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autumnepic · 7 years

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Long’s

I have thought of this several times, and yes, when you asked me about this last friday, i couldn’t hide from it anymore. i don’t know who to tell, Long, i’m really scared. afraid of saying the wrong things to wrong people? afraid of being misunderstood, of being judges, for who i am. but you want to hear it, and i suppose you can understand. but promise me, not everyone will get this, so don’t tell them. you don’t really need to keep it as a secret, but don’t explain this to those who regard it as nothing right from the beginning. i have to tell you the truth, which you already knew : i’m not at all like all the others, so my reactions towards everything can be a bit (or a lot) different from that of other people. might everyone take it easy, and chill without any difficulty, but i could not. for various reasons. i’ve received a lot: ‘why you so childish?’ ‘why you keep dramatizing shits?’ ‘this ain’t big deal’

Well yeah, it’s unfortunately a big deal to me. so i’m telling you why. starting from last year, i failed to get into my dream school, and to me, it’s like a block, i mean, a barrier standing between me and happiness. my problem is, obviously easy to tell, ‘cannot cope with failure’. So, all that time, i had to hide myself. i cannot fail anything once more, and i tried to stay away from everything to pull myself together, to heal that deeply wounded scar. i had to try my best hiding my depression, my anxiety. i had scars, deep ones. i hated our school so much, Long, just because i was not going to Ams. i hated everything: our classrooms, our friends, our atmostphere. Just because no one thinks the way i do, and no one does the things i normally do. no one acts like Amsers. i’m lost, i can’t find my harmony with just…. anything. Isn’t that so clear, no one is like me?? i was paralyzed, for such a long time. i stayed away from everything, including our last EngFes. i was nothing in that play. i didn’t want to be anything, and was anxious to express myself, to be honest. maybe, i was afraid of risks (of not doing good enough ?). oh, i forgot to mention spending all my time on IELTS practicing at that time, to forget about Ams, about my unfulfilled dreams, and to hide my anxiety. Flash forward to our trip last December. i got some time to rest, and maybe i fully healed at that moment. It took a long way though. Cause i got Minh Anh all the way long, she’s the only one in this class that truly understands me. i know, she’s crazy sometimes, but she can talk to me about shits in my head (which is hard to understand sometimes), and be so nice without any fakeness.

I finally got to free myself, from anxiety and depression. i started to express myself more, and not trying to hide people from everything, i started to be sociable, got one fb and add everyone in my class, cuz i really love them then. i started to fill my wall , my writings, my own self , with happiness. Started to try to love people, to appreciate our class, our friends. i started to love all of u guys and have faith. this sounds dumb, but you clearly see i had to try a lot to get there (trying not to be gloomy anymore).

And so, i wrote a long status about our class, that i loved you guys so much, and that i am much better now because of you guys. i started wanting to devote to our class, to give you something i can. So , i wrote the script for ctdt, with all my energy, and dozens of drafts. Thao Do helped me, and i really appreciate her, but she’s busy with the dancing part, so when the deadline came near, i had to spend a few nights with the script. i did it happily, to get the best of me out for our show. i was delighted it turned out very well, with all of our effort.

This EngFes, i wanted to participate too. i’m much stronger now. i wrote the script with some girls, i put all my love and passion in it, and i believe i wouldn’t fall short of anyone’s expectations. yet i did. my voice’s not good enough (?). maybe. they said so. but i didn’t think so. i think my class has to know it, that my voice’s not bad at all! (?) and yes, our class says my voice really sucks. damn it, so they’re right, Long. KK, at first one of the fairies,is now the narrator. i used to be nothing last year, now i’m still nothing, after being ‘something’ for a while. yay, how should i feel?

Crap. i felt empty. but one of my friends said i’m wounded, mentally. maybe he’s right. maybe i have given our class so much that now i’m too shocked at what they did to me. ‘one of the script writers’ -> ‘nothing’ in one day. A fucking HUGE shock, just so you know.

when i wrote the script, i wanted to create something that we can do together. i mean, our whole class, should all take part in with their strong points. i was really disheartened when Quyen said ‘minh khong noi tieng Anh duoc, minh khoc day, the nao cast cung bi loai’. so i figured out “the little bird”- a character in our play, and gave it to Quyen. She must be really happy, i thought, and she clearly is right now. the same goes to the first scene with 3 groups of people standing on the stage. i tried my best to gave them the spotlight.

and then at the last minute, ‘one of the most passionate people’ -> ‘nothing’.

i love our class so much but then i was not loved back (?)

well i almost cried when i heard ‘so what are you in the play now?’ from you. Isn’t ‘nothing’ so clear?

