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i just had the worst experience calling my medical provider to make an appointment for therapy/psychiatry after they offered me an appt with a therapist who's availability was not accurate. when i called to find a new one i had this extremely condescending person answer the phone

one negative interaction like that when seeking mental health help would be enough to turn off so many prospective clients from ever wanting to seek help again. they didn't even screen me to see if i wanted to kill myself, a phone call like that could've sent anyone over the edge

anyways luckily im stable and an mft student who knows about the ethics around this shit so im submitted a complaint on behalf of past and future vulnerable clients that might interact with that foul person

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Not to be emo on main “but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here” (Radiohead, 1992).

My self esteem has been in the gutter lately, imposter syndrome is raging. I feel like a nuisance and invisible, all at the same time.

I’m crawling towards summer vacation, but crushed about only have a one week break between spring semester and summer session. I’m so tired of it I hate everything l

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and if i say the reason it is harder to hate myself now because i am actually surrounded by people who love and care for me deeply when i used to not have that

i want to throw up thinking about this actually lol

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i have been doing really well these past couple of years, but hit a really bad slump these last few weeks and have felt depression like i haven't in years. i can't express how scary it was to feel that amount of self hatred again after having experienced self-love. so scared in fact i booked myself a therapy appointment after having taken a break since the school year started.

i used to live everyday like that and would do nothing about it, idk how i did it. how did i stomach feeling like waste of space every day of my life. how did i tolerate such hatred for myself.

I am not the most confident person in the world, not by far, but i had learned to be okay with myself because i knew i was trying my best. but it's crazy how quickly that shifted to "i can't believe this is me trying my best, what a joke"

it's weird how quickly i become this resentful person when it happens, fixated on things 18-20 year olds did to me 10 years ago when they're not even the same people anymore.

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i am watching love on the spectrum for the first time and i can't express enough how much i love this show and what great positive representation it is for neurodivergent folk. every time the parents are in screen tearing up about how happy they are for their children finding love i get so emotional because i've talked with so many of these parents before and know what they are talking about, my boyfriend even noticed that i would keep tearing up at those scenes. the way the show refusing to infantilize them and treats them as the adults they are is so important because a lot of their mistreatment is due to their lack of visibility to the general public

i worked with this population for 2-3 years and have such a soft spot for them forever. i originally planned on doing that forever and only moved on because funding is so demoralizing in these fields. watching this show reminds me of how much i miss the clients and students i've worked with in past 🥺

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my baby said the other day that "carribean queen" would be the perfect wedding song and at first i thought he was being a meme

and then he played it with lyrics and my heart melted at the cute lyrics bc it felt very us. i had just never heard the lyrics before. but like, he was so shy about it when he played it for me. he got so excited when he saw me get happy.

anyways meanwhile i am thinking of king of my heart when thinking about my love

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yesterday my boyfriend made the silly question "how old do our children have to be before their allowed to eat mcdonald's"

and i was like "our children?" not even in a way to poke fun, but i wasn't sure if he meant in general or our future children

and he got shy and tried to walk it back, but i. just answered "our kids can eat mcdonalds when they are capable to eat it without choking"

we talk about kids more and more everyday

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I had one of my eighth graders ask me if I could hang out with her during lunch bc her (only) friend was absent today which made me 🥹🥹🥹

I’ll be working with high school next year, imma miss how open middle schoolers are like I can’t believe I stumbled upon my favorite grade level I hope to work in middle school in the future

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it's so crazy seeing 21 year old me behavior.

like girl you are so immature and you don't have a clue bc you're too depressed to have any perspective omg

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i am listening to vampire weekend like i did at 17 and writing a million different posts then immediately deleting them bc it's oversharing.

this is so 17 coded of me omg ojnvijrenbite

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i have just become aware i have blocked quite a significant amount of memories around a specific time period in my life. i always remember it being a bad time and it's actually a time i do not like reading about (journals/posts) and i never did so intentionally. it is weird to suddenly have these bad times flooding my mind for the first time in years. i always remember the positives of that year and barely any of the other stuff i am so fucked up eriwbgiwbgiberihgbwrubv

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i am cracking up i forgot i was literally in the fucking trenches for a while there in 2017. like i am randomly exploring my blog for funsies and then i stumble into the most fucking depressing post ever and then find another even worse one two minutes later. likely i properly forgot how bad it was i straight up have blocked out some memories from that time, straight up havent thought about all of these things since then and not bc it wasnt significant but bc i coped by just....blocking out stuff

i always forget about one quarter....the only academic quarter i barely remember bc it felt like a fever dream. like my personal and academic life were so bad omg

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going digging in my blog is so wild bc my intent is to find a good memory (i religiously wrote on this blog for quite a few years) but then stumble upon the SADDEST fucking post by me and then stumbling on even SADDER fucking post two minutes later

i blocked out so much of the first half of 2017 man i deadass forgot i wanted to die the whole time. it was truly such a perfect storm everything happened at once and felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me. i always forget about that academic quarter because it consisted of me needing to take random ass classes because i had failed out of my major and my new major had zero classes available.

