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creatingnikki · 3 years

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What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out.

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices.

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make.

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it!

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up.

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday.

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same.

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people.

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful.

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away.

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you.

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs.

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight.

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docholligay · 3 years

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Please rant/rave (well, we already know which one it will be here) about Harry Potter!

GEE I HOPE THIS WAS WORTH WAITING FOR

OH MY GOD. The level of hatred I have for Harry Fucking Goddamn Potter, the culture around Harry Fucking Potter, extending its poisonous tentacles even to the concept of young adult fiction, fantasy, and the United Kingdom as a country and people.

When you being on this, you may think, “Oh, Doc will explain that Harry Potter sucks because JKR hates trans women” and I will say, oh no, dear reader, that is a fantastic reason to hate the author, and I really suggest we all continue to hate her, and perhaps not purchase the QUEEN’S TONNES of officially licensed merchandise and movies and theme parks that give her stupid little fucking hands all that cash, but no, that is not why I hate the work. There are a number of great works done by terrible people, and the further out the lens of history gets the truer this is.

I hate Harry Potter because it fucking sucks, and mentally stifled an entire fucking generation.

“Well, Doc, Harry Potter was really there for me when--” Oh my god I could not fucking care LESS about your personal emotion connection to “orphan wizard boy turns out to be a rich aristocrat yet somehow less woke than Cinderella though” I have personally emotional connections to hot fucking garbage pails of media properties, and if someone came barreling through talking about the myriad ways in which they were horrible, I would be like, “Oh, you aren’t fucking wrong, pal”

Harry Potter gained wild ass popularity in part due to its magnificent sorting system of Smart, Brave, Evil, and Other, because there’s nothing liberals like more than being able to put everyone’s personality into an easily labeled box, which is why astrology is so popular, or for the intellectuals, Myers-Briggs, which is just as fake but with the veneer of science. This allowed people to give into the tribalism they so desperately liked to pretend they did not possess, and also allow them to write thinkpieces about “The misunderstood Hufflepuff” or “Slytherins aren’t all bad!” or really anything that allows them to write a very real piece about their very imagined oppression for being a part of a totally fake house in a children’s book. Excellent use of your sociology degree, Kai, I thought the addition of phrases like, ‘Content of socialization” and “axes of oppression” really spoke to the struggles you face when wearing a green and silver scarf.

The other reason it became popular is that it’s essentially wallpaper paste formed into characters. I have read all of the books, and I could not tell you even remotely what Harry’s defining personality traits are other than “protagonist”. In American, at least, a large part of it was the fascination with all things British, with the idea of boarding school and prefects and uniforms that aren’t inexplicably chinos and polo shirts for nine year olds. It allowed children to project onto something so bland that it could be anything. And for children, THAT’S FINE. There is a great deal of bland media made for children, but what I’m speaking to is the fandom, which is largely well over the age of 18.

Because if we look at the books, are they...actually good? Was it good, or did I experience it as a child? I mean, honestly, on a literary level, are they, or was it just like we all watched Friends, we did it because everyone else was doing it, because I have a distinct memory of a series that involves such greats as “magical geegaws with poorly defined rules that are quickly forgotten despite being able to solve later problems quickly” or “Everyone loves Harry or is a bad guy, or secretly loved Harry all along”

Oh, speaking of, man, if this was an actual well-written book, wouldn’t it have been wild to have Snape’s whole thing be to teach us that sometimes people do good things for the wrong reasons? Instead of naming your fucking child after the guy who ‘protected you’ because he still wanted to bone your mom? “After all this time” “Always.”

While all this could have been explained, we have Quidditch added into the mix instead because 20 pages of the goddamn Puppy Bowl is exactly what I was looking for while I was waiting for JK to move the goddamn ball on literally any of these actual magical concepts.

Harry Potter is a fucking trust fund baby, star quarterback, who grows up to be a cop and marries his high school sweetheart. (Speaking of, why were we shocked that JKR turned out to be a piece of shit when this was and always has been the conclusion of Harry Potter? Why are liberals so fucking into this series that upholds structures like it ain’t no one’s business? It’s a series that opines that those beneath us “Muggles” should be kept in the dark from us) Literally, he finds out he is a wizard and has a dragon-guarded fucking VAULT OF CASH. At 11. It’s such a series for little tyrants, you are special from birth and need do nothing to prove it, here is a letter certifying as such. Oh, not only are you rich and the greatest seeker and have excellent quips, but also your parents were not only rebels, but the best of rebels, and so deeply involved that your parents were killed by the big bad personally, again, because you are so special. His mother’s love literally saves his ass over and over again, because he was SO SPECIAL. He fought Voldemort FROM THE BEGINNING, and WON. It’s literally the most privilege baby fantasy in the world.

“But Doooooooooooc, it’s for chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiildren”

A) Yeah, and you’re 32, you’re making my fucking point about Harry Potter setting an entire generation up for intellectual failure to launch.

B) Okay, and? I can think of a bunch of kids’ books off the top of my head that in no way require specialness to be given by birth so as to roll out the red carpet for master protagonist. The Hunger Games. Watership Down. A Series of Unfortunate Events. The Chronicles of FUCKING NARNIA, about which I have only a small handful of particularly kind things to say. I’ve never read Percy Jackson, but it’s my understanding that despite his being a literal demigod, the attitudes of the supporting cast are allowed to fall between the extremes of “Appreciates Percy” and “naughty or will learn” Harry does nothing to improve himself even after knowing that he is HUNTED BY THE BIG BAD! “I won’t do this because I don’t like Snape”. So There” which, again, if this series were written with the slightest bit of care or know-how, could be a humbling fucking plot point! BUT NO THAT WOULD BE NAUGHTY.

But the real reason I hate Harry Potter so much has everything to do with the fandom surrounding it, and how it intellectually stunted a generation of adults. The promise of Harry Potter was that it was supposed to make a new generation of readers, and so the popularity of them was pushed, and so there was discussion of teaching them in schools, but I tell you fucking what, I know a whole lot more folks who grew up reading Harry Potter that never advanced beyond reading YA, or even just rereading the entire series every year and that’s pretty much them done and dusted.

In the attempt to recapture whatever it was about Harry Potter that attracted children (A lot of it was your peers doing it. I read them all as they came out, and it was literally the equivalent of watching the game so you could talk at the water cooler. That was never going to be recaptured) people, who by this time were likely in their teens, kept getting recommended stuff at the same and same level. No one ever felt pushed to read things that are challenging, to read things that have some of the concepts or themes of Harry Potter but maybe complicate. I know FAR more adults who read adult books that aren’t into Harry Potter, even if they were as children, than the reverse.

But Doc, why is reading only books meant for 14 year olds a problem??? I mean I suppose I can’t convince you that comfort is not the job of literature or of life, it is the job of an easy chair, because Americans especially are decadent as fuck about being comfy cozy all the time and if anything causes them distress or pain it should be immediately avoided. But Maybe I can convince you that you’re fucking up these books for actual ass children who deserve to have their own writing section without adults bringing their fucking asses into it. They deserve their own spaces. There’s a number of YA editors who have talked about the difficult space YA now occupies because since Potter’s blowup, it’s no longer a niche category, but basically “adult easy reads” and so they have been buying books that are more about the tastes of adult buyers than of literal 14 year olds.

Is that not...sad? To anyone else? Honestly, and this is not part of the essay because it’s a broader reaching problem, but CHILDREN’S MEDIA IS NOT FOR US. CHILDREN’S MEDIA IS NOT FOR US. CHILDREN’S MEDIA IS FOR FUCKING CHILDREN. The fucking 40-23 set really needs to get their shit together and grow up a little bit and engage in some fucking adult media, and maybe, if we support what we’re actually looking for FOR ADULTS, it will come to us. No one is saying you can’t read Harry Potter or watch some Cartoon Network show, but like, search your heart and come the fuck on. Engage in something more complex. If not for yourselves, for the kids getting shoved into simplified adult stories. It should not be about us.

ANYWAY, my larger point is that it was Harry Potter, a badly written series about a magical boy who was chosen and magic and also rich and also a favorite of the headmaster and also more clever than most adults and also spoke the same magical snake language as the big bad and was also star quarterback, but at least there was a system in which you could buy a scarf in block colors and feel like you belonged to a team.

(But not a sports team! lol handegg! I’m cool I don’t get into sports! Except Quidditch.)

#TO say nothing of the fact that I haven't been able to wear gold and burgundy together without some dumbass comment for years #despite being a favored color combination #Anonymous #Eight Days 2020 #Holligay Rants and Raves #I didn't even GET to every point I had but it's been over an hour #GOD I HATE THIS FUCKING SERIES SO MUCH #Doc do you hate me for liking it?#oh sweet thing allow me to reassure you: Yes. Absolutely.#also the prose is god-awful #I've taught teenagers with better rpose

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mor-beck-more-problems · 3 years

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Intro to Balancing Your Life || Morgan & Sasha

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @sasha-r-blog & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Sasha drops in on a new class on campus; Morgan is only too happy to offer encouragements.

“…And who is it that determines the definition of humanity? What kind of definitions do we see offered by Victor, or Henry Cleveral, or the Creature?” Morgan asked the class. The students, while not thrilled with some of Mary Shelley’s ‘big words’ had enough preparation to offer semi thoughtful ideas. Obviously, Victor thought he could define what human means. One of her try-hard students, eager to please every adult in sight, posited that while Victor’s definition of humanity is the one that dominates the narrative, the intrusion of the creature’s perspective halfway through the book is meant to compel the reader into questioning its validity. “Yes!” Morgan tossed the kid a candy from her bowl. “The midpoint crisis here upends our expectations through thought, rather than action. It is, structurally, the center, the heart of the story, changing what we believe to be true. But, are we convinced by the Creature’s definition of his humanity? Why or why no–”

Morgan’s timer, the theme song of The X-Files, went off.

“Shit. Alright, that’s time everybody! Do your homework, do your reading, and get ready for Fan-Fiction Friday! And you–” She pointed to the newcomer sandwiched at the corner of the seminar table. “Come see me for a minute. The rest of you: glad you love each other, but please get out.” As the room cleared out she began to gather up her things. “I’ll level with you, I haven’t checked my roster, so I’m not sure if you’re a late add or just checking things out. But either way, I might be able to answer any questions you have better one-on-one instead of just looking at you across the room.”

Sasha watched the other students mingle and leave, a second of nervousness keeping her in her seat before the professor called out to her. It was hard to parse the tone in Professor Beck’s voice when Sasha’s immediate assumption at a teacher saying to “see me” was that she had fuck up somehow. But either way, Sasha walked towards the desk, dodging any curious looks from her exiting classmates.

“Um, hi. Sorry I didn’t mean to cause any trouble by sitting in.” She shifted the straps of her backpack, tugging them against her shoulders, as if the weight would somehow shield her from the awkwardness. “I’m Sasha Rodriguez. You gave me your office hours awhile ago. I uh, didn’t get a chance to visit but I saw your name on the winter session course list and thought I’d check it out. I’m trying to branch out I guess.”

It took Morgan a few minutes to place the girl. She didn’t give out her school contact information to everyone, but it happened often enough that she had more than one name floating around her head. But the more she looked at her, the nervousness, the eagerness, the closer Morgan got to a hunch. “Oh, you’re the girl trying to figure everything out in college. I’m glad you decided to come by. If you’ve got some spare time, we can go somewhere and talk? I’d love to have you join in the spring, if you like what you’ve seen so far.” She dumped her books and laptop into her bag, and shouldered the load, handling the bulk with ease thanks to her strength. “Come on. Why don’t you start by telling me what you’re branching out from and what you thought about class today.”

“Oh, yeah, okay.” Sasha said as she moved to follow the professor. She still wasn’t used to how casual some professors could be. In high school they made it sound like professors were all strict, no nonsense, and unforgiving. And Sasha had certainly had professors like that during her first semester. But here was a professor throwing candy to students and cursing in class and talking about fan fiction. It was cool, but weird to process.

“I’m in computer science and I’ve only really taken courses in that department and math stuff. Oh, and also English 101, for the gen ed.” Those classes had been a lot different from what Sasha had just sat in on. Even the one English class she took didn’t really match up, that one having been run by an exhausted looking graduate teaching assistant who didn’t seem all that interested in teaching.

“The class was cool, though I feel like a lot of the stuff you were saying went over my head.” Sasha had a moment of internal panic, worried that came off as implying Professor Beck was bad at teaching. “I’ve just never been good at looking into books, but the class was interesting. I was surprised you mentioned fanfiction at the end. I didn’t think most professors even knew what that was.” Oh no, did that sound rude too? Sasha closed her mouth before she could say something dumb. Besides her advisor, if you could even count their meetings as conversation, and Ben, Sasha hadn’t really spoken one on one with a professor before. It still felt a bit surreal.

