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swimmingwombatwinner-3f2339-blog · 7 years

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What do me and a dinosaur have in common? We are both extinct. For myself I don’t mean literally of course. But in every sense of the word I’m pretty much a dying breed. I’m from the generation X era that is too young not to be aware of social media. But too old to fully value and appreciate it. I’m not about to go all Black Mirror on you but if the legions of people reading this don’t mind I’m going to go through some of my musings on modern society. Focusing on the interactive side of things. You see when I was in my early twenties websites like Faceparty, Bebo and MySpace were prevalent. As fun as these sites were, you were in no real danger of becoming an addict. Everyone had at least an account on one of these websites. But I guess it wasn’t enough and so the Facebook era became the best things since sliced bread. I was very loyal to Bebo and thought long and hard before signing up to Facebook. It wasn’t as colourful or interactive as other sites but it was what everyone was using and I didn’t want to be left out. I’ve been a member of Facebook for about eight or nine years now. And a lot has changed since I first signed up. What started off as a way of keeping up with friends and finding out the latest news on their lives has now become the quest to keep up with the Jones’. It seems that people don’t get promotions, engagement rings or baby scans without sharing it with the entire world. Everyone and their auntie needs to know when “Bae” has taken you for a McDonalds drive through, #best boyfriend alert! Everyone needs to know when you are pissed of about something, from the council not taking out your bins, to your ex giving you hassle and winding you up. Don’t fret though the truly kind folk on Facebook wont give you the details they will just put something cryptic like “actual so angry right now!” (that’s right I’ve come to learn recently that the word actually has lost an ly!) what follows will be a chorus of moronic friends asking the obligatory “What’s wrong? You okay honey?” only to have their “over sharing” friend say “It’s fine I’ll PM you.” Why put it on Facebook then you eejit. Message your friends and tell them rather than tell the world. It’s the belief that we have that nothing is sacred. Every memory, every dinner, every rant needs to be uploaded and presented to the masses. So that you can glory hunt for likes, comments and best of all praise. I have this one friend on Facebook who likes every comment picture and post from one of her other friends. This other friend isn’t my friend, but from a quick snoop of her profile I have found her to be the perfect candidate for my Facebook asshole of the year award. In fact she could probably take the crown most years. But lets be honest there are more than a few Facebook douche bags that can share the crown. You see this girl falls into the pit falls that all of these douche bag Facebook people trip into. She is a young mother so first things first she is going to post close to a million pictures of her “wain” (her word not mine-oh and FYI if you’re reading this and aren’t Glaswegian wain means child) She posts everything her “wain” does not matter how miniscule or uninteresting. Every time he sneezes or has the slightest hint of a cough she tags herself at the hospital stating what a joke the NHS is, how sick her kid is and then tops it off with the sad faced emoji and several gun emojis. Her second crime against Facebook is the one I’ve mentioned above. She is a repeat offender when it comes to strategically aimed posts. Cryptic and elusive enough to get a reaction from the idiots, yet direct enough that the “nasty piece of work” (once again her words not mine) know exactly who she is talking about. That’s when it usually gets good. It turns into a full on battle of wits and extensive verbose. Or it becomes more like “Next time I see you I’ll fucking rip your hair extensions out!” (you’ve guessed it her words not mine!) I am a little guilty in taking a bit of pleasure reading these back and fourths wondering if I was ever this stupid and obnoxious in my late teens. The last thing that this bozo is guilty of is not using arguably the best tool at our disposal to garner information. That’s right instead of asking Google what time the gym opens or if the buses are running normally on the bank holiday. They take to Facebook and ask the list of intelligent and wise friends who took the initiative to Google the question and find out the answer. I guess this last one is a small gripe but it’s still enough to irk me. Perhaps Facebook and social media is just more of a young mans game these days. I tend to post sporadically and minimally. Choosing to share things I find funny or interesting. I have very good and receptive Facebook friends and I regularly do culls to make sure the people I have as friends are my actual friends. I don’t accept just anyone. Why would I want to have the most horrible girl from my year at school or the guy I went out with that one time and it didn’t work out? Probably why I have so few friends online, I always try and say that if you wouldn’t go out for a drink with someone or if you would avoid them if you saw them in the supermarket, why have them as a friend? I have broadened my horizons and allowed my trendy sister to put the Snapchat app on my phone but as for things like Twitter and Instagram I think I would have to be a far more interesting person. I’ll stick to Facebook and continue to moan about it thank you very much.

