#& I don’t at all enjoy what they do with making Dennis meaner & meaner especially to dee & mac | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rorykillmore · 5 years

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okay i’m actually gonna try to post these before i leave Just in case i can’t get the wifi to work at the place i’m staying

so this first gift fic is for @jougletmann who requested something with camille and amma, specifically related to the night amma actually spent on denny when jay yolo’d her! while writing this i actually realized it was really my first time, not only writing in earnest for this very complicated dynamic, but writing something so intense for camille (despite the fact that i’ve rped her for awhile) so i actually really loved the opportunity to do that? for a little while i felt bad because the other two christmas fics i have done are so. fluffy and christmas-y. and then you have this, which got pretty Real towards the end. but jay just knowing how much you loved sharp objects, i hope you’ll love it anyways

anyway... jay, for two years in a row now my mom has asked us some of the best things that have happened to us in the past year, and i’ve like, immediately thought of meeting you and spear. i’m just so grateful to have you in my life and i always want to make sure you know that because i know that sometimes your kindness and generosity have been taken advantage of. so thank you for being so caring and thoughtful and always knowing how to make me laugh. merry christmas!!

(jay probs doesn’t need these warnings but for anyone else, cw for like, discussions of abuse and references to self-harm)

All we can do is try, Amma. You want a little bit of control when your life has gone to absolute shit – it helps to say you’ve tried.

When they get home (not home, it’s just the easiest way to refer to the apartment Camille’s renting in Metropolis) it’s much later than Adora would have ever let Amma stay out. Not that Camille takes that to mean that this is the latest Amma has ever stayed out – she’s not that naive. She’s been a teenager under Adora’s roof herself, after all. And she knows Amma.

(Maybe now with more clarity than she’d like.)

“I have a spare bedroom you can have,” she tells Amma once they’re inside. “It’s not really made up or anything, but I’m sure I can find you some spare pillows and blankets for tonight.”

Once, Amma might have sulked at that, or worse asked to sleep with Camille – but maybe all their time spent living together has weaned her off that, or maybe she knows that the prospect would have left Camille just the slightest bit chilled. She feels a twinge of guilt at that. She doesn’t want to be afraid of her own sister.

“We don’t have to go to sleep right now, though, do we?” Amma asks instead, pulling Camille out of her thoughts.

“It’s late, Amma.” She glances at the digital clock on the table, which reads 1:46 AM.

Amma slumps herself down on the couch. “I’m not tired.”

“Well, you should try and sleep anyway. Tomorrow’ll be a long day, with getting you settled, and everything.”

Clearly the prospect doesn’t interest Amma, because she doesn’t move or say anything. Instead she spends a few moments sizing up the room they’re in. “Kinda sparse, compared to your old place.”

“I haven’t been here very long,” Camille points out. “Honestly, I’ve never been very good at… decorating. Everything from back home was just kinda clutter.”

Amma smiles a sly smile. “Mama hated clutter.”

Camille thinks she really ought to be over these kinds of reactions by now, but it does make her inadvertently freeze, just for a moment. Amma’s watching her closely, and she thinks it might have been the reaction Amma wanted. Or else Amma was hoping for A reaction, anyway.

It used to bother Camille, back when they were still getting to know each other, the way Amma pokes and prods pulls things from people. Often times a little too hard, a little too cruelly. Now, though, she at least understands the why of it: Amma tugs at other people’s boundaries because Adora gave her too many and too few at the same time. Amma had to pry things out of her mother to receive the bare minimum of attention and affection when she wasn’t sick, so now she tries to pry things out of everyone. It’s how she learned control.

For all that she’s standing around psychoanalyzing her sister, Camille’s not sure she knows what to do to curb Amma’s meaner tendencies. She thought for a while that just a safer, more stable environment would make things better, but then –

Well.

“Amma,” Camille says, slowly sitting down next to her on the couch. “About Mama –”

It’s subtle, especially because she’s only watching Amma out of the corner of her eye - as if looking at Amma directly might make her feel cornered, or something - but Amma goes a little tense. It’s enough to cause Camille to trip herself up, because honestly, she doesn’t really know what she’s doing. Doesn’t know how to talk about this, even when ignoring it feels impossible and irrational.

“What do you have in your kitchen?” Amma asks abruptly in her usual brand of deflection. “We should make something.”

It’s pretty transparent, and Camille thinks that a more responsible person might have called Amma on it. But all she hears herself say is, “Make something?” Which she supposes about lines up with the general amount (or lack of) resolve she approached the situation with.

