#` convo: elva.

[lifeslines]

“I didn’t know you were the cuddling type.” indy & elva because reasons

          physical contact starters

         @apotomelimma

   elva has already made herself comfortable against indy’s side, even going so far as to very carefully move his arm so she could rest her head on his bicep (she was a ghost after all, so she didn’t think it would be too painful for him). the way she came over to indy out of the blue and curled up by him was similar to something a cat might do when it finally found a human it liked. elva supposed it was the same for her.

       she turns her head to blink giant blue eyes at him since she really doesn’t know what to say for a moment. part of her was hoping he wouldn’t say anything at all so she could stay like that for a while. she shrugs, suddenly a bit sheepish. however there wasn’t much else she could do now but embrace it. 

   she turns on her side to face him and crosses her arms over her chest, each fist resting on the opposite shoulder. she closes her eyes like she’s ignoring him despite laying so close. 

       “sometimes.”

#ask. #Anonymous #` convo: elva. #apotomelimma #yes i wrote this just because of the thing #you said about the song i sent you lmao #you inspired me to write this rn #because i remembered it in my drafts and yes

[disparais]

you can’t stay in your corner of the forest

today was rather eventful, and i’m truthfully rather pleased that i stretched my usual boundaries of social interaction and made time to meet so many people. it is 2.40am as i begin this post and i’m really really tired so there will be plenty of parentheses; this is my mind at its rawest and most unfiltered state so.

study progress: rolled out of bed at 11 and rushed to med - was taught by the ever-brilliant zp at anat museum for a while (histo crash course, basically). grabbed lunch with zp, cl and ql, where zp and i discussed lokun’s shortcomings and what could be done about them. went to anat museum, where dr j gave us a wonderfully compact anat summary/revision. took a photo with her, gave her that card (after some acting on cl’s part lmao) and she texted us individually afterwards to say thanks and jy. so sweet of her aa ;w;

dinnered with p: possibly the highlight, because i always love intellectually stimulating conversation/conversation that prompts introspection and reflection (that hopefully leads to self-improvement?) and p is definitely someone i can count on for such quality convo. i just wish that he hadn’t gone into it with an explicit ministry mindset, but rather a friend kind of mindset. i don’t like the implicit relational separation (in a similar sense to how g describes social work, with one being a service provider and the other the client) that comes with the idea of being ministered to. but i guess i did manage to minister to him in a smol way, at least in the sense that i affirmed his efforts as cgl throughout the year (which definitely greatly pleased him c: ).

regarding leaving the church: still not sure about whether or not i’m being called to leave. God, i feel, has been strangely silent on the matter (or have i deafened my ears, shut my eyes and made my heart impervious to his calls?). the j debacle was never resolved (personal hurt), the quality of bible study and discussion never improves (the exercise that s and cy implemented just gave me false hope*) (not being fed), and i’m not personally clear on my membership with the church (meaning at the very least i didn’t knowingly sign myself over or anything like that, even though i was baptized in this church). and the lack of relational grounding is what makes it so easy to walk away, i suppose - no one would miss me, honestly, and i’d probably still find time for g and yy somehow.

*another personal hurt is probably that i feel xy has a lot of work to do in her empathy/effectiveness of communication, so even though m thinks we’re intellectual equals (which i objectively agree with), she’s much more unthinkingly cruel in communication than i am, imo. but, i digress.

regarding rhc: i am Not Sure. i’ll be hauling l with me because l has good judgment in general and isn’t biased since she doesn’t know p at all (even though i admittedly have been effusive with praise for cf (and thus, by proxy, p)). p seems strangely eager to bring me into his flock, and i can’t confidently say that his motives are not coloured in any way which is similar to c and her bbtc conversion stuff (comparison brought up by g).

thing is, p is rather introspective and sound in doctrine and i trust him to the extent that i would like to believe his intentions are pure...but i’ll only be able to tell for sure if i see him and his rhc friends and can get a clearer feel of their intentions, i guess. i loosely quote p: “i wouldn’t encourage you to leave [your current church], but i would encourage you to stay”. not sure if that can be considered praise at all - i suppose it is heartening since it means i’m not heretical/unworthy of induction into a place he clearly considers sacred/holds very close to his heart, but at the same time, i wonder if it’s a generic advertising tagline (i was half-probing when i joked with him that becoming a salesperson would be a viable alternative career path.).

