#Fall of Laketown Remix

[lawyernovelistpersonal]

Fall of Laketown Remix 5/7

*Bard looses his last arrow. It hits Smaug, but does nothing*

Bard: Why am I even bothering? If arrows won't take him down - and apparently they won't - then arrows won't take him down and that should have become obvious in the first few shots. It's not like my marksmanship is poor.

*Bain climbs up to join him*

Bain: Dad!

Bard: Bain! What are you doing? Why didn’t you leave? You were supposed to leave!

Bain: ... I was?

Bard: Well, yeah. We knew there was a dragon attack coming. Of course you were supposed to leave, that's just common sense.

Bain: ... Huh. Sigrid was right.

Bard: It's not your fault. Common sense appears to have taken a holiday today.

Bain: I came to help you.

Bard: No! Nothing can stop it now. Apparently.

Bain: This might. *holds up the black arrow*

Bard: ... I forgot that existed.

Bain: Is that why you were up here taking shots with normal arrows when it's been explicitly established that only a black arrow can take down a dragon?

Bard: I guess so. Bain, you go back. You get out of here now.

*Bain notices Smaug coming their way*

Bain: Da!

*Smaug takes off the top of the bell tower off as he flies over them. Bain nearly falls off but manages to hang onto the edge with one hand*

Bard: Bain!

Bain: Da!

*Bard pulls Bain up to safety*

Smaug: Oh, come on, I took the top right off that tower, how did I not manage to hit either of them?

Bard: Maybe we ducked?

Smaug: OK, next time I burn it like I've burned everything else and move on with my day. There's really no reason I haven't done that already.

Bard: Uh... maybe you're curious about who we are.

Smaug: Why would I care who you are?

Bard: Because according to the rules set up by these movies, everyone knows who major characters are and your bloodline really matters to how people see you.

Smaug: OK, fine, I'll bite. Who are you that would stand against me?

*Bard goes to grab his bow but finds that it’s broken*

Smaug: Now that is a pity.

Bard: Well, yeah, but it's not like it'll save you. I can't loose an arbalest bolt from a longbow anyway. All we need to do is get to the windlance.

Bain: About that...

Bard: What?

Bain: The windlance vanished into a plot hole between movies.

Bard: What was even the point of introducing it, then?

Bain: Beats me. What was the point of any of this?

Bard: ... Bain, I need a moment. Please don't take this personally. *walks to the far side of the bell tower and screams in frustration* Why did the black arrow need to be an arbalest bolt when I don't get to use the arbalest? Why make that change?! Why couldn't it have been like in the book: a lucky arrow that I could loose from my longbow, with which I have been established as an expert marksman?! Where is the thrice-damned windlance and why am I not using it?!

Smaug: ... Better?

Bard: I mean, why even establish that I'm an archer if my longbow is just going to be snapped at the crucial moment and it was useless anyway? Why was I wasting my time loosing normal arrows at Smaug when I knew it wouldn't work? I mean, I get it if it's worth a try and I suppose it's better than doing nothing, but I knew it was a waste of time and I could have been going home to get my children!

Bain: Just let him finish, then he'll be fine.

Bard: But it's fine! It's fine! It's not like my love for my children has been clearly established and is going to be used for an aesop later! Why wouldn't I go and fling dead fish at a dragon rather than making sure they get out of the city safely?! Why is an arbalest the only way to take down a dragon and why do I not get to use the thing?!

Bain: You OK, Da?

Bard: ... Yeah, I think it's out of my system now.

Smaug: What will you do now, bowman? You are forsaken. No help will come.

Bard: Yeah, I noticed that. Where is everybody?

Bain: I have no idea; the city seems to be almost deserted. Heck, nobody had even taken the boat that I hid the black arrow in.

Bard: Why did we even have all those guards who were always hanging around the Master if they were going to vanish into thin air as soon as trouble started?

Bain: To be fair, I don't think any of them had bows.

Bard: It's fine. It's not like in the book I was leading an entire company of archers.

Smaug: If it makes you feel better, maybe I ate them all already. Now, after all that you didn't actually answer my question: who are you?

Bard: I am Bard, descendent of -

Bain: Hey, Da? Can I have a word? Excuse us, Smaug.

Bard: What?

