recognize me before ? Do I know who I am ? Everything is a mystery. I don’t know what to do, what to expect, who to like or dislike. I am just there waiting for something to happen without knowing exactly what to wait for. As if I did not even know if there was something for me to wait for.

[staybeforegettingaway]

I often think of him. His arms around me. I always imagine us together. But in reality, we never are. He asked me out once.. when I expected less. I got scared and just ran away. Again. I told myself I was not ready. Not ready to love, or maybe to be loved. I told myself I would meet him again, randomly and that when I would, everything would be different. But we never did. Instead of embracing happiness when it's right around the corner, I prefer to let it go. And then.. I find myself chasing it.. after it's all gone. Why am I full of fear? What am I fearing exactly?  I provoke my sadness and nurture it. And when I'm finally about to get through this, I go back to even darkest places.