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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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Self-Degradation {Part 1}

TyKal - Tyler Jones x Kaliis Gilwraeth

Summary - Tyler having his ass saved by Saedii + the Andarael, then he fails to hit on Kal. Kal proceeds to have a mental breakdown.

Warnings - Mature language ??, angst, slight abuse (Saedii to Kal), self degrading/self hate (obviously), self harm (head hitting), destructive behaviour, me attempting to write a BPD/autism meltdown (self projection), internalised homophobia if you read between the lines

WC (wordcount) - ~1.5k (1492)

‘ He decides that, as much as he wants to follow him, the best choice is to leave Kal some breathing room. ’

——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/

“Saedii. Saedii! Pick up!” Tyler shouts down the comm channel. The escape pod is hurtling through the endless span of the galaxy at an alarming rate, and his ally is unresponsive.

A green flash emits from the comm unit, signalling that the channel was picked up by a new ship.

“Tyler.” A familiar voice, Saedii’s voice, echoes throughout the escape pod.

“Saedii.” He breathes. “Where are you? I can’t.. I can’t see your pod?”

“The Andarael picked me up.”

“Isn’t that your ship? who’s piloting?”

“Kaliis.”

“Oh.. Oh. As in your brother?”

“No, Tyler”

“Oh-”

“Yes, as in my brother.”

Saedii cusses something under her breath in Slydrathi, most likely an insult.

“For now. I’m going to tear him out of the captains chair the second you’re safe.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. We are approaching you. Latch onto my ship, we’re going to land in under two minutes.”

Once latched onto the Andarael, Tyler takes a glance through the windshield of his escape pod. He’s not sure what planet they’re approaching, but Saedii definitely wasn’t underestimating when she said under two minutes.

In fact, pretty much as soon as Tyler gets his thoughts in order, they touch down on whatever planet it is.

“Detach from my ship. My brother and I will meet you on the planet’s surface.”

The comms disconnect immediately after, so Tyler does as Saedii commands. He detaches from the Andarael, and exits the escape pod.

The airlock of the Andarael falls open, and Kal and Saedii exit the ship. Kal follows, soft-footed, behind his sister, with his eyes glued to the ground.

Tyler overs a slight wave, as Saedii slaps her brother on the back of the head. It looks soft enough, but judging by the way Kal’s features contort, it wasn’t.

“Kallis. Don’t be rude.”

He looks up, and nods softly, out of respect. “Tyler.” He acknowledges his presence, satisfying his sister just enough to escape another hit.

“Kal.” Tyler responds, nodding in return with a smile on his face.

“Follow us.” Saedii instructs. “Keep your eyes on the ground.”

The Slydrathi turn, and enter the ship. Tyler follows, adhering to Saedii’s warning. He tails them to the bridge and stands by the doorway while Kal takes a seat in the captains chair.

Well, tries to. Saedii is true to her word, grabbing him by the collar and actually throwing him to the ground.

Kal is to his feet before Tyler can even process the thought of moving towards him to help him up, and Kal takes a standing position next to him.

“Hi,” Tyler mutters under his breath, stepping closer to Kal as he speaks.

“Hi..” Kal whispers, slightly glancing down to the man standing next to him.

“Is Saedii always this.. this violent with you?”

“I believe so. I properly reunited with her recently, for the first time since I was 12, but I’m unsure if she’s gotten worse.”

“Oh. I- I’m.. sorry?”

“Don’t, Tyler. Don’t be. I bring it upon myself.”

“Wh- What?”

Tyler grabs Kal’s arm, trying to tug him out of the room. Kal stays put, his feet planted, until Tyler shoots him a rough glare, and he decides to let Tyler pull him away.

Kal slumps against the wall, sliding to the floor. “I deserve this, Tyler.”

“No you don’t. Kal, you don’t. You deserve to be happy.”

“I.. do not. This is my fault. I have brought this onto myself. It is not yours to worry about.”

“It is. It’s mine to worry about. Because you are my tank. You get hurt, it’s under my watch. It’s my responsibility. You are my responsibility.”

“I wish not to burden you.”

Tyler loses it then. The idea that Kal thinks of himself as a burden, the fact that he genuinely believes Tyler sees him as anything but a relieving presence, that he thinks Tyler would rather be anywhere but here with anyone but him, makes him fucking lose it.