Bain: There's a really ugly blood-will-out thing and motif of descendants repeating the mistakes of their ancestors going on, so maybe it's actually not a great idea to draw attention right now to the fact that great-grandad Girion tried and failed to shoot Smaug.

Bard: But why raise it at all, then? Isn't this a great opportunity to make up for his failure? Not to mention a great moment for me to heroically announce an identity that it's kind of implied I'm ashamed of and have maybe been keeping secret?

Bain: I've been thinking about it and I think the only reason we got to raise it to begin with is that it gave Thorin an excuse for being an asshole to you. I'm just saying it's a risk.

Bard: ... That would make sense, wouldn't it?

Smaug: Time flows on and I grow ever more impatient, Bowman. Who are you?

Bard: I'm not telling you.

Smaug: So why shouldn't I kill you?

Bard: Reasons.

#Fall of Laketown Remix #What the hell are these characters doing? #Movie? PAY ATTENTION #Technical incompetence #I have questions

[lawyernovelistpersonal]

Fall of Laketown Remix 2/7

Master: Come on! Come On! Faster! Faster! If only we could take more of these poor people with us. But they’re hardly worth it.

Alfrid: I... OK, why do we hang out?

Master: What?

Alfrid: You're an utterly repellent human being without a single redeeming feature. Not one, even subtlety. Why do we hang out?

Master: Pot, kettle, much? You're a pretty flat and unpleasant character yourself. I assume you hang out with me because I give you status. The question is why do I hang out with you.

Alfrid: Because I'm the only person prepared to be around you twenty-four-seven, I assume, which also begs the question of why you're still in power at all.

Master: Because... because, uh... because shut up.

Alfrid: Do either of us even have a motivation apart from collecting shiny things?

Master: No, of course not, we're basically second-tier Disney villains.

Alfrid: I thought this story was supposed to be really mature.

Master: How's this for maturity: If you don't agree with me about abandoning people to die and go back to being a henchman I'll feed you to the dragon. You're already a shoe-in for a graphic incineration and have been since your first appearance.

Alfrid: ... I quite agree. *he kicks a man in the face* But do you really have to be so obvious? Surely the simple fact that we're loading this boat up with gold until it's low in the water and not helping people is sufficient to show that we're selfish and greedy?

Master: Well, not really, and here comes the reason.

Bofur: Look out!

*The Master's boat hits Tauriel's*

Master: Move it! Move it! Come on! Faster!

Tauriel: Hey, you get back here! Did you just say I'm as selfish as you?

Master: Well, yeah. I mean, we're both loading our boats up with what's important to us personally and running away without giving a thought to the people suffering and dying around us.

Tauriel: But my boat is full of people. Yours is full of gold.

Master: There is one person in that boat you're actually there to save. The rest are every bit as expendable as Alfrid here is about to discover he is.

Alfrid: What?

Tauriel: That's not true! I care about all these people!

Bofur: So if one of us who isn't Kili fell out of the boat or got out for our own reasons, you'd stop and try to get him - or her - back? You wouldn't just abandon us without a backward look?

Tauriel: Of course. I'm compassionate.

Sigrid: I want that in writing.

#Fall of Laketown Remix #Informed ATTRIBUTES! #Movie? PAY ATTENTION #I'm pretty sure grey morality means inconsistency #I have questions #Protagonist-centred morality

[lawyernovelistpersonal]

Fall of Laketown 3/7

Sigrid: Hey, elf-lady!

Tauriel: "Elf-lady"?

Sigrid: Oh, I'm sorry, was I not paying attention when you introduced yourself at the earliest opportunity in order to make yourself a slightly less terrifying presence after our home had just been attacked and partially destroyed and you killed several orcs in front of us? You did do that, right? You didn't just talk to your companion in a language we couldn't understand and then laser-focus on Kili, right?

Tauriel: ... What do you want?

Sigrid: How about you let me or Bain steer?

Tauriel: Do I need to remind you that you're a minor character again?

Sigrid: Minor character or not, you're going the wrong way. We need to be getting out of town.

Tauriel: ... You can't prove I'm going the wrong way.

Sigrid: OK, first, you're not from around here and these canals aren't trivial to navigate at the best of times, so the chance that you're able to just guess where to go is pretty minimal.

