#But still avoiding just flat out tagging Tyler Blackburn as the tag

[adiwriting]

FYI thanks for mocking me on discord that was fun to see my heightened emotions of the day mocked by my fav writer. I wasn't planning on saying anything but I figured if it stops you guys taking the piss out of other asks you said you weren't even going to publish in the first place then perhaps I should. Be aware some of us don't have tumblr accounts. This is not the friendly fandom I was led to believe if you enjoy doing that with friends on discord in the public chats. Thanks for educating me

First of all, I’m not even sure how this ask got through except to say that Tumblr is buggy AF and I’m angry about it. Most people that have anon off, have it off for a reason, so that fact that Tumblr can just up and ignore that to let anons through is pretty shitty and @staff should look into that. 

But since this is not the first time that somebody has accused me of trigging them over the entire Tyler Blackburn situation, I’m going to write up a response and hopefully everyone that’s been triggered by me and my words can all read this and perhaps have an ounce of self-awareness and empathy for others. 

12 days ago, I wrote a post about fandom racism that also apparently was the first time most of fandom was learning about the fact that Tyler Blackburn was not an indigenous person. I expected about 10 people to read it and for it to anger about 1-2 people. Those were my expectations. To get an angry anon or two. To have somebody pop into my replies to argue DNA testing. So when the post blew up and I became the subject of fandom rage, with new people vague blogging me by the hour, my DMs and my inbox filled with hate, and this became “the topic” of fandom on multiple platforms... I wasn’t mentally ready for it. 

Despite all of that, I still stand by the spirit of that original post. I still stand by the fact that I posted asking people to stop calling Tyler a POC and using that as a defense of their own racist behavior. I DON’T stand by my argument of using percentages or DNA testing to “prove” Tyler wasn’t NA. I’ve learned better over the last 12 days. I don’t stand by my statement that we shouldn’t cancel Tyler. As a white woman, that isn’t my call and I don’t get to decide how the indigenous fans respond to this hurtful news. But the things I regret revolve around not being a good ally. They don’t revolve around regret posting about Tyler’s actions and they certainly don’t revolve around any regret for calling out fandom racism. 

Back to my response and my “mocking” behavior. 

I want anyone who says that I triggered them (because it’s been a handful of people by now, either directly or through vague blogging about me) to understand something.

Most of us have been in the situation where you post something and you get 1-2 hate anons. You bitch about it, you complain to your friends, then you move on. Few of us have likely ever woken up day after day to 25+ messages calling you an awful person for having the audacity to share news about an actor who shared the news about himself first. It, understandably, gets to you. And yet, I’m not out here blaming those hate anons and DMs for being the reason I couldn’t sleep for a week, the reason I had full blown panic attacks, or the reason I couldn’t eat more than a bite of food each meal. Because at the end of the day, this fandom wasn’t the SOLE reason for my mental health issues and I refuse to blame other people for my own mental health issues. I refuse to say that anyone else “triggered” me, because the fact remains that anyone who triggered me only did so because I gave them the power to do so. Just like I would argue, I don’t have the power to trigger anyone else, you’ve all given me that power and you can take it away. You can unfollow me. You can block me. You can chose not to read my thoughts on things and let it affect your day. I’m not remotely worth anyone’s stress. 

Did I publish anons after I said I wasn’t going to? Yes. Though, I’m 99% sure every anon I published were ones I received BEFORE I said I wouldn’t answer anons, and thus I’m not sure anyone sent me anything under the guise it wouldn’t be published. I’m pretty sure fandom etiquette is that you don’t send anon asks you don’t expect to be answered publicly. You can ask anyone who DM’d me their hate, I didn’t respond to any of THOSE things publicly. It isn’t the proper etiquette. But yes, I published the handful of anons that I found funny in a sea of ones that were truly disgusting. So disgusting that i had to delete them the moment they came into my inbox. But I kept a few that I found entertaining because I honestly, needed a laugh. And in the middle of a panic attack, I snapped, and responded to a handful of the funnier asks. Do I regret it? Sometimes. I don’t think it helped make the situation any better... but I also don’t think I said anything that I don’t stand behind either. 

Did I talk to my friends on Discord about the asks I received? Yes. My friends were, understandably, worried about me and trying to show support. They asked me if I was getting a lot of hate about my post and I answered them honestly. And yes, the discussion did lean towards making fun of the more ridiculous defenses of Tyler’s actions. Because most of my friends on there still struggle to understand why we are defending Tyler’s actions. And most of my friends, I think, were trying to help me make light of a truly awful week for me. 

I apologize if you felt we were mocking you. But considering any ask I got was sent in an effort to silence me and make me feel bad for calling out racism, I question why I should be apologizing to you and why there’s no expectation that anyone apologize to ME for the hazing I just went through. I ask why one specific group of fandom continues to use emotional manipulation to try and silence me for simply stating facts: Tyler is NOT a POC. Why is it okay that one group of fandom can continually attack others but when those blogs say anything, then we are suddenly told that we don’t respect anyone’s mental health. I have NEVER in my life bullied anyone. Even the Tyler Stan blogs that have come to me personally, off anon, to talk about their problems with me can hopefully have enough self awareness to let you know that I was apologetic for snapping and sympathetic to their mental health issues but also stood by my opinions that racism is real and I won’t apologize for posting about it. 

I don’t care if people like Tyler. I don’t care if people’s favorite character is Alex. That is all fine with me. If you want to keep stanning Tyler and loving Alex, do so. Just know that I’m going to stand by my fans of color on this issue with Tyler and continue to post about racism. If that is something that people cannot get behind, they should 100% unfollow me and block my name. 

If you want to read my writing but disengage with my opinions, I suggest you subscribe to me on AO3 and block me on Tumblr. But also, you can just stop reading my fic too. I promise you that nothing I write is remotely special enough for people to continue risking their mental health if the things I’m doing trigger you in any way. 

Finally, I can empathize with you not having a Tumblr account to come at me with. But it sounds like you have a Discord account that you could have DM’d me on. And if you had come to me off of anon, I can 100% promise you that our interactions would have been respectful even if we disagreed. They also would have been private. But what I won’t apologize for is the fact that YOU came to ME on anon expecting some level of respect when the asks being sent to me weren’t respectful. I was accused of being the reason for Tyler’s anxiety. I was accused of being unsympathetic to a man who didn’t know his dad because his dad COULD have been native american and how did I feel about that? I was accused of trying to get Tyler fired. I was accused of a lot of awful things. 

And yet... all I did was make a post about fandom racism. And anyone getting triggered by that should perhaps ask themselves this: 

If you’ve never been racist in this fandom, why did my post feel like an attack against you? 

#tw racism #discourse #still haven't figured out how to tag TB discussions for people who need space from it #Open to ideas #But still avoiding just flat out tagging Tyler Blackburn as the tag #not because I don't think it belongs in that tag #but because I'm trying to avoid that group of blogs who has been harassing me