another interesting revelation: p is isfp! i didn’t quite expect that...well, mostly the p part, i guess. never really stopped to categorize him otherwise, but he does exhibit similarities to me in certain senses (which is probably why we generally find each other sane). isfps are FiSe, which is interesting juxtaposed against my SiFe. it seems as though we process things very differently, yet we come to similar conclusions, especially when it comes to objective truths.

i do think p’s aux Fe helps him appreciate God’s awe-inspiring creations and see God in plenty of everyday things to a greater extent than some people (my dom Si helps me very much with this). just a random thought that i might text him about later. (i was so shocked that he was aware of dom/aux/tertiary/inferior functions...it pleased me as much as his matching bible + diary seem to “please” him, heh.)

j and p: Not Pleased at all that j seems to have judged him superficially based on his mannerisms/quirks; i don’t like people who are quick to judge + stuck in their assumptions. p commented that m seems like a godly guy (HAHA fml he also said his parents have a 13-year age gap w h o a) and candidly admitted that he didn’t know j well enough to declare anything about him with confidence.

i...am decidedly unimpressed by j for now, because i did make sure to clarify with j and what i got from that conversation (i might be wrong! i definitely have to clarify this as it Greatly Displeases me) was that p’s mannerisms and their doctrinal disagreements (which are relatively trivial + i’m sure j knows on some level that p is logical and would never consciously take an entirely biblically-indefensible stand) are what give j the impression that p is weird/not-entirely-sane. ugH no don’t ruin your day thinking about this shh brain

ameens: sacrificed suite photo/hangout time at roc’s farewell event for ameens with j, j, j, zy, zp, k, r. (interesting how as an isfj i called up my mental snapshot of the scene where we were talking about j being a mole to recall who was there.) didn’t even eat but i did bring bubble tea so it wasn’t too bad. just a really chill session (my first time going to ameens!! isit devirginizing march lmao) where i mostly laughed because i was so drained from the good talks with p. ubered back to utown with j and r, made plans to study with k tomorrow (today).

g and rape: talked about the broadly mini-docu on revenge porn with g (which mostly involved me being horrified), and somewhere along the way the conversation segued into me mentioning invisible wars and we arrived at the thordis elva/tom stranger TED talk. which, on closer inspection, reads like a load of bs to me. seriously, counting the total number of seconds in 2 hours, even though she claims to be drifting in and out of consciousness? simply preposterous, from a medical standpoint. 

more on thordis elva/tom stranger: the way i see it, it was either dubcon (since she never states she explicitly said ‘no’ or fought back, even feebly) or regret sex, and she’s just capitalizing off it now. she claims to have contributed more significantly to the book - fair enough. but he’s not allowed to profit off the book in any way. why? if he owns the crime and shares his experience to validate the true victim status of victims (in opposition to the usual culture of victim-blaming) then isn’t he entitled to enjoy some of the royalties in exchange for his sacrifices in terms of stability and (denial-turned-)peace of mind he gave up? if their story is to be believed, it happened years ago. he could have never owned his actions. he could have ignored her. it’s commendable that he responded, and owned it. thinking about the biblical idea of “tsedeq” - restorative justice - this is a prime example (again, if it is to be believed.)

i did a quick google to see if anyone else had pointed out the logical loopholes and nothing. (apart from a fantastic video done by some girl who reminds me of quinn fabray (a compliment of the highest order, by the way.) some people were disgusted to see that he had gotten redemption/absolution in any sense of the word, some people thought he deserved harsh punishment, etc. what about her? i think that victim-blaming is horrific and unjustifiable in most rape cases, BUT in this case, i’d be hard-pressed to agree she was entirely blameless.

kt: remembered she has her chinese mod final tomorrow (again, today) so i popped in to wish her good luck/ended up hanging out with her for a bit! pleased.

summary: many social much tired so happy.

#ramble

[lifeslines]

Don’t walk away while I’m speaking -Elva from Indy

          the age of adz

   it’s pure muscle memory that stops her cold in her tracks, while burning disobedience and disdain for what indy’s just said urges her to keep going. she has to figure that he doesn’t mean it the way she immediately receives, because one look at her could tell anyone that those words would send her reeling. elva blinks as she continues refusing to look at indy, and she hopes he can feel just how uncomfortable the words have made her. she knows it isn’t his fault, but she can’t help the tenseness it causes.  

       she reminds herself that no one can truly force her to do anything ever again, and she takes a deep breath. it doesn’t feel like as much as she needs, but it does help. she takes another breath before turning back towards indy. she wants to think that his intentions are good– but she’s never going to assume that again. she shakes her head, even if she doesn’t sound very sure of herself. 