“Oh, that’s just because you’re coming in at the tail end of the course. I don’t throw my students into the deep end before I’m certain they can at least, you know, doggie paddle.” Morgan smiled good naturedly and lead them up to the main sitting area in the English building, setting her bag down carefully and making herself comfortable. “I can tell you that looking into books isn’t so different from the way you look into the stories in other media. Movies, TV, video games, comic books--our relationship to the stories we engage with say so much about what we envision for ourselves and the world. The more we understand and invest that relationship, the more empowered we feel to take control of our fate.” Morgan stopped herself from saying anything more and laughed, low and self deprecating. “Oh, jeez, don’t tell the other professors I said that. But, anyways, yes, the aforementioned reasons are what fan-fiction and other forms of counter-storytelling are so important. But more important than that is doing something that’s going to challenge you in positive, enjoyable ways. And making time for a little fun.” Morgan held her fingers up, like this much. “Can I ask how the rest of college is going for you, Sasha?”

Sasha followed her and sat in the unfamiliar sitting room. She gave a small smile as Professor Beck talked about stories and how people related to them, finding that she had been nodding along without realizing. She stopped once she did, somehow worried that it came off as over eager, as if a professor would ever get mad at someone being interested in what they were saying. If only the professor knew how close that hit to home for her. All those stories of kids getting superpowers, it was real. As if it had jumped straight off the page. As if Sasha had willed it into being. In the back of her mind Sasha wondered how she would have reacted to suddenly growing calls if she hadn’t grown up on comics and superhero movies. It felt like the blueprint to everything now.

Lost in her own thoughts she was a bit startled when the professor’s tone shifted. “No, no I agree, I think. I think all that stuff is important. Storytelling. I mean, I’m not much of a reader but comics and games and movies have been really important to me.” She wished there was a major in that stuff. Or crime fighting. She’d be on the dean’s list if her nightly patrols counted for credits.

“It’s been going okay. I mean, I don’t really do much outside of classes. I’ve been trying to do more but I mostly keep to myself.” It was the same thing she had told her advisor and Professor Campbell, but more and more Sasha felt silly for saying it. It wasn’t like she did nothing, just nothing related to college life. But it wasn’t like she could tell her professors she was protecting White Crest. Or at least trying to.

Morgan noticed Sasha’s interest and perked up at once. “You know, we do cover films in my class,” she said, grinning slyly. “And books. But still. It’s the same kind of thought process as with books, so it might as well be given its time and place. There’s plenty of other courses like that in this department, even a film and media studies minor. You should do what makes you happy, because undergrad coursework doesn’t matter half as much as you think it does. It’s all internships and jobs and connections and recommendations that help you get anywhere. And this place, college, has a lot of flaws and problems, but one of the best ways to make it worth it is leave knowing as much as you can about the things that matter to you most.” But that was about all the pitching she was willing to do on behalf of her class. Besides, being a student at UMWC came second to being a kid in White Crest. Morgan couldn’t help but look at the girl and wonder what this place would do to her. Morgan pushed the thought away, she couldn’t let herself focus on a big, bad future like it was some kind of unstoppable force.

“This might sound silly, coming from a professor who just tried to recruit you to their class, but I hope you do find other things besides school studies. There’s a much bigger world out there, and you should have something else in your life. At least friends and playing video games or going to Al’s at one in the morning or whatever kids your age do now. Life is for doing stuff, you know? Whatever it is you’re thinking about doing or joining, you should go for it!”

“I never really thought about taking a minor. I didn’t know they had one about film.” Honestly, more and more Sasha felt like she hadn’t planned much of anything when it came to school. Or life in general. But she supposed she could change that. If anything this talk had made her actually interested in looking into classes, something she had mostly breezed through doing in the past, simply checking off the boxes of what she needed for her degree. But if the professor was right and it didn’t matter that much... “Maybe I’ll try looking into classes for film and english and stuff like that. They seem fun. At least the stuff you were talking about seems fun.”

Maybe it would make school more interesting, instead of something Sasha went through the motions of to get to her real job. “Real job,” as being a superhero paid. As if she wouldn’t one day need a day job. College was a convenient way to pass the time and something she was told she had to do, but it would be nice to actually care about it, to feel like she was actually doing something.

“I do have hobbies...” Just none she could tell Professor Beck about. “But yeah, I should probably try to do more. I wanted to check out the library. I was supposed to help out with the comic collection there as a volunteer thing. So that’s a start I guess.” It had almost slipped her mind, but that was something she had been genuinely excited for. It was just hard to remember stuff like that during the day when she was normally up all night. Her nightly patrols had turned her days sluggish and uneventful, filled with quick naps between class and maybe some video games alone in her dorm before she put on her costume and went out again. And she loved doing it, of course she loved going out at night to keep White Crest safe. But at the same time...

“Do you ever just get really focused on one thing?” Sasha asked the question before she was thought about it, but decided to keep going, even if it was dumb. “Like, you have something you like or is important and you just focus on that and everything else just kinda blurs into the background?” Sasha rubbed nervously at the back of her neck. “I don’t know if that makes sense. I guess sometimes I feel like that. But I don’t know if I want to change it.”

“The library is a great start!” Morgan said. “You’re going to learn so much, and probably find people who have similar interests to you when they come to check out materials. But I hope you do other stuff, not for credit, just for you. You’re only going to be young once--” Hopefully.

She couldn’t help but smile at Sasha’s notion, that hyper-focus was something rare or embarrassing. “Oh, all the time. I have some art projects that I do on the side, and I can get so lost in my carving that hours can pass by so easily. Same with baking, or cooking something really involved. It’s almost like you’re connecting to something else, outside of or beyond you. There’s you, the thing you’re doing, and this energy it gives you, right?” Morgan watched the girl’s expression to see if she was getting it right. “Even if it’s just kind of like that, I don’t think you should change it. Whatever that thing is, it sounds to me like the universe is giving you the green light to keep going.”

Sasha nodded, giving a small smile. She was happy that Professor Beck seemed to get it and not think it was weird. Sure, Sasha's focus wasn’t on crafts or cooking, but it was the thought that counted. Her mind lingered on what she said about being given a green light. Really, what was a bigger green light than getting her powers? But she knew there was more to it than that. There had to be a reason it was her. She had to be able to do something with her powers, something to really help people. It was comforting to have the professor say she was right, that the universe wanted her to do what she was already doing, but there was a pang of melancholy knowing Sasha couldn’t tell her, or anyone, the truth. How much did advice and validation matter when the person saying it didn’t know the full truth?

She shook the thought from her head. “Thanks. Sorry, I didn’t mean to ask you a bunch of weird questions when I came to sit in. I think it would be cool to try out one of your classes though if you still have room for students.” Sasha chased away the worry of struggling in a class she wasn’t used to. If worst came to worst she could always drop that class. At least it would be something new, something she might actually end up liking.

Beaming and unawares, Morgan took out a post-it from her bag and scribbled out the class information before handing it to Sasha. “Don’t be embarrassed about questions,” she said. “Questions are how we learn. You’re never going to find anything interesting if you always leave well enough alone.” She stood up, getting the vibe that Sasha had opened up all she felt like so far. “I hope to see a lot more of you this coming semester,” she said. “Hoping even more that you do something just for you, but.” She put a finger to her lips. That’ll just be our secret.

“Thanks. I’ll try to keep asking them.” Well that was one social interaction that didn’t go horribly. Wasn’t great that Sasha considered that a victory for herself but she was going to take the feeling of accomplishment anyways. “And I’ll try to do stuff for myself too.” That was going to take more work than just registering for a class, but maybe it wouldn’t be the worst. She couldn’t promise herself she would put in the effort though. Tucking the post-it note into her backpack she smiled and said goodbye to Professor Beck. Maybe a few new classes would be enough to make her college life, and her daily life, seem a bit more exciting and a bit less like time to just get through. But her patrolling White Crest at night was still more important. Professor Beck didn’t have to know that part though.

#wr sasha #wr chatzy #wr sasha chatzy #intro to balancing your life #wickedswriting

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atc74 · 4 years

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Magical Mystery Ride

Square(s) Filled: A/B/O for @spngenrebingo and Free Space for @as-the-saying-goes-bingo I used “Love doesn’t make the world go ‘round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”

Warnings: Angst, Possessive!Omega, scenting, knotting, worried, sweet, fluffy Alpha!Jensen

Summary: When Y/N surprises her Alpha at work, she reacts unfavorably to his new assistant, but Jensen takes it all in stride, trying to understand.

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen x Omega!Reader

Word Count: 3681

Written for: @spngenrebingo, @as-the-saying-goes-bingo and for @katierpblogg and this request she sent in for my 1K notes celebration: Hii! Did I make it? Can i have “You can’t banish me! This is my bed/bedroom too!” with Jensen please!?! ❤❤❤❤ And also for @maddiepants: Jensen x “Only if you promise.” I hope you both love this!

Beta’d by: @amanda-teaches and @evansrogerskitten, thank you both so much for your feeback, support, guidance, and most importantly, your friendship.

A/N: This officially pushes me past my post goal for the year of 150,000 words and I think it turned out really great. I am still getting the hang of writing the A/B/O universe so thank you for your support and patience.

Curious about Jensen’s scent? Buy it here from @scentsfromthebunker! (note: I have described Jensen’s scent from my own imagination and it in no way reflects on the manufacturer’s creation).

As a reminder, this is a work of fiction and should be regarded as such. No harm is intended toward the actor(s) or their families.

With a wide smile on her face, Y/N pulled up to the security gate outside the studio. She knew Jensen had been working his fingers to the bone for an upcoming episode he was directing. He had been working sixteen hour days with barely enough time to eat and sleep. Y/N was a week away from her heat and was missing her mate. She decided to bring him lunch from his favorite restaurant.

“Afternoon, Miss Y/L/N. Mr. Ackles know you’re coming today or you surprising him?” Barry, the day security guard, greeted her at the gate.

“It’s a surprise, Barry,” she whispered, the smile growing wider.

“Your secret is safe with me, Y/N,” Barry threw her a wink and opened the arm for her to pass through. She pulled into the nearest parking space and gathered the bags from the seat next to her. With food in one hand and the keys to Jensen’s trailer in the other, Y/N made her way to the row of trailers. Jensen had texted her letting her know they had returned to the studio from location scouting, and he was working on a fight scene before he met with the stunt coordinator.

Y/N reached to insert her key into the lock when she noticed the door wasn’t latched tight. She pulled and immediately heard a woman’s voice. The smell of Omega was overpowering and, so close to her heat, had Y/N’s knees buckling at the scent. With a loud bang, her knees hit the steel steps as she gripped the door to steady herself.

“Y/N?” Jensen’s voice boomed over her. “What happened?”

“I came to surprise you with lunch, but you’re clearly busy,” she managed, reluctantly allowing Jensen to pull her to her feet and pick up the bag she dropped.

“You brought me lunch from Pino’s?” He smiled softly, his eyes crinkling perfectly at the corners as he peered inside the bag. “Cannolis?”

“Um, yeah. Whatever, I have to go.” She turned to go, but his hand caught her wrist.

“Jay, is everything okay?” The sweet voice belonging to the overly sweet scent carried through the open door.

“Please stay. You’re upset about something. Talk to me,” Jensen pleaded, pulling her back up the stairs and into his trailer. “Y/N, this is my new assistant, Patty. Patty, this is Y/N, my mate.”

“Oh my gosh! It’s so nice to finally meet you, Y/N! Jay talks about you all the time.” Patty rushed forward to shake hands, bringing her sweet vanilla and apple scent with her.

“Really? Funny, he never mentioned you,” Y/N snarled, suddenly feeling very possessive over her Alpha, and the look she gave him made it clear he needed to keep the strange Omega away from both of them.

“Uh, Patty, why don’t you take a break and get some lunch?” Jensen directed her toward the door. “I’ll meet you in the gym for the stunt set-up in 90 minutes.”

“Okie dokie, Jay. Bye, Y/N! It was so nice to meet you!” Patty gushed as she bounced down the steps of Jensen’s trailer.

“‘Okie dokie?’ Who says that anymore?” Y/N jeered, taking a seat at the island.

“Honey, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Jensen came to stand by her side. “This isn't like you.”

“What’s wrong? I’m a week away from my heat, you’re working 24/7 and our anniversary is in four days. I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks, Jay. I come to surprise you at work only to find your trailer reeking of vanilla sugar whatever and perky Patty who seems to know everything about me, but you failed to mention your ‘new assistant’ to me, your mate,” Y/N ranted. “I wonder what could be wrong!”

“Hold on, Y/N, honey. You’re overreacting. Probably a side effect of your heat,” Jensen reasoned, only it didn’t sit well with Y/N, and he regretted the words the instant they left his mouth.

“Overreacting?” Y/N stood, throwing her arms in the air. “No fucking shit, Jay. Tell me you wouldn’t do the same if the roles were reversed, and you found some young stud spreading his scent all over the place!”

“Would you give me a minute and let me explain?” Jensen took a cautious step toward her, his hands up in surrender. It was common knowledge that Alphas in or near a rut were dangerous. Omegas were less common, but no less dangerous near a heat if they felt threatened by another Omega near their mate.

“Enjoy your lunch, Jay,” Y/N ripped open the door, slamming it behind her. Despite the cool weather, sweat beaded on her upper lip, and her knees felt weak as she walked back to her car. She managed to get in and make the drive home, but no sooner was she exiting the car, did the first cramp hit her.