Nearly. Nearly lose it. Tyler breathes in, with the so-called amazing self regulation that the legion councillor constantly praised, the so-called flawless self regulation that the Gilwraeth siblings could win the olympics in pushing the limits of. And he lets out that breath, kneeling next to the spot where Kal

sits.

Kal locks eyes with him, his brow furrowed. Tyler’s too close. And he knows he’s too close.

“You’re not a burden, Kal.”

“Fine.”

Tyler knows this isn’t over, at least not in Kal’s head. Mentally, he would have insisted he was a burden, placing the weight of the world onto the shoulders of anyone who dared to care for him. Would’ve repeated himself until Tyler agreed.

And of course, of course, he would agree. Because not even in the depths of Kal’s brain, not for one second, could he possibly believe that somebody could care about him. Not for one second would he even begin to come close to realising what Tyler is actually feeling.

“You’re not a burden”

“I’m agreeing with you.”

“No you aren’t”

“Fine. Convince me I’m not a burden. Tell me how I’m a decent person that deserves a decent life with decent people who like me a decent amount. Decent, Tyler, is the word that is used for someone when everybody knows they aren’t good enough to get anywhere in life. It’s the only word I’ve ever heard.”

“You don’t get it, Kal.”

“No, Tyler, of course I don’t get it. Because how could the golden boy and I ever have an equal understanding of the same concept.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean Tyler. What don’t I get?” He mocks.

“What you don’t get, Kal, is that I’m fucking in love with you.” Tyler practically snarls, despite himself.

Kal doesn’t believe it. At least not totally. His expression reads anger, yet Tyler has grown to understand that it means confusion.

“I love you, Kal. I have since I’ve meet you. As soon as I saw you, I knew that even though I missed the draft I still got the most perfect tank I could ever ask for.”

“Tyler.”

“Yes?” Tyler bites his lip, ready to back away if need be.

“I think, I think I might love you too.”

“You think?”

“Hmm, yes.”

Tyler lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and relaxes his posture. Kal looks up at him, his brow once again furrowed.

Tyler meets his eyes, and moves closer to him. As he does, Kal places his hand on Tyler’s lower back, pushing him closer. Their eyes meet, and Tyler’s face turns bright red.

Kal moves his hand away, sliding himself to the side to put distance between them. “Tyler. Um, I’m going to go to my quarters. I need to.. sit down for a bit, okay? Ask Saedii where to find me.. if you want.. I just. Whatever.” He stands, walking away.

Tyler quickly comes to his feet, debating whether or not he should chase after Kal. He decides that, as much as he wants to follow him, the best choice is to leave Kal some breathing room. He’ll ask Saedii where to go later.

Kal crosses his arms over his chest as he walks, strutting his way to his room. He steps through the doorway, slamming the door before falling back onto it.

He sinks to the floor, his hands resting on the top of his head. “Fuck. fuck. fuck!” He breaths, tugging on his hair.

He jumps back to his feet, walking to his bed just to kick it, then turning back to rest his crossed arms on the wall, just above his head, right next to the door.

He bashes his fist against the wall. A couple times. Multiple times. So, many, times.

“What the fuck was the point of that? what the FUCK. was I hoping to achieve?” Kal growls, slamming his head against the wall.

He kicks the wall, hard. “WHY THE FUCK WOULD I SAY ANY OF THAT?? WHY WOULD I DO ANY OF THAT. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG IN MY HEAD TO THINK THAT ANY, ANY OF THAT IS OKAY.”

He kicks the wall again.

“Why the fuck would I tell him that I think I love him. What is.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?”

Kal sinks to his knees, bashing his head on the wall many, many times. His palms come to rest on his face, as he leans himself parallel to the ground, panting.

“What is wrong with me?” he chokes, the feeling in his throat nearly cutting of his airways, the feeling in his stomach hinting that he’s about to puke.

He begins to sob, and he doesn’t completely know why. It’s certainly not because of the pain he seems to have inflicted on himself. No, he barely feels it. Because warriors do not get hurt that simply. He doesn’t think that it’s Tyler though. It shouldn’t be.

It shouldn’t be.

Why shouldn’t it be, exactly?

