#AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

What was the last song that AWTR Lexa sang? Can Clarke still bear to listen to this song after her passing?

Auld Lang Syne

Or well, parts of it.

By late December that year, Lexa was already not doing well. She'd long since lost her appetite and the holidays had taken a lot out of her. But she tried to be up for the turn of the New Year. Because she'd made it. Another trip around the sun.

In the last year she's refound the love of her life and somehow tricked the little troublemaker into marrying her. She'd made friends - actual real friends, ones who cared. She'd swam in the ocean and picked apples from a dozen different orchards and got felt up in the backseat of a car as though she was living some teenage cliche. She had naked breakfast in bed and didn't sleep alone and remembered what it felt like when someone who loved her kissed her forehead after braiding her hair. She had her first date and first kiss and found what it actually meant to live. She found her best friend. The kind of best friend she used to dream about finding all those days spent as a lonely child, wishing someone would just see her. The best friend who just so happened to be her first and last love as well. All rolled into one. All in one very, very good year.

She had a lot to celebrate.

Just, not a lot of energy left to do it.

So sipped her sparkling cider while Clarke got more rosy cheeked from her champagne, and enjoyed the tart taste of the bubbles on her tongue when they kissed at midnight. And while Abby and Kane and Gus and Raven and the few other Griffins who had overstayed their welcome from Christmas cheers-ed and hugged, Lexa sat bundled up on her dad's couch and sang a few quiet lines to her wife. Barely loud enough for anyone other than her to hear over the screen of other kissing couples packed into Times Square as they rang in a New Year.

Every year after that, NYE is a hard day for Clarke because after a few years, she starts to understand why Lexa had pushed herself to stay up and join in and be merry that night. Why she had pulled Clarke down to sit with her and effortlessly made herself the focus of Clarke's entire world in that moment. Why she had sung that exact song, and those exact lines to only her.

It was her saying, in her very Lexa-way, "Don't worry, you won't forget me. And I certainly won't forget you. We'll meet again, someday, old friend."

#heda-in-the-clouds #speaking of shitheads #i wondered when you'd be back #😤 #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis #AWTR

[heda-in-the-clouds]

8% is being way to kind. I’d say a solid 30% at least is more deserving of the pain that will be inflicted.

Wait a minute. Why is the angst and pain tax rising for me? You haven't even seen anything yet. I merely suggested an idea to @butmakeitgayblog that fit the narrative for AWTR Lexa. I prefer the 8% from @karmensandiegowashere

#awtr synopsis #clexa #bottom-lexa #butmakeitgayblog #karmensandiegowashere

[butmakeitgayblog]

Hi lovely, please write AWTR Lexa's obituary and shatter my heart

I hate you 💕

(Blame them for this not me I'm innocent)

The obituary Clarke wrote

And funeral card 😔

#heda in the clouds #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

Loving all the #awtr synopses! Thank you for indulging us 🥰 Would you be able to share one of the 365 letters that Lexa wrote to Clarke in the care package? Maybe one of those letters that Clarke return to over and over again?

You are a glutton for punishment

I like you 😈

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Dearest,

Each letter I start feels so awkward in the beginning. As though the blank page itself were mocking me. All bumbling sentences and half-formed thoughts vying for my attention, because how does one get to the point when there's so many things between us left to say? A lifetime worth of words live on the point of this pen, all yearning and jumbled in their haste to be written first. Each one wanting nothing more than to jump right into the thick of it; into the thick of being part of a lifetime with you.

And yet here I sit, struggling with exactly where to start.

I suppose I could begin with the most mundane part of this idea: the actual point of this letter. Forcing myself to tackle the 'why' of the whole reason you picked this one in particular sounds like the smart move here... Assuming, of course, you didn't tear through them all the first second you got... *wifely sigh* If that is the case, don't feel too bad. Your lack of patience is, bafflingly, one of the many things I love so fiercely about you.

You're 30 today.

30!

My wife is 30. I love hearing how that sounds. The thought alone makes my heart skip a beat. (In a decidedly joyous way, I assure you, as it so often does whenever you wander yourself across my mind.) You're 30 now. An honest God adult in every measure, and truthfully that blows my mind because I still vividly remember seeing you for the first time when we were only children. It was drizzling and you'd crashed into me on the playground while running, and I—

Well, you've heard this story enough times before, but my point remains.

You're sleeping peacefully as I write this. Safe and warm in my bed. Tucked to me so tight I can barely hold the pen well enough to get these words out, and yet all I can envision when I look over and see the youth of your face is who you will be when this letter reaches you.

Know, in every version of 'you' my brain tirelessly cooks up, you are as beautiful then as you are right now. If not more so.

I envision that same smile, with those lips that sweeten my dreams, nestled in the crest of newly discovered laugh lines. I see the kindness of your eyes in every universe, my love. The way those same stubborn and fierce blues that take my breath away hold a depth of wisdom far beyond your (30!!) years. You told me once how you hated your beauty mark as a kid, but my goodness, the things I do to wrap my lips around it. Believe it or not, I secretly have impeccable aim. Stop laughing, I do. It's just too tempting. I can't even begin to resist. And your chin! Your wonderul chin, that was surely made to hold my thumb so perfectly each time I kiss you. I imagine it's somewhat sharper now. More refined. More dignified.

Tell me, love. Does it hold another's thumb now?

It should. It deserves to be cherished.

I find myself so often in these quiet moments before sleep thinking of who you are - who you will be - at these stages of your life. And while I know in my heart I'll be right there with you when these times come, smiling and cheering you on along the way, for now, I am left woefully guessing.

I write this all to say: I hope you are happy. I hope you have a life filled with more love than you know what to do with. I hope it makes you feel even a tenth as timeless as your love made me feel. Being loved by you is a miraculous thing in that way.

It's funny, as I've written these letters, I already feel as though I've lived an entire lifetime with you. And even then, it's still not enough. In the earlier ones I worried so much, as I'm sure you remember (again, that's assuming you actually followed the directions for a change and didn't binge them all at once), but I find myself writing this one in particular entirely calm. Make no mistake, I still feel the urge to dote on you. To fuss at you as I do with questions of 'have you drank enough today? Eaten enough? Take a nap with me, dear. You never seem to get enough sleep.' I will always worry about these things no matter where we are in the universe. But understand, love, it's only because I wish to take care of you.

