#(& i love these pics) (kindof. do think we could do better but as things go i’ll take it)

[pies-writes-and-more]

PIES’ FIC RECOMMENDATIONS FOR MAY 2020

So I’ve never done one of these fic recommendations lists before but I really want to share some of the amazing work that I’ve read this past month! I’ve definitely read a whole ton more but I was dumb and didn’t think to like draft this list and then just keep adding to it... so I’m just attempting to go through my tags LOL please be patient with my dumbass. 

NOTE: Since I only started doing this recently, a lot of my recommendations are gonna come from a lot of my mutuals but I’m always open to hearing more about other fics!!! If you’ve got an incredible fic that you are super proud of or if you think that I should read something you’ve read, PLEASE SEND IT TO ME! I’m really big on StevexFem!Reader, BuckyxFem!Reader, WandaxFem!Reader, CarolxFem!Reader, and Stucky fics!!!

If you do end up reading these fics, please tag me if you reblog them or comment on them!! I’d love to see your guys’ reactions :) 

ANYWAYS THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE HAVE CRUSHED MY HEART WITH AMAZING FICS, RUINED MY IDEALS OF WHAT LOVE IS, AND/OR BROKEN MY HEART WITH ANGST ONLY TO REVIVE IT WITH SOME FLUFF. I love you all so very much.

PS. if these links dont work for some reason, please let me know so I can update this list because I was very distracted halfway through making this so it might not be perfect!

1.Walpurgis Night by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “In which Steven volunteers to find a long-lost princess of Starkerbürg. (Fairy Tale AU)” I have no clue why this fic is not given more goddamn attention because holy shit yall, I have never been so grasped by a fic before. If you love medieval/fairy tale type things, you will love this fic. And if you don’t, you’re gonna love it anyways because @anika-ann​ writes SO. FUCKING. WELL. 100% fluff and love.

2. Abs Aren’t Always the Answer by @its-not-captain-america​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “Steve asks Y/N what girls are interested in, trying to impress her. Several shirtless pics later it’s not working.” Y’all want hilarious shit??? What about Steve Rogers always trying to take his fucking shirt off because he has the DNA (and the body) of a stripper? JK that’s not the actual reason but this fic is so funny, I died reading the first 700 times (and the 701st time too... and every time after that). 100% hilarious.

3. Challenge Accepted...? by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader ”Steve’s never been good at quick decision-making when it came to his own safety. After one particularly horrible experience, you find a way to remind him every day to think twice the next time he’s faced with a tough choice. He is not amused.” Steven Grant Rogers you stupid dumb hoe lol. That’s all I’mma say about this fic because it speaks for itself when you read it haha. Banter is iconic in this fic. 100% hilarious.

4. A Matter of Trust by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “You and Steve get to go to a mission together after a while; free drinks, partying, dressing-up nicely, stealing blueprints, the usual. You might even enjoy this as a couple.“ This time it’s Y/N that’s kindof a stupid dumb hoe but like that’s okay because when Y/N is a stupid dumb hoe, it’s not as stupid or dumb as when Steve does it. There’s a bit of a carry on between Challenge Accepted...? and this fic! So I would suggest reading that one first and then this :) 100% hilarious.

5. For a Smile by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “You see him run past every morning. So you smile, because he looks like a nice person. How could he not be when he smiles back and the world stops for a while to pay respect to such beauty?” So you know how Disney movies totally screwed over some of our perspectives of how guys were gonna come and sweep us off our feet? Yeah. This fic did it too. I’m still waiting for my fairytale fucking moment like this fic but if it never happens, I’ll settle for just reading this over and over again LOL. 100% F L U F F and LOVE.

6. Grease and Pearls by @anika-ann​​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “All you know is uptown; fancy clothes, expensive cars, jewellery outshining one’s personality and exhausting dinners with family acquaintances and business partners. Your life is all planned out; one day, you’ll marry Howard Stark’s son and you’ll be the golden couple adored by press.” This 3-part series slayed me. Like honestly, I’ve never been so torn apart before. Y’all lucky that if you read it, you get to read all 3 parts right away whereas I had to sit and wait for my heart to be torn apart and then stomped on. (Jk anika i love you you know that). Super amazing thing I love about this fic: it’s got links to the dresses that Y/N wears (super cute btw) AND it’s got two different endings so you can decide!!! 100% ANGST and 100% FLUFF? At the same time??? Because of the two endings?!?!?!? NOTE: part 2 got some steamy smut in there so 18+ readers only. I had to take a cold shower after reading it like goddamn.

