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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

Text

Self-Degradation {Part 1}

TyKal - Tyler Jones x Kaliis Gilwraeth

Summary - Tyler having his ass saved by Saedii + the Andarael, then he fails to hit on Kal. Kal proceeds to have a mental breakdown.

Warnings - Mature language ??, angst, slight abuse (Saedii to Kal), self degrading/self hate (obviously), self harm (head hitting), destructive behaviour, me attempting to write a BPD/autism meltdown (self projection), internalised homophobia if you read between the lines

WC (wordcount) - ~1.5k (1492)

‘ He decides that, as much as he wants to follow him, the best choice is to leave Kal some breathing room. ’

——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/

“Saedii. Saedii! Pick up!” Tyler shouts down the comm channel. The escape pod is hurtling through the endless span of the galaxy at an alarming rate, and his ally is unresponsive.

A green flash emits from the comm unit, signalling that the channel was picked up by a new ship.

“Tyler.” A familiar voice, Saedii’s voice, echoes throughout the escape pod.

“Saedii.” He breathes. “Where are you? I can’t.. I can’t see your pod?”

“The Andarael picked me up.”

“Isn’t that your ship? who’s piloting?”

“Kaliis.”

“Oh.. Oh. As in your brother?”

“No, Tyler”

“Oh-”

“Yes, as in my brother.”

Saedii cusses something under her breath in Slydrathi, most likely an insult.

“For now. I’m going to tear him out of the captains chair the second you’re safe.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. We are approaching you. Latch onto my ship, we’re going to land in under two minutes.”

Once latched onto the Andarael, Tyler takes a glance through the windshield of his escape pod. He’s not sure what planet they’re approaching, but Saedii definitely wasn’t underestimating when she said under two minutes.

In fact, pretty much as soon as Tyler gets his thoughts in order, they touch down on whatever planet it is.

“Detach from my ship. My brother and I will meet you on the planet’s surface.”

The comms disconnect immediately after, so Tyler does as Saedii commands. He detaches from the Andarael, and exits the escape pod.

The airlock of the Andarael falls open, and Kal and Saedii exit the ship. Kal follows, soft-footed, behind his sister, with his eyes glued to the ground.

Tyler overs a slight wave, as Saedii slaps her brother on the back of the head. It looks soft enough, but judging by the way Kal’s features contort, it wasn’t.

“Kallis. Don’t be rude.”

He looks up, and nods softly, out of respect. “Tyler.” He acknowledges his presence, satisfying his sister just enough to escape another hit.

“Kal.” Tyler responds, nodding in return with a smile on his face.

“Follow us.” Saedii instructs. “Keep your eyes on the ground.”

The Slydrathi turn, and enter the ship. Tyler follows, adhering to Saedii’s warning. He tails them to the bridge and stands by the doorway while Kal takes a seat in the captains chair.

Well, tries to. Saedii is true to her word, grabbing him by the collar and actually throwing him to the ground.

Kal is to his feet before Tyler can even process the thought of moving towards him to help him up, and Kal takes a standing position next to him.

“Hi,” Tyler mutters under his breath, stepping closer to Kal as he speaks.

“Hi..” Kal whispers, slightly glancing down to the man standing next to him.

“Is Saedii always this.. this violent with you?”

“I believe so. I properly reunited with her recently, for the first time since I was 12, but I’m unsure if she’s gotten worse.”

“Oh. I- I’m.. sorry?”

“Don’t, Tyler. Don’t be. I bring it upon myself.”

“Wh- What?”

Tyler grabs Kal’s arm, trying to tug him out of the room. Kal stays put, his feet planted, until Tyler shoots him a rough glare, and he decides to let Tyler pull him away.

Kal slumps against the wall, sliding to the floor. “I deserve this, Tyler.”

“No you don’t. Kal, you don’t. You deserve to be happy.”

“I.. do not. This is my fault. I have brought this onto myself. It is not yours to worry about.”

“It is. It’s mine to worry about. Because you are my tank. You get hurt, it’s under my watch. It’s my responsibility. You are my responsibility.”

“I wish not to burden you.”

Tyler loses it then. The idea that Kal thinks of himself as a burden, the fact that he genuinely believes Tyler sees him as anything but a relieving presence, that he thinks Tyler would rather be anywhere but here with anyone but him, makes him fucking lose it.