Tauriel: Maybe I can tell direction by the moon.

Sigrid: Yeah, because that's visible.

Tauriel: Maybe Legolas and I explored thoroughly and learned the way around while chasing the orcs.

Sigrid: Can someone please explain the timeline to me? When did you have time, and how is it nobody noticed you during the time that must have taken?

Tauriel: But you can't prove that's not what happened, right?

Sigrid: Well, either you're lost or the Master is, because he sure as hell isn't taking the scenic route out of here, so how about you follow him unless there's a reason we're going right through the middle of town? Is there a reason?

Fili: You're going to pick up your companion, right? I mean, I assume he's a friend of yours who you don't want to leave to burn to death.

Tauriel: ... Let's just keep moving.

Fili: You forgot about him, didn't you?

Tauriel: Shut up.

Bain: Even if you've had time to explore and even if we're taking a detour -

Sigrid: In which case you might tell us.

Bain: - how would it not be an inherently good idea to use our local knowledge?

Tauriel: Shut up.

#Fall of Laketown Remix #What the hell are these characters doing? #Movie? PAY ATTENTION

[lawyernovelistpersonal]

Fall of Laketown Remix 4/7

*Bard climbs onto a bell tower and starts shooting at Smaug*

Bain: Da!

Tilda: Da!

*Bard keeps shooting at Smaug but it has no effect*

Kili: He hit it! He hit the dragon!

Tauriel: No.

Bofur: Yes, he did. It didn't make any difference, but he did hit it.

Tauriel: That's a little nitpicky, don't you think?

Bofur: Just saying.

Kili: He did, he hit its mark, I saw!

Tauriel: These arrows cannot pierce its hide. I fear nothing will.

Kili: OK, question: How come you know more about how to take down dragons than I do? Given my family history, you'd think that how to kill dragons would at least have been a subject of discussion around the place as I was growing up, even if it weren't an active part of my education.

Tauriel: That's irrelevant; I know more than you because I have to be the smartest person here.

Sigrid: Do you know about black arrows?

Tauriel: ... Sure.

Fili: You don't, actually; you just said nothing would pierce the dragon's hide.

Tauriel: Shut up.

Sigrid: Regardless, I know all four of these dwarves do, since their leader went out of his way to blame my great-grandfather for the destruction of Dale and Erebor. Which was entirely unnecessary, by the way.

Bain: Yeah, and I mentioned that thanks to him Smaug has a loose scale.

Kili: Excellent point. And that means that maybe we don't even need a black arrow!

Tauriel: Well, if you know that then so does your father, and if that were what it meant then he clearly can't shoot straight, so is it that or do we need a black arrow which we don't have?

Sigrid: Well, he can definitely shoot straight, so I guess we still need the black arrow for some reason.

Bain: Man, I was really hoping that there was a reason I brought up the loose scale.

Sigrid: I guess it really was just to prove that our great-grandfather got some sort of consolation prize, even though it was ultimately worthless.

*Bain notices the boat where he left the black arrow*

Bain: Huh. That's convenient. I thought for sure someone would have taken that boat by now, with all this going on.

*he grabs a hook and swings off the boat*

Bofur: What are you doing?

Fili: Come back! Bain! Come back!

Bofur: Bain!

Tilda: Hey, Sigrid?

Sigrid: Yes?

Tilda: How come we're not trying to call him back?

Sigrid: The movie's decided we've dropped out of existence again, I guess.

Fili: Come back here!

Bofur: Bain!

Bain: I'm going to get the black arrow! It's just there!

Fili: Why didn't you say so?

Sigrid: Better yet, why didn't you mention before that you'd hidden it? I thought the Master had confiscated it when Da was arrested!

Bain: I didn't think it would matter!

Sigrid: Did you tell me anything when you got back?

Bain: Uh... gotta go!

Tauriel: Leave him! We cannot go back.

Tilda: Bain!

Sigrid: Leave him? You're seriously going to just abandon my little brother to die?

Tauriel: We have to let him go because he needs to get the black arrow to your father to kill Smaug. By not bringing him back I'm making Smaug's death possible; you're welcome.

Sigrid: We established earlier that you don't know what black arrows are or that they're the one thing that can pierce a dragon's hide, so you don't know that!