7. Be Alright by @kayteewritessteve​ ​| Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “Steve goes through a bad breakup, but a sweet voice and a friendly smile helps him realize he can begin again, and that he definitely should.” God this fic. I can’t with this fic. It’s based on the Dean Lewis song Be Alright, which is already one of my favourites, but this fic, ugh, Kaytee knows how to hurt you that’s for sure. It’s so pure and so wonderful. 100% SAD but like it gets better promise.

8. Cold Feet by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader

“After two months of dating, you’ve come to a conclusion as exciting as well as a bit irritating: Steve Rogers is a perfect man. He simply has no flaw.Or does he?” Mother. Fucking. Adorable. I dunno if there’s anything else to say except that anika really knows how to make me wish I was Y/N adsoifhosd. 100% F L U F F

9. Hot Chocolate by @vodkaxtonic​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “Steve gets sick and Y/N takes care of him, which involves a lot of Steve’s whining, hot chocolate and cuddles.“ Steve Rogers is a little shit who won’t just accept that he’s sick and needs to be taken care of BUT IT’S SO CUTE AND THIS FIC IS THE BEST!!!! 100% FLUFF!!

10. Home by @evanstush​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “It’s been 2 years since the last battle and it’s now Morgan’s 7th birthday, and well, Tony being Tony, he prepared a small party for her little girl, inviting everyone from the team, including you.” Hnnnggg this fic. Okay so. I love @evanstush​ with all my fucking heart because she’s always been so supportive of me and my fics. That being said I WAS NOT EXPECTING HER KIND ASS TO HURT MY HEART LIKE THIS. But again, it’s okay because it’s got fluff guys. 50% ANGST and 50% FLUFF. Well like it’s 100% both but like I have to split it haha.

11. Cocktails by @writeyourmindaway​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “ ~i really don’t know what to write i’m sorry~ DRINKS!” That’s okay, darling, I’ll write the summary you. HILARITY. WONDERFULNESS. THE WORD BLOWJOB WRITTEN SO MANY TIMES AND IT’S FUCKING GOLD. This is so funny i love it haha. This fic killed me. I should’ve seen it coming (hehe) but i didn’t lol. 100% HILARIOUS.

12. Unadulterated by @writeyourmindaway​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader No summary for this one but again, I shall do the honours haha. It’s part 2 of ‘Cocktails’ and this one is just as adorable and hilarious as the first part! Steve is a cheeky little soft boi and the flirting just makes me feel all sorts of ways <3 100% ADORABLE.

13. Water Wars by @writeyourmindaway | Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader “The team finds a new way to unwind” I love fics where you just see the team get to be normal people!!! Plus haven’t we all thought about how the Avengers would are in a water fight? Is that just me? Don’t have to fantasize about it now because @writeyourmindaway wrote it for you :D 100% FLUFF.

14. Slow Like Honey by @heli0s-writes | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “The gossip that buzzes around in the teacher’s lounge is that sweet, sensitive, divorcé Steve Rogers is hot-for-teacher. His daughter’s first-grade teacher, to be exact.” I binged this whole fucking series. 8 parts of PURE. EVERYTHING. I have never so badly wanted a happy ending in my fucking life. This is an amazing series with so much love put into it, you can tell. I really can’t explain this fic because you really need to just go read it to know how amazing it is. NOTE: Part 4, 5, and 8 have some serious love smut in there so 18+ readers only please. UGH. I love this fic so much. I will continue to keep daydreaming about it and thinking about it all the time. God I love me some Dad!Steve. 50% FLUFF and 50% ANGST (which seriously tore my heart out like I cried).

15. You Make My World Spin by @anika-ann | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “After the Battle of New York and all the mess Tony gets involved in later, Pepper believes he is in a need of an assistant slash tech genius. Enter you. While Tony is not amused by Pepper’s idea at first… he soon warms up to you.” So many insanely wonderful references in this fic, it’s hilarious. Also, Tony being a little shit LOL. Such a hilarious fic!!!! 100% AMAZINGLY HILARIOUS.

