#*only acknowledges the 'mystery guy' thing bc it's a tag that tumblr suggested; otherwise i'm sticking to my headcanon oops*

[amorremanet]

“chris & phichit’s excellent adventure”

a.k.a, “the transcontinental road trip AU where, a few years in the future, chris and phichit go on the hunt to find vitya’s missing blood family and bring them to the viktuuri wedding.” for #yoiweek2017 day five: stay close to me — option b: bonds/friendship.

(and sneaks in tags for @sikenesque @fighthaus & @pocketlass for reasons)

featuring hijinks and shenanigans, including but not limited to (not even remotely in order):

“how did you even find intel, chris??” // “oh, my future father-in-law has a soft spot for romance and touching family reunions, he helped me out. also, he specializes in finding missing persons for INTERPOL.”

“so, why don’t we just let INTERPOL handle this? like, they have the resources, don’t they?”

“because they’re a police organization? all the rumors about viktor’s blood family being in organized crime are ridic, they’re not even credible enough for gossip bloggers to dignify their existence anymore. INTERPOL has no reason to be involved, my future father-in-law just did me a favor.”

“okay, that makes sense… plus, i mean? if you think about it, it’d probably mean a lot more to viktor and yuuri if we got viktor’s family to the wedding ourselves. found family uniting blood family and all that, right? :D”

“blanket rule: no selfies while we’re on the trip, viktor and yuuri might figure out what we’re up to.”

“won’t they figure out that we’re up to something when they realize that both of the best men have gone missing?” // “nah, i got it covered. :D”

literally the full extent of christophe’s alleged “plan” here is, “make my beautiful bae thierry run interference to keep the grooms-to-be-distracted. he’s in government, he is experienced at finding ways to waste people’s time. then, when i get home, make it up to him that i asked for so much important help, and then have dinner and a gold-medal romantic marriage proposal, awwww yiss.”

having to call on leo for help at some point in the states, bc phichit has never needed to learn how to drive, and chris has a license but he hasn’t driven in ages and he’s used to everything being on the other side of the road, what the hell is this, why is everything in america backwards

“i’m sorry for chris, leo. trying to drive the rental car back in detroit messed him up a little, thank you for giving us a ride ♡”

“THE ROADS MADE NO SENSE, THERE WERE POTHOLES AND BROKEN CEMENT ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE, THE PEOPLE WERE MEAN TO ME, AND EVERYTHING WAS BACKWARDS!!!”

“……right. yeah, it’s no problem, phichit. i was gonna call you today anyway, you’ve been quiet on social media since the thing in munich, i was getting worried. ♡”

a scooby doo-esque chase scene through the louvre, arising from a misunderstanding between chris and a belgian tourist who looked kinda like the last confirmed photo of viktor’s blood mother (in his defense, it’s a very bad photo and the poor tourist did look kinda like viktor’s mother)

“we’re way ahead of schedule, phichit! we have enough time to go out tonight! besides, we’re gonna meet a contact!” — *spongebob announcer voice* SEVERAL HOURS LATER……

“ugh, phichit, come on. our contact probably isn’t showing up by now and this mountain goat guy’s music sucks…… uh. ……phichit? *to the bartender, showing her a picture on his phone* ……hey, have you seen this guy? he came in with me a few hours ago? he’s about this tall *mimes with his hand*, really cute, probably trying to take selfies with everybody?”

bartender: “oh yeah, he headed for the stage while you were arguing with that other patron about whether or not that russian skater guy deserves to be called a living legend—”

“well, what else are you supposed to do when someone insults your best friend’s honor and also his skating”

bartender: “right, well. have fun trying to elbow your way through a bunch of enraptured john darnielle fans to get your cute friend back. :)”

chris does not have fun trying to do this. phichit doesn’t appreciate chris trying to yank him out of the pit in the middle of j.d. playing, “this year,” like?? what the hell, chris!

chris still thinks that the weirdo in the glasses can’t actually sing or play his guitar and also his songs suck. phichit makes him wait by the stage door for an autograph and a selfie anyway.