——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/——/

*~☠︎ KGK fanfics ☠︎~*

Wattpad : @ invisiblesweetheart

Ao3/Archive Of Our Own : @ crustskullz

Start date; ? • Post/Finish date; Apr 24

Pt.2 start date; Apr 25 • Pt.2 Post/Finish date; ? (estimated; May 14)

taglist; @vampire-majesty, @baddecisionsdotcom

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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I’m writing a sentence about Kal walking and I can js picture the Effie Stonem walk. Like bro has a lil zest to him idk.

*~☠︎ KGK fanfictions <3 ☠︎~*

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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I have a kal x auri oneshot that’s almost finished!! comin very soon I swear. (mostly) sfw version will be published on here and go into a currently unpublished WIP on Wattpad @ invisiblesweetheart and nsfw version will be posted on ao3 @ crustskullz

Edit;

I lied. I’m off my meds until the 23rd and I haven’t been able to bring myself to function for the past week, but as soon as I have time I will finish and publish the fic!! I have a TyKal WIP that’s making some decent progress though, lmk if you’re interested in a rough draft/oneshot/excerpt of that

*~☠︎ KGK fanfictions <3 ☠︎~*

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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I write way too much content that’s set in the time period of between the squad dumping Kal on Meridia and,, whatever canonically happens after that (I rarely reread the books in full, canon hurts me.) because there’s not enough time spacing,, anyway fanfiction scenario. Hear me out I talk a lot.

Context;

One of my favourite headcanons is that Meridia is just like; a planet of street food. Like food stalls everywhere, motels for people who’s ships are broken down, a mechanic here and there. It’s common knowledge that if you need somewhere to crash in between folding, if you need to refuel, if you have no idea what to do with your life, if your galley is empty, etc Meridia is the place to be.

This is because a lot of my post-squad 312, pre-unbroken Kal content comes from the fact that he works at this little coffee shop on Meridia, in the middle of one of the largest + most popular food courts on the place. (This also sparks a lot of OC content but not the time and place) anyway so wrapping this up, hear me out, onto the scenario, segue, etc etc

Actual scenario/fanfiction snippet/main text;

The rest of the squad (Tyler’s back n happy n healthy, don’t question that) are just chilling, smth happened with their control panel (totally not caused by the excessive amount of beverages spilt on it) and Finian and some rando family member (yk, Betraskean family tree) are trying to fix it (Finian is supposed to be helping. He isn’t.) Anyway they’re kinda just in the food court, n they notice Kal just trying to mind his business.

They think they notice him before he notices them (they don’t. He was ignoring them on purpose.) and they try to attract his attention by one of them acting all flirty with Auri. (Zila was violently against it, she was worried about messing with Kal’s feelings. Tyler didn’t stay at the table to hear the plan, he immediately went to try and start a conversation with Kal, because of his friendship with Saedii he was more understanding than the others. Scarlett made Finian do it instead of her because she finds it funny when Finian tries to flirt)

Like I said, Kal was ignoring them, but when Tyler was trying to talk to him he didn’t want to ostracise his only connection to his previous friends. He gave sharp answers, as few words as possible, everytime he looked at Tyler it made him look over at the table. He didn’t let himself look long enough to notice any weird behaviour, so they increased the obviousness slightly until he noticed.

Tyler eventually stopped talking when Kal started to seem uncomfortable with the conversation, but he wished they could have been more friendly with each other. Kal didn’t look at the table again, until he heard his be’shmai giggling because of [insert squad member]. He squinted his eyes in a scowl slightly, but tried to overlook it. He glared at the table a few times, especially as the flirting got more blatant.

They counted everytime he glared at them, finding it funny how ridiculously jealous he was. I mean, it is his fault, isn’t it? He didn’t have to lie, did he?

With Auris consent obviously, Fin got more obvious, being more touchy and having less distance. Kal’s anger bubbled in his stomach, and side eyed them more frequently, and less discreetly. Eventually Tyler noticed, looking over at the same time Kal did.

He assured him they were messing with him, and Kal told him he knew. He did know, of course. But he wasn’t sure. Even now, after Tyler confirmed it, a small part of his brain remained doubtful. Tyler was trying to avoid causing a scene. And that small part of his brain wanted to rip Finian limb from limb.

Kal was good at shoving that part of his brain down, had practiced it well. But he cannot get rid of it. It would be rude after all, it was a gift from his father. He cannot get rid of the way it made his stomach flip, his morals fade, his fists clench.