16. If You Stumble... by @anika-ann | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “If you stumble…make it part of the dance. In which you ask Steve what your date would look like if you lived the forties. He decides to show you instead. There are few flaws, holes to see through to glimpse beyond that illusion. But what life would be besides boring if everything was perfect? Perfect dress. Perfect date. Perfect gentleman…?” So my dumbass was so excited to read something that anika put out that I didn’t realize this was part 2 of a 3 part series lol I’m dumb yes I know. Anyways, this is part 1 so please don’t be like me and read the first part LOL. ANYWAYS, this was so fucking wholesome. This is definitely one that I need to read again and fully read in order (she’s got part 3 on her AO3, I believe) but ugh. I love the idea of Steve dating in this century, comparing things to how things were done in the old days ufglasodfhsd. I love it. Amazing. 100% FLUFF (I think because well my dumbass hasn’t finished but this part was fluffy :3)

17. @wxstedhexrt‘s poems | Read Them Here! | Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes I don’t think Destiny ever gave me a summary of these but (and Destiny, please correct me if I’m wrong in how you want these to be portrayed!) I believe they’re poems written throughout the whole Steve and Bucky timeline. She’s used the Winter Soldier’s words and turned them into a gorgeous set of poems. 100% My favourite thing in the whole fucking world. 

18. The Lonely Tree by @sarahwroteathing​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “You have a favorite tree which you make sure to pass every day on your way to class, but one day you find you’ll have to get used to sharing it with a friendly art student.” Holy shit guys this 15 part series was so amazing. It’s 100% PURE FLUFF and PINING and gorgeous. Holy shit. Like I screamed reading the whole goddamn thing. Amazing writing by an amazing human being with some awesome humour haha.

19. @sinner-as-saint​ responding to an anon request? Amazing. | Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader Request: May I just spice up your day with the thought of best friend/roommate bucky being jealous when you bring someone home HOT. AS. FUCK. Holy shit. It’s such a short little list of things that Bucky would do but ugh. I was dying reading it. I love me some jealous Bucky smut. 100% angsty fluff? With smuttiness ;) 18+ readers please!!

20. @alloftheimaginesblog​ prompted fic | Steve Rogers x Reader (I could be wrong here but I believe the gender of the reader is never specified? But the ring is a woman’s ring so?? @alloftheimaginesblog​ pls correct me if you want!) Prompt: Finding an engagement ring in one of their drawers. So fucking fluffy I needed a cavity filled after ugh. I loved it so much it was just a gorgeous piece of writing. Steve is a little piece of poop for not hiding that ring better I mean come on, you’re telling me you couldn’t have punched a hole, put the ring there, and then cover it up with like a cabinet or something??? jk i still love you steeb. 100% fluff!

21. Laser Tag by @stargazingfangirl18​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “You play laser tag with your boyfriend Steve and his best friend Bucky. Since you’re just a plain ole civilian, you gotta use what non-Avenger skills you have to avoid losing. Hint: those skills involve Steve and kissing.” Iconic. Everything. Wonderful. There is nothing I love more than Steve Rogers being a little sucker for making out with his girlfriend even when there’s a competition. 100% fluff!!!!

22. Under the Rainbow, Draga mea by @binkysteebnpewter​ | Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader I don’t think there’s an official summary ( @binkysteebnpewter​ pls correct me if I’m wrong) but my summary is this: GAYNESS <3 I love me some wlw content so when I saw this pop up on my dash, I couldn’t NOT read. It’s soooo good. This is a Social Media AU and the amount of meme usage in there I- it’s fucking wonderful. It’s still in progress though so you guys will have to pine after this relationship with me. I FUCKING LOVE IT. 100% GAY LOVE <3

23. A Fic in which Peggy Carter plays wingwoman because these two idiots are in love with each other but they can’t see it so our Queen needs to throw it at them by @1she1hulk1​ (please note I made this title by myself because I don’t think there was a title LOL @1she1hulk1​ lmk if you want me to change this xD) | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “the plot is bacially you and Steve go to see Peggy and she tells Steve to finally make his move” Peggy Carter is a fucking Queen and she knows that Steve is falling for you, because he just won’t stop fucking talking about you LOL. Anyways, this is a super cute fic!!!! Please go give it some love because this human being who wrote it doesn’t think she’s a good writer?????? Crazy. 100% FLUFF!!!!

OTHER FICS THAT DESERVE MENTIONING!!!!