Tauriel: Look, Sigurd -

Sigrid: Sigrid, actually.

Fili: Ironic, really, since Sigurd famously killed a dragon with a sword.

Sigrid: I thought you were meant to be compassionate!

Tauriel: How am I not being compassionate? Look at me getting everyone to safety!

Sigrid: You're coldly saying to me and Tilda that we have to abandon our father and our brother to burn to death! Could you at least pretend you care about how traumatic this is for us, even if you don't give a damn about his life?

Tauriel: Are you main characters?

Sigrid: No...

Tauriel: Then your feelings are irrelevant.

Sigrid: You are a horrible person.

Fili: What's more, who exactly put you in charge?

Tauriel: Pardon?

Fili: It was already an issue, but now it's a serious issue because you're ordering us to do something morally wrong. Since when were you in charge?

Tauriel: Since I was the main character, now get back in your plot hole!

Bofur: Fili, I agree with you, but she killed several orcs without breaking a sweat, none of us have weapons, she clearly has no regard for life, and there's Oin, Kili, Sigrid, and Tilda to consider. I think you need to keep your head down because I suspect she'd kill any of us just as easily.

Tauriel: Of course I care about life! I'm compassionate!

Kili: I think I should remind you about the way you refused to give me a dagger to defend myself when I was being attacked by spiders, implying that until you saw how hot I am you were OK with letting me die.

Tauriel: Whose side are you on?

Kili: Just saying.

Fili: Do you care about anyone other than yourself and Kili?

Tauriel: Well, I've got to say I don't see you jumping out to go get the kid either.

Sigrid: His name's Bain.

Fili: I have to stay and look after Kili.

Kili: I can walk!

Fili: No you can't.

Tauriel: Any of the rest of you?

Bofur: I'd love to, but the movie seems to have decided my only role is comic relief. I don't even know what the point of me being in Laketown at all is.

Oin: I'm old and deaf except when the movie forgets. I don't really know what the point of me being on this quest is.

Sigrid: Plus I suspect both of you have joined me and Tilda in having dropped out of the universe.

Kili: Question.

Fili: Kili, be quiet.

Kili: No, seriously, what's wrong with this picture? Tauriel's healed me, so why am I still lying in the bottom of this boat being ignored by everyone? I'm supposed to be the romantic lead in this film. Why am I not an option for going to help Bard?

Fili: Maybe she hasn't actually completely healed you.

Kili: I'm going to walk to Erebor tomorrow.

Fili: ... Just get some rest, Kili.

Kili: I'm actually serious. I really ought to have a role - or at least a real line - in this scene. And I'll tell you another reason: I'm supposed to be an archer. These movies have repeatedly gone out of their way to draw attention to that, and for what? Why can't I be involved in the scene where my ancestral enemy is taken down through archery, especially since the black arrow was right there? Surely there's a reason it was separated from Bard to begin with, especially since Bain was able to just find it again with no effort?

Sigrid: That's a good point. Why couldn't Da have just had the black arrow if he was going to need it? Why does Bain need to risk his life for this?

Fili: I agree. Kili obviously can't get involved in a fight right now -

Kili: True love, Fili!

Fili: - But why was the black arrow separated from Bard if not so that someone who has been set up as a badass and an archer can go and get it to him and help, as opposed to a child?

Tilda: Elves are good archers, right, elf-lady? That's a good reason you could have gone to help him.

Kili: Not to mention all the awesome parkour we saw you doing in Mirkwood. You'd even have a better chance of getting past crowds, fire, and canals than any of us.

Tauriel: How did this become about me again?

Sigrid: I'm sorry, isn't everything? After all, you're the main character.

Tauriel: You know what? I'm getting Kili out and that's what matters. Anyone who has a problem with that is welcome to get out and walk.

Tilda: *crying*

Tauriel: OK, look, Tilly -

Sigrid: Tilda.

Tauriel: Whatever. It's going to be fine. Your father and brother are both going to survive without a scratch on them.

Tilda: You don't know that!

Tauriel: Yes I do, because if Bain were killed then it would mean I'd just done something awful, and that can't happen, so he's going to be fine.

Tilda: That doesn't make any sense!

Tauriel: *handwave* It's going to be fine.

Sigrid: *handwave* Asshole.