Before I go, probably to check my Facebook account I’d like to give some honourable mentions and shout outs to some Facebook repeat offenders that we are all familiar with.

1. The soap box guy. The guy that rants till his wee heart is content. About everything from prices going up to genocide in Syria. Bless him for having his heart in the right place, but if I wanted a rant I’d get into a taxi in Glasgow and let the driver put the world to rights thank you very much! .

2. The glory hunter girl. Probably someone who has recently lost a bit of weight and is attending slimming world classes. As a result most of her posts will be of Slimming World certificates and side by side pictures of when she was heavier and her skinny pictures now. Usually there is an obligatory picture of her wearing her old, fat work trousers and holding them out to show how much weight she has lost.

3. The mummy. A dead, bandaged Egyptian queen would likely be more interesting than the mummy on Facebook. Usually she doesn’t have a full time job, she works for one of these online cosmetic companies that are constantly cropping up on your news feed. They tend to post a lot of “hilarious” stories about their kids and add those little motivational pictures and quotes on a regular basis. These women are harmless if a tad dull.

4. The serial hash tag guy. FYI Facebook isn’t twitter. You don’t have to # every single word and phrase. These people are irritating on Facebook as they tend to post long uninteresting shit and by the end of their spiel you never want to see another # again!

5. The boyfriend appreciation club girl. The girl that tags her partner everywhere she goes. Be it to the doctors, for dinner or just chilling out in his living room. They need the world to know that they are in a relationship. They also tend to be the types to share those funny little memes that show a pissed off looking little puppy with a caption like, “whenever your boyfriend mentions another girls name” they usually tag their partners in these with a little laughing face emoji. If you are friends with a guy that has a girlfriend like this I implore you to like and comment on all of his pictures just to piss his girlfriend off.

6. The long week guy. We all know this knob. His pictures will usually be an upload of a beer bottle or pint on a Friday night with the caption well deserved after a long week. Yes it probably is but is it really news worthy? Can no one eat or drink without uploading a picture anymore?

7. The parent. This one is not gender specific, both mums and dads are guilty of this one and it’s a new breed to the mummies mentioned in number 3. The parents are always sharing stuff. Be it a funny meme that most have us have already seen. Sharing something about anti bullying or just one of those sappy if you have a son or daughter that you love pictures share this. They’re also suckers when it comes to those pictures you can’t scroll past without saying Amen. Those horrific images usually of little kids in war torn countries lying on hospital beds. Yes my mum has been this person on more than one occasion.

8. And my personal favourite, the attention seeker. Again this one isn’t gender specific but I find it tends to be more females that fall into this pitfall. Some of the examples that I’ve come across of this breed have been girls who take to Facebook to share that they are fed up of being wolf whistled at as they walk past building cites. Or that they hate shopping for dresses or tops because their boobs are too big. Or the worst offence of note was a girl I once seen share that she couldn’t wait to get her own place as her mum was always telling her off for walking about naked. Queue 25 guys typing as furiously as they could before they explode in their pants. It doesn’t always have to be a comment, sometimes it can be a sultry photo or full on cleavage shot. No matter what this person gets the validation they were looking for.

So that’s my round up of all things Facebook. I am older than probably most lovers of the site and social media in general, so I guess that the best thing to do if it bugs me so much would just be to delete it which I’ve toyed with several times, but sometimes when used properly it can be a funny and interesting bonding experience and a convenient way of catching up with friends who have maybe moved away or maybe don’t even live in the same country as you anymore. In the style of Jerry Springer I’m going to leave you with my final thought. To all Facebook users everywhere use it wisely. Eat your dinner don’t take pictures of it. Confront the person irritating you, don’t post it online hoping they will read it. And if you are in a relationship enjoy it in the flesh, not through tags and posts. The healthiest sign of a good partnership is no trace of it on social media.

Happy posting.

AG. x

#social media #facebook #angry #bebo #social commentary

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