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carmenlire · 5 years

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When did you come to the realisation that you were bi? I know you aren't a lgbt kind of account but I think I am a lot like you and I don't really follow any other bi tumblr people (that I know of)

Hello dear!! First of all, I am always here to talk about gay shit! I might not be an explicitly lgbt account but I have to admit that I yell about being gay on here with probably annoying frequency lol.

Secondly, I am actually a lesbian! And just to throw it out there, I’m ace too:)

(If any bi people who are willing to talk about this kind of stuff like this?? that could be nice so that anon has others for reference, too?)

Okay, so. I’m going to explain my own journey a bit– so sorry if this gets a little rambling or long– but I am lowkey a master of denial so it stretches back a few years lol.

I had a lot of gay friends in high school and felt more comfortable with them than my straight friends sometimes. Which looking back was weird as hell, since I was straight lol. They would talk about their partners and I would just be “ugh. i wish i could have that.” I thought I was talking about a relationship in general but years later I think I wanted what they had in particular. There’s other stuff with high school that is pretty obvious looking back on it but that I just attributed to other things/denied at the time. I can always expand on that if you want me to lmao.

The first real instance I have of being slapped in the face with being not straight was halloween 2015. I went out with friends to the bars and got blackout drunk. I was generally a mess that night but towards the end of things when the bar was about to close, I had the crystal clear thought, “oh my fuck, I wanna kiss a girl so bad.” like that’s all I wanted. I woke up the next morning and made myself forget it– even if I sent a message to my gc at the time (all tumblr people) like “omg??? what does this mean???”

bitch what do you think it means dkjfghlsdjfglf. But, I was drunk and just blamed it on that. I didn’t really think about it much. I was still straight and couldn’t even imagine kissing a girl, let alone doing anything else or having any sort of romantic feelings for one. That went on for over a year.

In february 2017, I watched– yeah I know how cliche it is– the music video for Sleepover by Hayley Kiyoko when it dropped. It was all over my dash and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I. Loved. It. I think my mouth was lowkey open the entire time lol. I fell in love with the song and really appreciated the aesthetic of the video. Deadass, that was my thought. I just thought it was really well done lol. From there, I sort of fell in love with her music. I listened to her on repeat last spring and when I hear one of her pre-expectations songs, I am still transported to that time in my life. I prided myself on being a good ally– look at me, I am So Straight but I can appreciate a lesbian/gay artist singing about her own experiences. Ah, brianna, you dumb fuck.

Then, in May I went to Pittsburgh with some friends to celebrate one of their bdays. We got trashed (I got absolutely fucked up lol– absinthe goes hard af lmao) and as we were heading back to the car at the end of the night, I was talking with a friend and point blank said, “yeah, when I’m drinking I’m probably 60% straight.” Even drunk, I lowballed how gay I was. In the back of my mind, I had the niggling thought that I was bi but I wouldn’t let myself slow down enough to think about it.

Soon enough, it was lowkey all I could think about. As you can probably see, I established a pattern of being straight when sober but when I was drunk, I was pervaded by nonstraight thoughts lol. By December, I was drinking more than I ever had before. Part of it was to stop thinking about it– because I really am not joking when I say it was all I could think about. I made lists at work for reasons I was bi/straight– because there was no way i could by anything more than bi. I had to like guys. I looked up those fucking “am i gay” quizzes. I was searching through my past looking for hints– and lowkey changing things or ignoring things that didn’t fit the straight outcome I wanted.

I went to the UK last fall when I was in a tizzy about my sexuality and was highkey obsessed with finding out what the hell I was and denying it at the same time and I spent a few days in manchester with a friend I met on here, actually. We shared a bed for a few nights and while I was insisting to myself that I was straight, that there was no possible way I wasn’t 100% into guys, I felt literally breathless sleeping next to her. Like, I felt more alive when she threw an arm over me in her sleep than I had whenever a guy had, like, asked me out or talked to me lol. It was something that I obvi still remember and I remember thinking that there was no straight explanation for my really unexpected, intense reaction– just being close to a girl made my heart flutter. I lowkey wanted/wished something to happen even if at the same time my mind was repelling the very idea.

I ended up going out in december with my cousins who are just as small minded as the rest of my family and I got blackout drunk (lmao a theme). They were making fun of the waitress because she was super attentive to me and kinda ignored them, saying stuff like “omg she’s totally into you bri” well joke was on them because by the end of the night I was very drunk and very gay and ended up highkey flirting with her and then I kissed two waitresses (after talking to them and getting consent lmao) and I woke up the next morning and literally hated myself– I hated that my cousins had seen, I hated that I had acted like that in general. I spent the whole day sick. And then for new years my cousins told another cousin and my goddamn sister about it “haha we thought the waitress was after bri but after how things ended we said maybe bri wanted the waitress” and steph (my sister) whipped her head to me with a disgusted and disbelieving expression and I just said “haha I wanted to make a friend” and I just wanted to die in that moment. And I could see the other cousin looking at me, like, questioningly.

So that started the new year and I just had these swirling doubts and I kid you not– like it was all I could think about. I said I was bi first because at least then I could still end up with a guy?? like there was still a chance I could be “normal” and came out to my best friend on the weekend of valentine’s day and got drunk and cried about girls and I woke up the morning after and just felt so peaceful. Like it was the first time I didn’t hate myself after a night out in like two years lmao. A lot of what pushed me to finally acknowledging it was that I was so tired– if I had to fight that hard to tell myself I was straight then maybe,,, I wasn’t. That, and I found a list on here about compt het/internalized homophobia which really opened my eyes. I can tick off a lot of things on that list.

and then I started thinking about it again this summer and came to the conclusion that I am a lesbian. It was difficult– because that would mean I was necessarily giving up “ending up normal.” There is no way I can hide that side of me if I fall in love, you know? But that’s the truth for me, for now at least lol. I really like women and I just don’t see the personal appeal of men. I can certainly appreciate them, but I don’t want anything to do with them lol.

So, I know I wrote a lot but me realizing that I wasn’t straight was Quite A Process lol. There was no real single thing/time that made my realize I was gay-- it was a lot of little things that added up.

There are dozens of other examples/things that I can point to now looking back that point to me being gay– I changed my tinder preferences “to make friends”; it’s just a universal truth that women are more attractive than men– but that I didn’t see/ignored at the time. I hope that something I said can help you figure things out for yourself. Everyone’s journey is their own, of course, but hopefully you see something in my rambling that helps. Thanks so much for sending this ask!! I really appreciate you coming to me– and to anyone, because that is a huge first step and I’m proud of you for that!

I have a tag on here, #interesting, that all of my gay shit is under. Under that tag are two posts that really helped me at the time: compulsive heterosexuality and internalized homophobia.

Feel free to ask me anything else or someone else if anyone likes this post lol! Tumblr, for all its faults lmao, actually has some really good posts about this kind of stuff if you’re looking for more signs/information

#thanks so much for this ask!#like i said #i hope it helps!#and feel free to ask anything else #i totally get how confusing and frustrating it can be #so im always here to vent to or ramble on about or anything!#anon #asked #answered #interesting

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