“Yeah. Like cookies, or cupcakes, or… something. You know how to bake?”

Camille considers that. She certainly wouldn’t have learned from Adora, or even Jackie, well-meaning as she’d always been when Camille was a child, but she used to sneak around helping Gayla out in the kitchen when she could sneak away from her mother’s prying eyes long enough. She wonders if she can remember any of those old recipes, let alone scrounge something together from whatever bare bones stuff she’s got in the kitchen.

“I know how to try to bake,” she settles on finally. Amma grins. “But seriously, wouldn’t you rather just go to bed? You’ve gotta be exhausted.” If Amma won’t talk to her, really talk to her, then the least Camille can do is make sure she takes care of herself.

Predictably, though, Amma shakes her head stubbornly. “If you make me go to bed, all that’ll happen is I’ll lie awake for hours with just my own thoughts. I’d much rather have you for company.”

That’s a little manipulative of her, but it’s also probably objectively true. Camille thinks her own thoughts and feelings are a little too tangled up for any good decision-making tonight, so after another brief hesitation, she rises. “Well, I’m tired,” she says just for good measure. When isn’t she. “So if I pass out, don’t let the apartment burn down.”

Amma beams and bounces up with more energy than Camille thinks is reasonable. She loops her arm around Camille’s and holds on all the way to the kitchen, and Camille bits back that familiar, dangerous feeling of being tempted to lower her guard completely just because of that sisterly affection she’s been missing since Marian. She pries herself loose once they’ve reached their destination and starts checking the cupboards.

“Alright, let’s try chocolate chip cookies. Mostly ‘cause I know I bought chocolate chips the other week.” She’s pretty sure there’s some flour under the sink, too. And sugar, because she puts it in her coffee every morning. “Get some eggs out of the fridge.”

Amma zips off like she’s on a mission, and then gets out a mixing bowl and a pan while Camille gathers the rest of the ingredients a little more slowly. It turns out that they do have just enough to make some - very basic - chocolate chip cookies.

“These are not gonna be as good as Gayla’s,” she warns Amma ahead of time.

Amma just shrugs. “At least we can say we made ‘em.”

Camille preheats the oven and then, sleeves rolled up, they make the dough. It’s about as messy a process as she expects it to be, but Amma seems to enjoy it – especially the part where she delights in flicking flour at Camille. Camille flicks some back, and soon they’re both covered in it and it’s going to be a hell of a cleanup, but Camille can’t remember the last time she actually had a reason to laugh like this. She even lets Amma add extra chocolate chips to the dough, because they’re already on a roll.

“How long do they have to bake for?” Amma asks.

Camille - who has long since given up following this recipe from memory - checks her phone to consult the one she found online. “Just ten minutes. Quick and easy.”

Amma smiles and slides the tray into the oven very carefully. And then they’re both left to wait.

Camille wonders if Amma realizes as soon as she does that the elephant in the room feels a lot heavier with so much waiting to do. But Amma’s still smiling at her like she always does whenever Camille’s done something to make her happy.

“I never thought that anything would ever be like this,” she confesses at length. “Like, I never really thought about other worlds existing. Not even stuff like Heaven or Hell.”

Camille wonders what kind of light that puts the blood on Amma’s hands in – or whether she ever wondered herself where she might go, because Marian always wondered about death and what happened afterwards, like she knew it was coming. Is Amma telling the truth when she says she hasn’t thought about it at all?

But she can’t linger on it for long, because Amma continues, “But I’m glad we’re here. A whole different world away from everyone else. Just me and you. It’s perfect.”

Camille feels that strange chill again, but this time it mingles with concern. She’s conscious now more than ever how much Amma has latched onto her, and how little Amma feels she needs anyone else.

“There’s a lot to do here,” she ventures carefully. “Like I was saying back at that building in New York, Amma. You could do plenty of things here you never got a chance to do before.”

Amma’s expression doesn’t shift much. “Like what?”

“Like… I dunno. See things. Meet people. There’s a whole world outside of Wind Gap.”

Is it dangerous to even offer Amma the chance? And how can she do anything but?

Amma says silent for a few moments, and Camille can’t be sure what she’s thinking. “Are you still writing?” she asks suddenly at length.

Camille nods. “I’m working for the Daily Planet now. It’s this paper in Metropolis.”

“Metropolis,” Amma repeats, half curious and half disdainful. “What a weird name for a city.”

“Mm. Maybe I’ll take you to see it for yourself, sometime.”