Not that you need it. You've never needed me to take care of you, but I'm so very grateful you let me try all the same.

You're gonna do great things, Griffin. I already know it, but for posterity's sake, I'll write it just to have one final 'told ya so' moment with you. I hope your life is so damn big now that you look back on the walls of this room that held our love in its sanctuary, and it impresses you how we managed to fit the both of us in here along with it. I hope with each dream you accomplish, it's replaced only by what great thing comes next for you. Because while the world is cold and terrifying and beats us down in so many ways, I know you, my darling girl. I know you're the one who can always best it.

I love you, Clarke. I've loved you since before I knew I could have you, and I'm going to love you long after I'm gone. I hope I made you know that in the time we had together, well enough to last this lifetime and into the next. I'll be here, love. Patiently waiting for you to crash into me again.

Wherever you are in this moment, know that I am so proud of the woman you've become. I want you to spend every last second of today celebrating the wonderful, stubborn, charming, passionate, fearless, tender person you are.

Don't ever let that fire inside of you die. I couldn't bear it. The world needs more people like you.

Lord knows I sure did.

Thank you for teaching me what selfless love is. Loving you made me a better person. And I'd like to think I played at least a little part in helping you become who you are too. So celebrate today. And every single day after. I mean it. You deserve it.

Until we meet again,

- Lexa

P.s. Have a whiskey sour for me 🖤

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

With Lexa quickly becoming weaker and sicker, how did their last time being intimate together feel like? Did they have a feeling that this would be their last time and wanted to savor the moment?

Of course they didn't know.

It was one of those things they couldn't have known. It's like the last time you tie the laces on your favorite old pair of shoes, or the last time your parents picks you up and carries you to bed. It was just one of those things you take for granted because it feels so much like home you never imagine it not being a part of your life, and it's only later that you realize that it was the last time.

Fuck, the amount of times Clarke wishes she would've known.

She would've taken more time.

Would've stretched the evening out longer.

Would've lived without those few extra hours of sleep. Because Lexa had been fading and every day was becoming a struggle, but she'd still pulled Clarke into her with that same hunger that seemed to light her up from the inside.

And Clarke remembers so clearly looking down at her wife as she'd sat silent and hopeful on the edge of their bed. Face washed in the glow of the late afternoon sun with a questioning in her eyes. That questioning look of "Do you still want this? Want me?" "Is it ok for me to ask for this, even though I'm not... not like I used to be?" The way her eyes looked so pale under the marbled purple of her eyelids, the grey pools of them pleading with her, as if saying, "I'm hurting, and I need you, baby. Make me forget a little while?"

And she had. Or at least tried to. Clarke wishes she'd taken a moment to ask. But she'd done everything she could think of to make Lexa feel whole. Like she was loved. Like she was a person again.

So she kissed her and undressed her and smiled with wolfish intent as she guided them both up the bed. She nipped at her chin and ran her teeth along that fucking immaculate jaw, and cackled at Lexa's whines when she'd make her chase her lips for a proper kiss. She sucked marks to her bellybutton, hipbones, and thighs, and bathed in the surprised sound of Lexa's laughter when she smacked a palm to her ass.

She moaned when Lexa smeared some of her slick across the tender peaks of Clarke's nipples, and then dutifully sucked them clean. Tasting herself on Lexa's tongue always felt like a damn gift from heaven, but tasting her wife's come on those plump lips was somehow even better. They held hands and worked each other up. Begged for more fingers to feel more full. They teased and joked and hid smiles into the soft skin of each other's necks, and very much made each other forget for awhile.

It was that middle ground they always revelled in - not quite sensual, never just fucking. It was both playful and intense. Both sweat soaked climaxes and smiles so big their teeth clicked through their kissing. Because Clarke wasn't just making love to her wife, she was enjoying intimacy, closeness, and healing with her best friend.

If she'd known that would be the last time they got to have that - the last time she would feel that joy with Lexa - she would've stayed wrapped in that moment longer. Now all she has is memories of loving her wife for the last time that she didn't know was the last time...

#heda in the clouds #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

Ok as much as im loving it (as im crying)! I want some snippets from the secret alternate happy ending where Lexa lives AWTR

Oh in the happy alt version Clarke's a bone marrow match 💁‍♀️

When she falls for Lexa and then finds out she's sick, she gets herself tested and she's a match. There's still a long road to go for Lexa's treatments and chemotherapy and then recovery, but they make it through. Together.

Lexa eventually goes to college and graduates with a masters degree in political science. Clarke switches her major from art to internal medicine and ultimately focuses on oncology. Because well, that's what saved her girlfriend's life. They eventually get married, but it's not until after their junior year of college. What with Lexa's dream career as a political strategist beginning to take shape and Clarke standing on the edge of heading on to medical school, they decide it's better to do it now than waiting around for some vague finish line in the distance.

They settle down on the east coast, close to the capital of course, for Lexa's work, but still only a mildly inconvenient car ride away from their parents and hometown. They eventually adopt a daughter and then twin boys a couple years after that, and when they add a dog to the mix they decide that's more than enough to make their little family whole.

See? Alternate happy ending

#nbtwndreamz-blog #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

Because I'm sad tonight just end me: how long does eventually live Lexa after getting married to Clarke?

Challenge accepted?

They get married in late August, and Clarke lays her to rest at the very beginning of the following spring in March. Which was longer than any of the doctors had imagined possible, but Lexa seemed pretty determined to spend at least one Christmas and Valentine's day together 😔.

They go apple picking in the fall and carve pumpkins for the window display at the shop and take a week long road trip along the coast to see all the fiery range of foliage. They dress up as Peter Pan and an extremely appreciated sluttier version of Wendy for Halloween just to get tipsy on hard apple cider on the front porch while handing out candy to the neighborhood kids.