“you can’t even post it anywhere or this will all go belly-up again ffs WHY”

“because the mountain goats, chris!!! THAT’S why!”

having to call on jj and isabella for help in montreal, bc as the adventure winds down and brings them to canada, they still can’t drive but they are too close to finding vitya’s family to give up now just because chris finds jj insufferable

“seung-gil? this is isabella and jj’s place, uh? not to be rude but… why are YOU here? with your dog?”

“*shrugs* spending time with my best friend and our boyfriend. what are you doing here, phichit. and with giacometti?”

“would you believe that chris and i are on a transcontinental hunt for viktor’s long-lost family who might be involved in organized crime or something, thanks to a series of tips that started with chris’s future father-in-law who works for INTERPOL i guess, and we’ve been all over the world, looking for the long-lost nikiforovs so they can come to viktor and yuuri’s wedding?”

“*headtilts at phichit, then eyebrow arches at chris, who is faceplanted and sacked out on the couch* ……well, i believe that jj would believe that and let you two stay here for a while.”

“*sighs and takes chris’s phone out of his jacket pocket, borrows his thumb to get past the lock, and shows seung-gil some of the intel that’s been guiding them on their search* ……i feel like i should say something witty? but i’m tired and jetlagged, so… please substitute something witty in here for me?”

“*eyebrow arches at chris’s phone and then up at phichit* ……why on earth would you two do all of this instead of just buying katsuki and nikiforov a honeymoon in the bahamas or something?”

“………that. um. ………………that literally never occurred to us?”

“literally never?”

“and we thought it’d be sweeter and more personal to find viktor’s family???”

“*whistles, sighs, then gets up and points at the guest bed* get some sleep, phichit. you look like you’re going to need it. *waits for phichit to lie down, then coaxes his husky up into the bed to go snuggle phichit. because seung-gil likes phichit, so phichit gets dog-snuggles. and none for christophe giacometti, bye.*”

chris doesn’t make arrangements for them in rome bc he expects to be able to call on sara and sleep on her couch, but she, mickey, and emil are already at the wedding when chris and phichit get there.

(sara is there as mila’s plus-one, and yuuri invited emil, who brought mickey as his plus-one.)

so, without any planned accommodations in rome, chris and phichit go looking for either a room or maybe some of the leads they’re supposed to be finding (hey, it’s not that late).

a few wrong turns and oddball miscommunications, exacerbated by their very questionable italian, later… and they’ve found their way to a fancy dinner party being hosted by a distinguished professor of art history and the classics, who has family ties to organized crime.

(their bags get stashed in one of the guest rooms, based on the assumption that they’ll be staying the night.)

people at the party keep asking phichit if he’s the professor’s mysterious sicilian protégé whom they’ve heard about but never met, and at first, phichit is trying to find it as amusing as he can when he can’t post selfies with people after clearing up the misidentification.

after a while, though, enough people have done it that he’s really frustrated because??? what the HELL??? he is THAI, not sicilian??? how are you people even getting sicilian when he knows that his italian is other-than-good???

also, not to be immodest, but phichit just won silver at the winter olympics in pyeongchang, like?? that was just last year??? were his performances really that forgettable????

finally, phichit tries to drag chris away from charming a group of pretty, eager graduate students with an anecdote about some holiday in ibiza that is like 85% made up, and in his indignation at everything going on today, phichit shouts at chris that they need to get back on the hunt for the nikiforovs!!!

*record scratch sound effect!*

this gets them dragged back into a very well-furnished study to have a chat with the professor, his younger brother, and their older sister because oh no, did you say nikiforov :|

turns out that the professor’s family definitely knew the nikiforovs and it’s some kind of complicated mess, and there is some serious miscommunication that briefly makes them think that chris and phichit are the cutest but most ineffective hitmen ever.

once this is cleared up, they are given intel on where to go looking for the nikiforovs on the condition that they leave rome by dawn. they get on the first train out of the city without even caring where it goes.

after a series of unfortunate transfers and sleeping through the stops where they initially planned to get off, they end up in munich. this would be awesome if they were on holiday, but it’s really not where they want to be for the sake of hunting for viktor’s family.

moreover, it’s kinda troublesome because phichit really does have a lot of fans after his big win in pyeongchang — more than he did beforehand, even, which says a lot because he’s had a lot of fans since his instagram started getting attention and got a huge rush of them after he made the cut for the sochi winter olympics.