#Fall of Laketown Remix #What the hell are these characters doing? #Informed ATTRIBUTES! #Movie? PAY ATTENTION #Technical incompetence #I have questions #Protagonist-centred morality

[lawyernovelistpersonal]

Fall of Laketown Remix 6/7

Smaug: *Looking at Bain* Hmm. Is that your child? You cannot save him from the fire. He will burn!

Bard: Uh... OK, but could you hold off on setting fire to him for about ten minutes while I get something set up?

Smaug: Well, I've wasted enough time; why not?

*Bard wedges the limbs of the broken bow against two support columns*

Bain: Da, what are you doing?

Bard: Building a windlance, since the real one's nowhere to be seen.

Bain: That's not going to work. Didn't you tell me once that self longbows like yours work because of the compression and tension of the wood in an uninterrupted shaft?

Bard: Yep.

Bain: Did those guards hit you on the head when they were arresting you?

Bard: ... Maybe? But look at it this way: is it any more nonsensical than the fact I've not even asked you if the girls are OK?

Bain: OK, that's fair. I'll see if I can find something to use as an arrow-rest.

Bard: No need. You stand there and I'll balance it on your shoulder.

Bain: ... You what?

*Bard aims the black arrow while balancing it on Bain’s shoulder*

Bard: Stay still, son. Stay still.

Bain: This is your worst idea ever.

Bard: Look, I'm sorry, but it's not my fault this is apparently the only way to kill that dragon.

Smaug: Tell me, wretch, how now shall you challenge me?

*Bard smiles to himself as he notices Smaug’s bare patch*

Bain: Da, why are you smiling like that?

Bard: I just noticed that there's a hole in Smaug's armour.

Bain: ... But you knew about that. I talked about it in the last movie, and I assume you must be the one who told me the story.

Bard: ... Oh. Right.

Bain: I really don't know why I had that line.

Bard: I think most of what we've done so far has been pretty pointless, son.

Smaug: You have nothing left but your death!

Bard: Thanks for waiting so long on that; you're being really patient.

Smaug: Well, of course. It's not like you're clearly setting up a mechanism to use the one thing that can kill me. Hey, wait! *roars and starts towards them* OK, that's not fair, you've got until I count to fifty to stop that!

Bard: Bain. Look at me. You look at me. A little to your left. That’s it.

Bain: If I survive, can I go and live with Gramma and Grand-da?

[as Smaug flies toward them Bard shoots the arrow and it strikes the dragon’s heart, causing him to scream in pain and crash into the bell tower]

Bard: Bain! Hold on!

[Smaug yells in pain as the light leaves his body, as he plummets to the ground he lands straight on top of the Master’s boat crushing him and his gold]

Bard: ... Huh.

Bain: Da, can we go?

Bard: Yeah, yeah, it's just... I kind of thought I was going to get a big confrontation with the Master at some point. It's fine.

Bain: ... Do you need another minute?

Bard: No, I'm good, it's just that they set up this whole rivalry between us and then... splat. Drop a dragon on him. He arrested me without charge in the last movie after humiliating me in front of the whole city and they went out of their way to establish that there was already tension between us and had been for a while, so I just thought there'd be some resolution to that, but I guess not. That's fine.

Bain: It's OK if you need to let some steam off.

Bard: *screams in frustration*

#Fall of Laketown Remix #What the hell are these characters doing? #Technical incompetence

[lawyernovelistpersonal]

Fall of Laketown Remix 1/7

Tauriel: We have no time, we must leave.

Fili: No time for what?

Tauriel: What?

Fili: You said we had no time, but there's no context for that. Who are you even addressing? Do you mean there's no time for the kids to pack a bag? No time for me to talk to Kili? Or are you acknowledging that there's no time for you and him to make eyes at each other?

Tauriel: Definitely not the last one.

Sigrid: What's the timeline here? Da heard Smaug rumbling around and he and Bain set off with the Black Arrow. Since then Da's been arrested, Bain's come back, we've been attacked by orcs, you and the other elf killed the orcs, and you did something glowy with a handful of kingsfoil -

Tauriel: Athelas.

Sigrid: No, kingsfoil. Why would we use the elvish word for it?

Tauriel: Because that's what it's called in Lord of the Rings.