For Christmas they make new stockings together and watch White Christmas and Meet Me in St. Louis and every other classic holiday movie that is vaguely musical on repeat just so Clarke can make Lexa sing a long to every song. They exchange gifts and bake cookies that Lexa doesn't really have the appitite to eat, but that's alright. It's more just to make the memories together anyway. Clarke manages to talk Lexa into making a little pair of sapphic snow angels in the yard, aaaand then spends the rest of the evening warming a very shivery Lexa back up by the Griffin's home fire 🤦🏼‍♀️

For Valentine's Lexa employs Abby and Gus of all people to go to the store in the city for her to get bags of tiny chocolates and those little cards kids give each other in grade school. 365 little valentines to be exact, and yes she makes her father count them for her - twice -, and she writes loving notes and sweet words of devotion for her wife. She puts them in box along with a thick stack of letters wrapped in a satin bow, each labeled with a day or an age or a big life event written in her elegant script across the top of the envelope. And she makes Clarke sit with her on the bed because she doesn't have a lot of leftover strength by then, and she explains her thoughts with her gift.

She explains that she knows the next year will probably get pretty dark at times. But that even on the bad days, when everything feels hopeless, and ugly, and bitter, Clarke will still always deserve to enjoy the small things in life. To take at least one moment each day and allow herself to enjoy the little things that make living just a little bit sweeter. And she explains that while maybe the letters feel a tiny bit morbid ("I really went back and forth on these. I didn't want it to feel like I was talking to you from beyond the grave 🤨" as Lexa puts it very seriously), they're meant to be little reminders that no matter what happens, Lexa is right there with her every step of the way. She says her favorite thing in the world has always been books (yes yes besides Clarke of course 😏🙄 "I can't believe I agreed to marry you. You're so full of yourself") because she believes something magical happens in the process of putting words on pages. That she believes when you take the time to put down your thoughts and your feelings onto paper, you leave a little piece of your soul scattered among the words. And now she knows Clarke will have these pieces of her, along with all her support and all of her love. And that on the big days of Clarke's future... like her graduation, or getting her dream job... getting remarried, maybe one day having kids... That should Clarke ever need or want to hear how proud she is of her, everything Lexa feels for her is just an envelope away.

Suffice it to say, it's a very love filled seven months...

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

Stopppp that yearbook photoshop is so good she looks so pretty 🥺 I actually really like your idea for a walk to remember au, I like that it happens after college and that Clarke was only a normal amount of asshole in high school and not a giant asshole lol what other things did you think for the au? Like how does their first date happen?

Well their first date would happen after Clarke blows Lexa off.

After a few weeks of her bumming around the bakery daily to read and get a head start on studying for the upcoming semester of grad school (which Lexa has begrudgingly yet graciously been helping her with since, somehow, she seems to have a working knowledge on just about any damn topic Clarke can think of). And so it was an admittedly shit head move when Clarke had been out having lunch with a couple old friends from high school and saw Lexa stop at the same spot. When Lexa had paused when she saw her and took step toward the group to smile and wave. When Clarke had immediately looked away and pretended like she didn't know her, like she hadn't seen her standing there at all. Like she hadn't seen and didn't die a little inside when that lopsided smile broke and shuttered behind a cool look of realization.

Basically when, instead of acting like a decent 23 year old woman with some damn manners, Clarke had acted like it was grade school, middle school, and high school all over again.

And so, she has some making up to do. Because when she slinks back into Gus's the next day, it is to zero fanfare. No warmness or exasperated smile at the sound of the tinkling bell marking her arrival. No usual coffee order already waiting for her. Certainly no free muffin waiting on a well-loved dish that she'd grown quite fond of as of late.

It's all steely eyes and clenched jaw. Lexa barely sparing a glance up from whatever newest book she was reading that day. Just silence soaked in disdain, only broken by the sound of a pointedly flipped page.

And that really fuckin sucks.

So Clarke does what Clarke does best. She turns on the charm. The smooth words and playful banter and the patented Griffin Grin, and and and... and not one single bit of it works.

Shit.

It takes her a bit figure out what to do because honestly she doesn't know if she's ever felt more miserable in her life. Not having her days filled with that humming and those terrible jokes and that voice that is entirely more lovely than it had any right to be. Which weird, because this is Lexa— intimidating, sweet, dorky, brilliant, nerdy, gorgeous Lexa. The one she kind of wants to be around all the time now and hates herself for her knee jerk reaction over.

And so she does the only other thing she can really think of to do.

Make an absolute ass out of herself.

Humble herself at Lexa's doorstep and hope at some point she'll edge the door open and welcome her back in.

And by humble herself, I mean post her ass up outside the bakery every waking hour she gets. Making sad puppy eyes through the window, forehead pressed sorrowfully against the glass. Painting a fancy new chalk sandwich board for the shop and adding more and more ridiculous things onto "the daily specials" in the hope just to make Lexa laugh (while not potentially getting maimed by Gus himself 😬)

It takes a minute but eventually Lexa just gets kinda fed up with it one day and goes outside with every intention to tell her to just go home. But somewhere in her tirade Clarke snaps back too, until they're both glaring at each other on the front curb of Gus's shop. Well... glaring as Clarke backs Lexa up against the display.

More accurately, glaring as Clarke backs Lexa up against the display window, all while telling Lexa that she's sorry and that she's more than proven that she's sorry. That she'll invite every damn friend she ever had in high school there right now just so they can witness her say how much she likes spending time with Lexa, and misses her, and how she's been miserable since the last time they talked because she can't really remember the last time she was as happy as she's been sitting in that cramped little bookstore, listening to Lexa teach her the most random things about the world in between bouts of singing to herself while she stocks.

It honestly is a blessing when Lexa shuts her up with a kiss. Just a little one. Hesitant barely more than a brush of her lips.

And fuck, with how big and hopeful and absolutely terrified those eyes look when Lexa pulls back, the words "Go on a date with me" are out of Clarke's mouth before she can even register them herself

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

Can you write awtr and break our hearts over and over again with Clarke knowing full well what she signed up for when she chooses to be Lexa’s wife? Did Lexa ever wish that she could spare Clarke the heartache of becoming an eventual widow? 💔

Of course she did 🥺

From the beginning it was always Lexa who assumes this thing between them is finite.

That's basically how the proposal comes about.

Because earlier in the day when she'd been talking to Gus and he had brought up the subject of Clarke, their conversation had come to a rather acrimonious end because she already knew everything he was trying to say. And so when she meets Clarke at the diner and they share a salad (her choice) and a shake (Clarke's 😏🙄), it's with every intention to get everything out on the table. They've had a great summer together but things are winding down now and she knows what part of their story has to come to next.

Except... When she asks when Clarke is planning on heading back to school, says she hopes she hasn't been dragging her feet with it because she's heard that grad classes fill up fast, Clarke just smiles and looks at her like she's gone crazy because, "Lex, I'm not going back."

Which is insane. Because of course she is. Because she's worked too hard to just give up now. Because she'd thought Clarke was over this self sabotaging act and gotten serious about what she wants in life. And, ok yes they've been slacking on her early studies the last couple of weeks what with all of The Sex, but it's not like Clarke will actually be behind when she gets there—

It takes Clarke roughly 4 sighs and sitting through the tirade with a level of patience she generally doesn't possess to get Lexa to shush up long enough to explain, "I'm not quitting, baby, I'll go back eventually. But I've already talked to my advisor and gotten everything in order... I'm taking a year long break from school. I'm staying here with you."

Dismay is Lexa's first reaction. Because how can Clarke say that and still be looking at her so lovingly?

Feeling sick to her stomach is her second reaction, though to be fair that might in part have to do with the half quart of milkshake she'd just ingested.

Crying, wanting to cry. That is her third reaction. Because Clarke can't do this. She can't throw away everything she's worked for just for h— Just for this.

But Clarke, stubborn and exasperatingly bullheaded Clarke apparently has very much thought out how she wants her life to go. So she sits Lexa down at 'their' table at Gus's and tells her in no uncertain terms what she plans.

"I want to marry you. I'd do it tonight if I could, but I'm fairly sure that's unrealistic. But whatever you decide, whenever you decide, I need you to know that I want this with you. The sooner, the better," she says with zero hesitation. And it's such a surreal moment for Lexa.

This girl who Lexa had spent the better part of her life pining over on so many of her loneliest days, the girl who'd eternally felt so far out of reach and who'd never give Lexa the time of day, is telling her she wants her. That she wants to be with her for as long as she can have her, in sickness and in health, however long of each that may be. Telling her that it wouldn't matter if they had a day together or a year, or ten years, or twenty more after that waiting for them down the line. That she'd still want to marry her. Right here, right now. Telling her that marriage and commitment isn't about getting a 'good' or 'bad' deal out of things because she knows by those standards, she'd always be fighting a losing battle. But for her, being with Lexa, it's about wanting to be bonded to her forever. To put in the work of loving and caring for her right up until the... Till the end...

Nothing else in the world matters. Everything else feels so small compared to them. And even when faced with the reality that if they do this, if Lexa says yes and that she will be a widow within a year, Clarke doesn't seem to have to think at all about her answer.

"I know what it means. And it doesn't change anything for me. I know what I want, Lexa... I want you."

And for Clarke, it really is that simple.

Lexa never had a chance of arguing with that.

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis #when Lexa says she doesn't want to become Clarke's excuse to quit on the rest of her life #Clarke just gives her that stupid smug grin she loves to hate and hates to love #and says with far too much swagger 'who knows baby. maybe we'll find your miracle after all' #out of everything... that's the moment that haunts Clarke forever

[butmakeitgayblog]

How was Clarke and Lexa's first time together in AWTR? Was it bittersweet knowing they have a limited time to experience this

Not bittersweet, but only because Lexa's illness was almost the last thing on either of their minds 😅

It's after a rather special and sweet date night.

Clarke takes Lexa to the town movie night, one of those things where they set up a big projector and play a movie in the park for anyone who wants to show up.

She packs them a couple picnic blankets and brings the bug spray, while Lexa's self-appointedly in charge of smuggling in the popcorn and lemonade instead of letting Clarke buy them from the stand Mr. Goodel puts up every year because, as Lexa had decreed with chin held loftily in the air, "His prices are exorbitant, Clarke. It isn't even for charity or a fund drive, it's just a racket. We are not paying six dollars for junk food." (Clarke's heart squeezes a little tighter at being one half of their thrifty-minded 'we'. So she just nods goes with it). It's an evening she knows she'll always remember. Watching the movie cuddled together under a blanket of stars. Soaking up the feeling of Lexa nestled in the space between her legs, relaxing peacefully back against her chest, safe and cozy in her arms. Kissing the intricate little braids that decorate her temple for every one of Lexa's sighs at the lovers on screen because Clarke knows she must've taken extra time to look pretty for her that night.

They get a few odd looks and side-eyes from a few choice townfolk and old friends, what with being so wrapped up in each other, but being the respective daughters of Take-No-Shit Gus and the only doctor in town, they go the whole evening without being bothered.

And Clarke fully thinks that's it.

Another successful date night in the books.

Except...

When they climb back into her car, Lexa seems to have other plans.

Because as soon as she's looked around to see if they're alone, Lexa reaches over and captures Clarke into a kiss. Deepens it. Coaxes Clarke to open up to her with a flick of her tongue. Runs her hands all over every bit of Clarke she can get. It's a little clumsy, but what she lacks in experience and grace she more than makes up for in enthusiasm. And it takes Lexa swiftly climbing over the gearshift and accidentally beeping the steering wheel's horn with her ass as she straddles Clarke's lap for her brain to finally catch up to what's happening.

The girl is like a tornado. A limber one, Clarke gives her credit for. And once she gets something into her mind it becomes damn near impossible to change it.

But also? Messy and quick in the driver's seat of her honda civic is not how Clarke pictured making love to Lexa for the first time. Lexa deserves better. And she's headstrong enough that she'll be damned if she'll allow it to play out like this no matter how persuasive the feel of Lexa's mouth sucking marks along her neck is.

So. Her girlfriend may be stubborn, but so she is.

They're a good match like that.

Because even Lexa's kiss-plumped lips panting a deliciously humid, "I want you," against Clarke's mouth isn't enough to deter her. It's not enough to stop her from slowing things down and checking that Lexa really wants what she's saying.

Lexa's sighed, "I've thought about being with you since I was 17, Clarke. I think I've waited long enough," is pretty convincing.

And also,,, very eye opening.

But she'll circle back to that at a later date.

It's a, ahem, a rough ride out to the city. Clarke struggling to keep her eyes on the road and the speedometer under 80. Because, fuck, Lexa is apparently determined to take them both out with the way she keeps leaning over to press kisses along the hinge of Clarke's neck and nibble at her ear. Her hand rubbing along Clarke's thigh is just plain unnecessary and distracting.

But she gets them there in one piece when they pull up to the nicest hotel her credit card limit would allow (not that she'd specifically researched nearby hotel prices and drive times and had them all bookmarked in descending in her tabs or anything weird and desperately horny like that) Their room is nice. Clean sheets and the air smells like a sweet, floral perfume. The bed is bigger than anything Clarke's ever slept in and honestly it's all a little intimidating.

But then there's Lexa.

Sweet, defiant Lexa, who she can tell is trying very hard to look entirely unaffected, save for the nervous little fingers plucking her sweater's bottom hem.

"I'm realizing I never considered how to get from A to B," is her contemplative response when Clarke asks what that beautiful brain is thinking. And unfortunately, despite slowly becoming an expert in the subject over the past several weeks, Clarke has to admit that she has no idea what that means in Lexa-ese. "In my head," Lexa elaborates as the tips of her ears spike a delicate shade of pink, "It was always me kissing you, and us agreeing that we wanted to have—... But, now I'm realizing I always mentally jumped to the middle. When we're already... naked in bed."

It's so adorably innocent. Or, it would be, if it weren't for the dark, ravenous look in Lexa's eyes as she basically tells Clarke without telling her that she'd very much fantasized about fucking her at some point in the past.

The thought makes Clarke's mouth go dry.

Tucking that piece of information away for a rainy day, Clarke stepped up and took the reins. Didn't make a production out of it, scared of making this precious thing feel foolish when all she wanted in the world to was to make her feel as blissful, worshiped, and cared for as she possibly could. So she shows that it's not that hard, the whole "getting from A to B" part, as she kisses her and slowly undresses them piece by piece until they're bare.

And there's something devastating about seeing her like that, about laying Lexa down on the white sheets that contrast so beautifully with the pale rose of her skin. Clarke doesn't comment on the bruises. Takes Lexa's hands and slips into the gaps between her fingers when Lexa instinctively moves to cover them up. Instead she kisses each and every one. Loves them as thoroughly as she loves every other part of Lexa's body. All the purpled blooms marking hips, biceps, and belly; little reminders of the truth that refuses to wait for them speckled across the hourglass of Lexa's body.

She makes love to Lexa as tenderly as she can with vows to go slow and be gentle. Which she does. But "not too gentle," as Lexa had breathlessly requested when Clarke coaxed her legs open and settled into the warmth there. She nibbles lines down Lexa's neck and licks the sweat dappled valley between her breasts, tastes the cherry of her nipples and leaves her own sweet lip shaped bruises there too. Clarke kisses her deeply as she makes Lexa come on the swirls of her fingers, and then again after Lexa spills over the insistent lapping of her tongue between her thighs. There's something divine in the way those thighs clamp around her head when Lexa's chest rises and falls, back bowing off the bed as she shakes apart with the force of her pleasure.

And Lexa's a spent pile of very sexy bones and sweat when Clarke manages to crawl her way back up, dropping kisses wherever she feels like, just because she knows she can. Just because Lexa sleepily moans with each and every one, and it's impossible to stop the buck of her hips when Lexa sucks the taste of herself from Clarke's tongue.

To think, she once believed this girl was incapable of any kind of sensuality. Which is so painfully untrue when Lexa finds a second wind and flips them over. In the way green eyes sparkle with lust and want. Clarke's already so worked up she doesn't think it'll take much, but Lexa seems determined to enjoy giving just as much as she did recieving.

That sweetly earnest face asking Clarke to tell her when something feels good makes Clarke feel like she's the one who might meet her maker first from the swell of love she feels for this girl, in all her pure 'adorable-mess' overload. But she just smiles and nods. Reaches up and tucks back some of that wild volume of freshly-fucked-curls that curtains her face and lets Lexa know in no uncertain terms, "Believe me, baby. You'll know."

And Lexa takes her with meticulous hands and lips, just the same as she does with everything else in her life. Resolutely. Fearlessly. Like she's making love to Clarke mind, body, and soul.

She spends an inordinate amount of time lavishing attention on Clarke's breasts. Which, just going off their previously handsy makeouts among the stacks of the bookshop? Really is no surpise there. Bites to the undersides leave rosy blooms in her wake. You'd think Lexa was the one being worshipped with the way her eyes close in ecstasy every time her tongue laps languid circles around Clarke's nipple.

They go until the sun crests over the trees that blot the city below. More orgasms and shared sighs and love-drunk bouts of laughter than either cares to count. All that matters the sweet exhaustion as they lay wrapped up in each other. Lexa streched out on her stomach across sweat and arousal soaked sheets, drifting somewhere between awake and a twilight snooze in the orange-bronzed blaze of the morning sun. Her claims of not being able to move slurred half into her pillow make Clarke smile as she mouths sleep-mussed kisses over her shoulders, neck, and spine.

It may not be everything poetic and whimsically magic as Clarke had dreamed of for Lexa in the weeks she'd spent falling in love with her, but in the moment, in the quiet of nothing but listening to each other breathe and luxuriating in skin against skin, it all feels too perfect to imagine anything else.

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis #clexa #i just realized how long this got 🥴 #now conveniently under the cut

[butmakeitgayblog]

Andi, AWTR is invading my brain! What’s Clarke end of life like? Is she old when she dies? Does she get sick? Does she feel relieved that the part of her life without Lexa is coming to an end? Does she believe she and Lexa will find each other in the afterlife? Does she get buried next to Lexa? What do their tombstones say? Goddamnit Andi my heart is WRECKED

I'M SORRY OK 😭

And yes she's old when she dies, but not because she was ever actually trying for that. That's not to say Clarke had a death wish or anything, she just didn't care that much about obsessing over things that most people tend to do. Clarke after Lexa was someone who lived life in a way that was meant to soothe her soul and make her happy in the few and far spaces that she could. She didn't worry about eating that extra pancake at breakfast or drinking a second whiskey sour at dinner. She drove fast and and jumped head first and smoked if she felt like the occasional one. She just did whatever she felt was right in the moment. Long term be damned. Because losing Lexa not only took all the real sweetness out of life that it used to have, but it also made Clarke realize this is the only time we have. She didn't want to be a woman on her deathbed regretting all the things she never did. She sure as hell wasn't afraid of dying, so, might as well live.

But the thing is, Clarke Griffin-Woods has the constitution of a goddamn ox 🙄

What would horrify every tiktok ~health guru~ on the planet barely made much of a dent in Clarke's general health over the years. By 65 the worst she could claim was bad knees, one completely useless ear (concert accident), and an admittedly questionable cholesterol count.

When she is diagnosed with congestive heart failure in her early 80s, it does feel like a relief. She never tells her partner that, but it iss the first and strongest feeling that hits her when she hears the news. And truth be told, she'd been hoping. Had been ignoring the warning signs for almost a decade. A half-wish that by the time they figured it out, it'd be too late to do anything? She's not... entirely sure. But what she does know is that she feels relief.

In her final few months she notices things. Moments, when she can almost feel her wife again. As if there's a presence about her that lingers; warm and comforting. An energy in the quiet moments that reminds her not to be afraid. Other times there's this feeling of being late. As though there's an appointment she needs to get to. Something important she's been forgetting. Somewhere else she needs to be.

She dreams of her more. Of her eyes and that wild cascade hair barely tamed in a few delicate braids. She sees her in every corner. All the time. Every night and every moment she drifts off to sleep. It's like all the memories become fresh again. Like they used to be when Lexa had only just passed. And she gets these odd moments of feeling like somehow, Lexa just might be outside the room. As if she would just call to her, there Lexa would be. Like she can almost see the heel of her wife's shoe or smell her favorite old perfume. She can't really find the words for it and doesn't really want to bother with trying, but she knows she can feel her. Still beautiful and eternally 23, just as she had always been in Clarke's mind for all these years. Only more real.

And that makes going so much more easy. Because it feels less like letting go of her life, and more like finding her way back to its sweetness again.

She is laid to rest in the Woods family plot next to her wife and in-laws in the late summer right before her 83rd birthday.

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis #she lasted 60 years without the love of her life #stubborn old goat

[butmakeitgayblog]

Tell us about when Lexa tells Clarke she’s sick please?

It's certainly not their finest moment.

It's after their fourth date.

Their fourth official date in two weeks (because apparently, "Harassing me work doesn't count, Clarke🙄😏") despite the fact that she's already crazy about Lexa, Clarke's determined to take this slow. Falling in love with someone with like Lexa is terrifying and yet so incredibly easy, but she's still not the kind of girl you want to rush.

Clarke had taken Lexa out to a nice dinner a few towns over. Had smiled and worked overtime to keep the conversation flowing despite how distracted Lexa seemed all night.

And she'd noticed how Lexa had more pushed her food around the plate than ate it. Noticed that Lexa looked just a bit more pale than normal. Maybe a touch slimmer, sitting there across from at the candlelit table, than she had been when Clarke had first seen her that summer. She'd noticed throughout the night the way Lexa would random rub her temple or let her falls closed just a few seconds too long, as though she was struggling to shut the world out.

She noticed it all.

And idiotically chose to ignore it.

Instead she'd pretended like everything was fine as she'd loaded up their leftovers (a single crab cake of hers and practically Lexa's entire uneaten dinner) and driven them back to the bakery for a coffee nightcap.

Somewhere between Lexa offering Clarke one of the day's unsold raspberry pasteries and Clarke rambling aimlessly about her plans for next semester, everything completely fell apart.

Because she just had to push. She had to ask Lexa when the hell she was planning on going to college. She just had to start running her mouth about how Lexa was wasting her life in this dump. It'd been innocent to start out with, idle ideas of how Lexa could apply to the same college Clarke was going to, or at the very least one of the nearby surrounding ones. Something close so they could keep seeing each other, nothing further than a train trip away so they could be together every weekend and extended break.

And Lexa, sweet patient Lexa, had listened to it all before shattering the growing dream with a solemnly said, "That's a lovely idea, Clarke... But I'm never going to college."

Which was insane, because she's practically a genuis, and Clarke had no qualms with saying as much. And in her onslaught of a tirade of that fact, and the mounting annoyance that Lexa apparently has zero interest in planning for any kind of a future where they're together (which, fine, she knows she's the only one who's said I love you so far, but in her heart she knows Lexa feels it too), she's so pissed it takes her entirely too long to notice that Lexa's getting worked up as well.

Too long to register how green eyes turn stormy and that immaculate jaw grinds to stone.

And then it feels like the entire earth shatters, taking her fantasies and Gus's right along with it, on the heels of the way Lexa quietly grits, "I'm sick, Clarke."

She's in such completely, fucking shock that she just sits there and stares as Lexa shakily wipes away a single tear that escapes. It's like she can't breathe as Lexa explains— As she pleads for Clarke to understand that she didn't choose any of this. That of course she'd wanted to go to school and that, yeah, once upon a time she'd had some pretty big plans for her life too. But that just wasn't an option for her anymore. It just wasn't in the cards. Hadn't been since the summer after their senior year, when everyone else had been partying and planning their great escape, and she'd spent every sunny day locked inside the big fancy hospital 45 minutes away. And she explains that she'd tried, fuck, she had tried to fight and get better and do whatever it took, but it just... There was no hope left. It was just stronger than her body could handle.

"No, Clarke. No," Lexa said, meeting Clarke's valiant plans for her treatment and vows of 'fighting through this together' until she gets better with a sad smile over matching hazelnut flavored coffees that had long since grown cold, "I need you to understand... My fight is over."

It's a moment Clarke will always look back on and feel a bit of disgust with herself over, despite Lexa telling her repeatedly for forgive herself. Because out of every option in the world of how she could've reacted, she just had to choose to react with anger. To ask why Lexa had let Clarke fall for her to begin with. How she'd scoffed when Lexa had struggled through a few stubbornly falling tears, saying that she hadn't planned for any of this. That had been fine until Clarke came along and changed everything. That after all those years of being invisible and now getting to actually feel what it was like to be happy with her, to feel like she was something wonderful every time she and Clarke were together... She just couldn't handle the thought of Clarke looking at her... exactly like she was looking at her now.

It's all too much for Clarke's broken heart to sort through, and so she leaves Lexa there to clean up the remnants of their date by herself

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis #just FYI Lexa and Guss live in the house behind the bakery so it's not like she has long trek home or anything #still a shit move tho

[butmakeitgayblog]

What happens the next time clexa sees each other after Lexa tells Clarke she's sick in AWTR?

She takes a few days away from Lexa to sort through her feelings.

Rages at her mother who apparently knew the entire time and hadn't said a word. Bullshit excuses of "HIPAA, Clarke. I've been her primary physician since the day she was born. Of course I couldn't tell you" mean nothing because Clarke is her child and she watched this trainwreck going on, and still said nothing to warn her.

Not that it would've made a lot of difference, she eventually realizes. Because she'd been falling for Lexa since that first day when Lexa had (rightfully) made her feel stupid right in the middle of Gus's morning rush. And if she's truly honest with herself, she doesn't think anything could've stopped it.

Lexa's just... Lexa. She's a person that once you know her, you really have no choice but to love her.

She was screwed from the start.

So she tries to call Lexa to no success. Leaves messages that go unanswered, endures one harrowing run in with Gus and a rather large bouquet of flowers that earns her little more than a grunt and a door closed right in her face. Basically she tries to extend a peace offering without pushing too hard into Lexa's space if she truly doesn't want her.

But also.... this is Clarke we're talking about here. And her best intentions always seem to go straight to hell whenever it comes to her not getting things the way she wanted.

Which is how she finds herself slinking into Gus's the following Wednesday afternoon, when she knows the big man in back will busy with the cleanup from the lunch rush.

It's the first time she's seen Lexa days and, god, she looks so beautiful. So pretty in her little button down shirt and matching sweater, hair pulled back into a loose braid that hangs over her shoulder.

Clarke has no idea how it took her so long to really see her.

They're both silent as they just stand there, feeling like there's an ocean that separates them rather than the worn formica counter. Lexa's eyes seeming so big. But so obviously heavy and tired. Duller than Clarke remembers since the last time she saw her smile. She feels sick with how resigned Lexa looks, as if she already knows what Clarke's there to say. How she swallows and opens then closes her mouth without saying anything, undoubtedly fighting with the urge to make some quip or joke to ease Clarke's guilt. Or worse, to tell her that not wanting her anymore is somehow ok.

But Clarke ignores all that words that never make their way out as she slowly eases her way around the counter. Retraces her steps back to Lexa exactly where she'd found her. And then stupidly left her.

And she knows no words can make up for what she did. She knows there's nothing she can say to fix anything for this girl. But still, she slips her arms around Lexa's waist, wrapping her up into a hug.

She buries her face in Lexa neck and breathes in her skin mixed with sweet shampooed scent of her hair because she's just missed her so much. And it's very hard not to break down when she feels Lexa's arms wrap around her shoulders and hug her just as tightly.

The way Lexa kisses her when Clarke vows that she's not going anywhere is sweeter than any they've shared before.

It's truly a moment of tenderness, and solace, and healing between them. One that Clarke carries with her for the rest of her life.

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

When was the last time AWTR Lexa said "I love you" to Clarke? Did either of them have the gut feeling that it might be the last time?

The last Clarke heard her say it from her own lips was the night before she passed. It'd become a habit between them, to say it all the time. Out of the blue, every time one of them had to leave for minute. Since the day they'd gotten married it was just like this unspoken rule. At the end of every phone call, before every step out of the house, every single night when they laid down for bed. Every day started and ended the same way, with a quiet promise that, "I love you."

Lexa had been having such good day all that day. Had been awake and almost chipper, like she was old her self again. And they'd spent the day together, read together, laid together in their bed. It was like time had reversed back to 3 months before and Clarke had soaked up every minute.

But when night rolled around Lexa just kept talking. Kept kissing her softly. Kept asking Clarke to stay awake and be with her.

It wasn't until the dead of night that Lexa finally admitted to Clarke's yawned question of what was the matter.

"I'm afraid to go to sleep. What if I don't..."

It was just so jarring.

Because she always thought Lexa was never afraid of anything.

And Clarke looks back on that night wishes she could shake herself because she'd just shushed Lexa with a soothing kiss. Had told her there was nothing to worry about. "Look at how good you did today," she'd said, tasting sour metal with every word. "Who knows, baby. Maybe tomorrow will even better. But you'll never know unless you get some sleep."

Lexa, sweet Lexa, she had just nodded and tried to smile around a shaky swallow. Then she rested on Clarke's chest. Kissed her as deeply as she could. Brushed her nose so tenderly it made Clarke'schest ache. And she pressed their last goodnight "I love you" to Clarke's lips before tucking into her neck and drifting off to sleep...

#heda-in-the-clouds #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis #you think I won't fight you but one day? #oh one day I will

[butmakeitgayblog]

Did Clarke feel like she was cheating on awtr Lexa when she kissed someone different after her passing?

The first time Clarke kisses someone else it feels like she's losing Lexa all over again

It was bad enough that she actually throws up.

She hadn't even planned it. It was a moment of weakness that caught her off-guard. She'd just wanted to go out for a drink for something to do. Had learned her lesson by then that staying home and drinking by herself never led to anything good.

It felt good just to feel something again.

The girl was pretty. Nice enough, Clarke had to say. Someone from her local coffee shop who had been flirty since the second day she'd started. All of 29 with a gentle smile and a confidence that conveyed that she was someone used to getting exactly what she wanted. And for some reason, what she seemed to want was a night out with Clarke.

And Clarke's been so lonely. Can't even remember the last time she'd anything other than work, study, and sleep. Her body misses the feeling of being wanted. And it doesn't mean she has to actually do anything.

That's what she tells herself at least.

The girl picks her up and tells her she's taking her for a night of dancing. Says they're young and hot and she really wants to "see what that body can do." The brazen comment makes Clarke's stomach lurch unpleasantly. Her immediate thought is how hard Lexa would've rolled her eyes at such a tacky pick-up line, but she smothers that thought as immediately as it comes. She can't think about her wife while on this date-not-date. It's easier to let the woman think the puff of laughter was for her benefit anyway.

She never asks Clarke about the ring on her finger.

Clarke doesn't offer details about it either.

That both soothes Clarke's nerves when she settles into her seat at the bar and sets her teeth just a little on edge.

So the girl is pretty, and easy to talk to. Friendly with, it seemed, a large portion of the staff. She orders them drinks and insists on paying and looks so pleased with her herself when she gets Clarke to lift her whiskey sour in a cheers. They talk about work and what the other studied in school, chat about the weather and where they've traveled for vacation. They relay their wildest nights of ill-spent youths, trading stories of partying and hangovers.

Clarke wonders if she'd ever been the type to read a book in a bar.

She ultimately keeps that question to herself.

One drink leads to two, which leads Clarke being led out onto the dancefloor. A third drink has Clarke accepting hands on her hips and humid puffs of breath along her neck.

And in the haze of the beat and the crowd and the whiskey, she lets go for just for a moment. Let's herself forget for just one second.

That's all it takes for the whole world to come crashing back in.

Because when she pulls back and sees this fucking stranger staring her with her hunger, all she can think is how her eyes aren't aren't even close to the right shade of green. Her hands burn against brunette hair that isn't nearly as soft as it should be and her mouth doesn't taste like sweet peppermint tea. Clarke's stomach turns at how her tongue is too rough. How she doesn't smell like old books, flowers, and coffee. How her hands aren't the right kind of lovingly possessive.

This woman is not her wife and she never will be and suddenly in that sea of gyrating bodies, Clarke can't breathe.

She doesn't even say anything to the poor woman who really hasn't done anything wrong. It doesn't matter. Clarke kind of hates her in that moment for all of it. Hates her for asking her out and not being her wife and for making Clarke forget. She shoves out of her arms and out of the crowd and is out of the door without a single word. The vice of her ribcage is too tight to pull in any of the cigarette scented air, and before Clarke can really do anything more than clutch a hand to wrenching feeling splitting open her chest, she's spilling the entire contents of their evening across the pavement.

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis

[butmakeitgayblog]

I can’t remember if I have re-sent my ask: would you be able to also describe the day when Lexa in AWTR breathed her last?

She goes on a Sunday.

And Clarke feels like there's something poetic in that. Feels that's exactly how it should be, if it had to be.

She's never been one for church stuff or believing in fate and all the like, but... everything with Lexa has made her want to believe. And Lexa passing on her favorite day of the week isn't any different.

Who even has a favorite day of the week? Lexa, apparently. Because "it's the day for family, love," she'd said from where her head had rested on Clarke's chest. "The day to go sing to the babies at church and eat a breakfast so big it sorta also counts as lunch. It's the day to take naps together while the breeze pulls in the smell of laundry drying on the line. The perfect day to hide away and snuggle and read books... Sunday's are the best days out of them all."

Clarke had taken her words as gospel.

So it... it makes sense. In the grand scheme of things it really does. And it hadn't been a surpise exactly. They'd known it was coming. She'd known the time was coming. Had felt this awful inevitability growing inside her the entire month. She'd found herself sitting at Lexa's bedside and feeling the words hang just on the tip of her tongue. But even through all that, she hadn't been ready. Not really. Not when the actual moment had come.

Because it had just been so...

So goddamn quiet.

Like it wasn't the exact moment when the entire world had smashed to the ground and everything that meant anything to her had fallen apart.

The day had been so nice. Sunny and cool for the early nip of Spring. She had a crick in her neck from having fallen asleep next to Lexa kinda funny, bent at odd angles to avoid all the leads and wires. But she didn't mind it at all. Had slept better than she had in awhile.

Because it'd been hopeful. She'd been hopeful. Because Lexa had seemed to be doing so good the day before. Had seemed brighter and more like herself than she had in weeks. It was amazing, so fucking amazing to have her back like that again, as wonderful and clever as ever. And she hadn't understood, Clarke hadn't understood at all, why the sight of a smiling and lively looking Lexa had made her mother go so suddenly pale...

But she had listened when Abby had told her to stay put, to keep an eye on Lexa for her while she took care of everything else. They'd spent the night tucked together in Lexa's bed, Lexa's head once again on her chest while she read to her until she'd fallen asleep.

And then morning came, and Lexa was not the Lexa from yesterday.

It almost felt like a cruel joke.

But Clarke settled back into the routine, fully prepared for more weeks of helping her wife in her weakened state. She was good at it by now, the whole taking care of her and anticipating her every need. The morning passed as usual, with her reading just quiet enough for them both to hear while Lexa slept in a haze of morphine dripped dreams. She held Lexa's perfect but perpetually chilly hand and used her patented thumb'n'nose technique to turn the pages as needed. She moistened those plump lips with ice cubes to keep her girl nice and comfy, and smooched them right after to warm them back up too.

She kissed Lexa's cheeks, her nose, her temple. Breathed in lungfuls of the scent of that beautiful hair. And she did what Abby had told her to do should she ever get the feeling, despite hating every single word of it. But she had, because this what she'd signed on to do. So she whispered over and over again how much she loved Lexa, and that everything would be ok. That it was ok if her fight really was over. That it was ok to let go whenever she was ready, because she was right here every step of the way. She whispered her vows all over again because she meant them as much now as she did the day she had married her, and that she'd keep them locked inside her heart forever.

And in a quiet moment when Clarke took a break between chapters 12 and 13, Lexa must've listen to her, and peacefully went.

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis #👀 #I'm sorry