but he has an especially huge fan club in germany for reasons he doesn’t entirely understand but also isn’t arguing with because omg yay, hi new friends, phichit wants to meet all of you and be your friend for real!!! (how sad is phichit that he’s banned from posting selfies right now? VERY SAD, that is how sad he is)

chris also has a pretty big fan club in germany, and when they show up in munich, he’s wearing the t-shirt one of his german fans designed for him that says, “bigger than hasselhoff” with fanart of chris in his free skate outfit from the sochi olympics (and hey, phichit, it’s not just you who’s upset about the blanket selfie-ban right now, but there’s a reason that you and chris agreed to this)

either way, they run into one of their fans while trying to scope out a café where they can get breakfast (“one that isn’t at the damned train station, phichit. ew, we have time enough to go find better food”) — and while the three of them share breakfast, chris and phichit take a few selfies with him without even thinking that their fan might post it anywhere. which he does.

the selfies end up on instagram, facebook, snapchat, and tumblr — never mind the tweets he posts alerting the fanclubs that chris and phichit are in munich, apparently doing nothing of interest (or maybe looking for someone who knows viktor nikiforov? they weren’t very clear on that).

you know those iconic scenes from a hard day’s night where the screaming fangirls chase the beatles around london?

yeeeeeah, uh.

chris and phichit are going to get chased around munich by screaming fans of all genders. if this were a movie, there would be a shot of them booking it through the main square at marienplatz — like, right in front of the mariensäule and fischbrunnen — scaring the other people and the pigeons as they desperately attempt to get away from the throng of fans behind them.

there would probably be another shot of them running from fans in front of the hofbräuhaus am platzl. because in the movies, you have to showcase the most well-known landmarks. it’s like how you can’t have paris in a movie without showing off the eiffel tower, just so everybody knows that we’re in paris.

they try to hide in different shops and on a bus. they try running into the englischer garten because, with an area of 910 acres, they figure that it should be big enough to hide in (but there are fans there already, shit).

they run out, hide on another bus, and try to go to the tierpark hellabrunn, which is going well until they get comfortable and take a selfie in front of the tigers, and phichit at-tags yurio in it.

for one thing, this tells most of the fans that chris and phichit are at the zoo, looking at tigers and it alerts the fans who are already there because chris unzipped his jacket to show off his shirt and they both pulled down the coverings on their mouths.

for another thing, yurio doesn’t actually appreciate being tagged by either of the best men after he was told (by thierry) that chris and phichit wouldn’t be on social media while away on their adventure (so please, please, please help them out by not telling viktor what they’re doing, and help thierry keep it secret from him and yuuri, please?)

he especially doesn’t appreciate phichit trying to be nice to him and acting like they’re friends by going, “omg yurio, it you” — like, okay. by now, yuri has mostly given up on fighting his nickname. it hasn’t gone away and yuri’s angels have even started using it, but stop being NICE to him, phichit. it’s WEIRD. (also, “it you” on a picture of a tiger, that’s so funny, he forgot to laugh. :|)

so, not only do the fans notice them and resume the chase, but yurio forwards the selfie to thierry, who is other than impressed that chris and phichit have broken the, “no selfies so viktor and yuuri don’t figure out what we’re doing” rule

like, okay, the first one? thierry can understand that. they were tired and hungry and it’s not like they told the random guy at the café not to post selfies because they couldn’t figure out how to do it without spilling the whole story — but the second one, though??

chris, what the hell

thierry loves you but he is trying SO HARD!!! to keep viktor and yuuri from finding out what’s going on and you’re posting selfies with phichit like you swore that you wouldn’t because the selfies would make thierry’s job harder, why are you doing this

and rather than hang up on his boyfriend while the bae is being understandably upset with him, chris tries to apologize and explain the situation while he and phichit are still running from the fan squad

after a while of this: “……uh, chris?”

chris: “*talking quickly, periodically punctuated by heavy breathing* what? i love you, i swear i was listening, you were saying that i’m being irresponsible and—”

“thank you for proving that you were listening, which i was going to trust you about actually, but why does it sound like you can’t breathe???”

chris: “i’m fine!!! i swear, bae!! keep talking, i don’t want to interrupt or anything, i love!!! listening to you taaaalk — ack!!! *sounds vaguely strangled*”

phichit: “*grabbed chris by his shirt and jacket collars to keep him from running out into moving traffic and drag him around a corner instead*”

chris: “i’m fine, bae! keep talking!”