“Fucking perfect,” Y/N grumbled as she made it to the elevator, into their condo and stumbled into bed. The pain was early, but most likely brought on by the scent of another Omega near her Alpha that was considered a threat. Now that she was home, surrounded by familiar scents, the pain started to ebb, even if it was only slightly.

The sky was dark when she opened her eyes, realizing she must have dozed off. Looking at the clock, she realized it was almost six in the evening and her stomach rumbled, reminding her she had skipped lunch. After a quick shower and a simple dinner of scrambled eggs, toast, and a hot cup of tea, Y/N settled on the couch with new episodes of her favorite show. By the start of the fourth episode, the front door opened, revealing her tired mate. For a moment, her heart sank as she remembered what she said to him that afternoon, but, as soon as the stink of sugar hit her nose, she recalled why she had been upset in the first place.

She stood from the sofa, retreating to the bedroom and slamming the door before the odor had a chance to permeate her safe space. Y/N nervously paced the room until a soft knock sounded at their bedroom door.

“Y/N, honey? Can I come in?” She heard Jensen’s voice through the door. He sounded dejected and that made her feel bad, but it didn’t overpower her angry feelings of the events earlier that afternoon in his trailer.

“No! Go shower the sticky sweetness off and get rid of the smell in the house,” she demanded.

“Can I least have a change of clothes?” Jensen asked quietly.

She gathered a henley, boxers, and a pair of sweats and shoved them out the door quickly to avoid letting the other Omega’s smell in their bedroom.

She collapsed on the bed, with tears in her eyes and cramps rolling through her abdomen. The shower started and she rolled over onto Jensen’s pillow, finding a small amount of comfort in his scent. An hour later, long after the tears had dried on her face, there was another knock at their door. When she didn’t answer, Jensen opened the door slowly, only to see her curled into his pillow.

“Honey, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Patty. Can we talk?” he asked, walking around the bed to sit where she could see him. “Y/N, please talk to me.”

Y/N opened her tear crusted eyes, looking up into the green orbs she loved so much. His scent filled her nose, and she rose up to her knees, wrapping her arms around him, scenting him deeply. “I’m sorry I overreacted.” She pulled away, taking another breath when the scent hit her again and she saw red. She pushed him away and scrambled off the bed. “Get out. You can sleep on the couch.”

“You can’t banish me, this is my bedroom, too,” Jensen protested.

“Fine, then I’ll go,” Y/N took her pillow and stormed from the room, flopping down on the couch. The stink was everywhere and was driving her mad. She rushed to the kitchen, grabbing the scent neutralizing spray from under the sink. She sprayed everywhere she thought he had been since he came home, starting with the entry and working her way to the bathroom. Feeling slightly more settled, she returned to the couch, sinking into the cushions and pulling a blanket up to her chin. Finally closing her eyes, she heard the faint sounds of footsteps. Cracking open an eye, she found Jensen laying down with a blanket and a pillow in front of the sofa.

“Jay, what are you doing?” she sighed, feeling exhausted from the day.

“We’re not going to bed angry or apart, so if you won’t come sleep in our bed, I’ll sleep out here with you,” he responded calmly.

“Don’t you get it?” she snapped.

“No, honestly, I don’t. Explain it to me, please. Help me understand why you’re so upset with me,” Jensen pleaded.

A heavy breath left her lungs before she spoke, trying not to lose her cool this time. “I feel like I never see you. You’re working all the time, only coming home to sleep and you’re gone when I wake up. I miss my mate. I come to the studio to surprise you, just to spend an hour with you while we’re both awake, only to find some new, young, unbelievably perky and too sweet assistant in your trailer.”

“Honey,” Jensen started to explain, but she cut him off.

“Her scent in your trailer set me off and, in such close proximity, I lost it. My body views her as a threat, and it triggered my heat,” Y/N informed him. “I know you think it was unreasonable, the way I acted, but my brain and body felt it was justified.”

“Are you feeling better now?” he inquired, concern filling his voice, his brows furrowed.

“A little, being home, surrounded by your scent helped, but then, when you came home, it followed you. I can still smell it and I’m cramping again,” she winced, as if on cue, another cramp overtook her.

“Patty was hired by Bob and Andrew to help me. She is young and ambitious and eager to learn everything she can about the industry and film,” Jensen reported. “For your peace of mind, she is also newly claimed, and she introduced me to her mate today. I’d like to invite them for dinner after the episode wraps, if it’s okay with you. I think you’d like them both.”

“She’s mated?” Y/N looked down at him, her hand reaching out for his.

He linked their fingers together, pressing a kiss to the back of her hand. “Happily. Like disgustingly happy. And it’s new, I think that’s why her scent is so strong. After I claimed you, for weeks your scent was stronger, the lemon slightly more pronounced and mouth watering. To the mate, the scent is enticing and indicative of happiness, of the fulfillment of their bond.”

“You smelled like beer on the first day of spring,” Y/N giggled. “The sweetness of fresh cut grass and hops, and soft, warm sandalwood. I remember like it was yesterday.”

“What do you say we get some sleep?” Jensen looked at her from his spot on the floor.

Y/N didn’t answer him right away. She just slid off the couch, straddling his lap as he laid on the floor. “We could get an early start on my heat instead.”

“Hmmm, you think so?” he asked pointedly from underneath her.

Again, she didn’t respond, instead she started a slow grind down into him, feeling him harden against her heated core. “Mmm, yes.”

Jensen had felt horrible all day since she stormed out of his trailer, for not immediately knowing what his Omega needed, but, now that he knew, it was going to play out a little differently than she expected. He gently lifted her off of him to lay her upper body across the sofa cushions. “Tell me what you want, Omega.” She mewled quietly in response. He rarely used his Alpha voice on her, but he knew the things it would do to her, so he didn’t hold back. “Use your words, Omega.”

“I need you, Alpha. Please, I need your knot,” Y/N answered, her voice smooth as butter. Jensen knew what she needed, but the Alpha in him wanted her to say it, to beg for it. “It hurts, please give me your knot.”

“Show me where you need me, ‘Mega,” Jensen commanded.

Slowly, Y/N lowered her leggings and panties, her slick already dampening her thighs and the thin cotton stuck to her skin. She reached her hand between her legs, running her slender fingers through the wetness, slipping inside. “Here, Alpha.”

Hearing his title flow from her plump lips while she fingered herself made his cock twitch in his shorts, and a low growl emanated from his chest. He pushed his boxers and pants down enough to free himself. He fisted himself with one hand, running the other over Y/N’s backside, then up and over her spine, pushing her down into the soft cushions. He coated his tip in her slick, running it along her sodden folds. “Here, Omega? Is this what you need?”

“Yes, Jay, please!” The end of her plea caught in her throat as Jensen pushed into her in a single thrust, burying himself deep inside her warm, wet pussy. “Ungh!”

“Yeah, that’s it, honey. Let me feel you,” Jensen grunted through his first few thrusts as she clenched tightly around him. He picked up speed as she relaxed around him, keeping his thrusts hard but measured, giving her what she needed and he craved.

“Oh yes! Alpha, harder!” Y/N cried out.

“Oh, you want me to fuck you harder? Show you whose pussy this is?” Jensen panted.

“It’s yours, Alpha, always yours,” Y/N moaned, when he started pounding into her, nailing her g-spot head on.

“That’s right. This perfect fucking pussy is all mine,” he declared. “Now I want you to come all over my cock. Think you can do that for me?”

“Yes! That’s my cock and I’m going to come all over it, show you whose cock that really is,” she gasped as he rammed into her.

“Only if you promise,” Jensen groaned, feeling his knot thicken and begin to restrict his movements. He snaked his hand from her hip between her legs, barely grazing her swollen clit with his calloused fingertips and she exploded around him, the sounds from her mouth alone spurring him on. He gave one final thrust, locking them together as his knot caught inside of her, her walls still contracting with the force of her orgasm. Jensen’s body seized as he emptied his seed inside her. Unable to think clearly, he lowered himself over her, placing kisses along the soft skin of her neck, scenting her as they regained their breath.

Jensen gathered her in his arms, lowering them both to the floor gently so he didn’t pull on his knot still locking them together. He pulled the blanket over their cooling skin and held her close, one arm under her head, the other over her waist. “Feel better?”

“I feel fantastic. Thank you, Alpha.” She yawned and drifted to sleep in his arms.

Luckily, Y/N’s heat passed quickly and Jensen wasn’t too far behind on his preparations for the next episode. By the time she was back to feeling 100% a few days later, she decided to visit the set once more. She felt calmer this time and, more importantly, she felt she needed to apologize to Patty.

Barry greeted her as usual, and she parked her car before heading to Jensen’s trailer. Just before she unlocked the door, Patty rounded the corner, a large box in her hands, squeaking when she saw Y/N at the door. “Y/N! What are you doing here?” She glanced around nervously.

“I just came to surprise Jay, but I’m glad I ran into you. I was wondering if we could talk inside,” she smiled.

“Well, Jensen is in a meeting right now. Um, why don’t we get some, uh, coffee? Yeah, coffee. I just love coffee,” Patty rambled, walking toward the food service tent. “Come on, let’s get coffee!”

“Oookay,” Y/N replied, thinking Patty had already had enough coffee. The young PA was already about ten steps ahead of her. Now that she was thinking clearly, Y/N realized that Patty’s scent was more apple pie and was quite pleasant. She reached the tent just as Patty peeked her head out.

They ordered coffee and took a seat at one of the empty tables. “Patty, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted the other day when we met. I’m, uh, I’m normally a very nice person, and not, like that. I was close to my heat, and it just caught me off guard, so I’m sorry.”

“I completely understand. No hard feelings. I wanted you to know how much I enjoy working with Jay. He is a brilliant director and completely devoted to you. I can see how much he loves you when he talks about you. It’s quite sweet,” Patty smiled warmly.

“Jay mentioned he would like to have you and your mate over for dinner after the episode wraps. It was Ben, right?” Patty nodded excitedly. “So what do you say? You want to come have dinner with us?”

“Oh my gosh! Y/N, we would love to! That means so much. Jay told me I would love you and that we would get along and I think this is going to be great!” Patty gushed.

“It’s settled then. I’ll have him give you the details. I’m going to head back to his trailer and wait for him.” Y/N stood to excuse herself when Patty’s phone lit up.

“Oh no! It’s Jay. He said the van broke down and he won't be back until later,” she relayed the message.

“Well, I guess I’ll hit the grocery store and head home, then. Thanks for the coffee, Patty,” she waved and walked back to her car. Y/N planned on making Jensen’s favorite meal for their anniversary tonight. It was New Year’s Eve and the store would already be a madhouse, but they decided to stay in instead of dealing with the crowds.

It took an hour, but Y/N finally made it back home with the groceries. She glanced at the clock on the wall, realizing she had just enough time to put dinner together and in the oven before she got ready. With any luck, Jensen wouldn’t be stranded on the side of the road all night. She sent up a silent prayer as she prepared dinner.

With dinner finally in the oven, Y/N headed to the bathroom for a shower. She took her time making sure her skin was silky smooth for her Alpha. Emerging from the steam in just a towel, she crossed the hall to their bedroom, but stopped dead in her tracks.

Jensen stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by candle light. “Jay, what are you doing here?”

“I live here,” he answered dryly, but cracked, laughing out loud. “I wanted to surprise you.”

“Patty said the van broke down…”

“I asked her to feed you a story, so I had time to do all this. I’m sorry I’ve been working so much and haven’t made enough time for us, but I wanted you to know how much you mean to me. I love you, Y/N,” Jensen crossed the room to pull her into his arms.

“Jensen, I love you,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around him. She pulled back after a moment, looking around their room. Candles flickered atop the wardrobe and nightstands, the room bathed in a soft golden light. “What is all this?”

“Well, what does it look like?” Jensen smirked.

“A really romantic fire hazard,” Y/N giggled.

“Yeah, there’s my Omega. Making fun of my sappy side,” he chuckled along with her. “But, honestly, I don’t do it enough and you deserve to be shown how much I love you, not just today on our anniversary, but every day.” Jensen dropped to one knee in the middle of their bedroom, holding a brilliant diamond, it’s facets sparkling in the candle light.

Her hand flew to her mouth, tears already welling up in her eyes, and he hadn’t even done anything yet.

“Y/N, you’ve made me the happiest man alive, the luckiest Alpha and turned my life completely upside down from the moment you entered it. I’m no astronaut, but if you’ll have me, I’ll do my best to give you the moon and the stars every day for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?”

She fell to her knees beside him, her mate, her Alpha. She held his stubbled face in her hands gently. “You’ve already made me the happy Omega I only ever dreamed I could be. Every single day we spend together is like discovering new galaxies. I don’t need the moon and stars, Jay. I just need you. To be my mate, my Alpha. My husband.” Y/N pressed her lips to his. A sweet, gentle kiss that promised of many more tomorrows.

With shaky fingers, Jensen slipped the ring on her finger, placing it over his heart. “They say love doesn’t make the world go ‘round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. Thank you for agreeing to take this crazy ride with me.”