“Really?” Amma beams at her just for the offer, and Camille can’t help but smile back faintly. “Then I’ll get to see where you work! And all those stories you’re probably working on.”

“I’m not… working on much, at the moment.” Camille shrugs, downplaying on instinct. “I’ve only been here a few weeks, so. It’s gonna take awhile for things to get interesting.”

Amma goes strangely quiet at that. She looks away and watches the timer on the oven count down for a few seconds. “I bet you’ll find something good,” she says finally, and Camille wonders for a moment why she suddenly seems so subdued. Then Amma continues, “You’ll find a way to tell a story that helps people. Just like you did back home.”

In the first place, that’s a matter of opinion. For all the secrets she uncovered back in Wind Gap, most of them were revealed too late, and Camille’s not really sure who she helped in the end. But even that aside, there’s something more concerning about this: it’s the first time she’s heard Amma refer to what happened with the girls she killed, even indirectly.

Camille knows she’s most likely not going to get a better opportunity to approach this. She watches Amma for awhile, her heart thumping in her chest, and then she says, “Amma. We’ve really gotta talk about that.”

It takes a couple of slow seconds for Amma to turn back to face her. “I really don’t want to talk about it,” she counters, calm but on the verge of petulant.

But Camille thinks there must be some deeply buried part of Amma that does, or she wouldn’t have alluded to what she had just now. “What do you expect me to do, forget it ever happened? You know I can’t do that. Especially not if you’re living with me.”

“So send me away again,” Amma suggests suddenly, and stares at her. A challenge.

Camille shuts her mouth, feeling like her jaw’s suddenly been tightly wired. “That wasn’t my choice.”

“Yes it was,” Amma insists, her composure starting to crack just a little. “You’re the one who turned me in.”

It’s irrational to feel guilty over the accusation, but Camille supposes she’s never been good at particularly rational feelings. “I had to, Amma. You killed Mae. Just like you killed Ann and Natalie.”

Something about finally saying it aloud, laying it all out, feels like it causes everything in the room to still. Amma glares at her, and Camille’s a little stunned to see that she looks like she’s on the verge of tears.

“You’re my sister,” she seethes finally. “You’re supposed to choose me over them.”

“Amma, that’s not –”

“But you didn’t! You got me locked up just like you got Mama locked up!”

It’s a gutpunch she wasn’t expecting, and Camille finds herself speechless, almost breathless. She stares at Amma, and Amma stares back, and both of them just stay sort of frozen for a moment.

“Amma,” Camille says slowly but with a kind of understated urgency. “She was making you sick.”

Amma sort of shudders, but Camille can’t tell whether it’s in revulsion or defiance. “Only ‘cause I let her.”

“No, Amma, it only felt like you had a choice. She was making you sick, and if someone hadn’t stopped her, she would’ve killed you just like she killed Marian.”

Camille has talked about this before – not with Amma, but with several of the therapists she tried to get Amma help with when they’d moved back to her apartment together. They had all told her some variation of the same thing: Amma has trouble processing what happened to her because she still loves Adora, or because Adora’s abuse entailed a dynamic where Amma felt she had control, and admitting her victimhood relinquishes that control. Probably, realistically, some combination of both.

Those same doctors, likely sensing Camille’s loathing of her mother and inability to understand Amma’s continued desire for contact with her, have always warned against this kind of direct confrontation. But in this moment, it suddenly seems desperately important that Amma understand all the ways Adora had been hurting her.

But then Amma actually starts to cry in earnest, and Camille feels immediate regret well up inside her. The oven goes off, and she vaguely registers that it’s been ten minutes, but she can’t bring herself to tear her attention away from her sister.

And for all that Camille has been grappling with the part of her that’s now afraid of Amma all evening, she doesn’t hesitate. It’s instinct to go and take her sister in her arms and hold her close.

Amma fights it a little at first, and Camille is reminded fleetingly of that stupid ‘therapy technique’ they used to do - I love you, I love you, I love you - and just holds on even tighter until Amma relents and slumps against her and cries.

“I’m fucked up,” Amma chokes out, though Camille can barely make it out between the sobs. “I’m so fucked up, and I’m never gonna get better.”

Camille shushes her and strokes her hair, silently grateful that at least Amma isn’t in any state to notice the tears in Camille’s eyes that don’t quite fall. She wonders if she’s just forgotten how to cry, at this point. If this and everything she’s been through up ‘til now doesn’t get her, she can’t picture anything else in her life pushing her over the edge.