He holds a conversation with Tyler, as he serves people that approach the counter. Talks about how the squad is going. How it feels so much emptier without him there. Tyler quotes a conversation where Finian sarcastically said ‘Makes sense. He took up, what, 7 feet of space here? Zila and Auri combined can’t fill that.” Kal hypothetically corrects the statement, Finian was 4 inches off. He only takes up 6’8 feet of space.

Eventually, the only other staff member present in the food court notices Kal’s discomfort, the anger in his eyes when he glances towards a certain table, the way his fist squeezes the handle when he hands a cup of coffee to a customer, and decides it’s a perfect time return from her break and relieve him from his duty.

To Tyler’s delight, Kal sits on a stool next to him and continues their conversation. Auri and Fin get bored of not having his attention, and start giggling again.

Kal glances over, to find them kissing. Kissing. She’s his, and Finian’s kissing her. The irrational part of his brain, the one that takes after his father, nearly consumes him whole.

The part of his brain that has common sense, that knows that they’re messing with him, that knows that doing anything about it will only make his situation worse, barely has any impact anymore.

He’s full of anger, of thoughts of slitting Finian in half and flipping him inside out, of putting a hole in his chest and squeezing every drop of blood out of him, of kneeling on his back and grabbing him by the hair and smashing his face into the ground until his features are marred and unrecognisable by blood.

Tyler slides his hand under Kal’s chin, his thumb on his face, grounding him. He turns Kal’s face back to face him, and Kal lets him, yet his eyes don’t meet his, drifting to the ground instead. “They’re messing with you. You know that. They want your attention, to embarrass you.” Kal takes a soft, small breath. “Yes.” “You can’t give them what they want.” Kal’s eyes flick up to meet Tyler’s. “Yes.” He sighs, his hand coming to Tyler’s wrist.

“Don’t punch me, okay?” “Tyler,” Tyler’s hand slips from Kal’s chin to the side of his neck, moving as far as Kal’s grip allows.

Kal leans down, helping Tyler close the distance between them, their lips pressing against each other’s. The giggling from the rest of the squad dissipates.

Kal pulls Tyler’s hand off his neck as he pulls back. “Your ears-” Tyler starts, causing Kal to frown softly. “Shut up..” He mutters. “Sorry. Are you going to punch me?” Tyler says, tilting his head slightly. The action implies it was a genuine question, but his tone and smile don’t.

“No,” Kal whispers, his hand still wrapped over Tyler’s wrist. “I don’t think I am.”

Their lips meet again, more passionately. Tyler stands, gaining more control in the kiss, an attempt for dominance, despite Kal’s obvious power over him.

Auri leans back in her chair, Finian’s arm still over her shoulders. She bites her lip, crossing her arms over her chest, blatant jealousy on her face.

Extra notes;

This would be so much more articulated if I were to actually put it into a fanfiction, this is a hypothetical scenario instead of an actual snippet

Can you tell that I got way more into this halfway through?? The writing got so much more real

I love jealous Auri sm, she’s so jealous girl by Lana Del Rey

Finian absolutely humiliating himself when he tries to flirt with literally anyone and then absolutely rizzing the everloving fuck out of his friends is so canon, Scarlett would have been waiting for him to stumble over his words and start choking on air. (Don’t get be wrong he was so nervous when he first started talking but Auri was playing along the whole time, he eventually got more comfortable and started being a rizz god)

#auroracycles #auroraburning #aurorarising #kal gilwraeth #aurora o'malley #auroras end #aurora's end #fanfiction #finian de karran de seel #finian de seel #tyler jones #scarlett jones #zila madran

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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If I posted fanfiction on here would you read it

alternatively; Invisiblesweetheart on wattpad and crustskullz on AO3

#auroracycles #auroraburning #aurorarising #auroras end #aurora's end #fanfiction

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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“why are so many writers leaving tumblr”?

i don’t know.

support your writers. i don’t know how many times i have to say this but reblogs help more than likes. SUPPORT CONTENT CREATORS!!!! this shit is actually unacceptable. of course i appreciate likes. it tells me that you enjoyed reading my fics but re-blogging them helps my work reach other people. do your part.

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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me uploading a new fic and immediately looking at my activity:

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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more headcanons in general;

• Auri and Zila have autism. Zila stims by playing with her hair, earrings, and uniglass. Aurora does it by doing the hand flippy things and jumping/spinning in circles. Kal thinks this is the most adorable thing ever.