“I’d never want to take this ride with anyone else,” Y/N replied, pulling him down to her. All of the late nights, the missed sleep, and lack of time were forgotten as they got lost in each other. Finding each other was accidental, but loving each other was a choice made by two hearts that became one.

Did you like it? The nicest thing you can do for a writer is reblog their work and tell them, and others, how much you like it!

The Whole Enchilada: @dolphincliffs @mrswhozeewhatsis @meganwinchester1999 @cherrycokegirls1 @closetspngirl @roxyspearing @flamencodiva @blacktithe7 @sis-tafics @just-another-busyfangirl @evansrogerskitten @amanda-teaches @hannahindie @wotinspntarnation @winchesterprincessbride @winecatsandpizza @kickingitwithkirk @wi-deangirl77 @hobby27 @mogaruke @gh0stgurl @alleiradayne @idreamofplaid @seenashwrite @manawhaat @crashdevlin @thoughtslikeaminefield @emoryhemsworth

The Dean’s List/Jensen’s Jamboree: @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @dean-winchesters-bacon @maddiepants @adoptdontshoppets @supernatural-jackles @akshi8278

#spngenrebingo #asthesayinggoesbingo #jensen ackles #jensen ackles abo #alpha!jensen #alpha!jensen x omega!reader #jensen x reader #supernatural fanfiction #Supernatural fanfic #supernatural a/b/o

255 notes · View notes

blackcatanna · 4 years

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LET THE ORGY OF SADNESS CONTINUE: Okita's Route Part 3: Edo Blossoms

I'm very interested to see how this plays out. Tbh, I don't really get this relationship yet but that seems consistent with how I felt before Edo Blossoms in the other routes so, yes, I am excited! :D I hope that Kaoru doesn't die X_X I want at least one route with Kaoru redemption but I am not at all optimistic...

Chapter 1:

"Something else entirely had me preoccupied..." Could it be... one spicy, stabby boi?

Wait, are we... LIVING TOGETHER? 👀

Quick question: do silver bullets affect demons or just furies?

BWWWWAAAARRRP!!! PHYSICAL CONTACT ALARM! "I held his soft, trembling fingers in my hands," Whoa there. Please calm down. I cannot allow this level of unbridled eroticism in my Good Christian Suburb.

In all seriousness, though, I GUESS this is SOMEWHAT sweet and romantic but I want everyone to know that I'm saying this under duress. >:( If I fancied him, this would wring the fuck out of my heart.

"Are you sure? You aren't just saying that?" Glad to see that Doctor Chizuru studied under Doctor Gregory "Everybody Lies" House.

"Why is it that you're always here when I wake up?" If you can't figure it out, I sure as hell am not going to tell you!

"Okita seemed to take pleasure from my surprise, and he stared into my eyes." X_X Of course he did... Because he loves to provoke reactions.

"Answer me." MAKE ME >_<

"looking off to the side in a fit of feigned indifference." < Okita in a nutshell

Is he upset because I said that I was here because of worry and guilt? Because, tbh, fair enough. Those were pretty dumb things to say, making out like it's a burden instead of admitting that I actually like being around him >:(

"Well, I guess that's fine then." X_X Oh, come on! Don't use the f-word on me like that! D:

"She's lying." YAMAZAKI!!! >_<

"Look, I know you can't stop thinking about me, but this whole doting-all-day-and-night thing is tiring." Called. The fuck. Out. X_X

Tbf, it seems kind of hypocritical to be fussing over someone while refusing to let them even inquire about your own health. Plus, it's a very one sided arrangement, which is not healthy X_X

"stop throwing a bitch fit" XD Okita is my new hero :')

"I didn't know that my behaviour became a cause for concern for them, too." Then, perhaps, you are foolish and inconsiderate -_-

O: Okita!?? Did he faint?! O_O

Woo! Going on an adventure with YAM! :)

There had better not be any creepy bald fuckers waiting in mah house! >:(

Are all doctors bald in 1860s Japan????

I'm so happy that Yamazaki's still alive in this route :) TOUCH WOOD.

"*Grunt* *Cough*..." Ah, I knew it was only a matter of time before I caught tb -_- (jk)

No, never split the party! D:

"However the price to pay is life itself." DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUUUUN!!! So much for it granting "immortality"

"the poisonous Water of Life" uh... Isn't that kind of an oxymoron X_X

"Retaining your sanity is impossible without feasting on blood." Ah, so all along, the Shinsengumi were just feeding the furies a poor diet.

O: ):< WHO DARES THUMP MY YAMAZAKI?

Of course. It's fucking Kaoru -_-

Blah blah, sadistic fuckery, blah blah. I'm starting to get real tired of your shit, BROTHER.

"Was he trying to play a trick on me?" -_- probably, yeah.

Wow, that's... Actually pretty helpful? Thanks!?

Okay, the doctor folk have gone! I give Okita delicious blood now? :)

Oh. HE GAWN!!! O:

WHY ARE YOU UP AND DRESSED? >_<

"Sleeping all day is such a drag." True, so DRINK MY BLOOD AND GET BETTER >:(

Bloodlust time :O Good thing I'm a walking blood pack! :D

"How long have you been doing this?" Uh, haven't you been watching over him night and day?

"I wrapped my arms around Okita and held him tight " BWAAAA- Okay, yes, physical contact. Hug = gud >:(

"Pease, drink this " DRINK THE BLOOD >:(

"I could feel his breath brushing across my skin..." o_o Saucy...

Why are the blood drinking descriptions so erotic XD I mean, I'm not complaining but-

Who is this strange, apologetic man?

Blood > Porridge

Heh heh, apparently, Hijikata acts "all hoighty-toighty"

Oooh! Looks like Okita's trying to break free of his diligent YAM nursing...

"I am calm" Okita, last time you said that, you went on a killing spree...

Ooh, I wonder why Yamazaki and Okita don't get along... I remember seeing a picture somewhere with casual Yamazaki abuse in the background...

"Okita was acting like a petulant child, throwing his toys out of the pram..." X_X Sexy...

"Do you think the Shinsengumi still needs me?" HONEY, the Shinsengumi needs all the help it can GET!! O_O

Omg, Yamazaki's threatening to tell on Okita! XD He's playing a dangerous (and childish) game!

Side note: the painting in Okita's room is distracting me because it kind of reminds me of the dead mice my cats bring in on a regular basis.

WAIT, IT'S A FISH!!! X_X A NICE, INNOCENT LITTLE KOI FISHY X_X I need to stop spending so much time with my cats...

"What, already? Can't I stay up just a little longer?" Hakuoki: Mum simulator!

"I'll turn in on one condition..." Oo-er :O

"Okita grinned mischievously, and he peered directly into my eyes." O_O OO-ER!

"My palms became sweaty, and my heart skipped a beat." IT MUST BE LOVE O_O

"Since you're here, mind laying down next to me?" DUN DADA DUN! *fanfare plays* We got there in the end, folks! :D

DON'T YOU DARE SAY NO XD

"That's not a funny joke." True. And the only way to teach him a lesson is to PRETEND to take him seriously by DOING AS HE SAYS >:)

"You're so dense." FACTS.

WELL DONE, CHIZURU, YOU DONE COCK-BLOCKED YERSELF, I said, berating the fictional character as if that's not totally something that I would do in real life ..

"Okita blushed, turning away in embarrassment." O: CTRL+Z CTRL+Z CTRL+Z ):<

"I want to, erm, talk to you for a little bit longer..." Oh, we can "talk" all night long ;)

"Talk...? With me?" But I'm only a stupid woman, huh dur, with naught to say but um and er! Actually, Chizuru does say ""um..." I couldn't think of anything to say" in this route A LOT so maybe FAIR PLAY.

Just realised that I accidentally made a rhyme.

"Okita sighed, frustrated" HONESTLY, ME TOO.

"How clearly do I have to spell this out for you." I'm beginning to wonder that myself. He just wants some company, Chizuru! Is that SO HARD to imagine? X_X

"He began to run his fingers through my hair." Oooh! Physical contact :3 Chizuru = pet cat!

"as the tip of his finger touched my skin, my heart skipped." Yeeeesssss... Feel the thirst flow through you... 3:)

Are we gonna get a thirsty Western uniform pan, now? :P

"I tried facing him directly, but for some reason my heart was thudding in my chest..." :O Oh my! I cannot think of a possible explanation! You should get that checked out! >:P

"you find me sexy right now, don't you?" AH-HAH! >:D Caught red handed!

Ugh, can't believe he tricked me into saying he looks good. >:(

UGH. Doctor Matsumoto still needs to perform a final exam on Okita?! Just let him go already X_X

Wow, has Okita been seething against Hijikata this whole time? That... Can't be healthy -_-

"Okita had the tendency to act rashly and avoid looking at the bigger picture, particularly when Hijikata was involved." No shit. He's going to be such a handful X_X

"You're coming, right?" Of course. I'm not just going to sit around here while everyone I care about gets killed O_O besides, you need my nutritious and delicious blood to keep you nice and healthy ^_^

"she can't keep her eyes off me for long enough, to the point where she'll follow me wherever I go" Yeah, because that's how you win at this game >:P

"Aw, is that some blushing I see? It's the truth." Yup.

"Well, yeah," SHE ADMITTED IT!!! 8D

"So, Yukimura. It appears you have some feelings for Okita, is this true?" OH, FRICKING GREAT!!! NOW I'M BEING INTERROGATED BY MY DAD'S EX- COLLEAGUE ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE X_X IF THE GROUND COULD SWALLOW ME NOW, THAT'D BE GREAT! OKITA IS SUCH A DICK XD

OKITA. STOP.

Doctor, why you gotta be so serious? O:

"Criminy..." Uh... Is that a real word?...

Omg, it is a real word! I have never heard anyone use it but, tbf, this is the 1860s :P

Okita needs to stop saying that every decision that Kondou makes that he doesn't like is because Hijikata "coerced" him. He's a grown man. He can think for himself. Please respect his autonomy X_X This is not healthy.

Uuuuuugh. Kaoru >_< Seriously, get a life!

"I'm here to watch the Shinsengumi flail around like pathetic losers as they watch their friends die." ... KAORU, THAT DOES NOT COUNT AS A HOBBY >_<

"Looks like you made it in time for the show, though. You'll be able to witness the glorious execution of the Shinsengumi's idiot chief." Or, in other words, we arrived in time to try and rescue him >:)

"You look nice. All your little boo-boos patched up?" Uhh... There's a lot to unpack here...

"Okita reveled in the vicious display, allowing Kaoru's blood to shower him as he swung repeatedly at the Demon." O_O Umm... Okita? Maybe CHILL THE FUCK OUT. O_O HE IS MY BROTHER, YOU KNOW?!

Aaaand, seemingly Kaoru's going to milk that fact... -_-

Did he... Stab me in the mouth?!?? What am I looking at here? X_X

Also, why doesn't he just activate his demon form!?!

Wait, is he feeding me the Ochimizu?!

Kaoru says that the water of life will eat away at Okita's body faster than if he'd just succumbed to TB but that's clearly not true if he's living long enough to see the end of the Shinsengumi. Plus, a short life of action is better than spending the rest of your days fading away in a sickbed.

"Okita comforted me with the soft tickle of his hands as they wiped away each tear with a warm touch." :3 Pretty darn wholesome! I will concede this point!

"you're a sweetheart." :3 Thank.

"You're a good girl" And am I supposed to wag my tail at that? X_X

"I... I am in love with Okita." O: Damn, that'll go straight to his head X_X

"more than anything or anyone" not that that's saying much :P Sorry, romantic moment, must resist shit talking urges!

"I believed that if I died, no one would give a shit." </3 O: )': DX Neveeeeeerrrrr!!!!

I prescribe HUG INJECTION >:(

"You look like shit" -_- Way to kill the mood.

"Here, come closer." :D Okay, I forgive you! <3

Oh, he played the uno reverse card on my hug plan :O

"How could I keep myself calm when the man I loved held me delicately in his arms?" BIG. MOOD.

Awe, he didn't kill Kaoru because "my heart knew it didn't want you to hate me..." <3 <3 <3 >.<

"My heart melted." SAME.

Chapter 2:

Damn, we're only on Chapter 2 and things are already getting pretty fluffy...

"Do you want me to sleep next to you?" DO IT. XD I dare you :P

"I wonder if Okita thought of me as nothing more than a silk kimono and a warming stone, as if that was all I could offer..." Girl, come on! Don't sell him short like this! Oh, and tell me more about what you want to offer him 3:)

Well, it looks like blood is the answer, for now O_O

"Y-You're not gonna offer me a-any blood today? Trying to play hard to get?" -_-

"his warm mouth drew my blood into his full, tender lips." X_X Sounds like someone needs a cold shower...

"I'm a diseased freak with no hope for the future." D: Don't say that! Everybody dies eventually! You still have strength to achieve the things you want and we can still be happy together! :'(

"I will be by your side, Okita... No matter what." YUS >:)

SEN!!! <3

"Would it have killed you to at least write us a letter?" O: I'm sorry! X_X

Ha. Bold of you to assume that Kodo's continued research might be in your favour.