“Hey,” she says finally, after a few minutes of just letting Amma cry. She pulls away and makes Amma look at her, still stroking her hair. “You know what, I’ve – I’ve said the same thing to myself. A lot.”

Amma stares at her, a more numb kind of shock settling over her features, and Camille tries for a very shaky smile. “C’mon, it can’t be that surprising.”

“You’ve never killed anybody,” Amma points out in a quiet, more hoarse voice.

Camille has to concede Amma’s point - and the fact that she doesn’t really know how to pull someone back from something like that - but she doesn’t falter. “I’ve done a lot of bad things. To other people, and to myself. You think if I showed people all the things I carved into myself they’d think there was any putting me back together?”

She thinks of Richard, the way he’d looked at her once he’d seen all the scars. The way he’d looked at her every time since.

There’s silence. Maybe Amma doesn’t know what to say to that, or she just doesn’t want to answer. Camille has to steady herself with a slow breath, because she knows she’s not good at this, but why stop now?

“But I haven’t – I haven’t done that in awhile. And a few years ago I never thought I’d be able to say that. And I can now. That’s something.”

She watches Amma closely. Amma seems to waver a little, licking her lips, looking uncertainty at Camille and then anywhere but. And then she stills. “Something’s burning.”

– Oh.

She’s right, Camille realizes, and then remembers why a second later.

“Shit. The cookies,” she mutters, grabbing one of the over mitts they set out and hurrying over to pull the tray out of the oven. The cookies look like some of them might still be edible, but many of them are charred around the edges. Camille tries not to wince visibly. Couldn’t even have one nice thing. She spends a few seconds inspecting them, mostly because she doesn’t know how to dive back into that conversation with Amma after the fragility of the moment was broken.

“If I can’t be better,” Amma says suddenly to break the silence, and Camille stops what she’s doing. “If I can’t, then – won’t it just be worse than if I never tried at all?”

Camille wants to tell Amma that she can. Amma is so young, and it seems like there’s still so much time. She’s not sure what she’d peg the cut off age for not being a lost cause at, but she’s pretty sure it’s not thirteen.

But maybe that’d just be too much pressure too soon. So instead, she says, “All we can do is try, Amma. You want a little bit of control when your life has gone to absolute shit – it helps to say you’ve tried.” Camille turns around to face her again. “And if you promise not to hurt anyone else… I won’t leave you, this time.”

It’s not a promise she can technically guarantee, thanks to the way the rifts work – but then again, it’s not like they’re not going back to the same world. Even if things might be about a hundred times more difficult there.

Slowly, Amma wipes the wetness from her cheeks and starts to pull herself together the way she is so strangely capable of. She still looks oddly fragile to Camille, in a different way than she did when she’d been sitting at that dinner table in a haze of sickness and Camille’d had to feign weakness to draw Adora’s attention away.

“If I believed you… then what would we do next?”

Camille exhales slowly. “Well. I guess the cookies might be a lost cause.” The joke feels hollow, but Amma’s lips twitch briefly anyway as she gives the tray a belated side glance. “So apart from that, I – I’m not really sure what to do either. Except take it one day at a time. We can do that.”

Amma considers that very carefully, and then nods. Camille bites back a dozen apologies that probably won’t do much good, and might not even make that much sense, and focuses on a small sliver of hope.

The women in their family have a long legacy of being broken, so it seems. But maybe not always beyond repair.

#christmas gifts #fic #jougletmann

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rorykillmore · 6 years

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okay dooo sara, izzie, and heather, which heather is for you to figure out. (no but do chandler)

jokes on you, i’m doing ALL of the heathers.

no but okay

sara

How I feel about this character: love her!!! she’s easily one of my favorite if not my favorite arrowverse characters. legends really really succeeded in exploring a lot of her unchecked potential and now she means so much to so many people for really important reasons, and i hope she continues to get good stuff on lot no matter how many wrenches arrow tries to throw into it.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: 95% of the legends cast! no but i do enjoy a lot of ships for her at least to some extent -- the ones i’m most diehard for are sara/nyssa and sara/ava, but probably second to that are sara/kendra and sara/snart? and then there’s some i kind of like the ideas of just casually like sara/amaya, sara/constantine, etc.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: sara and laurel!!! also sara and e-2 laurel even if that’s mainly thanks to denny given that canon BARELY gave us anything, and sara and jax. and i like that stein was basically another father figure for her too... idk i could go on and on. oh wait. sara and iris should get a special shout out here just in honor of the fact that the actresses want them to be best friends so badly.