Sigrid: I don't know what that is... You know what? Whatever. Athelas. And then you and Kili said romantic things to each other, and now suddenly there's a big rush before Smaug arrives? Why now? Why not before? What have we even been doing for the last... however long it's been? If Da thought a dragon attack was imminent enough to get the Black Arrow and go set up the windlance - which I assume is what he was doing otherwise what was he doing? - why didn't we get packed up and ready to evacuate then, even if we weren't actually in the boat? Especially given that moving Kili is going to be non-trivial?

Bain: That's been bothering you for a while, hasn't it, Sis?

Sigrid: Yes!

Tauriel: Well, Smaug was just rumbling around before and now he's actively attacking.

Sigrid: If there was no risk before, why the black arrow?

Tauriel: As a precaution.

Sigrid: That thing's been hidden away since the fall of Dale - I assume for a reason - and he's going to go and show it off now and potentially provoke the Master as a precaution?

Tauriel: OK, fine, it's because me hurrying you along is part of a dramatic opening action sequence and saying there's no time lets the audience know that the tension is high. Happy?

Sigrid: No.

Fili: *referring to Kili* Get him up. *to Kili* Come on, brother. Come on, come on, let’s go.

Kili: I’m fine, I can walk.

Fili: No you can't; you've had an arrowhead in your leg for days, during which you've actually been really active, so Mahal only knows what damage has been done to your leg muscles.

Kili: Yes, but Tauriel healed me.

Oin: Athelas heals Morgul poison, but not severed muscle tissue. Of course you can't walk.

Fili: Exactly. Bofur, you support him on the other side.

Kili: I can so too walk! Tauriel healed me with true love!

Fili: ... Cool. Well, let me know when true love has healed that fever you clearly have.

Tauriel: *to the children* As fast as you can.

Sigrid: Gee, if only we'd already packed.

Tauriel: Oh, for - Just let it go!

Bain: We’re not leaving, not without our father.

Sigrid: Is that why we haven't made any preparations to leave? Because we needed to wait for Da to come back?

Bain: Let's go with that.

Sigrid: Why?

Bain: Beats me. Why do we do anything?

Sigrid: I don't know, self-preservation?

Tauriel: Your brother's being noble by refusing to leave without your father, so just let it go.

Sigrid: Not making any preparations for an evacuation we know is coming isn't noble, it's stupid, and Bain's line suggests that he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. I'm not even saying that we should already have left, just that we should already have put together some bundles of necessities and things we couldn't bear to lose so that when Da came back or it became clear that he wasn't going to - say, when Bain came back with the news that he'd been arrested -

Bain: I'm not actually sure I told you that, thinking about it.

Sigrid: Why wouldn't you have told me?

Bain: I don't know, but why would you have assumed an approaching footstep was him when it was actually orcs if you knew he'd been arrested? Especially since I assume you know the Master's gunning for him so he probably wouldn't be released in a hurry?

Fili: That's a good point. I assume I'd also have been a bit more wary if I knew that the guy who was helping and sheltering me and my companions had been arrested by someone who showed every sign of being as slippery as the Master.

Bain: To be fair, it's not obvious that you weren't; I don't think we know anything about your behaviour between Da leaving and the orcs attacking.

Sigrid: You're not helping your case here, Bain, unless your defence is that you told Fili and not me.

Tauriel: See, this is why you're not a main character: you don't get that withholding information for no reason is the heroic way. Why do you think I didn't explain to any of you what I was doing to Kili?

Bofur: Yes, I noticed that.

Sigrid: OK, we can have that conversation later, but this whole mess kind of makes my point: why does the movie keep acting as though especially my siblings and I drop out of existence whenever we're off-screen and are incapable of taking sensible action for ourselves despite the fact that every piece of information establishing our lifestyle and circumstances indicates that we should be very capable of that?

Tauriel: Because you're not main characters, so your job is to look terrified and do as you're told; get used to it. *to Bain* If you stay here, your sisters will die.

Sigrid: So will he.

Tauriel: Yes, but as the man of the house in his father's absence, it's his responsibility to take care of the two of you.

Sigrid: What?

Tauriel: Anyway, is that what your father would want?

Bain: That is super manipulative, you know that?

Tauriel: How do you think I got Legolas to come with me?

Bain: I was told that it was because you were morally right.