   “i won’t stay if you boss me around like that.”

#Anonymous #apotomelimma #ask. #` convo: elva. #elva: absolutely lying lol

[lifeslines]

⚠ #ben or coyote @ elva tbh

          pick ‘em up

       she had been over at phobos’ place for several hours, talking and drinking with him (he hadn’t drank or overshared since that night with ariel, but elva was good at making him open up). while elva was mostly listening, she was also trying to keep up with the god’s rate of drinking, even if she was much smaller and what she was drinking wasn’t nearly as strong as whatever he had that she couldn’t even recognize. 

   it must have been nearly six hours since she’d left home that evening to come there that she finally texts ben and asks if he’ll come get her-- the text punctuated with several hearts and a few smiley faces. 

       the spirit is half slumped on the couch by the time he gets there, her hand absentmindedly petting abe’s head. she grins when ben stands in front of her and she sits up slightly, holding both of her hands out to him. she sticks her lower lip out some and wiggles her fingers. 

   “carry me?” 

       she knows that with ben’s nose, he must be able to tell that she couldn’t make it home without scrapes on her knees from falling over herself. she ignores when he rolls his eyes and smiles again once ben turns around so that she can climb on his back. she laughs once her arms and legs are wrapped around him and he stands back up. she moves her head as well as gently pulling some of ben’s hair away from his face so she can kiss his cheek.

   “thank you, puppy.”

#ask. #stoodbrave #` convo: elva. #| why don't you figure my heart out? ( elva & ben & coyote ). #i think this counts lmao #anyways elva is a brat omfg

[lifeslines]

' i can never do anything right can i ? ' #from coyote @ elva bye,,,

          hitting where it hurts

       elva’s lying on her side in front of coyote on the bed downstairs, and as much as she wants to reach out to put a hand over theirs at the very least, she doesn’t yet. she does inch closer to them, though, so she’s within a more comfortable reaching distance. 

   it’s after coyote closes their eyes and sighs that they say what they do, and elva’s sure she can feel a real pain in her chest because of it. she doesn’t wait anymore– moving closer and slowly sliding her hand over theirs since their eyes are still closed and she doesn’t want to make them jump.

       “is that what all that upstairs was about?” 

   her voice is quiet, as soothing as she can make it while still making sure she doesn’t sound angry or sad. coyote doesn’t need to answer her though, because the way they look pointedly away from her without moving their head is enough. 

       elva’s forehead is now close enough that it’s almost pressed against coyote’s, though she’s still hesitant to make too much contact without asking beforehand. she just keeps her hand on theirs for now and tries not to push it. 

   “that isn’t true, coyote, okay? you can; i’ve seen you.”

#ask. #stoodbrave #` convo: elva. #| why don't you figure my heart out? ( elva & ben & coyote ). #rif p

[lifeslines]

things you said with tears in your eyes for ben/coyote/elva ?

          things you said

       elva waited in their bedroom until after coyote left with margo. they’d told her and ben that they were going to visit az and she was sure it would take plenty of time, so even after she heard the door close behind them, she waited. 

   it was maybe five minutes after that that she went to find ben, and her mood was visible. she had chewed off the majority of her nails and had been gnawing on her bottom lip long enough that she was trying to keep it from bleeding anymore. the spirit doesn’t know how much of this ben has noticed when she approaches where he’s sitting on the balcony with an almost entirely full beer in his hand. ben turns his head in her direction and lifts his arm, welcoming her to sit with his arm around her-- and there’s really no hesitation before elva sits there. 

       she sighs, staring straight out instead of kissing ben’s cheek like usual, and maybe it’s this or the sigh itself that makes him look over. the blonde turns her head away from him since she knows looking at the hellhound will only free her emotions and she honestly doesn’t want that. her efforts don’t seem to matter though since her vision is blurred by a few tears in one eye anyway. her voice is quiet, worried, and if it breaks as she’s talking, it would be best not to bring that up.

   “what if they change, ben? really change?” 

       it should go without saying that she’s talking about coyote, and all she can hope is that ben won’t mention this little outburst to them when they get back. she knows it would hurt them. she wipes her eyes even if no tears have broken the barrier yet and she sighs, leaning forward and seemingly whispering to herself now instead of asking ben anything. 

   “what if they don’t love us anymore?”

#ask. #stoodbrave #` convo: elva. #w elp!! bye rifp