My unpopular opinion about this character: i have an aggressive contrary streak towards most of the fandom honestly at this point. to make it easy, i’ll leave ships out of it and just gripe about how “sara can be bi and still have a preference for women” even though some of that discourse died down in the past year.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i’m just gonna single out the arrow finale since that’s an easy target and i’m still salty. she should’ve gotten to fucking say goodbye to her dad. especially after she didn’t get to say goodbye to laurel, and after EVERYTHING she’s lost especially recently, like. god, when will arrow stop ruining sara’s happiness. keep her away from them. also more actual acknowledgement of a dynamic between her and e-2 black siren would’ve been, y’know, nice.

izzie

How I feel about this character: honestly one of my favorites from the early seasons -- i love her kindness and optimism and how that challenges her as a surgeon (but how she ultimately tells bailey that she refuses to give that part of herself up), i love her backstory as someone who came from basically nothing and had to fight tooth and nail to get into medical school and how people’s perceptions of that affect her, i love her tendency to spiral and make bad decisions when she’s too emotionally invested in something because that always made for really good drama... idk she was just!! a really great character overall.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: i... still have an honest fondness for alex/izzie. it’s one of those “grumpy asshole falls for ray of sunshine” ships that are fun in concept BUT of course grey’s did so many good things with it, like having alex actually grow and change and treat people better and actually... complicating things on izzie’s end. they’ll always be a soft spot of mine when it comes to the earlier seasons. OH AND DENNY OF COURSE, AS IN LIKE THE CHARACTER, NOT THE SITE. i’d be remiss not to mention that.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: basically just the rest of MAGIC?? i really loved her dynamics with cristina and meredith for different reasons and george, while not my Favorite, had a nice friendship with izzie when they weren’t having a messy dating life. oh and also izzie/bailey because... i mean bailey and all her original interns are so good, but i always remember that moment she and izzie had together when izzie was sick and bailey mentions something that might happen ‘next year’ or something and izzie snaps like “let’s be real, i’m not going to be here next year” and bailey just expresses this calm, unshakable faith that izzie is going to survive. i think that’s one of the things that got her through it.

My unpopular opinion about this character: i like (most of) her cancer storyline even if i don’t like the way she ultimately left the show. and i think “izzie cheated on alex with a ghost” is a dumb interpretation and a dumb thing to blame her for because guess what, a brain tumor doesn’t just give you hallucinations, it ACTIVELY AFFECTS your personality and your decision-making abilities. jesus, cut the girl some slack.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: if shonda rhimes wasn’t determined to hold onto her spite for the end of eternity, i would’ve really liked to see izzie... at least come back for an episode or two, just to reconnect and see where everyone is now and for us to learn what actually became of her. “izzie left the hospital and never ONCE contacted any of the people there again” is fake, actually, like. they were her family!!! maybe one day if... grey’s ever actually ends, shonda will bring her and cristina back for the last episode or something.

heather chandler

How I feel about this character: i have such a fondness for like, not even Female Villains (although those too), but just those classic mean girl types who have a lot of power and presence and killer one-liners. they’re so fun to watch!! and chandler is kind of like, the original incarnation of that in a lot of ways, and there’s a lot of potential to give her very humanized layers and to have her grow as a person which i’ve really enjoyed doing on denny so!!

All the people I ship romantically with this character: heather and veronica OBVIOUSLY, i’m really proud of the build up spear and i have put into that even if our focus kinda shifted. but i also really enjoy the idea of heather chandler/heather duke, at least on a setting like denny where both of them can like... shed their meaner tendencies and chandler can make up for treating duke badly. aaand special denny shoutout to heather/ratchet, because while they may be temporary they’re an important ship for their own reasons!! and like fate said once, it’s kind of a la la land situation where maybe in a different time, a different place, they could’ve worked out long term. but neither of them are there and that’s okay.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: hmmm heather duke and heather mac, cop out answer, but honestly there are a lot of layers in that dynamic to be explored

My unpopular opinion about this character: it’s been A While since i was in touch with the heathers fandom’s shitty opinions, but im still [eye roll emoji] at the people who romanticize jd or even (and honestly this is more common, more subtle, and thus kind of more of a problem) sympathize a lot with heather mac while absolutely DEMONIZING duke or chandler. check yourselves.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: chandler should have LIVED, you cowards. pull a regina george. actually real talk the point i will always give mean girls over heathers is that it’s pretty forgiving of the core Mean Girl group in the end.

#thanks jay!!#jougletmann

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