#*throws this at some tags for the hell of it* hi it's me a sp33der /jennamarblesvoice

[echthr0s]

pillowfort is still down (it's a meme to me at this point. it's been like 3 months) so I guess I'll ramble about this here, in public and shit

I think about death a lot because I'm a Scorpio rising because I'm goth because, I believe, it was the second most viscerally traumatising thing to happen to me in my first known existence aside from birth (probably also why those really existential concepts linking birth and death resonate with me, too) and I'm now obsessed with how it's going to happen this time around and whether I'll keep retaining knowledge of my former existences and whether dying on this world will be even more traumatising than the previous times (because I am, for the first time, in a brainbody that is predisposed to fearing death -- humans are apparently experts at thanatophobia) (I mean, dear Mr Sullivan was already dead when I weaselled my way into his story and he was never afraid of death anyway. not sure he ever even thought of himself as human, which is... logical)

what's interesting is that I don't have any memories of actually dying -- I think the event of dying is so traumatic that I can't hold onto it, it's like a form of self-protection (especially if I'm going to be reappearing in new bodies -- how would I possibly survive with that dread knowledge hanging over my head all the time? I can barely handle my regular trauma dude) (I see other people with otherlives/former lives handling it rather well and that's cool, though. wish that were me). what's also interesting is that the thing I fear most about dying isn't even like... dying itself. like, sure, that's scary and all, but the real deep terror comes from the idea that I may possibly remain cognisant and conscious throughout the experience of dying. that I will persist, and therefore remember.

because otherwise, when I think about dying in the normal sense, I think, "well, I'll be dead, so I won't remember dying, because there will be no 'me' left to remember it, which means I can't possibly be traumatised by it", and that makes perfect sense and usually counteracts normal human-brain thanatophobia. but as Me, there's a very real possibility that I will remember, for some reason. that maybe, at the moment of death, I'll remember all my deaths. that there is a Me that persists, that can be traumatised by the cyclic experience of birth and death.

there's also... the whole "Gan's body" theory or whatever it is that Can Calah and I accidentally stumbled upon by talking too goddamn much. under that story, I will have to die in a whole different way -- mythically, as well as physically, to become something else. which is a new level of frightening, because while I have been different people over time, I've still been... Me. I didn't stop existing, I just wore new costumes. but in this story, I would stop existing, and would probably be written out completely.

a fate worse than death, or a fate that transcends death? Fucking Around And Finding Out: The Mordred Son-Of-None Story

(ETA: there's also the possibility that I'll just end up a fictive in someone else's system, like Can Calah did, because if Our Inworld is an afterlife, then We're definitely not the only ones...)

#*throws this at some tags for the hell of it* hi it's me a sp33der /jennamarblesvoice #fictionkin #fictionkind #exotrauma #i'm not bad i was just written this way #singularity.txt