Nearly. Nearly lose it. Tyler breathes in, with the so-called amazing self regulation that the legion councillor constantly praised, the so-called flawless self regulation that the Gilwraeth siblings could win the olympics in pushing the limits of. And he lets out that breath, kneeling next to the spot where Kal

sits.

Kal locks eyes with him, his brow furrowed. Tyler’s too close. And he knows he’s too close.

“You’re not a burden, Kal.”

“Fine.”

Tyler knows this isn’t over, at least not in Kal’s head. Mentally, he would have insisted he was a burden, placing the weight of the world onto the shoulders of anyone who dared to care for him. Would’ve repeated himself until Tyler agreed.

And of course, of course, he would agree. Because not even in the depths of Kal’s brain, not for one second, could he possibly believe that somebody could care about him. Not for one second would he even begin to come close to realising what Tyler is actually feeling.

“You’re not a burden”

“I’m agreeing with you.”

“No you aren’t”

“Fine. Convince me I’m not a burden. Tell me how I’m a decent person that deserves a decent life with decent people who like me a decent amount. Decent, Tyler, is the word that is used for someone when everybody knows they aren’t good enough to get anywhere in life. It’s the only word I’ve ever heard.”

“You don’t get it, Kal.”

“No, Tyler, of course I don’t get it. Because how could the golden boy and I ever have an equal understanding of the same concept.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean Tyler. What don’t I get?” He mocks.

“What you don’t get, Kal, is that I’m fucking in love with you.” Tyler practically snarls, despite himself.

Kal doesn’t believe it. At least not totally. His expression reads anger, yet Tyler has grown to understand that it means confusion.

“I love you, Kal. I have since I’ve meet you. As soon as I saw you, I knew that even though I missed the draft I still got the most perfect tank I could ever ask for.”

“Tyler.”

“Yes?” Tyler bites his lip, ready to back away if need be.

“I think, I think I might love you too.”

“You think?”

“Hmm, yes.”

Tyler lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and relaxes his posture. Kal looks up at him, his brow once again furrowed.

Tyler meets his eyes, and moves closer to him. As he does, Kal places his hand on Tyler’s lower back, pushing him closer. Their eyes meet, and Tyler’s face turns bright red.

Kal moves his hand away, sliding himself to the side to put distance between them. “Tyler. Um, I’m going to go to my quarters. I need to.. sit down for a bit, okay? Ask Saedii where to find me.. if you want.. I just. Whatever.” He stands, walking away.

Tyler quickly comes to his feet, debating whether or not he should chase after Kal. He decides that, as much as he wants to follow him, the best choice is to leave Kal some breathing room. He’ll ask Saedii where to go later.

Kal crosses his arms over his chest as he walks, strutting his way to his room. He steps through the doorway, slamming the door before falling back onto it.

He sinks to the floor, his hands resting on the top of his head. “Fuck. fuck. fuck!” He breaths, tugging on his hair.

He jumps back to his feet, walking to his bed just to kick it, then turning back to rest his crossed arms on the wall, just above his head, right next to the door.

He bashes his fist against the wall. A couple times. Multiple times. So, many, times.

“What the fuck was the point of that? what the FUCK. was I hoping to achieve?” Kal growls, slamming his head against the wall.

He kicks the wall, hard. “WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SAY ANY OF THAT?? WHY WOULD I DO ANY OF THAT. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG IN MY HEAD TO THINK THAT ANY, ANY OF THAT IS OKAY.”

He kicks the wall again.

“Why the fuck would I tell him that I think I love him. What is.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?”

Kal sinks to his knees, bashing his head on the wall many, many times. His palms come to rest on his face, as he leans himself parallel to the ground, panting.

“What is wrong with me?” he chokes, the feeling in his throat nearly cutting of his airways, the feeling in his stomach hinting that he’s about to puke.

He begins to sob, and he doesn’t completely know why. It’s certainly not because of the pain he seems to have inflicted on himself. No, he barely feels it. Because warriors do not get hurt that simply. He doesn’t think that it’s Tyler though. It shouldn’t be.

It shouldn’t be.

Why shouldn’t it be, exactly?

——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/

*~☠︎ KGK fanfics ☠︎~*

Wattpad : @ invisiblesweetheart

Ao3/Archive Of Our Own : @ crustskullz

Start date; ? • Post/Finish date; Apr 24

Pt.2 start date; Apr 25 • Pt.2 Post/Finish date; ? (estimated; May 14)

taglist; @vampire-majesty, @baddecisionsdotcom

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