"Kondou has surrendered to the Imperial Army." O_O OH FUCK.

And of course Okita is blaming Hijikata X_X

"You are making assumptions, most of which are uninformed" Yeah, you tell him, Sen-bae!

I still don't see why we can't at least try to rescue Kondou >:( Are we just supposed to sit tight and wait for him to be executed?!??

" I'm sure that Kondou would be very unhappy to hear his life was saved at the cost of Okita's." >:( And I'm sure that he would be even more unhappy to hear that Okita spent the rest of his days confined to his bed, in misery and anguish. >:(

The dream was pretty wholesome :'o

I guess protecting the things that are important to Kondou, like his legacy, is more important than protecting Kondou himself. Kondou entrusted his legacy to Okita, and so his efforts might be better spent elsewhere, rather than on rescuing Kondou. :'( That's up to him, though.

HUG ALERT!!! 8D

"No matter how many times he touched me, I couldn't have imagined ever tiring of the sensation..." XD The thirst is real!

"Y'know, ever since you came into my life, I've always given you a hard time..." WHERE IS THE LIE?

These two assholes in each other's arms, like "Welp, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of telling you that I love you so we're just going to continue this totally not heterosexual hug right now and stfu."

:D I am happy to see Hijikata! However, I know someone who may feel differently -_-

"Would you like me to wake him." O_O Nooooot a good idea, Chizuru!

"Without me to blame, I doubt he'll have anything to motivate him, and I'm worried he'll lose the will to live." :O Hijikata, that's kind of sweet in a fucked up kind of way but you underestimate the power of LOVE >:)

THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE FUCKING KAORU AGAIN!!!

:O Kazama and Amagiri?! I was beginning to think that Kazama had lost interest in me. Or, at least, hoped he had.

"This evening... Isami Kondou was beheaded." I just gasped out loud! Kondou, no! D':

OMG, IS CHIZURU TRANSFORMING INTO A BADASS DEMON?! 8D 8D 8D

"A woman who has sullied herself with the water of life is unworthy of my love. Consider this over." ... IF I KNEW THAT THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK, I WOULD HAVE DRANK THAT FUCKING CONCOCTION YEARS AGO >_<

"You are dead to me." GOOD.

Awe, Okita! :'(

NOW I'M CRYING, TOO D'X Damn this game DX

Chapter 3:

Chasing down the Shinsengumi >:) ... Again! If this is anything like Kazama's route, this is going to be depressing af...

We're like two fuzzy wood creatures, going from cozy spot to cozy spot to snooze in during the day :')

"Be a good girl," >_< Staaaaaahhhp!!!

"They went thattaway!" XD I know that this situation is pretty dire but that sentence makes me chuckle!

"Fight...? You?" Ye bitch! >:) I got me my ochimizu powers now!

"How dare you, you bastard!" UM. YOU ATTACKED US!!! WE WERE TRYING TO HAVE A NAP!

*Slash, slash, squelch, splat* X_X

"Ahahaha! You're just helpless pigs!" -_- Uh, Okita? Calm the fuck down, k? You're starting to sound like Kazama!

"his sadistic display of sword mastery." Yup, they be the right words -_-

Ugh, I got shot. Probably shouldn't have been standing around doing NOTHING X_X

D: I killed a guy! GUYS, CHIZURU JUST STABBED SOMEONE IN THE HEART, COME AND SEE!!! :')

"Chizuru, you're trying to hard." *Hides guide* I don't know what you could possibly mean :) :) :)

:O a kunai?! Could it be... my boy YAM?!

YAM!!! :'D

"I just assumed you died or something." Okita is the queen of tact, as always :')

Wait, Yamazaki, don't stay behind on your own O':

NOOOOOOOOO O_O

YAMAZAKIIIIIIII!!!!

OMG HE'S OKAY!!! 8'D 8'D

"I... Cannot afford to die yet..." Doesn't stop you in most routes, though, does it? X_X

"This doesn't look good..." Oh no! Is he going to succumb to his injuries off screen?! D': Classic Yamazaki D,X

"You've been spying on us for days, and I didn't even notice." :') That's our Yam boy!

Aw, Okita gave Yamazaki the thank you!

I reeeeeaaally don't think that Kondou would want Okita to murder Hijikata X_X

"I am going to be late, but I promise to return." YOU HAD BETTER. >:( DON'T DIE, YAMAZAKI!

Owl <3 Hoot hoot to you too, my friend!

Don't kill Hijikata, you dumbass. -_-

"A penchant for violence" X_X That's Okita all right!

It would be funny if he were drinking from Chizuru's foot, instead... Just, something about the way he's holding her hand invites that image XD

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! WHY DOES A BATTLE HAVE TO ERUPT EVERYWHERE WE GO!?!

"Okita grabbed my hand" 8D < Happy Chizuru!

Wait... I'M GETTING BLOODLUST?!? MONSTER CHIZURU IS UNLEASHED >:)

Oh, I guess not. Kinda disappointed, tbh XD

Ugh, can we just catch up to Hijikata already? Let's get this over with.

Wait, his sister was "wedded off to some deadbeat"!?! I wonder how old she was... :/

"I was bullied and given shit all the time." :'(

The CG of Okita giving Hijikata the evils is BEAUTIFUL! X'D

"He was a rich snob" somehow, I doubt that...

Wow, Okita really is seething with passionate jealousy for Hijikata... Even though Kondou gave him the sword X_X

I feel like Kondou's relationship with Hijikata is different enough than Okita and Kondou's that Okita's intense jealousy seems a bit much...

It sort of feels kind of like a kid being jealous of their dad's new girlfriend X_X

MORE HUGS >:D

"Before I knew it, you slithered your way into my heart..." That's a pretty weird but also adorable thing to say X'D SLITHER SLITHER

"And you know just what to say," I KNOW, UNCANNY, RIGHT :) :) :) *hides guide*

"We couldn't help but succumb to the hypnotic lull of our passionate embrace." XD Does this mean a fade-to-black is coming :P

I love that their following Hijikata tracks like they're hunting the wild Hijikata beast XD

Is he all alone?

Oh, he has a bodyguard XD

Really inappropriate time to mention this but this route makes Hijikata seem more attractive to me than before XD Maybe it's because of the contrast with Okita's sadistic, violent, volatile side... Maybe it's because he seems more vulnerable when being berated by Okita, idk XD Leave Hijikata alone, Okita!

"You could have saved him!" But Hijikata has RESPONSIBILITIES. He can't just abandon his men and their cause to save Kondou, even if he wanted to :'(

"I COULDN'T!!!" Yeah, you tell him, Hijikata >:(

OKITA, DON'T PUNCH HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE!!! I mean, uh... XD

Wait, we're not going with the Shinsengumi?! O_e

"Hijikata's a real dumbass, don't you think?" -_- .......NO!

Kondou reading to tiny Okita = mega cuteness!

"If I never met Kondou, there's no doubt in my mind that I'd be waaaaay more cuckoo than I am now." And nobody, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT O_O

"You and Kondou are pretty similar" Obviously, that's a compliment and I'm super flattered but I reeeeeaaally hope that this relationship isn't just because Chizuru reminds him of Kondou XP

"My heart suddenly melted in my chest." What, again!?! Chizuru's heart had been through A LOT during this route -_-

"To be fair, it was a little strange of Okita to compare a woman he loved to a man he viewed as a father..." <<< See?! :P

Skipping off, hand in hand :')

Chapter 4:

Aw, tiny Chizuru sadness flashback </3

It's unthinkably awful, what happened to the village, but revenge =/= genocide.

Chizuru, y u lie? -_-

"There were men who took pleasure from their evil deeds." And demons, too... And Okita, to an extent XD

Ugh, I bet Kaoru's gonna sneak up on me while Okita's gone and be all, "Yeeeeesssss.... Give in to your anger... Feel the hate flow through you..." Fucking annoying hate goblin child.

OH, LOOK WHO IT IS!!!

"You're a real bitch, you know that?" Oh, I'M A BITCH??!! Sure thing, tiny asshole. -_-

"At long last, we can come together. We can be the siblings were born to be." ... Happy and free from the burdens of hate and bitterness? O_O

"We are going to massacre the evil forces conspiring within this country, for the good of our people." ... What people? The dead ones? Yeah, I'm sure they'll be reeeeeeaaal grateful from their graves. Sounds like you just want an excuse to torment some humans, you sadistic piece of shit -_-

"Suddenly, I craved blood..." OH HO!

"I... I craved Okita's blood..." 'Sonly fair >:P

"my entire body screamed to tear Okita limb from limb." 8O Yikes.

I... Kinda want to know what happens if I give in to the bloodlust... 😏

Buuuuut I gotta endure it. Damn.

Oh, it's cold up North, is it? ;P What can we possibly do to stay warm in bed?

PENGUIN HUDDLE is hopefully the answer.

<3 :D Looking up at the stars together!

"I want to make your wishes come true. All of them..." :D Okita is every girl's dream sexy murder genie :)

""If you still plan on walking away from me and everything you have..." Okita reached his hand to me kindly." :) :) :)

"Then, I will kill you " FFS XD THIS BITCH!!!

I bet we're gonna kiss now or something. Damn that sexy murder genie X_X

Oh, no kissing, just crying XD That's... Actually more appropriate, even if they are happy tears :')

O WAIT, "I grabbed ahold of him madly" ...

SMOOCHY SMOOCHY >:)

"For once in my life, I felt whole," Awe </3 "the thought of which nearly brought my tears." BITCH, UR ALREADY CRYING XD

"each breath between our zealous smacking grew more strained and sensuous." O_e ... Uh, what did I just read? XD XD XD

"now that Kondou's gone... I only have one reason to fight." Uh... I have a feeling that it's a Chizuru reason... He really needs to find his own motivations, instead of just attaching himself to the causes of people who give him attention. Okay, that was a bit harsh. X_X I'm sorry, Okita!

"How about another kiss, huh?" "B-but, um... W-we just kissed..." ... SO!?! GIRL, YOU KNOW YOU'RE HOT FOR HIM!

"I'm askin' you if you'll have me or not." ... When he says "have", does he mean . . .

"Well, I think there's a time and place for everything." ... Damn. Is this game suggesting that if I say yes, I'm a slut and he'll think less of me? XP BOOOOOOO!

"Watching you squirm like that makes me want to play with you even more." XD As I predicted: Big Dom Energy!

"As long as I will live, I will crave your touch..." *Munches popcorn* Just screw, damn it!

"Our plump lips smeared against one another, and he pulled at a fistful of my hair, drawing me deeper into him as he bit forcefully into my lower lip." :O ... Kinky! >:P I totally called it XD

"I do not mind putting up with anything you might do to me, Okita." How... Romantic?? O_e Just admit that you're horny, Chizuru! There's no shame, I swear!

"I bet when I'm gone, you'll sob like a baby." :'O YES. OBVIOUSLY. >:'(

"Okita spooned me," Classic XD

Ew, Kodo.

"You look pale. Please do not tell me that you have been refusing to drink blood." XD Thanks for your concern...

Bless Okita for offering himself as an all-you-can-eat buffet X_X

"If I were to commit to this relationship, then it meant I needed to separate myself from my family." DRAMAAAA! :D *Pulls out another bag of popcorn*

"I have no desire to carve a life that comes at the expense of hurting others." PREACH B)

#hakuoki #hakuouki #okita #okita souji #edo blossoms #LONG #SALT #otome adventures #SO MANY WORDS #I DIDN'T KNOW THAT TUMBLR HAD A WORD LIMIT BUT I GUESS I FOUND IT #Tune in for part 4 #i have an addiction

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shiningvrmor · 5 years

Text

* &. ( courtney eaton , demigirl ) QUINN-VIKTORIA "QUIVI" NIKOLAYEVNA , the KNIGHT , is TWENTY-ONE and a SOPHOMORE. S H E is majoring in ASL. They are not part of the Imperium Society and from the outside, they think it’s A CATACLYSM WAITING TO HAPPEN. I often see them around campus PARKOURING & FENCING. They remind me of BLOODIED BANDAGES , EMPTY MCFLURRY CUPS , HORRIFIED BROWN EYES , PUSHEEN STUFFED TOYS.

Okay I was originally just gonna stick w/ Cyrus bc I always get worried about losing muse for secondary characters or not being able to handle them BUT after some . . . forethought I decided I’d bring my battle bby here !! More abt her under the cut.

BIO / HISTORY

Most important fact is that Quivi is a 6’3 selectively mute battle babe originally from Russia ; she was originally adopted into a family with a young boy born on the exact same day as her, so ever since they were considered twins

Her adoptive family was rich, focusing on passing down their company to her twin - and she… was only adopted for the sake of being his protection.

Yeah, she was treated more like a soldier than a child for that sake.

So Quivi was constantly trained in stealth, defense, combat, etc. - being homeschooled, but that was the main excuse on how they could get away with teaching her their lessons instead of what she needed to learn.