So because this is my first recommendation list on this site, I know I’m definitely missing some amazing fics that I’ve read but never saved (I’m a terrible person I know). So I’m just gonna add them in this list here because they deserve love and attention too!

@wxstedhexrt​‘s poetry. Period. End of story lol. JK. So the ones that I’ve read that are on Destiny’s tumblr aren’t all fandom related (besides the one that I posted above) but they’re still really amazing. I’ve never felt so captured by poems before (mostly because i’m stupid and don’t understand a lot of poetry). Ugh anyways I love her poems so much so please go check them out! CLICK HERE FOR BEAUTY <3

Alright so I know a lot of you guys know @kayteewritessteve​ but if you don’t, she’s this super amazing writer with INCREDIBLE series. (CLICK HERE TO SEE HER FULL MASTERLIST). But one of my most favourite series by her, and one of my favourite series of all time, is: If Only You Knew “You arrive home one day to find a wedding invite for two of your best friends from high school. You knew this day was going to come eventually, but even with that said, you weren’t prepared to return home. At least not after 7 years of avoiding Buckhannon, West Virginia. Or rather, avoiding him; your ex-best friend and the secret love of your life. But maybe it was finally time to face your past, to face him and everything else that happened on that horrible night.”  This 18 (plus an Epilogue) part series will literally have you screaming at your screen being like WHY YALL CANT JUST TELL EACH OTHER HOW YALL FEEL?!?!?!?! 75% angst (because Kaytee likes to hurt us) and 25% fluff BUT the fluff is SOOOOO worth it so it’s like 100% angst and 200% fluff (i was never a mathlete). NOW since, we’re on the topic of Kaytee’s writing, I’d also like to mention: Love and War  “In a harsh medieval world, you set out on a perilous quest that will lead you onto a forbidden land. A land ruled and controlled by a ruthless Warlord King, one who does not look favourably upon trespassers of any kind, and punishes all with an iron fist. You may not know exactly where this quest will end, but what you do know is you will forever be altered by it. And that knowledge alone is what truly terrifies you the most.” so I read this while Kaytee was writing it about a year ago and holllyyyyyy shit. Okay. So. Listen. Fantasy? Check. Romance? Check. Amazing writing? Well it’s Kaytee so yea obviously check. I want to list more things but I don’t want to give it away! This is a 15 part series (plus an Epilogue and Outro) but it goes by so quickly once you’re stuck and waiting for more!!!! 

#pies recommendations #pies may recommendations #fic recommendations #steve rogers x reader #wanda maximoff x reader #i need some good carol fics #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #wanda maximoff x y/n #reader insert fics #and some poetry by destiny #because destiny is the fucking bestiny #steve rogers x y/n #i love all these fics so much

[katieamazeballs]

MVP Recap

Ok, guys.....sorry this is late but I 100% waited until today to do this because #1 It’s faster to type it on the computer than on the phone and #2 I’m now getting paid to do this.  (Who’s the real winner here).  Also....I can post this with a fancy page break so it doesn’t hog everyone’s feed.  But before the break....have a pic......

(As per my now usual.....I will post about my experience more than the dances, because you can find those online or will be seeing them yourselves.)

To start off the day, I finally got to meet My Girl and it was AMAZING!  We met at her hotel then went to dinner.  As we predicted, the girls were instant besties and so were we.  (I love it when a plan comes together).  When we got to dinner the girls sat with My Girl and I sat with her hysterical mom, Nonna.  We had good food and good conversation and it was really nice to have a meal with “my people” and discuss DWTS the entire time.  The best part, however, was Nonna telling me no less than 7 times “I don’t like-ah that Maks.  He’s a jerk”.  (read that in a thick Italian accent).   

(Abbie killed it with this selfie)

After dinner, we found our way to the theater.  I was no help, of course, because I don’t do downtown even though I’ve lived here for 34 of my 38 years.  As we were looking for parking we saw the buses straight ahead, lining both sides of the street.  We saw Ivan outside smoking (wtf dude) and JT.  Once we parked, moved the car to a different spot, and took selfies, we made our way to the theater.  As we were walking up we saw a guy with big girly hair standing by Val’s bus talking on the phone. We were all like “OMG....is that Val?!?!”.  The girls and I started booking it and got closer, that wasn’t Val but OMG HOLY CRAP he was right there in front of us!!  We attempted to approach him and the worlds grumpiest security guard stopped us in our tracks. 