“you don’t sound fine…”

chris: “no, i am!!! i am totally fine! so you were saying about me!! and phichit!! being irresponsible!!! and making your life harder!!! and you really don’t appreciate it because you’re trying so hard to help keep the secret from vitya and sleeping beauty!!! and you’re so good about everything! and so smart!!! and i don’t wanna!! tell you that you’re sexy!!! because i tell you all the time and i know you feel like sometimes i’m just saying it!!! to get out of trouble!! or out of telling you other compliments!!!!”

“chris what in the world is going on because i do not believe for a second that you and phichit are actually fine right now”

chris: “NO I’M FINE JUST LIKE YOUR BUTT!! oh shit, i’m sorry bae!!! that wasn’t appropriate while you’re upset!!! with us for being irresponsible!!!”

“chris stop trying to act like you’re fine, i don’t feel like this is helping and—”

chris: “BAE EVERYTHING IS PERFECTLY FINE WHY WOULD IT NOT BE THAT’S FUNNY YOU’RE SO FUNNY I’M—”

“christophe sebastian giacometti, stop lying to me and give the phone to phichit right. now. :|”

chris: “*groans and whines about how he doesn’t want to give the phone to phichit but does anyway*”

phichit: “hi, thierry! we’re okay!! we’re in munich!!”

“yes, phichit, i saw the selfie. it was very cute, the current situation notwithstanding.”

phichit: “aww thanks!! you’re so cool, thierry! to appreciate the cuteness of the selfie even when you’re mad at us! :D”

“……right. phichit, what in the world is going on, why does neither of you sound like you can breathe.”

phichit: “oh, nothing much! same thing that’s been happening all day! it’s no big deal!!!”

“um. neither of you being able to breathe sounds like a very big deal to me, actually???”

phichit: “but we can so breathe!! it’s just harder because we’re running! like, literally running! have been all day, almost!!”

“why on earth have you been literally running around munich all day”

phichit: “we got on a couple of buses!!!”

“that doesn’t really answer my question…… :/”

phichit: “okay, we’re running from some fans!!!”

“wait what”

phichit: “they started showing up!! after that nice guy from the café!!! posted his selfies with us this morning!!!!”

“you are running through the streets of munich…… pursued by enthusiastic skating fans?”

phichit: “yeah, it’s like we’re the beatles!! but cuter and figure skaters and there are only two of us!!!”

“um, why did chris answer his phone in the first place if that’s the case”

phichit: “because he loves you and knew you’d probably be mad about the selfies!! and he wanted to apologize!!! because yeah, that was totally not a good move on our part!!! and he was all like, ‘it’s fair for him to be mad, i have to take this or it’ll make him more upset, ugh my name is chris giacometti, i’m a huge nerd and i just love my boyfriend soooooo much’”

“uh, why wouldn’t he just tell me that himself”

phichit: “i don’t know???! probably because he’s a huge nerd who loves you so much???! and he didn’t want to like, interrupt you being mad at us for the selfie?”

“………phichit, give chris his phone back.”

phichit: “okay!! bye, theirry!! i’m sorry for posting the selfie and making your life hard!!!”

chris: “HI BAE DID PHICHIT CLEAR THINGS UP”

“chris, this is one of those situations we talked about? you know, the ones where you’re allowed to not take my call or tell me that you need to call me back because important things are happening? so you don’t need to be unreasonably, irrationally worried that i’ll be mad at you because i understand that you have anxiety about this but i swear that i won’t be upset? or worried? or any other negative thing you’re afraid of me being?”

chris: “yeah, but when i didn’t take your call in rome, we were getting interrogated by the mafioso professor guy! i didn’t want you to worry!! also, you’re right to be mad at us!! we fucked it up bad this time!!! so you deserved to, like?! idk, chew us out before you had time to calm down and not be as mad at us!!! *makes a weird squawking noise as phichit drags him into a fairly empty alleyway* also i can’t text you and run at the same time, bae!! i’m not superman!”