She was taught to understand English, Spanish, Russian, and Morse Code. And her lessons consisted of training in hand-to-hand combat as well with knives, swords, etc. Never guns ; no, they scared her.

And to train her further, when she was about sixteen, her parents enrolled her in an illegal fight club and… she was really good at it. Earning the title of champion quickly, she constantly had to fight opponents to sharpen her skills.

And this continued for about four years, until her parents were exposed since the rumors of a young girl being trained like a special-ops soldier in the military were getting around - and she almost mortally wounded a Russian officer when she was discovered. Though, she’d done that to many people in the fighting ring.

SO… yeah. She was taken away from her family despite being an adult, and sent to a school where they could teach her to sharpen her gifts and use them for good: Ashcroft.

And she was invited to be in the Imperium society, only after registering how much she’d hurt people and how much pain she and other people had gone through because of her extensive training - well, she rejected that.

She didn’t want to be glorified for becoming a fighting machine, and thought of the Imperium Society as a squad full of elites breeded to stomp on others that would eventually come toppling down, so yeah. A main reason for her rejection.

And yeah, it’s a little rumor she was almost in the Imperium society for that, but turned it down.

( Spoiler alert the anon that asked abt that was me OOPS )

FACTS

So yes Quivi IS selectively mute - and because of this, she primarily communicates either through writing, sign language, or morse code

She’s also majoring in ASL - even though she knows RSL and BSL, too - so she can actually interpret others communicating through it

Quivi knows a LOT of languages - as a child, her mother tongue was Russian, and learned RSL through that. She also received lessons in Morse Code, and can use it fluently, and she was taught English and Spanish but she’s honestly very insecure in both of them. She knows BSL and ASL through her own studies.

Her verbal language barrier with English is also why she prefers not to speak much, as it contributes to the anxiety that is behind selective mutism

She’ll speak to you if she’s relaxed or comfortable around you - and for Quivi, that’s a rarity

Again, her training in fighting makes her exceptionally good at it - and a lot of times, it’s like second nature. But she doesn’t want to hurt people anymore, even though it’s impulse because of how she was raised.

She was also trained in intense stealth and parkour; she knows how to drive, but doesn’t own a car since she’d much rather use her feet to get her where she needs to go.

A MAJOR comfort in her life’s many changes in the past two years is reading - she loves to read fiction, catching up on the books and works she’s been deprived of over the years.

She’s read a lot of Shakespeare and Angelou, also in the process of reading more from Poe, Hemingway, Dickinson, and Dickins

She’s also rly into fencing bc swordplay

Okay I don’t have ANY ideas for wcs or stuff rn but !! Please please please don’t be afraid to hit me up for plots and maybe later I’ll write more specific stuff down !!

#* &. intro )#class:intro

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maple-leafing · 6 years

Text

Ammuntion (Mitch Marner x Reader)

Request: None...This comes straight from me. Honestly I just felt like writing something for Mitch. This was one of the suggestions I asked for though

Summary: You and Mitch don’t get along. You’re like oil and water, clashing constantly and harshly. Can you find a way to fix your non existent friendship and tell each other how you really feel?

Player: Mitch Marner

Team: Toronto Maple Leafs

Word Count: 2321

Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to the players that I am writing for and everything is purely fictional. None of the gifs I use are my own.

A/n: So I’ve never written for Mitchy, and I have no clue how that happened but.......there is always a first time for everything! This piece is also inspired by the song Ammunition by Krewella, so listening to that might help or make the reading experience better!

“Are you serious? You’re truly being serious?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

You and Mitch, if you could even call him that...(it’s not like you’re really on a first name basis) had been arguing back and forth for the past 20 minutes about something so petty it was almost as if you were arguing just for the thrill of arguing.

“Asshole.” You spat angrily as Mitch made a comment about how what you were wearing wasn’t girly enough. Even though you knew he said it just to rile you up, it still didn’t sit well with you. Although, it’s not like you even cared what he thought.

“Bitch.” He retorted.

“Is that supposed to scare me?” You asked mockingly. “Oh no, Mitch Marner thinks I’m a bitch, call the fucking police.” At this point he’d done just enough to almost push you over the edge, and if he didn’t stop soon, he’d quickly realize how wrong he was to pick a fight with you.

“(Y/n). I don’t just think you’re a bitch.” Venom seeped through his tone while his lips remained in a tight line, demonstrating his anger further. “I know you’re a bitch.”

“Guys.” Auston shouted momentarily gaining your attention away from the man whose very presence made you want to hurt someone, (specifically him, but when Mitch was around, you weren’t so sensible) “Cut it out. This is supposed to be a relaxing night off before the season starts, just friends hanging out with friends.”

“Friends...right. Just remind me why you invited her?” Mitch glared icily in your direction.

“Mitch.” Morgan interrupted, quickly becoming tired of his teammate’s attitude.

Taking Morgan’s choice to speak as an opportunity to leave the room, you did. Freddie’s condo was decently sized, but your favourite part about hanging out at his place, was being able to escape to his patio. It wasn’t large, but it was just enough for you to get some fresh air, clear your mind of anything and everything, especially Mitch Marner.

There were many people stacked into Freddie’s condo that surely, you thought, no one would miss you. All the guys that could make it, and their wives or girlfriends had come to this hang out to celebrate the start of the season. You were neither a wife, nor a girlfriend of a player, but you were, are, Auston’s close friend.

As you looked up at the dark, seemingly starless sky, and moved to the edge of the patio, choosing to tilt your head downwards, gaining a glance at the city view, you began to think about when it all went wrong. You have no idea what caused Mitch to hate you as much as he does. At first you thought maybe he was jealous that you were closer with Auston than he was, but quickly you realized, after months of being around the Canadian, that wasn’t the reason.

Mitch was an infectious person. Every person you’d ever talked to that had been in the presence of Mitch Marner, only spoke about how amazing he is, how happy he is. If you’re being honest, you’d never seen that before, and god did you want to. You wanted to be his friend, but he’d made it more than clear that he didn’t want to be yours. The only reason you’d chosen to act the way you do around him, was because he had started it. To you, it had started as a charade. If he was acting like he hated you, you were going to do the same, but now, you weren’t so sure. You never wanted to hate Mitch, and you’re not sure you ever truly will, but the more he decides to go out of his way to personally insult you, the less you remember why you wanted to be his friend in the first place.

/////

“I just don’t understand why you’re such an asshole with her.” Auston’s voice was steady but there was a hint of annoyance to it. It slightly bounced off the narrow corridor that lead to Freddie’s bedroom that Auston had pulled Mitch into. It was easy to tell both men were trying to keep their voices hushed. “I can’t even blame her for being the way she is towards you because at least in the beginning, she tried.”

“What? So now you’re taking her side?” Mitch’s eyes focused on his teammate with an intensity and an arrogance that Auston had never seen from him before.

“Of course I’m taking her side. She’s my best friend.”

“You know what?” Mitch glared, arms spread, turning to make his way out towards the living room, “Screw you.”

Anger coursed through his veins. All of this had started from him trying to conceal his feelings. The moment he saw you, Mitch knew it was better to separate himself from you than to let himself get close. So he did the only thing he thought reasonable, teach himself to hate you more than he’d ever hated another human being, in hopes it would turn the butterflies in his stomach to nothing.

Mitch had known from the second Auston introduced the two of you that this wasn’t a normal ‘crush’ that would go away. All the crushes he had had before, had never felt like that. It was the typical, boy likes girl, so boy teases girl. He knew it was wrong, and stupid, but at this point, he was too far in. The damage had been done, and he was sure you hated his guts.

As he wandered towards the balcony to get some air, he caught a glimpse of your silhouette. Your face rested in your hands as you stared out at the sky looking immersed in deep thoughts. He tried to move his body, tried to turn away, but it was as if his conscience had told his legs it was time to apologize, and suddenly, he was moving towards you.

“You come out here to think too?”

Your head snapped up. That voice.....it had to be Mitch. You sighed internally knowing that your alone time was now over and in a few minutes, you’d likely be yelling and angry. It was like a pattern for the two of you that you could never escape. He was the ammunition that you need to set you off, and you were his.

“Yeah.” Your voice was solemn and broken. You had yet to turn and face him, not wanting to actually believe he was there. “So if you’re here to make more offhand comments about how I look, or how much of a bitch I am, I’ll get my stuff and leave.”

“I’m actually here to apologize.”

You’d never heard those words come out of his mouth. Apologize was not a word you thought belonged in his vocabulary, and yet, you turned to face him.

“I’m not sure you’re talking to the right person.” You spoke quietly. “Not once have you made an attempt to apologize. Why start now?” You knew you owed him the same, and you were, are, sorry for the way you acted, but in this moment, you’re too shocked (and slightly irritated) to give him that. Even if he gave you the grandest apology ever recorded, it was in your nature to be stubborn....to push him away.

“I’ve been a dick.” Mitch took a step closer to you, causing your breath to hitch in your throat. “Auston helped me realize that, and I’m sorry.”

Your heart so badly wanted you to tell him you really liked him. Deep down you knew you could never hate him, but was it safe to accept his apology? By doing so, you’d be letting him in, and you didn’t know if you could let yourself be vulnerable. Especially not with him.

“No.” You decided. “I’m not going to accept your half assed, poor excuse of an apology.” You took a step towards him, trying to turn the momentum onto your side.

“I-I don’t, I’m sorry.” You let out a sarcastic laugh as he looked for the right words to say. You gathered that he thought you would eat his apology up, and you based on the look of surprise that crossed his features, you thought right. He wasn’t expecting you to deny him.

“Since the day I met you, you’ve treated me like absolute shit, like I wasn’t good enough to be able to be in your presence. And I don’t know why!” Your voice was louder now, just like you’d predicted it would be. “For months, I tried to be your friend. I comforted you after losses, I told Auston it was okay that you tag along with us every single time we were doing something together because I knew you were having a rough time, and I knew you needed someone to be there for you. I’m truly sorry that you’re life went to shit when your girlfriend broke up with you, but if you think a simple apology is enough for the way you made me feel about myself, than you’re made up of more bullshit than I thought you were. I shouldn’t have to try to be good enough for you and I sure as hell shouldn’t have to feel like I’m not good enough for you.”

The young leaf’s face contorted from shock, to anger. “That’s so rich coming from you. I’m trying to apologize and you’re throwing it back in my face like an ungrateful child.”

“Oh, you’re calling me a child?”

“I could call you a lot worse.” He spat, pushing the sleeves of his sweatshirt up.

“You’re such an asshole, you know that?” You craned your neck in annoyance, wanting this night to be over. Maybe if you closed your eyes, you’d wake up and this would all have been a bad dream......nope. “God, to think I ever liked you.”

You liked him? Mitch couldn’t find a way to process the possibility that maybe, all along, you had liked him back, but he couldn’t turn back now. You’d already outright dismissed his apology as some kind of joke, and he’d taken that as his opportunity to act like a douche bag, yet again. Internally, Mitch felt broken. Any chance he’d had a telling you he reciprocated your feelings had dissipated.

“You liked me?” Something in his voice had changed. His posture dipped lightly and his appearance became less arrogant. You thought for a moment he was scared, but maybe you were wrong, because almost as soon as a look of fear flashed in his eyes, it was gone.

You hadn’t meant to say anything and you hadn’t meant to give him any more ammuniton. Because that’s just what he needed, more of a reason to taunt you. “I did, but I’m starting to think I was very wrong.”

Brushing passed him harshly, you left Mitch standing alone on the balcony. He didn’t try to follow you, too in shock after your confession. Heading straight for the door, pushing though all the people that still remained at Freddie’s place, you ran into Auston.

“Hey. Are you alright?” He could see the tears running down your face as you tried to look away from him. Auston pulled open Freddie’s front door, grabbing his coat and car keys, and tugged you out with him. “What happened?”

“Nothing.”

Auston didn’t believe a word of what you were saying. “Come on. I’m at least taking you home. We’ll talk on the way.”

You didn’t say a word in the car. You were too upset to, but you did crack when you had gotten back to your apartment, sitting on your couch next to your best friend, him waiting for you to tell him what had happened.

“We got into another fight.” You finally spoke. “And it was worse than usual.”

“What?” Auston looked confused but realization dawned on him.

“Mitch.” You clarified even though you knew he’d figured it out. “I yelled at him, really really yelled at him. I’d never been so angry with him before and I just snapped. I didn’t mean to but I told him I’d liked him and he looked like I’d just run him over.”

“What happened next?” Auston asked cautiously, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“I left. Then I found you, and, here we are.” You gestured between the two of you sitting on your sofa. Tears began to form in your eyes again as you thought back to how you’d left that conversation with Mitch. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a terrible friend. I really tried to not come between the two of you and all I did was hurt you.”

“No. This is not your fault.” Auston soothed. “This is definitely not your fault. I’ve told Mitch that I choose you, and I’ll continue to choose you, because you’re my best friend.”

“Thank you Aus.” You murmed sleepily.