Tauriel: Well, yes, but the only way I could persuade him of that was obviously blatant manipulation.

Bain: I'm starting to think you're not a very nice person.

Tauriel: I don't care. Are you coming and bringing your sisters, or not?

Sigrid: Why are you assuming Bain's the one making the decisions when I'm the eldest?

Tauriel: Because he's a boy and you're a girl.

Sigrid: But you're a woman who's apparently got some authority; why would you assume I couldn't be capable of the same thing as you?

Tauriel: Because you're not special.

Sigrid: Aren't you supposed to be feminist and empowering, especially for teenage girls like me?

Tauriel: Yes, and I am: you can tell because I killed some orcs.

Sigrid: But shouldn't that include treating other women - again, especially teenage girls like me - as if they're capable of strength and independence?

Tauriel: Have you killed any orcs?

Sigrid: Well... no. I'm unarmed and untrained and it's not exactly something that's come up before.

Tauriel: Then you haven't proven you're worthy of being treated as the equal of a man.

Sigrid: Why should I have to prove -

Tauriel: Hush, dear. Real people are talking.

Sigrid: I will not hush until you give me a real answer! Why are we acting like Bain's the head of the family in our father's absence when I'm the eldest child?

Tauriel: Look, maybe it's just that he was the one who protested while you were silent, so I responded to him. Does that make you feel any better?

Sigrid: Not really, because that's not really what I was asking: the movie made the choice to have Bain be the one who protested while I was silent. The movie made the choice to have you respond by suggesting he's responsible for me and Tilda. Why did it do that? Is it really just because I'm a girl and he's a boy and it couldn't stand to show a male character subservient - or even equal; nothing was stopping you saying "You will all die" rather than "Your sisters will die" - to a female one?

Tauriel: He's subservient to me.

Sigrid: Yes, but he's a child, so that makes sense. My problem is with the fact that between two children the younger is apparently superior despite the fact that I actually really might not be that far off adulthood depending on what the age of majority is in Laketown. Why?

Tauriel: Well, everyone knows that everyone in Middle-earth is sexist, so - being a boy - he would obviously default to being in charge.

Sigrid: You don't know that.

Tauriel: Yes I do, because if it weren't the case I wouldn't be special, and I am special, QED.

Bain: Sis, I think you might need to let this one go otherwise we'll be here until kingdom come.

Sigrid: One more question. What are our names?

Tauriel: What?

Sigrid: It's a simple question: You've been hanging around this house for a while, you claim to care so much about our lives and what our father would want, so surely you've at some point asked our names and listened when you were told.

Tauriel: Does it matter right now?

Sigrid: I just want it on record. I mean, it would take about three seconds to say all three of our names if you've bothered to learn them.

Tauriel: ... Bard's children.

Sigrid: Yeah, that's what I thought.

#Fall of Laketown Remix #What the hell are these characters doing? #Caught in a Bad Romance #Informed ATTRIBUTES! #Movie? PAY ATTENTION #Idiots #Feminism (as conceived by a twelve-year-old boy) #I'm pretty sure references can replace emotional investment

[lawyernovelistpersonal]

Fall of Laketown Remix 7/7

Ori: What was that? What happened?

Bilbo: It fell, I saw it. It’s dead. Smaug is dead.

Gloin: By my beard, I think he’s right! Look there! The Ravens of Erebor are returning to the Mountain.

Bilbo: Question.

Gloin: What?

Bilbo: We're in the middle of a rocky wasteland. I mean, look at this place; there's been no sign of life except us and Smaug since we arrived. Where have those ravens been living, and what have they been eating?

Gloin: Well, obviously they haven't been living here otherwise I wouldn't have said they were returning.

Bilbo: OK, but Smaug fell, what, five seconds ago? The ravens must have been nearby. In fact, to have had time to see Smaug fall, understand what that meant, and fly up here to where you saw them, they must have actually already been on the mountain.

Gloin: ... You're being a little nitpicky, I'm not gonna lie.

Bilbo: Just saying.

Balin: Aye, word will spread. Before long, every soul in Middle Earth will know the Dragon is dead!

*the dwarves rejoice*

Bilbo: Wait, hang on, time out, what's all this celebration in aid of?