“you have been risking your escape and stressing your body out to talk to me while you’re running and dragging luggage through a crowded city…… because you wanted to let me be MAD at you?”

chris: “*in between trying to catch his breath as he and phichit slump against the wall* well, yeah! i mean!! you’re my thierry, you’re my bae… and i know you do that thing sometimes where you’re really understanding and i love it…… i really do!!! ……but it’s totally not fair on you, sometimes!! because you end up censoring your feelings instead of communicating them!! and i mean, i don’t like that i made you mad at us, but you’re right to be so you should express that and like—”

“if the next words out of your mouth have something to do with sex, chris, i swear to god—”

chris: “well, yeah, the sex with you is great, but like!! bae, i mean!!! if it was just that, i wouldn’t love you, though!! it’s all of you, like how you’re smart and you’re sweet and you’re funny and so caring and it’s like?? what kind of way to treat somebody you love is that? ignoring your call when you’re right to be mad?”

“at the moment, it’s a self-preserving way to treat me because frankly? i would have understood if you and phichit escaped from your fans before calling me back. :/”

chris: “but then you’d have time to get not-as-mad at us! which isn’t fair! like you should be able to express that with us and i love you so much that i’d rather let you be mad at us while we’re trying to run from fans than call you back because making you wait is so not fair to the man i’m gonna marry!!!”

“wait what?”

chris: “*deep breaths and finally starts chilling out a bit* which part wait what?”

“‘it is so not fair to the man i’m gonna marry’?”

chris: “…………uh. ……………oops, i love you, are you mad or happy? mad or happy?”

“neither, er — confused, mostly, i mean?? we haven’t talked about anything like this since we moved in together, and??? explain???”

chris: “i decided i wanted to propose recently, okay?! and i wanted to wait until after the wedding so it wouldn’t steal viktor and yuuri’s thunder because viktor’s my best friend and yuuri’s the endearing oddball who makes my best friend happy, and oh god, fuck, this is so not how i wanted to do this—”

phichit: “*shouting at the phone* he was gonna cook for you, thierry! he was gonna make your favorites and he ruled out rose petals because he knows you’d hate the mess and wouldn’t find it sexy!!! he has like twenty-seven pages of handwritten plans about it in his journal, i saw them, it was super-romantic!”

chris: “oh my god, shut up!”

“wait is he serious”

chris: “…i mean, i have more like forty pages of plans about it because some of them, i had to vote, ‘no’ on but…… yes?”

“okay, are you being serious”

chris: “*sighs, then stiffens as phichit tugs on his sleeve and points out of the alley, where a few fans are looking around; sotto voce* ……bae, i don’t want to cut this off because i love you more than anything and it’s important but we’re gonna have to run again, so look? i’ll call you back when we’re out of this for real, and until then, there’s something in the upper right drawer of my desk that should answer your question for you, okay?”

“*chuckles* if it’s those weird gold medal condoms, i’m divorcing you”

chris: “ugggh, it’s not condoms, thierry, jesus! *has unwittingly alerted the fans to his and phichit’s hiding spot* okay, shit, we need to run, I LOVE YOU, BAE, YOU MAKE ME HAPPY EVEN WHEN YOU’RE MAD AT ME, TAKE CARE, GET SLEEP TONIGHT, I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MARRY YOU, BYE.”

phichit: “*drags chris down the alley by his sleeve because fuck this, they’re running now, chris*”

anyway, at some point, they end up in some secondhand bookshop where a lone fan corners them and actually has some unexpected information about the nikiforovs for them

so, at least a hard day’s night in munich: starring phichit chulanont and christophe giacometti! was worth something more than the entertainment they’ll get out of telling the stories after the fact, when they are not exhausted and trying to get to paris on the tail of this new lead

that’s it for now, this post got long enough and i need to go make dinner

the end (probably temporarily)!!!

okay, bye, thanks for reading

#yoiweek2017 #yuri on ice headcanons #phichit chulanont #christophe giacometti #chris x mystery guy #yuri on ice #thierry kensinger #christophe x thierry #christophe x phichit #mine: yuri on ice #mine: headcanons #leo de la iglesia #seung gil lee #yuri plisetsky #vague background references to saramila & emilmickey #*only acknowledges the 'mystery guy' thing bc it's a tag that tumblr suggested; otherwise i'm sticking to my headcanon oops* #all caps /