(Seriously.....look at her looking at me like I’m gonna rush him or something!  Trust me when I say she plays a theme throughout the night and imagine that face any time I mention “Bitchy Security Guard” or “BSG”.)

Well.....Val didn’t take too kindly to his fans being treated that way and told us to come take pics but that we had to do it quick because he needed to get inside to get ready.  I have to say....much like Brandon, pictures do not do this man justice.  He is really really really good looking in person.  I mean REALLY.  Gahdamn, Valentin. 

(Notice the guy in the red flannel who is NOT Maks and will not be Maks at any point in the evening no matter how many times we thought he was)

Y’all be proud of Abbie.....she was given strict instructions of things she was banned from saying (I hate Jenna because she STOLE you from me.....and You used to be my favorite but now you’ve been replaced because Jenna STOLE YOU).  Girl handled herself like the sane fangirl we all knew she could be and didn’t even cry. 

(Notice the death grip she has on him)

She showed him her purse and “may” have scared him a tad.  He went “Whoa!”

(She keeps shirtless Val in the center.....because Mama ain’t raising no fool)

After we met Val.....and I failed to remember that I was lugging his book around in my damn purse and forgot to get it signed (I win at life, I swear), we were told exactly where we were allowed to stand and if we so much as took a deep breath, BSG reminded us that we weren’t allowed to move from that spot.  Then she would sigh and roll her eyes at us.  We tried to see other cast but it was getting chilly and windy (scroll back up and look at the chick’s pony in the pic of BSG) and it was getting closer to show time so they were all inside.  Before we left we did get to see Katie the Nanny taking Shai from the venue to the bus.  He is freakin adorable!  His little curls and his little wave to his adoring fans were on point!  I do not have a picture of this because #1 It happened super quick and #2 It’s not my baby and that’s kindof weird and intrusive and BSG was still side eying us and I’m pretty sure she would have taken my phone and deleted all the pics or something in retaliation.  She was seriously bitchy and hated her job. 

We got inside the venue and hit the merch stand.  We all got our shirts (to my surprise, Abs picked the white tour tee instead of the Team Val tee).  We found our way upstairs, got drinks, and found our seats.  They were pretty decent seats except for we had to sit forward to see the very front of the stage if they laid down (a few times) and couldn’t see them picking the people out of the audience.  The show was, of course, amazing.  In my opinion, it was better than the DWTS show.  Those Chmerkovskiy’s can dance!!!!  I’ve heard that Peta is amazing live, but that doesn’t do her justice.  She truly is the queen and literally commands the stage when she’s on it.  There were moments of great group numbers, moments of hilarity (the dad dance and the stripper section), and gut wrenching serious moments.  It really does tell a story through dance and we all loved it.  What you probably don’t see in the YouTube videos of the dad dance is Kiki has twins.  Abs is still laughing about those twins and when the baby sneezes and Maks yells “It got in my eye!”.  During the Chippen Val/Magic Maks section they pull up the lady out of the audience.  Let me tell you.....that lady was living her best life.  She was so funny!  Throughout the show we were annoyed by the group behind us.  There were about 8 or 10 of them and they talked the entire show.  I’m not talking quiet respectful whispers.....these bitches were straight up chit chatting.  I did giggle at one point because the oldest of them was totally Team Nonna.  They were doing their first talking section and this chick pipes up with “I’ve always hated Maks.....he’s such an arrogant jackass”.  During the super emotional break up section....it was so quiet in there you could hear a pin drop.  I had been annoyed the entire show, but at this point I started to get a little concerned that because it was so quiet in there (that section is riveting) that Maks and Peta would actually hear these bitches trying each others wine in an attempt to figure out which one had the tastiest.  Seriously y’all.....they were SO LOUD!  At this point, I turned around and said “PLEASE stop talking!”.  They shushed to heated whispers through the rest of the show but if one of us so much as looked at each other they’d say “NO TALKING!”.  At the end of the show they got up and left during the final bows (seriously the rudest group of drunk bitches ever).  I booked it out after the show to pee.  Abs didn’t have to so she went to stand outside of the bathroom to wait for the rest of our group.  I hear “That’s HER!” and look over and these bitches were WAITING for me to come out of the theater!  They start yelling “We are at a concert!!!  Talking is expected in this type of situation!  And you were rude too!!!”  (of note....no one ever said they were rude)  Abs is looking at me with huge eyes and I was like “Wait...how was I rude!  You know what...never mind....Abbie get over here!”.  I drug her into the bathroom still completely appalled at their behavior.  Be proud that I was an adult and didn’t engage.  Once all of our group was done, and these bitches are still standing there waiting, we just kind of grabbed the girls put our heads down and booked it out of there. 

