#( pmdd got me in its grasp )

[pohlepen]

the cashier watching me load 160lbs pounds of cat litter into my cart: do you need help out with that?

me, fighting for my life not to tell him that if i can load the cat litter into my cart and push it, im pretty sure i can unload it too: no thank you sir have a blessed and great day and holiday ♥️

#“ ⍀ ooc. « i called about the mountain bike and the locked ipad. #( pmdd got me in its grasp ) #( i can't wait to have to isolate so i don't become my cuntiest self for the next 13 days ) #( i have lots of continuing education to do for my licensure thank fuck so ill be quiet but ) #( GOD Alexa okay crazy girls by that one singer ) #( sending yall good vibes and i will see you on the other side )

[tomatoluvr69]

useless complaint post literally you don’t have to bother reading this it will just help me to rant a bit

This is sooooo not a real issue I’m just in the throes of pmdd but like I have a bunch of semi-expected (but way earlier than I’d thought) unemployed time so I’m using its alignment with the warm weather to go backpacking/live out of my car in [nearby national park and national forests] but right now I feel zero enthusiasm and I really hope it’s not gonna suck bc my heart’s not in it…like if I’m kind of doing it out of obligation bc it’s unusual to have such an extended span of time off when you’re an adult, then am I going to have the drive to get thru the parts that suck, like the exhaustion of steep trail days, the days when it storms so hard you have zero dry gear, etc. but really the part that I’m the most trepidatious about is the loneliness. But it’s so weird bc I’m struggling socially here and I really think some extended alone time would help?? But it’s always hard and I don’t want to lololol. Honestly what would help this the most is to just wait until after my fucking period. But as it is right now I feel like I’m just going thru the motions. If I could fucking live in my house for the equivalent amount of time without my social life encroaching I absolutely would but I’m so burnt out from my close friends leaving and from my last dear relationship here being at times really tough (it’s one that feels like my well-being rides on it— when it’s good, I’m on top of the world, when it’s not I’m hurt and confused and crawling out of my own skin). I still have a community here but it feels like it’s my roommates’ world, and I’m a guest whose presence is like…anodyne at best? And I really think I’ve just latched onto the idea of my trip as a vague mental escape hatch and haven’t really grasped the idea of the fact that I’ll still be present in my ailing brain and treacherous body when I go on the trip— I’m not just taking a nap from my (admittedly spoiled little baby) problems. And when I did the same thing for 3 or 4 weeks last summer I was dropped off & picked up, which created a really nice incentive to stay on trail— to leave, I’d have had to somehow communicate & coordinate with the relatives who’d agreed on a set date to come pick me up, i.e. effectively trapping me in the woods so I’d stay when I got all grumpy or sad or began semi-hallucinating human voices or was ready to throw it all away to get my hands on a slice of pepperoni pizza and a big old kombucha lol.

Anyways this is such not a real problem but me ol’ paranoid ass is convinced a whole passel of my irls have this blog’s url so I can’t freely complain about what’s really bothering me, which is that I’m starting to see harbingers of the devastating dissolution of my closest relationship. Or, even worse, my relegation to a much more distant connection. And I’m trying desperately to convince myself I should stay in this fucking town, because I’m suuuuuuuuper prone to just fleeing when I start to feel [inaudible], which is a super unsustainable way to live my life and o know it’s not [city] I’m trying to flee but myself which scientists are telling me I can’t physically do…but is that the truth?? Or is the truth that I actually do need a clean break from [redacted]…or is that just a convenient lie I’m telling myself so I can flee again. Or is THAT a convenient lie I’m telling myself so that I can keep my head in the sand and keep [redacted]. It’s so cool how you can’t trust your own heart and mind and you might just suffer from uncertainty forever and you’ll die chasing happiness with the grass always greener but also like pmdd and I don’t really want to go on this trip but I think I must. I think…

#like. even this trip itself is evidence that my nature is just a fucking flee-er. #and I think I’d settle for love but like that would require someone to love me. lol #and I’ve got some semblance of it here but it’s not enough and it’s very fucking painful. like what happens if the strongest ties you may #ever render are just enough. bc you’re not enough. lol #also I think I have to leave when I said I’d leave bc my internal shameometer prevents me from telling my male roommate I’m staying #solely to use the toilet during um well you know. #and also the more I come to terms with the fact that I’m almost definitely autistic the more I really can see how much masking fucking #drains me. #and the friends who left were the ones around whom I didn’t really feel the need to mask. but these social things the past few weeks have #fucking walloped me and I’m just :-( ;-( :-( #oops did not mean to make him wink. #and it just feels like the rest of my life is going to be a cycle of masking for long enough that someone likes me. and then being #abandoned by them for romantic relationships or some geographical distance reason or like ummm fucking liability by lorde reasons #ugsjkskwnenwjsmz :-( :-/

[onndansonnra]

The up and down was severe today. After days of a really really bad depressive episode I woke up and did not want to disappear. I put on my headphones and listened to a 2,5h playlist of early 2000s arabic songs without even noticing the time passing, I was having so much fun! Just dancing and singing in every room, putting the laundry away, toasting bread. It was beautiful how energetic I can feel when the heavy shadow of depression and anxiety leaves me for a minute. I used the opportunity to do some more research on pmdd and I’m so sure I have it. Went through messages, my gallery and every other way I’ve been documenting the last few menstrual cycles and it’s like clockwork, the two weeks before my period starts are always so hard I never know if I’ll make it through. And then it’s the third day of my period, like today, and I just cannot grasp how all of this is the same person, is me? I cooked a delicious meal to celebrate the end of the week with U cause he’s been working the morning shift and I feel so bad for him he needs so much rest. The way I was focused while cooking, absorbed in all the stages of making this aubergine stew, I haven’t felt that sort of concentration in at least a month. The symptoms I’m reflecting on now… but then the day kind of turned. It started raining and I was actually looking forward to the rain but it just kept getting darker and darker until the tv light of U watching some scary netflix show was the only thing lighting up the room and I felt so much dread and anxiety for winter. It seemed like I traveled back in time to last September/October when everything went wrong with my ex bestfriend and the winter days in this flat were unending and hopeless. I couldn’t help feel dramatic and dumb to have this strong of an emotional reaction to a rainy dark day but my body was screaming. Now its 2:30am, I just got out the shower and feel like my head is about to explode from all the unnecessary information I filled it with in order to dissociate from the emotions of the evening. But I promised to take care of myself and not punish me for being unpredictable and working in ways that wear me out. I don’t mean to I really don’t

#p