• (TRIGGER WARNING, SEXUAL ASSAULT) Kal and Saedii have sexual trauma from their father as well as physical + emotional. Kal is hypersexual (this part is self projection)

• Saedii is 100x more terrified of her brother than she would ever let on, because of his resemblance to their father. The members of squad 312 occasionally share this fear. They would never say it out loud.

• (TRIGGER WARNING, SELF HARM) Most if not all members of squad 312 struggle with mental health (obviously) and self harm. specifically Kal, Auri, and Zila.

• Zhang/Princeps is severely racist (species-ist?) towards non-terrans due to not understanding them and not having access to any explanation

• Ra’haam is unable to infect people beyond their physical form. Their conscious is still in there, co inhabiting with the ra’haam hive mind. This will sometimes show through actions and rarely even words, depending on the physical and mental strength of the body it is inhabiting

My favourite head canon concept:

Squad 312 sharing clothes

Scarlett sleeping in one of Kals hoodies

Zila coming to breakfast in Finian's hoodie and Tyler’s shorts

Fin wearing Auri's shirts BECAUSE they're too tight for him

Tyler wearing Kal's hoodie because he's gay and the smell comforts him

*insert one of the girls* being uncomfortable around a group of guys and Tyler making them wear his hoodie

please add

#auroracycles #auroraburning #aurorarising #kal gilwraeth #finian de karran de seel #finian de seel #aurora o'malley #zila madran #scarlett jones #tyler jones #saedii gilwraeth #aurora's end #headcanon #INTERSPECIES DISCRIMINATION #THATS WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR #PRINCEPS IS THAT

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 1 year

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when I’m lost in my world of aurora rising daydreaming and my dad calls me and I remember that Aurora is my name and not just the protagonist of my favourite book series

#auroracycles #aurorarising #auroraburning #aurora o'malley #auroras end

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 2 years

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Tyler: Aren’t you a feminist?!?

Kal, turning up 3Oh!3: not musically

#tyler jones #kal gilwraeth #Aurora cycles #auroraburning #aurorarising #squad 312 #3oh!3 #feminist

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kaliisgilwraethkinnie · 2 years

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Unpublished fanfiction snippet. Read it.

“Keep. Running” Zhang Jie-Lin snarls as they take a sharp corner head-on. “We’re not the ones struggling!” Kal whispers in a shout, gesturing for both Tyler and Zhang to move forward.

“Quiet” Tyler practically growls as he gives up and speeds past them. Kal nudges the bicentennial slowpoke ahead of him, and starts cautiously jogging, keeping an acute level of awareness on the psychopath Slydrathi girl trailing them.

Thank the maker for Finian and Aurora’s impromptu ‘technical issue’. Otherwise they’d be long gone. Drakkon food. At least Zhang would be. Kal was at least 50% sure he could outrun his sister just long enough to lose her, and he’d be willing to place money on her picking her battles with Tyler.

Toying with the idea of ditching him, the ideal hiding spot was nearly lost. Ty half-heartedly pulled them in to a supply closet, and the ventilation shaft above them was clearly built for uniforms on the burlier side. They should fit through… in theory.

The theory held true in the end, even though it took a reasonable amount of time. An unpredicted phenomenon, however, was Tyler Jones’ claustrophobia, and it was an anxiety attack-inducing level. “Tyler. Tyler.” It was an attempt for him to focus on something else. Point to Kal.

“Shut up- shut up- shut up-” it was directed at Tyler’s contagious panic breaths. No point for Zhang. “Wait- hold on.” Ok, possible point for Zhang? What has he got up his sleeve?

He pulls a tangle of hair elastics out of his pocket, separates one, and tells Tyler “tangle it” he does, repeatedly. It helps. Point for Zhang.

“Is that… really that easy?” Kal digs a frown. “Mhm. My daughters have- had- did have- those a lot. Something from their mum, I think.. Anyway, I’d give them something small and quiet to play with. When I left, I took a few with me. They’re the last thing I remember before… I think I carry them with me to remember Callie. And Aurora too, I guess.”

He refuses to meet Kal’s eyes. “That’s…” the Slydrathi murmurs. “That’s sad..” he says, tugging on the cuffs of his jeans.

#kal gilwraeth #tyler jones #auroracycles #aurorarising #auroraburning #fanfiction #anxiety #anxiety attack

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