We got outside and went to stand by the buses again.  BSG was still manning her post and was quite possibly in an even worse mood than before.  She seriously hates fans.  She should probably look into different employment.  Thankfully we had a different security guard posted to our standing area.  He was funny and nice and roughly the size of a mountain range.  He didn’t seem to be that huge of a guy but he had a chest and shoulders that somehow blocked the entire sidewalk.  He also must know us (is our picture up in these venues or something) because dude kept a super close eye on Abs.  She must have looked shifty to him.  He’s a smart man and I wish I would have taken a pic with him.  We stood there and stood there and stood there some more.  We had met Val, but wanted to talk to him again (because my damn book) and Makayla really wanted to meet Peta.  My goal was to meet Val (for Abs of course....ha) and meet either Maks or Peta to personally give them Shai’s hat.  Peta came out loaded down with bags and went to the bus.  She came back out and headed our way to go into a different door (probably to get food, they all went in there) and said she’d come back.  While we were waiting, we saw quite a few of the dancers coming out.  Ivan was standing there talking to a crew member and since no one else would pipe up I yelled his name.  He waved and I asked for a picture.  He was super nice and came over (Mt. Everest was amused by this).

After meeting him, both girls (and the rest of the small crown of about 15-20) were oohing and aahing over how good he smelled and I realized that my damn sinuses are still acting up and I didn’t smell anything.  I thought back to meeting Val (when both girls had the same reaction) and I thought my lack of smelling him was just because we caught him before the show and he wasn’t freshly showered.....apparently my inconspicuous deep breaths when I was standing with him were just fail. I’m super salty about this.  Seriously.....I may not ever be ok with the fact that I didn’t smell Val.  Shortly after we met Ivan, we saw Emily standing there.  She also came over when I got her attention and asked for a picture.  Mt. Everest was again amused by me while the others were plotting how they could always manage to be by me at bus meets because I not only recognized everyone by name, but was brave enough to call them over. 

I think it was at this point that My Girl’s girl was attempting to convince her mom that they should come to Jax to do all tours with me and Abs.......I don’t think she was successful.  Lol.   At some point in this process, we saw JT a few more times.  I really wanted to get a pic with him.  I yelled his name and he threw a half hearted wave, then looked over and said “Oh Hey” and waved harder.  He did not come over for a picture.  He must actually have recognized me....he was like “Yep...that’s a nope all day long, that bitch is cray”.  He has since been relieved of his best friend duties....but it’s ok because Nicole and Alyssa (Serge’s gf) have agreed that they are better choices anyways. 

Finally.....the queen emerged and came right over to our group.  She is strikingly beautiful in person and so so so tiny.  She could probably share clothes with Abs!  I gave her a hug and told her I had made a gift for Shai for his morning inspections.  She laughed and then peeked in the bag.  She awe’d and thought it was adorable!  (Totally winning at life here). 

She chit chatted with our group for a bit and talked about how they had had to adjust and reblock that day because the stage was a tight squeeze (which explains all the rehearsal stories) and lamented the weird lights outside that went from normal to pink to red (which is why the pics are kindof weird).  Abs asked where Maks was and she laughed and said she had no idea and that she hadn’t seen him since bows.  As she left she thanked me again for the hat and said she’d post it on insta.  I’m really hoping he’ll wear it (toddlers are iffy on hats....and all things really) but I’m pretty sure she’ll post it some how if he won’t wear it. 

