#'internalizes the lies' THAT PART HURT SO MUCH OKAY. but.. yk fitting in n being 'normal' or wtvr gives a lot of ppl more comfort

[noxtivagus]

hmmm. oh my god my mind is a mess i rlly can't write what i want to rn but i will just Dump

#🌙.vents #YEAH HONESTLY OKAY one reason why fiction comforts me so much is. it teach me so much n let me live through so much more #these characters i. relating to them n seeing parts of myself in them is just. yk rlly comforting bcs i'm. very not social irl. #i get anxious. n typically i find that.. most ppl in like my class or my school or wtvr. yk everyone is interesting n has depth but #i find them. a bit too simple for me. ah.. yeah uhm. sorry remove the 'a bit' it's. by far. so. #hermes rlly. to me bcs he's like. different. felt alone for it. but.. he's intelligent he's valued n. theres a lot of ways to look at it bu #yh then he stands up n does smth for himself for once n he makes mistakes n then after that he sort of just gives up on that part of himsel #'internalizes the lies' THAT PART HURT SO MUCH OKAY. but.. yk fitting in n being 'normal' or wtvr gives a lot of ppl more comfort #but for me it hurts yes but i'd much rather face life for what it is. who i am who i really am. fuck if it's lonely for me #smth from the 1975 w matty on religion? sorry as well i'm.. really not religious. i respect it but please. i'm really not religious. #it would.. be easier yeah if we did believe in some divine being right? believing that there is salvation. that. there's.. yeah #i really just can't bring myself to believe in that. on religion i rmb rn even when i was younger like in lower school even i rlly thought #abt logic behind it. i questioned n wondered why people believed in religion. i really as. very curious abt stuff n life n all that #n growing up i've never really let the outside world influence me too much. no i pride myself in really staying true to myself. #so last year hurt sm bcs i really felt like i was restraining myself too much. i can't exactly pinpoint it rn okay i'm emotional rn but #i rlly felt like my freedom to be myself was stuck somewhere. n then stuff n 'talking too much' so tumblr became yh for me bcs #i don't want to isolate myself but i just.. can't do some things bcs of anxiety? or wtvr there's a lot n then there's also. uh #i still do crave vulnerability n belonging but how do i say this #it's really important to me that. i realize i open up more to ppl that also are able to open up as well. ppl who are like me. #like apollo n online friends n i love my irls too n i hate this bcs yh fine maybe i'm a bit of a ppl pleaser but it's more in a way that #i don't want to be misunderstood. i don't want to hurt anyone. so irl i generally tend to.. hide or restrain myself #take note of 'generally'. but i won't touch on that right now. i think i've been misunderstood before so that's why im sensitive to this #bcs. still having that love n care can coexist with still knowing myself n what works better for me bcs it's so crazy actually how w #several ppl i met last year esp the ones i only know online i cld open up to them more easily bcs they Too can do that n it just #feels so lonely irl i'm just dumping rn it's like nearly 1 am n i'll probably delete this tmrrw bcs i think i'm a bit frustrated right now #not that it's anyone's fault. i'm just. confused right now w myself but i don't mean anything bad by all this okay #i want to just. write. a fictional story rn to calm myself. doing things for myself surely isn't selfish. being myself isn't selfish right? #i can be kind to myself right now too. like other times before. so i will be kind. yes i will be. #there's sm in my head i rlly wish i cld write them all but such is the limit of being human. not too bad tho bcs i have stuff to do #i'll get that done rq n then i'll let myself rest though. until i sleep i'll let myself be at peace n rest c: