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bpd-insane · 7 years

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For a friend...

It’s BPD time! Now this message to you is not only going to include the thing I need to tell you, but a few different things I need to explain in great detail. I promise, by the end of this (if it doesn’t end with you saying that “The line has been crossed”) you will be saying to yourself; “THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE”. You’ll actually probably say that a lot through out this post. I need you to know that BPD is different for everyone; While the symptoms are mostly the same; they are defined differently for me. So this is all about MY BPD.

So first I wanna list the BPD symptoms again. The most common ones are a fear of abandonment which is triggered by being ignored, feeling rejected, being made to feel second best etc. There’s also splitting (I’ll get to that), acting impulsive, getting manic/furious/very easily, unstable relationships based on a need for attention and validation, unstable self image and obviously mood swings.

Im going to jump into my first topic; Splitting. Splitting for me can be;

Splitting can be a few different things but for me it’s mostly when someone does something that may seem small or unimportant to others, but for me triggers very intense emotions, be it anger, love, irritation, jealousy etc. Feeling that intense emotion if it’s negative makes me want to push the person away and I get very angry. If it’s a positive emotion, I feel full of love and happiness for them. Splitting can also sometimes make me feel indifferent, as though I just don’t care and they could disappear and it wouldn’t bother me. Now I want to add that I’ve NEVER felt like that about you. I’ve been intensely angry at you, so much that I wanted to disappear. But if you had, I wouldn’t know what to do.

So enough about splitting; I’ve only just found out about the correct term for it; So I’ve been burying myself into internet research about splitting. I’m gonna move on to my impulsive behavior and reactions.

Ooooh this is a SUPER fun one. (It’s realllllly not, it’s quite awful.) Lets just say, when certain things happen to me that trigger something within me; I react different than other people such as yourself. We are gonna to go on some examples. Example one of my horrid impulsive behavior; SPENDING UNNEEDED MONIES. I do this one a lot. Mostly when I’m depressed. (I know I know, when am I not? Lmao) When I’m at the store, we could have little to no money or a ton, I will buy things I just DO NOT need. Things that will completely kill me in finances. While I’ve cut this down a lot, I still do it sometimes. It can get bad. I can even get as bad as that I will spend money on people I care about. A lot of it. XAAAMPLE TWO: When there is a comment made such as… Let’s use the first time you took witness to my BPD. Yaaaay! Lmao not. When we were doing WOTM, someone made the comment; “If you aren’t ready at all times to raid, then don’t raid.” I remember whipping my head up from giving Alex his sippy cup and completely going off on this guy. For me when I do this in front of people, I instantly feel embarrassed, and I 9 times out of 10; Leave that activity or end the conversation.

Okay; As impulsive behavior goes, that’s PRETTTY much it. Now I’m going to move onto the more difficult symptom of my illness. This is the one I’ve been debating with myself on telling you because as I said before, it could very well cross a line. If this does, I need you to tell me. If you don’t, If you repress those feeling for way to long and you let this continue, it will be worse for me. You need to tell me what your 100% honest feelings are about all of this, honestly. The whole post you’ve read and are going to read.

Okay this one is called “Favorite person”. Now this does not mean the same thing to me that it means when you read that. A favorite person is something I’m embarrassed about telling you. But absolutely 100% cannot control.

A favorite person is someone that we tend to want the most attention and validation from. We want to be in contact with them constantly, and we want them to care about us like we do them. However, as people who are borderline like myself, feel a lot more intensely than others, this is not always the case. Feeling undervalued because of this can cause dissociation and us to split on them. We also often mirror our FP due to the fact that we idealise them, and see everything that they do as wonderful. This means we imitate many of their behaviours, actions, and even the way that they speak in an attempt to be “good like them”. This can actually be very frustrating for our FP, especially if they also suffer from any mental illness. If you haven't figured it out thus far; You are my FP... Basically; Let's be straight. If you noticed that when you have "off days", I am noticeably more attentive towards you in my quest to help you in anyways possible. I am not going to stray from any form of the truth here, when you are gone. It does fucking suck. But don't think for one second that I can't handle it when you are. Don't you think either that I constantly NEED to talk to you in an obsessive manor, it's not like that. Not at all. But your company is that I want all the time. Your attention does in fact mean the world to me. I know you didn't ask for this if at this point that's what your thinking. Quite frankly I don't know what you're thinking. You could be understandable and logical and you could be thinking that I'm psychotic. Whether you're thinking "I didn't ask for this, I didn't sign up for this". I need you to remember that I DIDNT either. I didn't pick you, Steven. My disorder and my brain did. You wanna know why? Because you are that person. You are AMAZING. You're so funny, we have SO much in common. Hell, I've been working on this post for hours. Do you know what I am right now? Scared out of my god damn mind. There is so much I hide from you, you don't have any idea. It's horrible what goes through my head. When it does, I constantly tell myself "I wanna go talk to him, I wanna tell him." But you wanna know what else this SICKNING disorder tells me? "He doesn't give a shit, act okay, play the part. He will believe it and all will be fine." That. THAT is the hardest part about this. Telling you? That basically I've lied to you quite a few times when you have asked me if I'm okay. I'm afraid you will think "Damn this girl has way to many problems, is she ever gonna be okay? Is she never gonna not have a problem?" I'll answer that. There are days I actually am okay, but there will never be a day that something is not bothering. But I'll tell you right now, you're not always going to know. That's part of being my FP. My happiness doesn't matter to me like it should, yours does. If you're happy, fine. I'll repress and be fine. I didn't plan on this tangent, but I started writing and here we are. You mean a great deal, you would have regardless of this BPD crap I have. YOU are a great person. I've thought that from day one. You can make me smile like no one else. Don't let that scare ya. If you need time to accept this, take it. I probably won't understand, but that's the disorder. If you don't ever wanna talk to me again, if this crossed a line, if you don't want to be super close anymore, I'll understand one day, but you need to do you. There is shit I never say to you, shit like I do miss you a ton when you go, that I do love you to fucking death Steven. But you still need to do you. This is much of what I needed to say. The last thing I'm going to tell you is that I also lied to you today. My BPD wasn't the only reason I was off. I went to take a nap. I had a god damn "nightmare" whatever. You had a damn heart attack in my face. Idk why that's what went through my dream, but it did. I woke up in panic. Anyways, that's never happened before so you know. Writing this on Tumblr to you was the easiest way I could do this. I did this not only for you, but myself. The choice is yours. I love you. -Jolynn/Sebastian.

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