my first breakup EVER happened and the situation around it plagued me for years. like literal years it took me ages to be able to overcome all the insecurities that came from it. this was from a time i thought i was unlovable and ugly, who could love me when i didn't even feel proper love? that relationship only confirmed my worldview that i was always going to be at the bottom of the priority list. that fucked me so bad because i was really hoping i was delusional that whole relationship that he would pull through the for me. that he would CHOOSE me. and he didn't and that was fucking devastating. that is what stung so much about it. i hated myself for the way it ended because it was literally because he couldn't choose me.

my 21st birthday? the literal moment i knew. my birthday after a lovely party he threw me. us on his bed already knowing the end was coming. i literally had made the man want to kill himself because i was so stressful to him. it was broken and we both knew. then we had one last genuine talk about who he was choosing. it wasn't me. it wasn't necessarily her. it was him confirming he couldn't choose. i think i told him to talk to his therapist about it, but i already knew. later that week he calls me crying confirming what i knew. we agreed to last one weekend together and then ending it. it was such a solemn weekend with one final date being at the pigeon lighthouse. we didn't kiss once that weekend. it was so sad.

ugh i havent thought about that break up in literal years. for the first time in 7 years do i feel ache over this and it was by randomly remembering. fuck yeah does the first heartbreak sting. idk if its because im stoned or what......too think im even going through this bc i wanted to revisit the date on my blog when i watched la la land

anyways but also:

finding out my friends also wouldnt choose me. the whole thing with that roommate? FUCK fuck fuck fuck. it was traumatizing to lose a friend so ...... spontaneously. such a strange thing so confusing. and then the screaming a few weeks later? and how they didnt stand up for me. and how she mocked me in front of me to her friends in my own HOME in the bus everywhere she could demean me. all over what? this i haven't forgotten so much.

then the other guy that was such a hot fucking mess who also put me the wringer. again, forgot about the pain i endured with him. not bc of heartbreak just because of the cruelty. such a shitty guy. he was EASY to forget about it was a fucking relief

but i remember the fall of 2017. everything changed in 2017. i wonder if he will ever fully understand how much he means to me and how he came into my life during the time i most needed him. new beginnings and i met him. him who i originally was resistant to. idk if he will ever understand how special he is to me and he is really the first person to love me in a way that is not due to familial duty.

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that poem reminds me of the dream i had a year ago where my boyfriend left me. i had had this dream before, years ago, but this dream was different. i lost it. i became the most pathetic human being, practically begging him for back while making an absolute fool of myself. in the dream i found myself alone in bed sobbing and then screaming, that screaming then waking me up.

i woke up and seeing him sleeping peacefully next to me immediately calmed me down.....but i had a realization that night. outside of the dreamspace i really thought it over, what it would be like if he decided to leave me? not well. maybe i wouldn't have made a fool out of myself like i did in the dream as i am a very prideful person, but the emotions? oof.

to think either one day we might break up (does not seem likely as we talk about getting married once i am done with school) or we grow old together until one of us dies is terrifying.

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i have decided my new year resolution will be to try (hard emphasis on the try) to make friends this year. a lot of heartbreak happened leading up to and in 2017 which made me completely isolate myself from everyone out of fear of being hurt again. i am fortunate to be able to call my boyfriend my best friend, but i have always known it's not healthy to have your partner as your only friend. 2023 was the first year i started opening my heart to others again, but always in small measures. i want friendship, i yearn for it so bad.

i have never discussed the topic of not having friends in therapy because it is that touchy of a subject. the first time i ever told a person other than my partner about this struggle was during a roleplay session in class this past semester and that session still replays itself in my head regularly. if a first semester grad student can make me have realizations about the topic i never have before then i can only imagine what a licensed individual could do for me. so yeah...i am going to brave actually talking about it.

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recently we have talked more and more about "our kids," something we haven't talked much about before. talking about what sort of parents we'd be and what kind of parents we'd like to be. just recently we talked about whether or not we'd have "our kids" believe in santa and i found out that wow, my cynical logical partner would love "our kids" to believe in magic.

and having this realization, these little looks into him as a father that i haven't seen before, is so special to me. see, i never saw myself as someone who would raise my kids to believe in things like santa or the tooth fairy, because i never grew up with that. but i am not opposed to it. and just knowing that if things keep going groovy and we are fortunate enough to have kids, that i'd be a part of a household that teaches their kids to believe in magic because only in the innocence of childhood can you experience this and me only caring bc him

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despite all the heartache it caused me, i am glad i posted so openly on this website. i love going back to read my old thoughts.

right now i am reading posts from when i first met my boyfriend and how i wasn't that into him and initially turned him down. then all the following posts showing me slowly fall for him.

i had a special post for that year of my life and it was sweet to see how that school year started for me and how soon he was introduced to the plot. then my last post from that special tag is talking about me moving in with him officially.

i am reading this post from october 19, 2017 and it's talking about the exact moment i realized i didn't want him to be just a friend. the anxiety around how delicate things were at the start, my fears that once i caught feelings i was doomed to have my heart broken. the amount of times i'd say the sweetest things about him but then always add "but who knows i might hate him in a week's time!"

oh sweet sweet child, 6 years later this man is still around and talks about marrying you and loves you in a way that has never made you doubt