So, those are the reasons why i was crying damn hard a few weeks ago knowing the result of ‘voting day’. i knew from the beginning, that i would be devastated losing my spot. I can’t tell exactly, but this is like a big wound that cannot be healed. After everything i was, everything i did, everything i hoped for, it sound natural if i ever act like this.

Tell me, Khanh would never lose so much were she me, right? She must know better than anyone else, that this means so much to me, more than it means to her, cause she’s leaving this year. Let’s not talk about the clashings, because there’s only 1 narrator. Either Khanh or me would get sad. But for me, it’s not just sad. it’s WOUNDED. it feels like i am shot in my heart. Ironically, this is what i’ve always been afraid of : not doing good enough and then out. Last year, i’m so scared i didn’t join our play. This year, when i’m not scared anymore, i cannot join our play.

i’m happy for KK, anyway. i must admit, her voice’s not so good at first, but now it’s fine. maybe better than mine. i can see her effort all the way long, and just like me, she’s fighting her own battle - the battle inside her. I hope she can be happy after this, because i’m so deeply wounded (an incurable wound) and i don’t want her to get sad as well.

i always love her so much, and wish her the best. but me, too bad i don’t think i can recover after all this.

in fact, i was really sad being replaced after preparing everything for the play. i thought of everything, not just some sentences in the play : what will i wear as the narrator , how will i deliver my speech , how will i introduce about our class , how all of our classmates are taking part in the play , how much i love our class and how much this means to me. how i grew up and freed myself from depression. All of the good things, Long, all of them are good !

So i went home, feeling like sinking, deactivated my facebook, and talked to Lan Huong a bit. i missed her so much, and i asked her about the reasons why she’s leaving our class. she said it is it. last year, she was given a role and then she was not anymore. she was filled with excitement, just like me, and then she’s not anymore. so many times like that, and she couldn’t but leave.

Fuck, she understood how i feel. Not to mention i started as a depressed shit, not a happy girl like Huong. So she posted something in our group, that people shouldn’t do this to me or sth i don’t know, cause i wasn’t on fb thật đấy. Of course, she was attacked by our classmates, and i myself knew she shouldn’t have done that. I just, appreciate the way she cared and sympathized with me, and that’s enough.

Sometimes, i have bad dreams about this. i even dreamt of Khanh giving me back the role when it’s engfes, saying : i know this means a lot to you and i’m leaving our class this year, i hope Thu can heal and take this chance to become stronger. oh shit, that must be a bad dream. Would she ever do that? of course, my dream wouldn’t become true, but sometimes i feel like reality is becoming a dream. negative thoughts came back, like they are just there waiting for me. Long, i feel like getting 8 in ielts is just a dream. Maybe it’s not me. Maybe, not 8.5 in speaking. maybe my voice really sucks. maybe i just woke up a few weeks ago, and maybe i started to doubt just like me getting into grade 10. am i doubting myself again?

a few days ago, i let things go. let it be, but i don't think i can be who i am before this. May be i'm really childish, i'm always making something out of nothing, but that's who i am, I'm sorry I can't change who i am. Last Monday, NPhuong asked me why i no longer be the narrator. She said she really wanted me to tell the story, because she likes my voice better. Were she at the voting day, she would have voted for me. Well, that was just her opinion, but somehow it warmed my heart. Thank you so much Phuong that means so much to me. Maybe my voice does not really suck, at least. And thank you Long, for willing to listen to my feelings. I don't think i can be the same after this, and after hearing everything you should understand why. Maybe Kk would be like me if she weren't the narrator, maybe she wouldn't. No one knows, so I can't tell she feels better than me or worse. Let's say i'll focus on my studies, keep writing and reading, keep following my dreams, and set this aside. And hey, i changed my mind, don't tell anyone about this, Long, i don't want people to hear. That's all Thank you from the bottom of my heart Thu

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