Balin: Well, the dragon is dead, so that means the Lonely Mountain is ours again.

Bilbo: Leaving aside the fact that this doesn't exactly feel like we're all ready for our happy ending, what with the fact that we're sitting on a burned-out mountain full of corpses with nothing to eat, aren't you forgetting someone? Four someones, in fact?

Dwalin: What do you mean?

Bilbo: Has anyone else remembered that we left Fili, Kili, Oin, and Bofur back in Laketown? Gloin, you seem really happy given that we just watched a dragon set fire to and fall on the last place we saw your brother. Same for you, Bifur and Bombur.

Bombur: I don't have a personality other than "fat", so I don't really know what you want from me here.

Bilbo: Weren't we friends in the book, bonding over how much it sucks to be stuck in a cold, ruined mountain with nothing to eat but a dwindling supply of cram?

Bombur: Yeah, I know, it sucks, but it's true: when's the last time you actually heard me speak?

Bilbo: ... That's a great point. What about Bifur? Where is Bifur?

Balin: You know, I'm not sure I've seen him since we set off.

Bilbo: And I didn't get the impression he was... entirely mentally well, what with that axe still lodged in his head and all. Or that he spoke Westron. OK, what about you, Gloin?

Gloin: Well, if you look at how we've all interacted - or not - there's barely evidence we even know one another.

Bilbo: But we've all been travelling together for months.

Gloin: And you'd think that would give plenty of time to show us interacting and bonding and give us some character, but apparently not. Even the fact that Oin and I are related hasn't actually been established in the movie, and given the fact that there seems to be a very large age gap between us it actually almost doesn't make sense that we're brothers.

Bilbo: OK, but that excuse definitely doesn't apply to Thorin, Fili, and Kili. Where's Thorin?

*Thorin heads off to enter the Lonely Mountain again*

Bilbo: Thorin! Aren't you going to react to the fact that Fili and Kili might be dead?

Thorin: Uh... no.

Bilbo: Do we get to know why?

Thorin: Well, I'm possessed by the Arkenstone or suffering from gold-sickness or something. Or both. The movie doesn't really seem clear on how either of those works.

Bilbo: But why does that not make you care about Fili and Kili? Especially Kili, who you've been so fond of that on a few occasions you've screamed his name when Fili was the one in danger.

Thorin: I refer you back to "the movie doesn't really seem clear on how either of those works". Now leave me alone, I need to go stare at the gold pile some more. Because that's what I do now.

Balin: Let him go, Bilbo, proximity to the gold has made him a psychopath.

Bilbo: If I ask why, will you actually have an answer?

Balin: Well, his grandfather was obsessed with gold, so now Thorin is as well.

Bilbo: There's a lot to unpack there, but let's start with the weird blood-will-out thing. Why is Thorin's grandfather relevant to Thorin's personality doing a... well, not a one-eighty, but at least a ninety?

Balin: Because your ancestor's failures dictate your destiny. Or something.

Bilbo: So did Thror also not care if his family members lived or died when he was within a one-mile radius of gold?

Balin: Let's go with that.

Bilbo: And are we saying that because Thror had a gold obsession Thorin was just born with one, and yet somehow it didn't trigger until right now?

Balin: Sure.

Dwalin: Maybe it's not so much the gold as that he's been driven so hard to reclaim our homeland that now he's got it it's all he can think about.

Balin: Sorry, Brother, but that wouldn't explain his indifference to Bilbo's life earlier, when he was possibly being eaten by the dragon.

Bilbo: What?

Dwalin: Oh, yeah.

Bilbo: How are none of you seriously concerned about all this?

Balin: I looked concerned and said concerned things earlier.

Dwalin: I will later.

Bilbo: OK, let me lay this out. Either this behaviour from Thorin is out of character and seriously worrying, in which case now is the time to be worried and take action, or it's not and what concern he has shown for any of us has been an act and you all knew it, in which case you're all assholes for not telling me earlier.

Gloin: It's a third option: The movie has forgotten we're here and might have our own feelings and reactions about what's happening.

Bilbo: ... That sucks.

Balin: Yep.

#Fall of Laketown Remix #What the hell are these characters doing? #Informed ATTRIBUTES! #I'm pretty sure grey morality means inconsistency #I have questions #Protagonist-centred morality