As you leaned your head on Auston’s shoulder, slowly falling asleep as he comforted you, Mitch was back at Freddie’s regretting his decisions from the night. He knew he should have continued with his apology, and tried to prove that he wanted to make amends with you as opposed to arguing with you over something you were right about. He had been an absolute ass, but he couldn’t help but losing his temper with you. He couldn’t control the feeling that came with being around you. After all, you were the ammunition that lit him like a moth to a flame. He’d just hoped he hadn’t hurt you to the point where you wouldn’t talk to him again, though it was clear to him it was what he deserved. Staring up at the night sky, Mitch knew what he wanted and what he neeed to do. He needed to give you the apology you truly deserved, and hopefully, the confession that would show you how much he truly cared. How much you are truly, his ammunition.

#nhl imagines #hockey imagines #nhl imagine #hockey fanfiction

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anon-luv · 6 years

Text

TOSKA -1- (ReaderXBTS)

Genre: Psyche/Mental Institution AU Romance & Angst

Pairing: ReaderXBTS(Taehyung, Jimin, Yoongi)

Summary: “Will you be able to recover and move on, or will your past continue to haunt you?”

Trigger Warning: This Fic will contain explicit language and scenes. It will address controversial topics. We understand psychological illnesses vary from case to case. All contents in the following story are based on fiction. This story will not be suitable for all ages, due to the sensitive topics it will contain. Hope ya’ll enjoy :)

Word Count: 4k+

Collaboration with @riki-leigh-c

Author’s Note:

@anon-luv Hey Guys, I am so excited/nervous to post this fic. I hope you enjoy it as much as we are while writing it. You know I love feedback, so let us know what you think. Feedback, Comments, Reblogs, Likes, and mentions greatly encourage us writers. We are going to leave the final pairing as undecided until we further develop the story. Minor Grammer Mistakes. HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!

@riki-leigh-c : This is my first time writing a fic. Please bare with me, any constructive criticism would be much appreciated. Hope you enjoy!

“Toska - noun /ˈtō-skə/ - Russian word roughly translated as sadness, melancholia, lugubriousness.

"No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases, it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level, it grades into ennui, boredom.

White.

In most cultures, it signifies purity, comfort, holiness, cleansing, a beacon of hope.

For you, white had quite a contradictory meaning. To you, white meant prison, endless appointments, a padded room, the pages of the daily journal you never wrote on, and the shirt stained with red that laid upon his chest as the bullet sealed both of your futures. The future that had ended for him, and the one that had gotten you locked into this place.

The monotonous routine and smell of antibacterial flooded your days, causing a sense of panic. If it wasn’t for your best friends’ every other day visits, you would’ve probably collapsed of boredom.

PTSD, that is what they said it was, the hallucinations, the ones that kept you up at night. Whatever it is, it was the only way you could see him, as if he was still here beside you. You didn’t want to close your eyes, in case he disappeared. Every morning you dreaded having to leave your room, for you had to pretend you didn’t see him standing nearby or smiling at you.

It was your imagination, you knew it…. but you couldn’t deny that just seeing him was what kept you going throughout the day. Even if reality had taken him away from you, the memory of him had fooled your brain into projecting him into your everyday life.

It was 12:15……. Hoseok was late….. He was 45 minutes and 30 seconds late. What if he had forgotten to change those overused tires that you had scolded him time and time again to get changed?

Was he okay? Did he get sick? You had seen the rain falling mercilessly from your window pane.

The tapping of your fingers increasing in speed as the door opened again, but your eyes landed on an unfamiliar figure once again. It had been 2 weeks. TWO long weeks in this institution and Hoseok had yet to be late. He was always early or right on time.

The sweat forming in the palm of your hands caused an uncomfortable, sticky sensation which triggered your anxiety slightly more. A loud deep laugh blasted throughout the room, causing you to jump slightly. The same young man that you had seen on several occasions was sitting in front of the same black haired girl. She was constantly talking while he just stared emotionless at the white wall in front of her. He never addressed her back, but she never gave up. His eyes suddenly flicked up to meet yours and another manic laugh exploded from his lips. His gaze moved back to the white wall and the laughter ceased almost as quickly as it began.

You glanced back up at the clock on the wall. Another 2 minutes and 17 seconds had passed. Where was he? Dark thoughts began to flutter through your mind. What if he’s had enough of you? Or what if something awful has happened to him? What if someone’s murdered him? Your breathing began to quicken, and your hands began to shake as vivid images of all the reasons why Hoseok was not there yet burned themselves into your brain, one by one. You could feel the all too familiar feeling of a full-blown panic attack start to creep its way into your chest. Breath, Y/N you thought to yourself, trying to remember the coping techniques they’d been teaching you in therapy. Gulping down air, you tried to get the attention of a warden. The sound of the door opening and closing drew your attention. Hoseok rushed in, red in the face and panting, doubled over trying to catch his breath. “Y/N” he yelled out across the room, causing more than a few heads to turn your way. He rushed over to you, already being able to see the effects of your panic attack. He put his hands on either side of your face and looked you dead in the eye. “Breath, Y/N. I’m here, I’m fine,” he whispered while using the clichè breathing technique of having you copy him. It worked though. Every time. After a few minutes, your breathing returned to normal and Hoseok patted your hair, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, before getting up abruptly. “Y/N, I’m going to have a chat to one of the staff okay? I’ll be right back. No longer than 5 minutes, you can count them, alright?” You simply nodded in response, still slightly out of it after your latest ‘episode.

There is a rush of adrenaline when people fall, it makes them feel like their insides bundle up, and make their way towards their throat forming a perfect knot just to come back down, just before they hit the ground. That’s how you felt at that exact moment as you saw Hoseok’s familiar messy mop of dark brown hair exit the room.

The numbness within your fingertips was now fading into slight prickles that you could feel crawling up your extremities. The heaviness in your chest that had felt like a piano had crushed it a few moments ago was being lifted, only leaving in its path a soreness that had begun to dissipate. Your pounding heart still beating loudly in your ears as your eyes traveled amongst the room to analyze the number of witnesses that had obtained a front row seat on your full-blown show. Much to your surprise, everyone was focused on their own task and you had gone under the radar. You assumed people were probably immune to the many spectacles that had taken place within these four walls.

There was only one set of brown eyes staring at you, and those eyes seemed to be more amused with the sudden predicament you had found yourself in, than worried. A small smirk lay upon his plush lips as he swept your body from top to bottom absorbing all your figure in as if you were a piece of fine art, on display in a museum. A shiver ran down your spine. He made you uneasy. His sporadic, maniacal laughter sounded again as he tilted his head back and closed his eyes. He seemed like the true definition of insane. Just as suddenly as it started, he stopped laughing and went back to staring at you. You felt your heartbeat start to quicken and your palms getting sweaty, the telltale signs of another panic attack. Hoseok made a reappearance right at the moment you had started to feel your chest constricting and your throat getting tight.

“It’s alright (y/n), I’m so sorry I got here late, I got a flat tire on the way over” he said as he sat down on the cold metal chair and scooted his way forward, closer to you. The faint smell of his cologne calmed you down automatically.

The speed of your finger tapping decreased as you examined him from head to toe assuring yourself that he was indeed okay.

“You had me worried, I told you several times to get that thing you call a car checked Hoseok” you said as you grasped his hand “I’m sorry for taking away your lunchtime, you are honestly the only reason I am not in solitary confinement right now, this place is bonkers”.

Hoseok gave you a wide smile as he looked around the area examining the patients surrounding you “Yeah… it does seem pretty crazy huh? It is only for a bit though, Y/N.” Hoseok smiled brightly at you, a smile you always thought looked as bright as the sun, before shifting his chair to sit next to you and gently pushing your head down to rest on his shoulder. “I don’t know about that Hobi,” you sighed deeply, closing your eyes while a montage of memories filtered through your brain at the use of his nickname. You breathed in his comforting scent, already knowing he would smell just like springtime. “I don’t feel like I’m getting better.”

The silence that followed your statement thickened the air that surrounded the both of you. Hoseok looked into your eyes hoping to see the familiar twinkle of hope you used to carry around before that horrible night.

“Well, you know ...Rome wasn’t built in one night. Just promise me you will try, participate in activities and let the counselors in. Please do it for me” he said pouting cutely your way. You lifted the corner of your mouth in a slight smile, but your heart wasn’t in it when you answered. “I will.”

The dorm you had been assigned lacked personality. Just like everything else, it was white from top to bottom, with a few accents of a washed out green and mustard yellow. Whoever participated in coordinating the color scheme might’ve been color blind. Despite the general distaste you had for your room’s superficial overall look, it was the only place you felt at ease in. The rock-hard bed was unusually homey, and the fact that there were no windows gave you a sense of safety for some reason. No one would be able to sneak in through your window while you slept. Just the thought of being able to see what the outside world contained while unsupervised up-close gave a chill up your spine.

The clock in your room showed 9pm, which meant there was a long night ahead and the dosage that had been prescribed for your sleeping medication was shit. You were tired, but your eyes refused to close. You knew the night that laid ahead of you was going to be long and emotionally tiring. You sat on the edge of the bed trying to practice the exercises you had gone over with your primary psychologist, praying for them to work. The silence within your room was all consuming until you heard deep screams. The words were incomprehensible, but the volume kept rising signifying the person was getting closer and closer to your room. You stood up quickly and slammed your door shut, before peeking out the window, your curiosity getting the best of you.

“Fuck you! Take me back. That fucking bastard, how dare he fucking touch my shit.” a bleach blond man about your age screamed as two male nurses dragged him, one by the arms and the other one by the waist, towards the door opposite yours. He swung his right arm straight at the nurse’s jaw, which the nurse was barely able to dodge. He was putting up a good fight, surprisingly, for his size made you think he would be much weaker. You hid behind your door a bit more, only your eyes visible now. The man screamed more obscenities as he was thrown into the room and onto the bed, and two more nurses entered the room. They held onto his arms wrapping what seemed like cloth on his ankles and wrists. One of them was holding a visible needle, you were assuming it was some kind of medication. The man was no longer screaming, and you could see how his muscles relaxed into the comfort of his bed, and his eyes drooped. A sigh of relief escaping your lips, as you noticed the nurses had finished attaching the remaining restraints on him. You closed your eyes tightly as you walked back to your bed and covered yourself completely with the blanket, the fear of what was right across the hall getting the best of you. The dorm across the hall hailed a dangerous threat in the shape of a blond-haired man, and even though his features looked peaceful and quite charming as he lay immobile upon his bed, his vile words just now meant you knew better. You felt the first of the night's many quivers in your stomach, letting you know that the horrible memories you tried to keep buried during the day we’re about to be released.

The shadow of the past, conjured now by your broken psyche, sat on your bed staring straight at you.

“It’s not real….it’s not real…..it’s not real” you kept whispering to yourself, but your eyes couldn’t stop staring at his face as he smiled….that smile you used to love “He is not here…...he is not here…..he is not here……”

Black circles flourished under your sunken eyes the following morning. It had been a sleepless night, just as you had predicted. The constant itch of checking up on your new dorm neighbor and the hallucination of who you thought would be your forever kept your eyes wandering around your room and sleep at bay. You weren’t due for a visit from Hoseok and only had a psychologist appoint late in the afternoon. You had absolutely no idea how you were going to keep yourself occupied in between. Maybe I’ll ask the nurses for a book or two, you thought to yourself as you changed into your uniform white shirt and pants, with matching slippers. You had just opened the door to step out when you noticed a number of nurses leaving the room across from yours. His room. After the sedative had worn off, the blonde man had screamed obscenities for hours, only worsening your hallucinations. He demanded over and over for the restraints to be removed to no avail. Eventually, he just wailed, long, harrowing cries that frightened you even further. As the last of the nurses exited the room, you caught a quick glance of the blonde man sitting upright on the edge of his bed, looking down and rubbing his wrists, before the nurse shut the door and began to leave.

“Excuse me,” you called after him, shrinking back slightly as he turned to face you. You averted your gaze and asked softly “is there any possibility of getting a few books to read?”

He smiled slightly before nodding, “sure, I’ll scrounge some up and leave them by your door.”

“Thanks,” you replied before indicating for him to leave. There was no way you were walking with your back to him, despite how nice he came across. You waited, back flat against your door, for a few minutes, wanting to give yourself a safe distance from the nurse. Just as you were about head towards the common area, the door across from you flung open, revealing the blonde man. His eyes were narrowed into slits and his rosy lips were positioned in an unfriendly frown. The fear that had gathered within you from the initial shock of his presence was slightly forgotten as your curious eyes traveled along his pale sugary white face. There were noticeable red marks on his wrists that made you unconsciously rub your own.

“Good Morning” you heard a deep voice say, catching you off guard. Your fly or fight system wanted to run away as soon as the words spilled out of his mouth, but your body was betraying you by staying frozen in place. He waited patiently for a response, but after examining your panicked expression he shrugged it off, and took a step forward closer to you “Yoongi’ he said extending his hand towards you.

You looked at his hand as if it was fire ready to burn you into ashes, but for some reason, your hand found his. Your voice though was not cooperating and all you could do was stare at his figure confused at the contrasting personality that radiated from him this morning compared to that displayed last night.