(Of note....I could smell her.....she smells like a girl.....flowery lotion.  It makes me more salty)

We waited a bit longer and still no sign of Maks or Val.  It was getting late and even more chilly and windy and we decided to call it quits at 11.  The time came and after me having to snap at Abs (she is a determined fangirl), we made our exit with the agreement that one of the remaining group would watch us until we got to the corner and they’d yell Maks’ name real loud so we could come running back.  Mt. Everest thought this was hysterical and kept waving to us while we walked off looking back every 5 seconds.  We made our way back to the hotel, I was again no help because while I can confidently get myself home from downtown....the hotel was on the other side of the river and I had no idea how to get there.  The girls were passed out approx 37 seconds into the drive home.  When we got there Nonna popped out of the van and looked down and saw her shirt button was undone.  She goes “Oh look at me, all naked!”  I died.  She is the best and I might steal her.  We sadly said our goodbyes and Abs and I headed home.  After I got home (about 11:45) I went to check and saw @loveisstatic was the lone hold out and got to meet Maks.  I bet she really got the wrath of BSG for waiting so long.  (Girl...you gotta vouch for me on BSG....she was serious!)  All in all, we had the absolute best time and I can’t wait to do it again.....next year.....after my wallet stops crying.

#mvp tour #confidential tour #the best night

[a-m00d]

Not talking again

So we got in a bit of a fight starting last night, and now he is completely not responding to me. It started with me....because we had a bit of a virtual sex thing Friday night when I was drinking, and I kindof felt bad/weird about it the next day...but chose not to think about it. But the main thing that got me sad was that it seemed like, he just felt like doing that with me cuz we hadn’t in a while and he was into me particularly that night (as he said). So of course I have to wonder, all those many nights we didn’t talk about anything sexual, how many girls he was saying the same things to. He posted the next day on instagram (twice) a pic of the vapor inhaler, referring to it as kinky...and the fact he posted it twice....and along with a pic of a wolf I know signals some other kindof love story i’m unaware of makes me think he is reaching out to his old flings on instagram since he’s been horny lately. I was trying to be nice and caring towards him being sick, but when I do that...he takes advantage of me and tries to get horny with me and everything like that. Sometimes I comply and sometimes I don’t but I wonder often if he just reaches out to other girls when I don’t comply. And maybe it’s not every time, but i’m sure it’s happened. But from what he’s told me...he loves me, he wants to marry me, etc. and that he hasn’t talked to other girls. Whether he has been with other girls or not, he’s never satisfied. He’s just downright manipulative. I gave him tons of pictures of me one night and the next night he’s complaining I won’t do it again.

The most frustrating thing, though, are his responses when I call him out about this. It’s impossible to get through to him, get him to apologize about anything, get him to even stick to the point. I know so well enough by now that we will never be stable. Whenever we’re not fighting I just wait for things to boil over again. And it always happens. He’s manic and will never change. And on the other side of the coin, i’ve gotten to this point where he’s pretty much the closest friend to me and the person I go to if I’m in trouble, and we’re there for each other...but we just can’t be stable. It’s hard to stare at my phone and realize no one texted me all day. And to be honest, even if I do have that ongoing chat with any of my friends, it’s just not the same. I’m so used to talking to him non-stop. When we wake up...all day, and right up until we go to bed.

I found myself habitually just staring down at my phone all day during work, when waiting for my computer to load, etc., times when I’m just used to texting him back. It’s the perfect amount of time to say something. And every time, I realized, oh, I can’t text him. And I found myself pretty consciously aware of that habit after the realization that I probably wouldn’t get a text from him for the rest of the work day. So there was a huge void. But after yesterday, I felt really down about my life and where i’m at....knowing that he is a part of things I need to move on from or mature away from. I still find myself looking at my phone awaiting his text back. It’s not like him to go this long without texting. But at the same time, I have to tell myself...this is what I need. I’ve already bent myself over about the morals of the whole thing and my slow learning logic/emotional connection point, and what is not right and wrong, etc. But given the nature of where our conversation is at....this seems like a good time to let go. I’m sure I won’t though, and things will get worse. Maybe he’ll text back at some point and i’ll let him in again...but I can’t be the one to text. If he doesn’t text back within the next day or two, I should then block him and then give myself the time to finally grieve and be free. 

I have to think about the fact that, when I am distracted, he is so nice to have around. When I’m scared or upset or going through something awful, I love that he is there, and I totally take that for granted until the times when I don’t have it. But also that, just like any dependency, it takes time to get your body off of it. I have to think about that, at least 50% of the time when we are good...I find myself thinking that I don’t even really like his personality...when he talks about stocks and shit, it’s not even the fact that I don’t quite care about the details, but more about I don’t like his aggressive/BS persona...the persona that boasts about making money or people praising him or that he’s gonna be so rich...or when he’s “so poor” and then splurges his money on something totally unnecessary. I don’t like the persona of his that—consciously or unconsciously—ignores what I’m saying and talks about himself on and on and on. I could list a million more things in here, but I think this is getting away from the deeper issues I started to feel just before writing this post.