“Y/N?” he asked you as he read the name plaque outside your room. You nodded as you cautiously took a step back away from him. You felt exposed, and you wanted to escape the feeling of nausea that had started stirring in your gut. The white walls around you closing in as the image in front of you started blurring around the edges. The lack of sleep starting to take a toll on you. Your breathing had become visibly more agitated, but before your knees could give out, you felt another presence standing before you. The distorted image of an unfamiliar silver-haired boy came to view as he hummed a tune and encircled your body with his own as if to block you from any unwanted feelings that had lined up to once again drag you to the deepest pits of emotional hell.

“Calm down and try to match your breathing with mine” he whispered softly with a higher pitched voice than that of the blond boy who was still standing nearby, he seemed a bit uncomfortable as he took in the scene unfolding before him.

Your hands were gripping onto the boy’s shirt as if he was the anchor to your sanity. Before you knew it, the heaviness that had settled on your chest had once again faded into nothingness. You quickly stood up and pushed yourself away from the stranger embarrassed at your previous actions.

“Jimin” the silver-haired boy said quickly without any explanation before you could respond Yoongi welcomed himself to introduce you as well as himself.

“I am Yoongi and this is (Y/N), what you just did bro...thank you” Yoongi said awkwardly.

Jimin just nodded to the both of you quickly and then took off as if he was in a hurry. You looked at Yoongi once again, but before he had a chance to speak, you had already started walking off to head towards the common area, taking turns between facing forward and sneaking glances back at him to make sure he wasn’t pulling a stunt behind your back. As you made your way to the end of the hall you noticed his figure had disappeared back into his dorm. The shadow of what had happened still engraved in your mind as you walked into the common area, you just knew this won’t be the only interaction you had with your neighbor and the fear of what will come will more than likely be present throughout the entire day.

“How is your sleep Ms. Y/N” the doctor asked in a fairly monotone voice. The lack of emotion in his voice aggravating you. His presence was that of a rock, and in all honesty, consulting with a wall would probably have the same effect as this.

“To be honest like shit” you replied trying to be as monotone as he was.

“Anything we can do to aid your sleeping habits?” He said as he scribbled down what seemed more like a doodle than a note on his notepad.

“Memory Foam? Or one of those water beds. I have always wanted to try one of those.” you replied with fake enthusiasm.

The doctor took that as a queue to stare up at your figure with a serious face “Ms. Y/N, we can’t proceed with treatment without your help. It takes two to tango, so your cooperation is essential for you to improve. Now, I have registered you for some group sessions that I think will be of benefit to your case, and one of those is for patients with insomnia. That one is every night for 45 minutes, you will be learning techniques to clear your mind and be able to get some shut-eye. Also, please start writing in your journal, we find it helps patients significantly.”

You nodded no longer interested in his rant as you grabbed the paper he had placed on the table in front of you. There was a list of 3 different counseling sessions that you were expected to assist other than your 1 on 1 session. You sighed annoyed at your now crowded schedule.

The green yard in the facility premises was crowded with bodies, some familiar, and some not, ranging from various ages and genders. When you had first arrived, you had felt out of place, but as the days went on you realized you fit in strangely amongst the people that had been locked in here. You had yet to make an acquaintance, but you had already heard a few of the stories, and in all honesty, some made your past look like a fairy tale. There were a few psychos within the bunch, and the rumors that surrounded some of the people were frightening, that is why you had isolated yourself for the duration of your stay. Hoseok had been, for the most part, the only reason you had the courage to step outside of your room. You surveyed the area, making sure not to lock eyes with anyone, nurses, and patients alike. You walked slowly towards an empty seat across the yard, body tense and eyes zipping around your skull, trying to keep an eye on everything all at once. You were monitoring the people on your left when you felt a presence to your right. You stopped dead in your tracks before whipping around, bringing your hands up to your face to defend yourself against whoever had dared to get too close. The first thing you heard was manic laughter, before noticing a semi-familiar pair of brown eyes, creased at the corners, staring back at you. You just about jumped out of your skin in an effort to put some space between the laughter and yourself. You could feel your chest constricting and your breathing getting shallow. Please, not here. Not in front of all these people, you thought to yourself. You already knew it wouldn’t help. Just as quickly as the laughter started, it was over and the patient behind the laughter was sticking his hand out to introduce himself. Before he had a chance to say anything, Jimin came running over, shoving the laugher out of the way. “Taehyungie, what did I say?” He all but shouted at the guy.

The flourish of activity going on in front of you was causing your panic attack to worsen. Your hands felt like they were dripping with sweat and your throat had begun to feel like it was closing. “Y/N, it’s okay just breath with me again, shhhh,” Jimin said as he grabbed a hold of both of your hands and looked you dead in the eye.

He worked through the same breathing technique that he had done earlier, and you soon began to feel calm.

“Thank you,” you said softly, quickly letting go of his hands and dropping your gaze to the lush green grass you all stood on.

“It’s okay, Y/N, I’m sorry about Taehyung,” he said as he looked down at him, still laying on the grass. He leaned down and offered a hand to Taehyung, pulling him quickly to his feet.

“Taehyung, introduce yourself the way we talked about please,” Jimin looked expectantly at Taehyung, who inclined his head bashfully.

“Hello Y/N,” Taehyung said, dropping his voice significantly in what you can only assume was an effort to keep you calm. “My name is Taehyung.”

“Hello,” you replied, bowing slightly but still not lifting your gaze to meet his eyes. Manic laughter suddenly exploded from Taehyung’s lips, causing you to let out a scream of both shock and fear. You clamped your mouth, placing a hand over your rapidly beating heart and took off running towards the spare seat you had originally been trying to get to.

You took a cautious glance towards where Jimin and Taehyung were still standing, clearly not expecting your escapade. Jimin raised his hand to smack Taehyung in a playful manner behind his head. Taehyung in exchange just hung his head looking a bit disappointed in himself. You averted your eyes before they caught you looking at them, hoping it would give them a clear sign that you were not fond of strange company.

You rubbed your hands against your knees nervously as you inspected your surroundings, hoping that the loud rapid beating in your ears would eventually quiet into nothingness. You took a deep breath as your eyes landed on a red rose bush. Memories of late nights hiding in your neighbor’s yards as you laid upon his chest caused your eyes to tear up. You looked at the figure that sat beside you, a perfect figment of what had been, staring right back at you.

“Jin” you whispered softly as your eyes devoured his familiar features. A pang of pain surging from the last memories you had beside him. His plump lips smiling at you like they had many times before, the temptation of leaning in to feel their warmth taking over, but before the contact was made a voice interrupted you.

“Um…..are you okay?” said a deep familiar voice, snapping you out of the enchantment of your imagination.

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alhexedander-blog · 7 years

Text

X BASICS X

Tell me your name:

Alexander. For acting (and porn according to Dines) it is ‘Björn Blue’.

What is your age?

21.

What is your sexual orientation?

Bisexual.

What is your height?

6ft.

What is your eye colour?

Green.

Do you have tattoos?

Two forearm tattoos. They are an ode to my Scandinavian-Swedish heritage. Both are ancient runes.

Do you have any piercings?

Nope.

Do you drink?

Nope.

Do you smoke?

On occasion.

Do you take drugs?

Regularly.

Are you on any medication?

Yeah. One is for depression because I have BD. It basically keeps my serotonin (sad brain chemical) and dopamine (joy brain chemical) steady. The other is a testosterone (anger brain chemical) diffuser. The reason the people with BD are so irritable and easily made moody is because the testosterone is naturally very high for them. So, a good way to manage BD while in therapy is to take the diffuser.

X PERSONAL X

Best friend(s):

Katie, Kirsten, Sarah, Jay, Vasquez and Emin.

Biggest turn offs:

Body odour and very deep sex moans from her.

Biggest turn ons:

Kiss my neck, give me slow head and laugh at my jokes and I’ll reciprocate.

What I love about myself:

I am good at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I am educated properly on physical and mental health and I love art.

What do I need to improve on:

My acting. The last project i acted on it became very clear to me that I’ve fallen very heavily out of touch with acting and that made me very sad. Albeit, it wasn’t my script. Still, I’ve never been 100% confident in my acting, even though I say “I’m an actor” all the time I have never actually assumed I am any good. I just have a ‘fake it til you make it’ philosophy. My only hope is that my next project showcases at least a little bit of my real abilities.

Your hobbies:

Submission Grappling, yoga and art.

I know the basics of many things and when I share those things it usually sounds a bit vain which I’m always worried about. But, I have honestly just been very fortunate. My dad had a job which gave me the opportunity to travel and try lots of new things.

Share 2 habits:

1) I have a notorious leg as it’s always bouncing and shaking (ADHD).

2) I exercise every day.

X SEX X

Kitchen counter, couch, or on top of the dryer?

I’d have to say couch for comfort. Still, it is fun to mix things up and get wild every now and then. Nothing wrong with the other two options given.

Your last sexual encounter: Good or bad, and why?

Good. Idk, it was just very passionate. She was wearing lingerie, first off, that always lands major brownie points. She sucked my dick slow and just felt my rhythm and I felt hers on my turn - she O’d which always makes me happy because for sex to be enjoyable for me it is really important my partner gets off or at the very least really enjoys the experience. Then it all just got kind of blurry and steamy. It ended nicely; lots of kissing too.

Something that never fails to make your horny?

Honestly? I’m such an ass man it’s not even funny. I seem to go either for blondes with blue eyes or brunettes with brown eyes. My prior girlfriend, someone my friends all refer to as ‘Dancer Girl’ was probably the best example of my type. She was shorter than me, brunette hair (she loved to wear it in boxer braids and for some reason I’m really attracted to that), hazel eyes, and a very nice bum.

Where is one place you would never have sex?

A dirty restroom. Not down for that.

The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when:

One of them was when I was in a rooftop jacuzzi. Everything was super romantic but what porn doesn’t teach you is that it’s actually pretty impossible and they keep the porn-stars genitals dry. Why? Because with the salt water the vagina tightens to the point it becomes hard to penetrate. It was like fitting a cucumber in a coin purse as it was. Didn’t need the extra obstacle.

Is it ever okay to not use a condom?

Well, I mean; yes because babies. Even if not as long as you have both been tested I don’t see much reason not to. Condoms take away a lot of the sense. Like, it would probably be okay but I have a lot of stamina in bed. I can go easily 30 mins to 1 hour.

A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

I personally don’t believe food and sex should mix. I feel that they are two far too different pleasure sources to combine. Also, I’m trying my hand at being a vegan and tbh somehow I don’t think my partner will be turned on if I covered their nipples in hummus.

Three spots that drive you insane:

Bum, boobs and neck (on her).

V-lines, biceps and neck (for attention on me).

Do you like it when yours sexual partner moans?

Yup. Love it.

Have you ever had sex in public?

Yeah. Quite a few times tbh. Public park, swimming pool, beach, mountains, hotel lobby (it was closed), sauna, steam room, a hotel gym, on a balcony, in a cinema and shopping centre (changing room).

Have you/would you ever had a threesome?

I have and it was unbelievably fun. These two Czech Slovakian photography students (looked like models) had come as a favour to someone in my competition to photograph the event. Anyways, after we won we got to talking and drinking together. I decided my luck at being flirty with both of them and neither of them backed down. Got fun real fast after that.

What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

Boxer braids. I have a feeling it’s because I had a crush on Lara Croft ever since I saw Angelina Jolie play her and she wore boxer braids.

How do you feel about tattoos on someone you’re interested in?

Tbh I love it. I believe that humans are descendent from apes. However, I also side with the studies that say we share more in common with monkeys despite our genetic link to apes. Whenever I see heavily inked people I just get this very odd wave of affection because I relate it to spirituality (as many fellow Buddhist monks are tattooed for spiritual reasons). Spirituality is an art of mindfulness. In my opinion monkeys are very precious, mindful creatures that feel so deeply that they can actually die if they are socially rejected. It isn’t a sexual thing but it just reminds me of the beauty of evolution and Buddhism.

X YOUR FAVOURITE X

Place:

Istanbul, Turkey or Stockholm, Sweden because home.

Person:

Today it’s Sarah. She’s honestly just such a ray of sunshine. Every day she comes into class with a different dramatic tale of what happened to her that morning and honestly it brightens my day and makes me laugh pretty good.

Also tbh she isn’t fake which I like. If you have a problem with her you know that you got a fucking problem with her. In my opinion that’s a good thing because it just means a resolution can be reached faster.

Also, she balls her eyes out at sad movies which is pretty funny.

Colour:

Red or blue.

Food:

Banana.

Smell:

Salty air. It always brings back memories to when I stayed on my friends’ private boat in Turkey for 2 weeks. It was one of the best times of my life.

Book:

The Way of The Fight.

Movie:

Deadpool/Fight Club/Kill Bill.

Music Artist:

Don’t do this to me. There’s too many.

Genre of Music:

Rap/Rock/Pop.

Genre of Literature:

Non-fiction.

Texture:

Silk.

Thing to do when bored:

Train. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, running, lifting; all good time killers.

TV Show:

Death Note/Family Guy/TFPOBA.

Video Game:

Ultimate Ninja Storm.

Thing to Learn:

History.

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