When he moved away, I was devastated. Because, weirdly, for those last 2 days, we were in such a good place. But back then I also had the hope that he would still change if he went away. My brain told me he wouldn’t, but that feeling of hope was still there. Now, talking to him in FL, I know he not only hasn’t changed, but probably won’t make it back to NY any time soon. (which in essence is fine, because I wouldn’t want him back in NY if he was in the place that he’s at now and we’re still somewhat talking.)

Fuck...now I want to text him. Now I have the urge to just say something and smooth things over...UGH. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME. Is it boredom? I think I’m searching for hope....either that he will change, or that I will take the next step and just magically get over him and not care one day. It would be so much easier if I met another guy. If he met another girl...well...it would be hard as fuck because I know he would just gradually stop texting me and being interested without ever saying anything and potentially never even admitting it...but it might just be the best blessing in disguise ever. My mind is racing with a million thoughts right now. Although I was debating not saying anything to him about the instagram post, it wouldn’t have mattered...because I felt so strongly about my feeling that he is never satisfied, and that its so unfair to me and that I need better. But does better equal nothing? I mean, in theory it definitely does....and those times when i’m upset and disappointed with him, I dream about just being alone. But then almost immediately after we stop talking, the withdrawal kicks in. THIS IS ULTIMATELY WHY I NEED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP. And my brain knows this sooooo clearly. But my desires and urges, I just can’t control. He’s like a drug and I need him to go on with my day to day life. There’s literally no difference between him and adderall and juuling and caffeine. The more and more I have gotten older the harder it is for me to give up on my dependencies. Apart from when I was young in high school and just had an epiphany to stop using drugs...now it feels so much harder...maybe because I feel like life is more difficult and depressing, and that I have more responsibility. But also maybe....because I’ve trained myself to get used to these dependencies, and now i’m so stuck in my routine that I just don’t want to deal with the hurt and pain of losing everything and not being in my best mood to give off good energies. 

The part where it gets complicated though, is that...the logic should be that if I don’t have a significant other, I have more time to work on myself and everything else in my life. However, my social life makes up about 5% of my life at this moment. I don’t really talk to any of my friends very frequently and I do spend a ton of time working...or maybe just watching TV, etc. It would be nice to be able to focus even more on my work...but when I do this, I don’t think I will be in that happy place I dreamed of. I think I will feel extremely isolated and yearn for more of a social life and/or romantic connection again. 

It’s difficult to let go. The feeling is very dismal right now. But I have to not just follow my deep-rooted urges. Regardless of what I do, I have to think before I act again. 

Of course, he just texted now. What will I do? I haven’t opened the text, but I’m sure when I read it, it won’t fulfill me. It will either be something dismal about his life to try and make me feel bad for him or something to make me angry. 

...of course it was. 

His first text was like, “i’ve been at the dr. office all day :( bye”

(followed by 2 more texts about how sick he is)

I just really have no words for this behavior. It is so manipulative. If i feed off of his “bye” text, it will only just make things worse. But who am I to deal with that? It’s not a big deal, but it is because I don’t want to engage with people who speak to me like that. And with him, I couldn’t just say anything somewhat rational about that response, like, “i’m sorry but when you text me “bye” or dismissive things, I don’t want to engage” AND I couldn’t even say anything easy or candid like, “text me back when you decide you’re over speaking to me like a child.” If I told him he could either text me like an adult or we don’t talk, he would just act like a child and say “ok fine bye we’re not talking because of you.” He would say something hurtful to me that would pry me right in the gut. Whether I would say something back immediately or not, I would be hurt about it. And then the whole cycle begins and continues again. The reason we have so many problems even in the first place is because the majority of the times I don’t want to talk to him, and I literally can’t...because I have to weigh if the immense stress of the argument that will follow me saying something is better than not saying anything at all. Honestly, even many of those times I do say something, and we do talk it out, more problems occur, making things essentially so complicated we just brush things over. This sounds like a regular relationship, but oh, it’s not at all. HE. DOESN’T. EVER. CHANGE.